Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

[NatzCNL]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins ? Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila ? baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain ? Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 ? baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess ? Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB ? Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate ? Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel ? Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird ? George 24/07/11
Sarahmia ? baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers ? Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj ? Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily ? Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug ? Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

Thinking of you and hoping you get good news tomorrow Pickles.

I have now booked my CVS for next Wednesday, when I will be 11+1, we have gone private as it seemed easier. I feel like the next 9 days are really going to drag, plus the long wait for results. I am just so paranoid we will be unlucky again, and it's killing me not knowing. I guess I just have to wait it out, not too long now, and nothing else I can do but wait really.

Pickles thinking of you and hoping that you got good results on Friday.

Ghislaine, great to hear from you - this thread has been quite quiet lately, that's a good thing I hope as it means everyone has their hands full with healthy pregnancies or new babies. Hope all is going well with you and you are not feeling too massive and tired at this stage - maybe you are exhausted from the nesting instinct kicking in! (Although I never had that with DD1 although I kept hoping, lol).

Hi guys,

Pickles, hope you got good news from the CVS results, fingers crossed for you.

Not checked in for a while but good to hear things mostly going well. Due date is tomorrow but despite lots of cramps and false starts nothing seems to be happening yet. Am dying for a 'natural' birth in the local midwife-led centre as I feel like the last year has been so medicalised and out of my control, but trying to be realistic and prepare myself to take what comes as long as we get our baby at the end.

Ghislaine, thanks for thinking of me, 34 weeks is the home straight, hope all going well

Fluffy and Ali, I had a scan at 16 weeks, after which my husband and I made a concerted effort to commit to the idea the baby was happening, but it took probably another 10 weeks or so after that to really seem real! Good luck tomorrow Ali with the CVS.

Hope everyone else is doing well and good luck to anyone ttc their rainbow too.

Piz

Hi everyone

I posted some in this thread in the winter 2011, when I had a termination because of abnormalities. Since then we have had a healthy daughter.
I still worry a lot some days though. For example, today I noticed a thin but visible vein on my daughters forehead (I have seen it before but not really thought about it). I googled and ended up obsessing over a condition called progeria (which is very very rare). I can't see any other signs (like for example low birth weight, she was/is large) and in my heart of hearts I know I'm just worrying. But still I felt panicky/heart beating very fast etc). It is like I can't dare believe that we have had a healthy child after the abnormality/termination. I did a CVS with her and it came back fine, but it seems there is always something new to worry about.
My question for you all is, how did you cope with the worrying even (months or years) after having a (hopefully healthy) child?

/Linn

Hey guys,

Thanks for good wishes, unfortunately we had bad news on Friday and the termination took place yesterday.

After the weeks of waiting, despite the physical pain - yesterday I felt really positive, almost euphoric about the future.... Today, that euphoria has been replaced with sadness for what could have been and fear of it happening again - the odds are 75% for healthy baby/25% for a boy with muscular dystrophy so hopefully luck will be on our side next time. I want to try again as soon as possible, but keep it btw myself and partner and just pretend it's not happening to we know if everything will be ok or not.

Xxx

Pickles, just read your update, so sorry. Thinking of you.

Oh, Pickles, I am so sorry to hear your news. Like Ali, I will keep you in my thoughts.

It is a very difficult experience that you have had to go through and, as you say, the emotions can be intense and unpredictable. Take good care of yourself and your partner.

Linn, although I don't think I've been quite as troubled by it as you seem to be, I can relate to the worrying. I found pregnancy quite hard.

I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to talk to your GP about how you've been feeling, especially as you say you've been feeling preoccupied with worries and have been having physical symptoms. You might be able to get referred for counselling or even cognitive behavioural therapy to help you manage the anxiety you already have, and to prevent it getting any worse.

I think it's totally normal for parents to be concerned with their children's health, but once you have been through an intense emotional experience relating to it, especially one resulting in the loss of a pregnancy, it becomes easier for fear to shape your thinking.

Does your partner feel like you do, or are they able to relax more? Have you shared your feelings with them?

For me, I find it helps to remember a few things:

Serious health issues are not common and are usually obvious.

Worrying won't, in and of itself, affect whether or not a child is or stays healthy. I think on some level one gets to feel like one can worry them safe, if that makes any sense?

Children will probably suffer more from over-anxious parenting than excessive worrying will help them.

If anything bad happens, cross that bridge when it comes.

Congratulations on your daughter, btw

I came by to post the other day as I'm one of those who has been quiet, although I have been reading to see how you've all been doing. I wanted to reply to Pickles and Linn first and come back later for the rest.

Pizdets, ghislaine and StormBird, hope you're all well and look forward to reading your updates!

fluffyraggies, I hope everything has been plain sailing since the scary bleed and that you're feeling able to enjoy the pregnancy, at least a little. You're right about the experience of non-textbook pregnancies - you can't ever un-know that experience and it does cloud things. Sending best wishes to your DH too - I just reread your post from 23rd June and felt so sad at your description of your previous 12-week scan.

Ali, I was so pleased to read that you're pregnant again. I'm crossing everything that all will be well this time, and will be sending positive thoughts on Wednesday for the CVS.

Ok, that's long - I've tired myself out now

Pickles, I'm so sorry to hear your news, it is devastating even when you have not much hope to begin with. Please do come back and talk things through hear if you need to. I hope you have lots of RL support too, it makes such a difference to the isolation of this experience. I know what you mean about letting the outside world in in subsequent pregnancies - I generally haven't told anyone except my most trusted friends until after the anomaly scan.

Linn, I have felt similarly a little bit, mostly wondering whether my son might have ADHD or autism in the early days. I think part of this stems from the feeling that you aren't 'allowed' to have a healthy baby with no issues - there has to be something wrong. Also in this pregnancy I've felt very fatalistic about the outcome. I still have some dark moments where I wonder if my luck has run out and I should have stopped when I was ahead, as it were.

Any baby news from Pizdets?

Pickles I am so sorry that you had such terrible news. I hope you have plenty of RL support and are being kind to yourself. I remember feeling a similar feeling of positivity and hope, maybe because all the worrying and stress and uncertainty and anticipation was gone and I was just getting the horrible termination out of the way, but soon that feeling went away to be replaced by unbearable sadness and grief. I was the same, I wanted to try again as soon as possible, and basically got rather obsessed and completely focussed on getting pregnant again, which seemed to distract me from the sadness. I was very lucky to get pregnant again 5 months after the termination (although the five months felt like forever at the time) and I did feel better, but also very fearful about it happening again (and I still don't know if it has or not). I haven't told anyone IRL about the pregnancy (apart from DH). I do feel a bit unhinged and fragile about it all tbh. Hopefully that's normal. I do wish you a speedy recovery and I hope that you get pregnant again very soon and get lucky next time and have a healthy baby.

Pizdets, great to hear from you last week. I am thinking hopefully baby Piz has made an appearance by now, looking forward to hearing news! Hope you get/got the natural birth you wanted but baby will be worth it however he or she arrives - I had a traumatic birth with DD1 with lots of intervention, was really ill and upset at the time but have forgotten it all now.

Linn, sorry to hear you are struggling a bit with anxiety. I am not sure what to suggest, all you can do is tell yourself over and over that it's ok and your daughter is healthy, and hopefully you will start to believe it and relax eventually. So much easier said than done though I am sure. I haven't really experienced this; all my anxieties are focused on the antenatal stage, and the birth itself. I do sympathise though as I do have lots of irrational fears and worries about this, and no matter how much you tell yourself not to worry, and try and be rational, the anxiety can still spiral. It may be worth seeing your GP about this, as Lostlove suggested.

Lostlove, thanks for sending me positive thoughts re my CVS. As well as obsessing generally over it, I am now getting stressed about whether it will hurt - last time I find it really difficult and uncomfortable, but that may partly be because the bad outcome was almost certain, I was on my own and terrified, and maybe the emotional agony was spilling over into the physical. Anyway I am determined to be brave, or try at least (what a wimp! I do hate needles, doctors etc)

Ghislaine, how are you doing? Hope all is going well with you and the bump, not too long to go now...

Thinking of you, Ali.

Will check back later.

Ali - I think you're allowed to feel a bit unhinged! I certainly would :-) it's hard keeping all that hope, excitement contained until you know everything's ok and I'm sure it will be. I'm getting there slowly, still feel heartbroken but everyday is better. And I'm getting married in two weeks to my wonderful wonderful boy who has just been amazing over the last few weeks.

Well that's out of the way, phew! It wasn't that bad but I am a terrible wimp with needles, and had trouble keeping still. Strangely it's much less painful today than it was last time, the day after the amnio, when I had cramps and also a bruised abdomen.

The consultant said that the results will not be here until Monday though, argh!! I don't know how I can cope with such a long wait. Am in the middle of being made redundant at work after 12 years, so have managed to distract myself with starting to deal with that this afternoon

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Good to hear from you Pickles. And congrats in your upcoming nuptials, do you have a lovely honeymoon to look forward to?

Glad to hear the CVS was less bad that you feared, Ali.

Did they say what time the results would be available tomorrow? Iirc, you've such a good chance of all being well, but keeping everything crossed for you nevertheless.

Pickles, how lovely! I hope you have a wonderful day, and honeymoon if you're having one.

Lostlove - Thank you for your reply. Yes I think that I will have to talk to my GP if my anxiety continues. My husband is not as worried. I have tried talking to him about my worries while and then, but he is more like "what are you talking about, we have a healthy daughter!". I have been thinking about what you wrote, that "Serious health issues are not common and are usually obvious" every time I feel worried and it does seem to help a bit.

Ghislaine - Thank you, yes that is it exactly. That I'm not 'allowed' to have a healthy baby. Do you feel more and more fatalistic as your pregnancy progresses?

Alibingo - Thank you, I hope that I will be able to relax more as time passes. Have you heard anything about your test results? Fingers crossed.

Pickles - I am so sorry, hope that you are feeling better soon. Good luck with your nuptials.

Good news for me, my CVS was clear, phew!

They told me results would be in anytime from 10am so I rang at 11am and have been sat nervously by the phone all day, caved in at 6pm and rang again and they had just come through - talk about a long wait, my nails are bitten to the quick.

Can't stop crying, am so relieved and happy and thankful.

Thanks so much everyone for your wonderful support on here.

Thanks for thinking of me lostlove

Good to hear from you again Linn

That's fantastic news, Ali, I couldn't be more pleased for you

hi, i haven't posted here for ages but look in now and then to see how everyone's doing. Linn, you struck a real chord with me. I had a termination (girl for hrhs) in august 2007 at 26 weeks. I then had a healthy boy in sept 08. I spent around a year feeling really anxious about health issues. I think I started to feel better when he started to talk and then I could ask how he was?? I can't really pinpoint it.

Your little girl must be around a year I guess. I think that, even without a termination, the first year is quite a stressful year as they seem so vulnerable. I personally think my anxiety was mainly caused by having had the worst diagnosed I realised I wasn't immune to things going wrong. I was waiting for that sinking feeling again. Bizarrely I then had a second termination in 2010 but the birth of another healthy son a year later was not accompanied by the same anxiety.

I have heard that some pnd can be about expectations. I think I thought ds1 would be the answer to having lost my girl. When I had him and he wasn't her, I loved him, but I still grieved, it didn't undo what had been done. When I had ds2 I expected anxiety and I knew a panic attack and could waylay it by that time. obviously this is probably way too simplistic and there are many other factors. My GP took me very seriously and booked me in for fortnightly meetings so I could collect up all my fears and dump them on her. She was very lovely and very understanding.
sorry for the essay it's just linn really reminded me of how I felt back then, it's nice to be out of all that now and I hope this time will pass for you too.

Ghislaine. I hope all is well with youx

Manitz - I think that I will feel more comfortable when she starts to talk a bit. Yes my anxiety is probably also caused to some extent by understanding that I am not immune to things going wrong.

We have an older son as well and I have saved a lot of clothes from when he was a baby. A few days ago I had happened to dress her completely in my older sons old clothes and she looked a bit like a boy. That made me feel uncomfortable because the terminated pregnancy was supposed to have been a boy so I changed her top to a pink one. I remembered thinking when I was pregnant in 2011 before knowing that anything was wrong, that "how good that I have saved all the clothes if it's a boy again". I hope that these feelings will pass for me too.

AliBingo - Congratulations!!

I still occasionally think i should have 3 girls and woudl have stopped there probably. because of what happened i now have 2 of each. However i don't really have any anxiety at all now so it's weird because it was all consuming at the time. I hope that helps a bit. x

Manitz - That is hopeful to hear, I hope that my anxiety will disappear completely one day.

Hi Guys,

Sorry to have dropped off the radar, we've been a bit busy with our new arrival! Alistair turned up on 28th September, weighting a very healthy 9lbs 4oz! We're utterly smitten and I'm finding I'm managing to relax and enjoy him more than I expected - although I do find small knocks have sent me a bit panicky about losing him or letting him down.

pickles I'm so sorry to hear about your CVS results, will be thinking of you and hope you are taking care of yourself.

Ali, I did indeed get the all-natural birth I wanted - and it bloody hurt! Waters went at about 4.30pm and contractions started half an hour later and were very intense from the off. You hear about people going out for lunch or doing the shopping in early labour but all I could do was roll on the floor and swear at my poor husband! Pushing was tough as he was so big, but I'm getting the benefits of it all now with a quick and straightforward recovery, which I'm grateful for. Good to hear your CVS results were good, we didn't have a CVS with Alistair and I think the reassurance of having had the diagnostic test must help you deal with any wobbles later on.

Ghislaine I hope all OK with you, how much longer do you have left? Keeping fingers crossed for you and will check back for news soon.

Linn sorry to hear you're finding it hard. I'm finding myself calmer than I expected so far but any kind of problem has tipped me into a bit of a panic - I think experiencing a loss bursts your bubble of 'it won't happen to me' and makes worries harder to deal with. I think Manitz is right, it might be worth talking to your GP about it, I never tried CBT but having read about it I think it may well have really helped me deal with some of the worries I've had over the last year or so - maybe talking to someone about it would help?

I hope everyone else is doing well!

Piz

Yay many congratulations Piz, lovely news. So happy to hear little (well, quite big-ouch!) Alastair has arrived safely. Well done on the natural birth too, I wimped out and had an epidural with dd and still wasn't very brave.

I hope Alastair is letting you get at least a little sleep. I bet he looks and smells gorgeous (love the newborn smell!)

Congrats again xx