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Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities - Thread 5

984 replies

Conorgog · 07/08/2019 10:28

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

@Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
@Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
@Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
@Cantdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
@Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
@NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
@Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
@Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
@GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
@LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
@Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
@Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
@Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
@Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
@VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
@LisbethSalander - baby boy 7/11
@Stormbird – George 24/07/11
@Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
@Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
@Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
@Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
@NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
@Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
@Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
@Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
@Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
@MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
@Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12
@Katerina100 – baby girl 19/04/2012
@flower11 – Hannah 18/10/2012
@Bluecat83 – Noah est 24/10/2012
@katiecubs – Seth 05/02/2013
@Havingkittens – Alfred 14/04/2013
@ghislane – Frederick 22/10/2013
@lostlove – baby boy est 10/04/14
@AliBingo – baby boy est 06/05/14
@LuckyAugust –baby boy 26/01/2015

OP posts:
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9
Mangoandbroccoli · 18/02/2020 19:03

@Ruthsoph I phoned the screening department directly and they looked through my previous notes and could see I'd been offered an early scan in any future pregnancies and so booked that in for when I'm 6.5 weeks. Directly after that, they'll book me in for a SAFE test for when I'm 10 weeks. Hopefully your midwife will reply tomorrow with similar.

Ruthsoph · 18/02/2020 22:08

@Mangoandbroccoli the midwife still hasn’t come back to me so I emailed to foetal medical department today who I dealt with in Nov asking them what tests etc I can have so hopefully will hear something back tomorrow xx

ShootingStar2020 · 19/02/2020 16:11

@Mangoandbroccoli - how are you feeling? Am surviving! In Paris for work. Home tonight. Saw a lady on Monday at our nursery who is heavily pregnant (where I would have been now) who I had seen in the Foetal medicine centre the day I had to have my CVS after Harmony test result. She kept looking at my stomach to see where my bump had gone I assume. I went outside and wept!! It does get easier but that was tough.

Hope everyone is ok xxxx

Mangoandbroccoli · 19/02/2020 16:39

@ShootingStar2020 Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, that must have been extremely difficult to deal with 😞. Been thinking of you and really hope things improve for you this month. I know the limbo period is so tough. I'm ok thank you. I'm also travelling with work this week and the 14 hour days we're doing are a bit of a killer at the moment! Grateful for the distraction though as it stops me sitting around worrying about things :)

Ruthsoph · 19/02/2020 17:09

@ShootingStar2020 i can totallt relate to how you feel - i would be of been due this april and a woman at workj is also due April so all I hear is what she has brought the baby/how she keeps kicking/ i literally want to punch her ( its not her fault i know - she is obv excited) but still makes me feel like crap xx

HungryPanda92 · 20/02/2020 08:13

Hi all. Some of you may remember me from last year. Back in July I was told my baby had an NT of 12.5mm and the outlook was not good. By August I was booked in for my tfmr and had to say goodbye to my little girl Flowers
I thought I'd never get over it but we're usually stronger than we think and here I am now 8 weeks pregnant Shock
I've been lurking on this thread for a while now but I can see how supportive you all are and thought I'd better join in!

Treaclepie19 · 20/02/2020 09:06

Hi @HungryPanda92, I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your little girl. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm 8 weeks on sunday Smile

ShootingStar2020 · 20/02/2020 13:49

@HungryPanda92 - hello you. That’s great news and well done for taking such a big step forward. Hope you are feeling ok

@Mangoandbroccoli - 14 hour days. What a killer! Definitely good to distract you though. I got back late last night and we are driving to Dorset today for a few days by the sea. Can’t wait!!

@Ruthsoph - it’s so hard hey? The milestone weeks crawl past. Our time will come again ❤️

HungryPanda92 · 20/02/2020 15:39

Thank you @ShootingStar2020 and congrats @treaclepie19.

Just had my booking appointment with the midwife and sat in my car trying to hold it all together.
I dunno if this is a bit deep but I feel like I'm grieving not just for my lost baby girl but for a past version of myself. I remember being so excited and naive at this point. Ignorance is bliss I guess. Now I'm hyper aware that being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean having a baby and I'm trying to enjoy the journey but my god its hard. I think I've got this far by not thinking about it and now all I can do is think about it.
Sorry for the rant but I feel like no one in my life really understands how bittersweet this all is. Think I need some chocolate Cake

BooMamaBear · 20/02/2020 15:45

White magnums are the only things that make me feel less sick think it's the sugar and the ice cream!! I'm missing red wine but still I'd rather be pregnant than drinking alcohol I have to keep reminding myself!! Xx

Mangoandbroccoli · 20/02/2020 16:53

Welcome @HungryPanda92 but so sorry for your loss and all the associated challenges. I can completely empathise with what you're feeling. I'm 6 weeks and do feel excited but certainly feel like this is a chance of a baby and very much a journey, whereas I felt blissfully naive in my previous 2 pregnancies - the awful news during my 2nd was such an enormous shock. Only my husband and I know about this pregnancy and I can't quite imagine people saying 'congratulations!' etc when we eventually (hopefully) share our news as we now truly understand the fragility and uncertainty of it all. But I think all we can do is take one day at a time: today I am pregnant and for that I am grateful. We know nothing will ever soften the blow if it comes to it so it makes the most sense to try and enjoy and embrace it as best as we can. I hope that helps and that your midwife was empathetic too.

Kate544 · 20/02/2020 17:36

@HungryPanda92 @Mangoandbroccoli this is exactly how I feel now too (not that I’m pregnant again yet) it’s more the loss of innocence. I never worried about a scan or a test or a heart beat before, I just took it all for granted. I worry that I would never be able to relax or enjoy another pregnancy (not that I’ve ever enjoyed as I suffer from HG) but yeah I know exactly what you mean. Xx

BooMamaBear · 20/02/2020 20:14

After losing two little boys following the birth of my daughter I realise how naive I was the first time around. I think having to have TFMR ms twice after a really good pregnancy with my DD has made me totally terrified this time! Xx

HungryPanda92 · 20/02/2020 21:14

Thank you so much for your messages everyone. I'm sorry we all find ourselves in this position but it's good to know I'm not alone. My midwife was absolutely lovely which helped so much. I guess we just need to take the good emotions with the bad and be grateful for what we have. We're obviously stronger than we think!

Kate544 · 20/02/2020 21:33

So sorry you’ve gone through this twice @BooMamaBear - that’s my fear but in some ways I think nothing could be as bad as the shock and initial trauma as the first time, but I suppose it could be just as hard just in different ways. Do you mind me asking (as I’m relatively new here) is there a reason it might have happened twice or just horrible luck for you? Please don’t answer if you private, I don’t mean to be intrusive. It’s just I’m finding it so difficult to trust the odds. The odds were vastly in my favour before and yet this still happened so I feel I have no faith in the probability anymore. X

Kate544 · 20/02/2020 21:33

If ‘it’s’ private not you, sorry x

BooMamaBear · 21/02/2020 13:06

No it's ok my odds are 50/50 every time due to a genetic condition it all depends on which chromosome 19 the egg that I release has - if it's my dads it's affected and I have to have TFMR due to the devastating impact this would have on the life (if it survives) of the baby -if it's my mums the baby will be totally fine like my DD! I just hope this is 3rd time lucky!
You're right though the second was emotionally a bit easier than the first, I had had excessive bleeding, surgery and stays in hospital after both medical TFMRs too so physically the second time was harder as.they were seriously concerned they wouldn't be able to stop the bleeding but I'm recovered now! Fingers crossed for us all this time xx

Kate544 · 21/02/2020 15:32

@BooMamaBear that’s such an agonising probability to be faced with, keeping everything crossed for you xx

BooMamaBear · 22/02/2020 10:38

Thanks hun - my DD was first time lucky and i now realise just what a little miracle she is! I have PCOS too and I'd not had a period for 6 months then had 1 out of the blue then got pregnant! Also we were using protection most of the time coz we were waiting for an appointment to start PGD which is like IVF but they test the embryo -now we have a 'normal' child we are no longer entitled to any NHS funding and with a 1 in 3 success rate at £20k per cycle doing this is no guarantee and it would severely limit what we could do with our daughter like go to Disney and stuff!! So our only option is to try naturally and hope!! Xx

Treaclepie19 · 22/02/2020 21:57

Ugh I'm having a panic tonight. I've had nausea for about 2 weeks and today its eased off a bit. I'm only 7+6.
A weeks and a half until my next scan 🤞

gratisdictum · 24/02/2020 09:08

Hi all, newbie here.
I've been a lurker for a while and thought I'd join in. It's a relief to find a space where other people just 'get it'.
I'm 32 years old and had a TFMR the week before Christmas last year. Our much wanted first child (a boy) was 13 weeks old, and had Klinefelter's Syndrome (XXY). We wanted the gender to be a surprise at birth but had to be told so the sex chromosome abnormality could be explained properly. After receiving genetic counseling, and learning about the knowns and unknowns of the condition with probable manifestations, we thought that the kindest option was to terminate. We don't regret the decision for a second. We're grateful for the amazing early genetic testing that's now available to enable people like us to make informed choices, before very serious life-changing problems manifest in childhood and beyond.
BUT the 10 days from positive NIPT screening for Klinefelter's to CVS confirmation to termination was such a shattering experience. I worked from home for a few days in the lead up to the termination because I still had awful morning sickness and I no longer fit into most of my work clothes and couldn't put a brave face on, especially during the Christmas party week.
The hospital staff were lovely but it was awful (a) being on labour ward, even though we were in a discreet private room and (b) not knowing if I would be removed from the surgery list on the day of the procedure at the eleventh hour if an obstetric emergency came in.
After Christmas my husband and I went for a long planned overseas holiday for 2.5 weeks (well timed as it turned out) and used contraception for January. It was to give him some headspace, which was totally understandable. Now we are back to TTC. In the the past fortnight I have met my best friend's 3 week old baby boy (and cried when she very gently asked how I was) and two work colleagues have announced their pregnancies.
I'm trying to be patient, remind myself that we were able to conceive without much difficulty, and physically I'm back to normal. However, I still feel an incredible sense of loss and unfairness. I hate being back on the TTC ride, with the uncertainties of first trimester ahead. With my work colleagues in particular, I feel jealous and don't want to talk to them about anything pregnancy or baby-related.My ob also said detachment during a future pregnancy is also very normal as a protective mechanism.
Thanks for reading my rambling if you've reached the end and big hugs to you all. Hopefully you all get your rainbow babies too x

fretnot · 24/02/2020 10:05

Just catching up on end thread. Hello @gratisdictum, I was so sorry to read of your recent TFMR. It’s still such early days for you so please take the time you need. I remember my husband wanted to “move on” emotionally, and after a while treated grief as something kind of indulgent, but I have found it very important to give space to my feelings. I hope you can take comfort from this thread. The feeling of solidarity with other women is pretty powerful and we all have trod this path with you.

@ShootingStar2020 your account of seeing the other pregnant woman at nursery really touched me as those were some of the most painful moments for me after my TFMR. So so hard, I hope you can avoid seeing her for a while.

I have my 20 week scan tomorrow and am feeling absolutely terrified. Although I have tried on “positive thinking” for size (and started knitting!) it didn’t really work either. I really haven’t found a way to deal with the anxiety, I’m just getting through day-by-day. It really is a case of loss of innocence, and taking nothing for granted.

Best wishes to everyone.

1stbabs · 24/02/2020 15:36

Hi @gratisdictum so sorry for your loss. I also lost my baby just before Christmas and have the long road of ttc ahead. Feeling pretty much the same as you. It's very hard to be positive when our experiences were so recent, but trying to stay strong. I'm also struggling to be around pregnant colleagues, but my counsellor says feelings of sadness or jealousy are completely normal. Don't be too hard on yourself!

It's lovely to read through this thread and see all the ladies who are having their rainbows 🌈. Gives us all the hope we need x

1stbabs · 24/02/2020 15:40

Oh and thank you for all the welcome words ladies. So nice to find such a supportive group x

ShootingStar2020 · 24/02/2020 21:34

Thanks ladies for all the positive thoughts. CD 8 here. 😍

@fretnot - everything crossed for tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you.

@gratisdictum and @1stbabs - hello and so sorry to read your stories. Hope definitely has to outweigh fear and lots of the ladies here can show that. ❤️

@Treaclepie19 - how are you feeling today?

@Mangoandbroccoli - has work calmed this week? Hope so.