Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

[NatzCNL]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins ? Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila ? baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain ? Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 ? baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess ? Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB ? Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate ? Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel ? Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird ? George 24/07/11
Sarahmia ? baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers ? Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj ? Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily ? Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug ? Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

Lovely news about not so little Alastair, thanks for coming back and letting us know. I hope you are all enjoying snuggling up and getting to know each other. Well done everyone!!

Pizdets, huge congratulations to you and your husband on the birth of Alistair

Glad you got the birth you wanted and I'm sure the swearing won't be held against you

hey, not on here much these days but been popping back to see how pizdets was doing and I just wanted to say s huge congratulations on the safe arrival of Alistair!! glad you got the natural birth you wanted too xxxxx

Sorry, posted too soon...

I was going to say, if you can't have a good old swear in labour, when can you?!

Pickles, are you a married woman now?

I'm indeed a married lady now...

Quick question for everyone, how long did it take for your period to return? I'm five weeks and counting

Congrats!

Mine was almost exactly 6 weeks.

Congratulations, Pickles - I hope the day was everything you wished for

I got my period 32 days after. It was longer and heavier than usual (I'd read this can be the case) but my cycle went back to normal after that.

Hi ladies,
Thought I'd drop in and say hi, I could use a little support now, and as we try again. I hope this is the right place to post this.
I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and after much soul searching, DH and I have decided to terminate after positive CVS for Turners syndrome. Initially I was dead against it, I really felt like if the baby had a chance then we had to give it that, whilst DH was very much wanting to terminate, partly because of the high chance of MC/stillbirth and partly because he didn't feel like he would be able to cope with a baby that had a serious condition. I thought he was being a cowardly jerk at first tbh, and as he usually defers to me on most things, I've just been waiting for him to come round. But today we had a midwife appointment for the first time since the diagnosis, and she made it very clear that the odds were not at all good. Said she'd had 4 mothers before with Turners babies, and 3 had MC'd, one still birth. In notes the consultant had given us less than 1 in 10 chance of the baby making it to term. She pissed me off so much, I was fuming when we left the room, I just didn't want to hear it.
I was trying to get DH to say that it was my decision, that he'd support me whatever I chose, but he couldn't, he said it just wasn't what he wanted. We had a pretty big row. After I'd calmed down, I started to consider the implications for me carrying on with the pregnancy, and I realised that I can't do it without my DH. I started to stop seeing him as an arsehole and try and see the situation from his POV, and I realised that I was backing myself into a corner. This baby has such a tiny chance of making it, and if she does, she'll be in and out of hospital her whole life, and will have some serious hurdles. Why am I pushing this? It's our first pregnancy, we can try again, and fingers crossed, we'll get there withe a healthy baby.
So the decision is made, and I'm pretty heartbroken, but there's a bit of relief there, and I know in my heart that it's the right choice. It's just massively horribly unfair. But I guess you've been there.
Sorry for the essay. I've no idea where we go from here to sort out TFMR, DH is going to ring round tomorrow and get the ball rolling.
Then hopefully we can start trying again soon - does it take long before you can usually? x

Oh, Nessalina, it isn't fair and I am so sorry for you and your DH going through this.

You sound like you've come to a decision that is acceptable to you as a couple, but also one that you yourself can bear. The latter is important because it's your body and, quite rightly, the ultimate decision does lie with you.

Are the hospital able to arrange the procedure or have they said that you'll have to do so yourselves? Perhaps if you hadn't made the decision before you left there wasn't the opportunity to discuss options with them, and you could call them in the morning to find out? They may have counsellors or a bereavement midwife that you could talk to as well.

Please ask any questions you want here - there is so much experience to draw on and I know I won't be alone in wanting to help in any way I can.

I found that being as well prepared as possible, in terms of understanding my options and what would happen at the hospital and afterwards, made things slightly less difficult to get through.

With regard to trying again, my sense is that you can try again as soon as you are ready - I think one of us was advised to wait one cycle and another of us two cycles by our clinicians though. It makes sense because it's not easy on the body (or mind) to go through a TMFR and a little recovery time is a good idea.

Take care of yourselves.

oh Nessalina, I have been reading your other thread and am so sorry that you find yourself here. I found myself in a similar situation 3 years ago, although my husband and I were both on the same page when it came to terminating our first and long-wanted pregnancy for Down's syndrome, I could not in good conscience bring a baby into the world that I felt would face so many problems. I do still feel a twinge whenever people post their "Down's isn't so bad" stories in this section of the board, but I also haven't forgotten the experiences of a friend whose son has Down's and for whom life is and will be a big struggle always. With spectrum abnormalities, I think the decision is that much harder because there is always the residual doubt that yours might be the baby that will overcome the odds. But it is so much more likely that they won't, and you as a parent have to make the best decision you can for your baby.

Please do ask any questions you have here. We have all been there and can help. How far along are you? The hospital should be making arrangements for the termination, your husband should not have to arrange this for you. Is there a midwife you can call?

In terms of trying again, to be honest I can't remember what sort of limitations there were. I think you do need to give yourself time to recover physically and start the emotional healing process (still on-going for me) but I think virtually all of us have had an overwhelming desire to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I got my period back after six weeks, but it took nine months to conceive again, and that was with IUI and clomid. I had a healthy baby boy, as you can see from our 'list of hope' at the top of the page.

All good thoughts being sent your way.

Thanks ladies
We didn't find out much from midwife or consultant because at the time I was so sure termination wasn't going to be our choice, but DH has been on the phone today, and we're back to see the consultant tomorrow.
Apparently as I'm 15 weeks we're too far on for a surgical procedure, and there's no-one in our area who will do one this late on, so it's got to be medical. The consultant will give me a pill to prepare, then I'll be admitted on Saturday to be induced. Absolutely terrified, would much have preferred surgical rather than going through it conscious, but we can't afford to go private, so that's that.
Anyone else had a medical termination at this stage of pregnancy?

Hi Nessalina

I saw your other threads, I am so sorry you have ended up here. I went through a TFMR in March this year and this board is what got me through it, amazing support and it was great to be able to ask anything and talk to others who had been through the same/similar experience.

Re trying again, my consultant said I should wait two whole cycles first to let my body recover ready for another pregnancy. I was fortunate to fall pregnant again four months after my termination - I had gone a bit unhinged in the meantime as I was completely obsessed with getting pregnant again, and it has been very healing to be expecting again (although the loss is still very painful).

I had a medical termination at a day short of sixteen weeks, so probably a similar timescale to yours. I was very afraid and desperately wanted a surgical, but was too late on. This was my second pregnancy. The termination was in the gynae ward side room, with gynae nurses rather than midwives, but they were very good and very kind.

The pill to start things off, they warned me I might bleed or get some cramps but I didn't feel any effects.

In the ward, I had to be there at 9am but they didn't do the pessary until 1pm so quite a horrible wait. I don't cope well with internals so they let me have gas and air for the pessary. After that I just sat around for three or four hours, then I started getting some period cramps and then quite painful cramps (but not unbearable by any means) which they gave me some codeine for. (They said I'd be able to have stronger stuff if it got worse.)

I felt like I needed the toilet and had to use a bedpan thingy on the toilet, they offered to stay or leave me, anyway they left and about ten seconds later the foetus passed, it wasn't really painful, it happened so quickly too.

They were very kind and offered me the chance to see the baby (I chose not to) and then I had to wait until they were satisfied the bleeding had stopped, and they let me go home about 9pm. They would have preferred me to stay and I had to return the next morning for form filling and anti-D injection.

Sorry if all the above is too much information, I thought it might help to know what it might be like, it helped me to know what to expect. I can honestly say the procedure itself was nowhere near as bad as I feared physically, although I felt pretty bereft afterwards. I also felt relieved in a way though to have got through it, so I could turn towards the future.

Please do ask on here if you need to know anything at all, or just to vent about it all, we have all been through it and understand some of how you are feeling.

Take care

Ali
x

Thanks Ali, it's good to hear how it will all go, forewarned is forearmed I guess! It's my first pregnancy, and tbh I guess I'm less scared of it hurting, and more scared that I won't be able to forget the sensation of the baby leaving me, if that makes sense? Damn pregnancy app says it's the size of an avocado, so I can't imagine it will pass unnoticed

Hi everyone,

Thinking of you, Nessalina.

What Ali has written is very similar to my own experience in many ways (in fact, what she wrote a few months back was invaluable in helping me prepare when I was going through it). There are a few other things I can share if you'd like, although I too feel hesitant to overload you. Have a think and let us know how you're feeling. I'll check back tomorrow.

Time for bed now, so tired. Today (1am now, so yesterday really) would've been my due date. Wishing with all my heart that things had turned out differently, but it was as it was. We made the best decisions we could and sad though today was, that thought is comforting.

Hi Nessalina

For me, it was good to get the termination out of the way so I could concentrate on grieving and trying to move on.

You mentioned the sensation as the baby leaves; I keep finding myself going over that day in my head (less now but I went over it a lot at first) and I come unstuck at that part, I cannot remember the feeling as it happened so quickly, and then I find myself really trying to remember, I have no idea why, it's odd. It's like I want to be able to recall that moment properly. But I can't, so hopefully that part will not haunt you either. I just have a vague memory of something quite hard popping out shockingly fast.

One other thing I wasn't expecting was that when my baby passed, they had to clip the cord and cut it, then I had to get back into bed with this clip swinging between my thighs, which wasn't very dignified, plus I am very squeamish so felt quite shuddery about it.

I still dwell on the fact I didn't see the baby, and whether I should have or not. But I guess I need to try and live with the fact that I didn't. In some ways I wanted to but was too scared. There wasn't that much time to decide, as my termination was arranged quite quickly in the end.

It was a very hard time and I thought I would never feel normal again, but nearly 8 months later I do feel mostly ok day to day, although still quite teary when I think about the loss. It wasn't the same for DH, he didn't seem to feel the loss as keenly. He was also immediately certain that we should terminate whereas I was only about 98 or 99% sure - so almost certain, but without that confidence and peace that being 100% about a decision gives you. Yet I do know we did do the right thing.

Sorry Nessalina, that was quite a lot of rambling from me. Thinking of you, hope you are getting through these impossible days.

Lostlove thinking of you, the due date was something I found hard to deal with other than by trying to block it out, probably not very healthy. Like you say, we have to make the best decision and then live with it. I think the due date will be hard every year, and I also keep imagining a little boy of x weeks who should be here and is not. I hope it will get easier eventually.

Thanks, Ali.

Yes, me too - standing at the place we went to remember her yesterday, wondering what she would have been like.

The lack of certainty about the decision is, I'm sure, something many of us experience. It's like you have to find a kind of peace in accepting and making space for it, rather than trying to convince yourself you're more certain than than you actually feel?

With the delivery, we weren't at all sure if we would spend time with her afterwards, but something the bereavement midwife had said made me feel I could bear it. For us it turned out to be exactly what we needed to do (of course, it's very personal and different for everyone).

I was uncertain, too, about how appropriate a funeral felt for a tiny baby, but in the end we did have a very simple service and cremation (private, although there was the option of hospital-arranged) and again, for us, it was very comforting. I chose a short piece of music and we decided together on simple flowers for the casket and how we wanted the service to be. DP made all the arrangements with the local Funeral Directors; it was a comfort to me that he took on that responsibility, and good for him to be able to do that for our baby and for me.

What I didn't know until we found ourselves needing their services, is that it's quite usual for funeral directors not to charge for baby funerals. It felt like such a kindness and I'll always be very grateful.

Hope you're taking good care of yourself, Nessalina.

Hi, sounds like yesterday will have been a hard day lostlove, so hope you're feeling ok
We saw the consultant today and took the first pill, back in on Saturday for the main event. She was lovely, went through everything in detail, it sounds like they really do their best to make it as painless as it can be.
Still can't say I'm 100% sure, but I know it's the right thing really. I could try and wait and give her a chance, but I know the outcome is likely to remain the same, and it will only get harder.
I think I'll always have the picture in my head of the little girl that might have been.

Thank you, Nessalina, I am. It was a hard day but doing something together to remember our baby gave us a focus and was nice even when there was so much sadness.

As I said before, being prepared for Saturday really will make things less difficult, as will feeling supported, so I'm very pleased to hear the meeting with the consultant was positive.

Here if you need anything x

Hospital have called - we're going in at 1pm today! Wish me luck.

Sending good luck vibes, hope it all happens nice and quickly.

Forgot to mention the other day, have you looked at ARC, I joined their forum after my termination and found it quite useful (although preferred posting on mumsnet).

Take care x

Wishing you well today, Nessalina.

All done and out the other side!
It was actually much worse than I expected pain wise. I don't really get period pain, so it was a very unfamiliar sensation, it bloody hurt! They started us off at 2:30, and by 3:30 the contractions had started mildly, then 5:30 I had a diamorphine injection which was just the best thing EVER. Dozed & floated after that until baby was born at 7:30pm. That part was the least bad really, it was just great that it was all over. Decided not to see her, but the hospital are making up a little memory pack with hand & footprints for us which I'll be glad to have. Vommed a bit from the drugs, then had a mega snooze. Just woken up and feeling much more myself. So relieved it's all over. The midwives were amazing, as was DH, it must have been horrible for him seeing me in pain. Anyway. Onwards!

Sounds like it went as well as could be hoped and that you were well looked after - lovely that the hospital offer a memory pack.

Hope you and your DH had a restful night's sleep.

Yep, we're home and feeling ok. Love the little memory box from the hospital - precious little handprints.
Hoping to keep this Fred alive & active, there must be other ladies who've had TFMR out there hoping for a BFP right now

Sending you hugs Nessalina. Make sure you take plenty of time out to recover. xx