Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

[NatzCNL]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins ? Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila ? baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain ? Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 ? baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess ? Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB ? Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate ? Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel ? Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird ? George 24/07/11
Sarahmia ? baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers ? Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj ? Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily ? Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug ? Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

Oh Manitz, I can't imagine how devastating that must have been for you, and your parents. As if teenage years aren't hard enough, to also have to deal with losing your little sister....there are no words really. I only hope that somehow you have felt her with you over the years - probably not coming across as I intend it to, but I hope you know what I mean. Much love xx

hi mishtabel, thanks very much for your sentiments. it was actually 25 years ago so I suppose the anniversary was on my mind but I always forget on the day and it was a long time ago so the old cliche that time heals is true. It was devastating for all of us at the time but the accident was the worst and her continued life beyond the accident made me wish for and believe completely in a need for organisations like dignitas, in the end her death was a relief as there was so little of her left.

And of course I grew up and moved on and it took a while but I think I'm a pretty rounded person now with kids of my own and a great life. My parents will always have it with them but the birth of their grandchildren has helped a lot but i dont think you ever get over it as a parent as you know yourself. I hope I never have to experience it with one of my children but I try not to let it make me too cautious with them but want to let them live a little. love to you too. x

i mean '25 years ago two days ago'

Hi everyone, and special hellos to Flower (hooray for clomid!), Linn and Tricky. Good luck on your pregnancy journey and take heart from the thread babies list.

waves to everyone else Kittens and Katie, I really hope things brighten up for you soon.

We are (I hope!) coming out of a reflux fog, my poor boy has been very grumpy and grizzly during and after feeds and he's none too keen on sleeping either unless he is attached to me or next to me. He doesn't like to sleep during the day for more than 20 mins at a time either! We're both a bit tired... Luckily for him he's rather cute.

My parents' visit ended prematurely when my father took umbrage at the way I reminded him we needed some help (ie I asked him to make me a cup of tea). They packed their bags and stormed out although not before they paid a visit to A&E because my mother had a headache. Drama, much? It was lovely and peaceful once they'd gone!

Hello lovely ladies. Today is the 3rd anniversary of losing my precious baby Daisy (and my baby Amy also has her anniversary next week). I'm feeling a little wobbly...or actually rather like I want to howl, wail and smash things, but there are lots of reasons why I need to keep it together today. But I thought I would pay a little visit to you all here.
I logged on, and what should I see on the intro post? My little boy's birth celebrated! Franklin would not be here if we hadn't had to let Daisy go. He is 2 and 2 months now, and totally adorable. Thank you so much Natz for the lovely list of babies. It is wonderful to see all the names I was so familiar with, that have had bubbas!
My Dd, 5, was asking me about Daisy and Amy the other morning. She asked some really hard questions...how big were they? where did they go? (I tried explaining about spirit, and not 'needing' our bodies when we die...phew) She wanted to know, did I dress them? Where did they lie? And most heartbreaking...where are they now, why couldn't we keep them and why didn't I keep them warm? Sob. I know the questions will come and I try to answer them simply and softly, but it's so hard, especially near the time we lost them.
Thank you for being here, and sending out love and very best wishes to you all.
Lins xxxx

Oh bless you lins. That must've been very hard. Little ones are so innocent and frank with their questions aren't they? Sending you a big hug. xx

ghislaine, I bet you wish you'd asked for that cup of tea weeks ago don't you? Glad to hear you've got a bit of peace and quiet now.

mishtabel, it's lovely to hear from you. Sorry to hear things have been rough for your DD. Is she still having problems with the bullies?

You're right mishtabel, dementia is very hard to watch as your loved one looses their grip on reality day by day. My grandma was a physchotherapist until she retired at 82. We used to call her "The Oracle" because she was the one with all the answers, who seemed to be able to make everything better. Now, when I need her the most, she is slipping further and further away. She has enough lucidiy to want to comfort and look after me in my sadness but not quit enough to be able to much about it. She is nearly 92 though, so obviously it's not a big surprise, just very sad to see her so helpless and not very good timing - although I suspect that's no coincidence.

Manitz - I'm so sorry you had that heartbreak of loosing your sister. It must be very poignant with your children reaching that age that she was when she died. Did you find the counseling helpful? I have just been for an assessment for grief counseling and am hoping they will find me a place in the next few weeks or so. I am a right bloody mess at the moment and I think it's going to be that way for a while, especially with my grandma how she is too.

Well, AF showed up this week so I'm back on the letrozole today. A higher dose this time so hopefully I will get more than one follicle for OH to aim at! Will keep you posted.

Lins, I hope you had a peaceful day yesterday. Your DD's questions are the ones we all ask ourselves - it is hard, I'm not sure I have answers myself, only emotions.

hi there. ghislaine I'm glad you are all back on your own again. Far more relaxing. Lins, although the questions are hard I think it is really good to face up to them so that the girls are always part of your family. I hate the idea that my babies would be dirty secrets. Kittens, I didn't get counselling at the time but about 10 years later I was pointed towards it by a friend when I clearly hadn't dealt with some of the issues. I called cruse and it was great, just over the phone the woman told me about typical grief for loss during the teenage years and the science behind it really helped me out - just knowing I had had a typical reaction helped me resolve some of the anger but it was all with hindsight so I'm not sure if it would have been so useful at the time.

I had some counselling at work following my first termination. It was useful and probably saved my friends from listening to me waffle. The guy just listened really. I think it probably has its place but to me it seems just a tool to help you work things out yourself. It has been more useful talking to /reading about others who have been through similar experiences.

wow - it's been quiet on here (and the sister thread) recently - hope that's a good sign and means everyone is out enjoying this beautiful weather!!
just looking for some handholding really....saturday is the 1st anniversary of the day we lost Eve. i can't believe it has been a whole year - it seems like just yesterday it all happened. If I didn't have Callum here as proof that it must have been at least 9 months (well, ok 7 months in his case) then i wouldn't believe it.

i've spent most of march so far re-living all of the events of last year...the horrendous nuchal, the decisions re: cvs/amnio, the amnio and of course the horrible waiting. and then of course saturday :( dh and i will go and visit her grave, but i'm hoping that i'll hold it together as he's then off to work for the day and i'll be home alone with the 3 boys. well actually the boys will keep me busy no doubt, but i actually want time to remember her. yet all the time i now look at at callum and realise that had we not lost her, then he would not be here now. sorry, am not making much sense. just wanted to talk to you on here as (typically) everyone IRL who knows, barely ever mentions her now and i doubt remember when her birthday is.
my mum however was a sweetie the other day - she's really into geneology, and asked me whether i would 'mind' if she added Eve onto our family tree.....that really choked me up - of course i didn't mind :) anyway - i'm babbling now and i've a cute little boy who's wanting a feed, but just wanted to drop in and hope that someone will come along to tell me that what i'm feeling is totally natural! xxxx

Blimey mrsbigz-your mum putting Eve onto your family tree got me choked up too. A fitting reminder. The first anniversary for me was the hard one. The dates and memories are etched on your mind so hard so of course it's natural to be thinking about her and reliving that awful time. For me it's faded dramatically, especially now I've got Jacob. But from what others on here have said, I think I'm unusually detached from my past nightmares. Just my way of dealing with it maybe. But for now, and especially for tomorrow, just hold on that bit tighter to dh and callum, and yourself for that matter. We'll be thinking of you.

just popping in to say hi to Mrsbibz, what you describe sounds totally natural to me. Because you lost eve you have callum, bitter-sweet, if that makes sense.
Thinking of you over this weekend, hugs xx

Thinking of you today Mrsbigz xxx

HI everyone, it?s been ages since I posted. I?ve been very busy and don?t know where the time went.

Ghislaine, I can?t believe your parents storming off like that. You must have been both annoyed and relieved. Sleep will get better, hang in there (Coffeebean still not sleeping through but it?s so much better than the early days). He napped on me for the first 4 or 5 months, then went into his cot without any problems. I hope Charles will grow out of his reflux.

Lins, I was actually talking with DH about what we will tell Coffeebean when he starts asking questions about Silvia and why we go to visit her grave. I have no idea, probably a gentle form of the truth is best. Hard though...

Kittens, sending you my love, and as usual my fingers are crossed for you xx
Mrsbigz, I hope the first anniversary was not as bad as you had imagined? I am with Poot on this one, I found the first one much harder than the second one. I was a few weeks pregnant on the first one and I remember visiting Silvia?s grave and feeling so sad and afraid but so, so hopeful at the same time (and annoyed with myself for allowing myself to feel hope, and guilty for rushing into another pregnancy). I hope the day brought you some peace as well. For me too, the second anniversary was quite a peaceful day, the run up to it worse than the actual day. I remember reading ages ago a post by Shangrila, an old timer , in which she was saying she feeled healed, and that?s how I feel now I guess. I can?t believe I?m in this place now.

Quiet congratulations to Flower, Linn and Tricky, I hope you will find this space helpful.

Big hello to Cantdo, Mishta, manitz, Natz, Katie, Poot and Cherry xxxx

Thanks for the thoughts ladies. To be honest the day was bloody awful as on thurs morning I took Callum into a&e as his cold had got worse and he was working hard to breathe and feed - diagnosed bronchiolitus (although thankfully not the rsv strain which ds2 has when he was about 4 months old) and he was kept in under observation until Saturday :( thankfully he didn't need any oxygen or a tube fitted). But it meant that Eves anniversary was spent in hospital about 500 yards from where she was born. I couldn't get out to visit her grave as am feeding on demand (& he was doing little and often while so poorly) and SJ was looking after the other boys so I didn't have him with me either. I did however have one very thoughtful friend who knew the situation and who went and visited her grave 'on my behalf' (her baby boy is in the same cemetery) and left a pink teddy - so I was really grateful for that. I spent most the day in tears for her and worry for Callum and guilt about who I should be shedding the tears for!?! Aargh - not how I planned it at all. I've not had a chance yet to go and see her (although we're out of hospital now' as Callum still not 100% but I will as soon as I can.
Sorry for the me post - just had to let this out here xx

Oh poor Callum, and poor you, that sounds awful. It is strange how our babies' lives intersect like that. Your friend sounds brilliant, that was such a thoughtful thing to do. I remember on our first anniversary we didn't make it to the cemetery either (we'd gotten confused about closing times and left it too late). I felt dreadful and cried that I had let the baby down. We did go that weekend though. It's so nice that your friend was able to go and be with Eve while you were with Callum.

And I meant to say earlier that your mum sounds lovely .

Mrsb sorry you had such a difficult weekend, hope Callum gets better very soon x
Natz not long till your big day now, hope you have a fantastic day! and Cherry hope the wedding plans are going well.
havingkittens, thinking of you and hope you are getting lots of support in RL.

I had my scan on monday, baby was very wriggly and would not stay still, all is fine and as it should be. We got our results today NT was 1.90 and our combined test risk for downs is 1:2335 which is better than I expected given my age. Now starting to feel more pregnant if that makes sense.

Hello to everyone else xx

Oh flower congratulations! Fantastic news. I bet you can hardly believe it?! I remember getting the letter through with my odds which were similarly amazing and I had to ring them to check they hadn't mixed me up with someone else. And I definitely know what you mean about feeling more pregnant now. You'll probably have another wobble by the time of the next scan, but just enjoy your mini bump and those lovely results. X

Oh well done Flower and baby flower! Are you going to have another scan before your 20 week one?

Hello, been a bit absent, sorry!

Just came on to rather belatedly wish Natz congratulations on her recent nuptuals! Probably/hopefully on honeymoon now but I hope you had a wonderful day!

Great news from Flower too. Congratulations to you too!

So sorry to hear about how the day turned out for you MrsBigz. I hope Callum is on the mend now and that you've managed to get some time to visit Eve's grave. It must've been so hard for you to be there at the hospital on that day of all days, but hopefully Eve was watching over Callum for you making sure he was going to be ok.

Not much to report here. AF just finishing, so embarking on my 3rd cycle of letrozole.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Katie, have you had any luck finding another job?

Hi there, it's been a year probably since I last posted, but I just wanted to say a big hello to everyone, from down here in Australia.

I ended up moving here mid 2011, with my DS and my (now ex) husband. I am very pleased to be back home in Oz, though I do miss the UK in many strange little ways. It was over 6 years I was in the UK and I had my DS there, so it will always be a huge part of my life.

I am settled back in my home town, got a part-time job and DS is in pre-school (he is 3 now). It is great to be near my family again.

I have had to give up any hopes of having another child, since what happened with my husband. I am 42 now and not in any place to be getting into another relationship. It hurt for a long time but I am at peace with it now. And there is so much else going on (he is taking me to court - long story best left unexplained as probably risking defamation if I go into it!!! :(

But of course I have my beautiful DS who is just the light of my life. He makes me laugh every day, he's a funny little bugger.

I am glad to see so many more names added to the list of thread babies - congratulations to you all. I remember our meet up in London and trying to put the faces to the names again.

anyway big wave to you all from Mimsy... xxxxx

Oh mimsy-so lovely to hear from you, although I'm really sorry things didn't work out with your husband. I think we last heard from you when things were starting to get bad but I'd hoped for the best. Hope things get smoother for you soon.

Hey kittens my love. Good luck on this cycle. Hope the higher dose drugs are ok and don't give you too many side effects. And hope you're feeling kind of ok. xx

Things are very quiet round here. I guess that means quite a lot of being kept busy by little ones. Hope all's well though. Flower-how are you getting on?

Just a quick fly by visit to wave hello to all. Wedding was fantastic, emotional and just perfect. Am happily married and have been for nearly a week now!

Will read back and do a proper post soon xxx

Hi everyone! Been quite a while since I've been on. Have been having some scary health issues over last few months and am waiting to see a neurologist. So have been really preoccupied and worrying myself sick. Hopefully it'll be ok, we will see.

Congratulations Natz!! Glad you had a wonderful day, hope you all had a great time. I'm sure the girls all enjoyed every minute. Have you managed a honeymoon?

Yay Flower, great news! I'm so pleased you've got such great results. When is your 20 week scan? Hope you're feeling ok and enjoying pregnancy as much as possible.

Kittens hope your next cycle goes well and hope time is helping a little after the loss of your mum.

Mimsy, I think I may have joined around the time you left, I remember reading posts from you. Sorry you've had a rough time lately.

How is everyone else? It has been quiet hasn't it! Hope not because everyone is knackered! Kade is almost 6 months and still doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. I'm hoping he'll get better once we start solids otherwise it's sleep training. Have bought No Cry Sleep Solution in preparation.

Right, DD is thrusting bedtime story book at me so must go - hi to all and hope everyone, bumps and babies are doing well!

Hi everyone,

Cherry sorry you are having a difficult scary time, hope things work out with your investgations, and Kade starts letting you get more sleep.

Natz Congratulations, glad you had a FAB wedding.

Kittens hope everything works well with your next cycle.

I'm doing ok, the sickness is now wearing off, and I'm getting used to my changing body. its all new to me, I've never been this pregnant before. I have my 20 week scan when I'm exacatly 20 weeks on the 23rd of may, see the consultant then but that is because I had fertility treatment so been refered back to him. Hospital and midwife have just reiterated last time was a horrible one off, so they dont see any extra concerns.

hello to poot, Mrsbigz, Ghislaine and everyone, hope things are going well.xxx

hi natz congrats on the wedding. mimsy it's nice to hear from you though I am also sorry that you were unable to work things out. I was wondering how you are and I'm glad you got to go home.
Cherrybug, I don;t know what's wrong with you but when i had ds I also found a lump on my neck and it took a year to sort out. it was a huge single nodule on my thyroid - i was absolutely paranoid the whole year and it was horrific. I think it's even worse when you have all the hormones flooding your system too. I hope you get some answers soon.

Kittens good luck with the next cycle.
All well here and am really busy. sacha is weaning and really strengthening up. x