Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

[NatzCNL]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins ? Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila ? baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain ? Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 ? baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess ? Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB ? Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate ? Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel ? Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird ? George 24/07/11
Sarahmia ? baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers ? Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj ? Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily ? Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug ? Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

Yay Kittens! Gees, what a hopeless bench buddy I am. I knew your scan was on the 4th, then I got it in my head that it was the 6th, so I was all prepared to write a little 'thinking of you' spiel, and find myself two days late. So glad to once again hear all is well. With Bella, I was on fortnightly progesterone injections (and of course the folic acid), and felt a sense of surrender to whatever the outcome of the pregnancy might be, knowing that I was doing everything possible medical-wise for a successful outcome. I know you've been through quite a bit more than me in that respect, and your treatment is much more involved, but I'm wondering if you feel that same 'sense of surrender' at all? I found it quite sanity saving actually (until I started to bleed following the CVS, which made me totally fall apart and led me to these boards). Anyway, terrific news, and I will be checking in for updates. Oh, and that fact that you passed up a chance to do makeup for Tom Daley for whatever reason, let alone a boring booking, is truly a testament to your professionalism

Great, as always, to hear from everyone, and get updates on the little ones. Are you going to have a meet-up this year? If I wasn't on the other side of the world I'd be organising it myself. Seeing all the old names never fails to remind me what a lifeline these threads were to me; a bunch of people who I'd never met/would never meet, but who I could relate to and confide in more than anyone I actually knew in 'RL'

Lastly, I hope I haven't scared you all with tales of 15yr old dd. Thankfully, not all teenagers are as much of a 'challenge' - 17yr old dd, besides the occasional mood swings, has never been a worry (which I think 15yr ol dd realises, and resents a bit). Either way, toddlers are still sooo much easier

Love to you all xxx

Thanks for all your messages. Lovely to hear from you all. Don't worry I completely understand Mishtabel. Life gets busy, I don't expect you to remember!

Yes, I do have a certain sense of surrender. I am doing everything I can so the rest is up to fate. With regards to progesterone, well delightfully I am going to bed each night with a progesterone suppository, so it's all glamour here!

I have just booked my Nuchal at The Fetal Medicine Centre. GULP! It's pretty expensive. £180 for the scan and total of £500 if you have the CVS too but I just want to be in the best possible hands so that I know where I'm at. The date is 3 October and I shall be duly shitting myself!

Kittens i have my anomaly scan on the 3rd - hope it's a lucky day for the both of us! I have read so many good things about the FMC on here am sure it's worth the extra £ - Are you having an nhs one too anyway?

Cherrybug so sorry totally forgot to comment on your weddng in all the excitement of Kittens news. Hope the last couple of weeks are not too stressful and that you have a super day! We just booked a holiday to cyprus in 2 weeks as a sort of very late honeymoon as didn't have the time or energy to sort anything out around the time.

Coffee hello lovely of you to swing by - i think i have mentioned before that coffeboy sounds exactly like Felix - we got him a scooter for his 2nd birthday thinking it would take him a wee while to get the hang of it but whooosh watch him go!! Anyway what i mean to say is i appreciate your joy and pain of a toddler who won't sit still - i look at other families enjoying a drink or lunch out wistfully. We do, do it but it's always very stressful as highchairs and Felix don't mix and obviously nor does running into the kitchen to help cook the food or dashing out the front door towards a busy road!

Flower how exciting - not long at all to go now! Hoping the baby comes on time and looking forward to hearing the news. I have a couple of friends waiting to pop at the minute and keep checking my phone for updates!

Big wave to Mishtabel, Can't, Poot, Manitz, Numpty and everyone else - so lovely to hear your updates and glad to see old faces keep popping up again.

What i want to know though is who is planning on joining in again soon?! Coffee and Poot am looking at you guys xxx

Oh Katie- I've got a new job starting next month so no new babies coming here I'm afraid...

Yay for Kittens and Yay for Flower!!!!

Flower do you know what you are having? Sorry to hear about the pelvic pain, it will all be worth it though!

A lot of very positive things happening at the moment, it's so wonderful to read.

Katie - hope you enjoy your holiday in Cyprus. It does take it out of you all the wedding planning doesnt it! I think a delayed honeymoon is nice - something to look forward to.

Kittens - We've decided on Sardinia next year around May/June - probably the south. It looks such an amazing place!

Ta for all the wedding thoughts, I had my final dress fitting today and I love love love it. Think I'm most excited about that!

Love to all!

No babies here either, Katie, at least not yet. There's no way I could have 2 little ones in childcare, and also Coffeeboy only sleeps through a few nights a month so I am exhausted. I am just enjoying him at the moment and although I am feeling broody sometimes, I am terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again. Even now the thought of being on a scan table makes me shudder...

Such a beautiful hot day. Kids are playing in the garden and I'm just sitting watching and thinking of where I was 2 years ago today. Seems so long ago but also still so recent. Sienna is running around in her walker babbling away. I know she is a blessing. I'm not tearful thinking of Cara today, my heart is heavy, but it's not like last year, the anger has gone, the pain has lessened. I've spent the last 2 hours in quiet reflection. We will light a candle for her tonight.
They same time is a healer, and I now find that to be partly true. My family, my husband and our babies have soothed the pain.
Feeling very humbled today. No tears, just memories and a very heavy heart xxx

hi natz. I didn't realise it was your anniversary. You sound very calm. Time is a healer is such a cliche but I have found it to be true. It's a lovely day today, last day of summer...

Thinking of you Natz. x

Thinking of you too Natz - glad you had a lovely family day x

Boo to Poot and Coffee - lol ;)

Cherry glad you loved your dress - that was what i was most excited about, getting to wear the dress!

I didn't realise it was Cara's anniversary Natz. I am glad it was a meaningful day for you and somehow watching your kids play and remembering sounds very fitting.

Reading your post makes me face up to a truth I don't really like. For the last few months, I've been wondering if my connection with my little girl is lost forever. Not only is the rawness gone, which is only natural I guess, but I don't feel sad any more when I think of her. Actually, I'm not sure this is true, if I dwell on it some of the heaviness of heart comes back, but generally since having my little boy I find that I am accepting what happened and visiting Silvia's grave is now just a part of our weekend routine. Being there doesn't make me particularly sad. Is this awful? Only last year I was still grieving. I actually feel like I need to look at her pictures again and I want to cry, I want to feel the pain of losing her again.

I'm not sure I'm making sense and I didn't really face up to this until now.

Coffee - don't feel guilty for not feeling so sad anymore, it's natural that will happen with time and for me too since having Felix i am so overjoyed with him i rarely think of our lost little girl anymore. In fact we wouldn't have him if things had not have gone wrong the first time round which is a terrible thought.

Do you know that i have forgotten due dates and anniversary's before and felt so bad about that. It affects me more when i have friends who have had similar losses or misscarriages as i connect to how they feel and it brings it all back. But i am totally at peace now and looking forward to the future which is ok to do. There is no need to keep feeling sad and i'm sure silvia wouldn't want that for you either xxx

hi coffee me too. I have to look at pictures to cry. I think it is a good thing as I can compartmentalise and ensures that most of the time I'm in the land of the living not worrying about the past. x

Thanks for your messages. It really was such a calm and lovely day. I know what you mean about feeling bad that you aren't sad any more. I have felt so guilty about not thinking about her or sadness at the loss. Life is so busy and full at the moment. The void that she left is not really there any more. I still think of her and feel the heavy heart, but I dont remember the last time I cried for her.

That's not to say I dont wish it hadn't happened, because I remember the devestation so clearly and the pain was unbearable at times. I haven't forgotten that, not at all. I just no longer associate that to my life now. I can talk about her without feeling uncomfortable, sad, sick or any of the other feelings that used to surface. My brother-in-law asked why I had a tatoo on my foot (which I am sure he has seen a thousand times) and I simply replied, 'it is for Cara' he looked confused so I explained 'our lost baby'. Part of me still gets upset that others dont like me mentioning her or get uncomfortable when I do. But that is their problem, I feel at ease talking about her now, not that I often do.

There are some days I feel a bt low, but it's only for a short while.

Sorry for the long post! Cherry, how long now till the big day? Kittens, I hope you are feeling well and the little one is growing rapidly. Big hello to everyone else - am off to my cousins wedding today so now attempting to wrestle the three girls into pretty dresses.... they love them really, they just dont keep them clean! Sienna became an official walker yesterday, had been doing the odd steps here and there over the last month, but yesterday she decided that walking was the way forward. She's still quite wobbly and not at all fast but the look of pride and excitement on her face is priceless xxx

Another scan tomorrow kittens? Seem to remember you saying 2 weeks? Hope all's well. xx

Blimey Poot, you're on the ball! Yes, I have a scan tomorrow morning. I have also brought my nuchal forward by a week. It's going to be a busy couple of weeks by the look of things. I have a scan tomorrow, booking in appt on Sat, Private Nuchal next Weds, NHS Nuchal two days later - although the lady I spoke to said that if I was having a private one I couldn't have an NHS one too. I'm trying to suss out what to do as on one hand I feel it would be good to have a sneaky look in there if I end up having a CVS on Wed, just to see everything's OK, but on the other hand, not sure if it's a good idea to have someone poking around with my womb so soon after a CVS. Hmmmmm. Then, all being well, I will be back at the clinic having my IV Intralipids (which is basically soya bean oil) on the following Monday. All go here! Needless to say i am shitting myself!

I think tomorrow's scan should be ok. I am peeing about 4 times a night, eating like a horse and pretty sleepy a lot of the time. Not much MS to speak of, although I did have to suddenly dash to the loo this afternoon thinking I was going to throw up which is the first time that's happened since about 5 weeks.

Good luck for tomorrow Kittens xxx

Thanks StormBird. x

Best of luck for tomorrow! Will check in again tomorrow eve for an update xx

Good luck for tomorrow and next week Kittens - I'm off on holiday early tomorrow to Cyprus for a week so may not be able to check in until i get back but will be thinking of you and crossing my fingers regardless xxx

I'm pleased to report that I am measuring 10+4 and good heart beat of 165 . So, the next hurdle is my Nuchal next week.

Have a lovely holiday Katie. I will be checking in for news of your Anomaly scan when you're back. x

fantastic news kittens!!! Sorry i am a day behind i though it was tomorrow. So pleased for you

Good luck for next week too xxx

Woo-hoo! Living that sticky little bean! xxx

Yay for mini-kittens! Hoping the week flies by so fast you've no time to think, if you know what I mean (seems like it is anyway, best policy is to keep busy and keep moving on...).

Coffee/Katie/Natz, with any loss - whether like that we had, or the death of someone older than us - there are many seasons of emotion. I don't think we can stay in the winter of grief, even if we want to. Life makes us move on. My sister sent me something about this process recently, someone pointing out how we 're-member' people, we take them into ourselves. So that void does not stay a void, it is still there, but as part of us, who we are now. I don't think of Iola in daily life, but I still have her Babbit (the companion of which went with her) and it's become one of BabyJ's toys. It is poignant when I tell DD Iola Babbit's name, it reminds me of her lost sister, and I'm glad I have that reminder.

Hello very quick note from me to say yay for kittens. Delighted all is on track and will be checking in to see your progress. So happy that so far SO good!!!

We had our wedding last saturday and it was wonderful. Best day ever!! I feel sad that it's all over. Our 'honeymoon' has been fairly disasterous so far though with both kids having had sickness and diahorrea. We've come away for a few days just to my mums but to be honest are pretty bored. I think I need to get a proper holiday booked to have that to look forward to.

Katie - have a great holiday or belated honeymoon away. And good luck for the anomoly when it comes.

Hope everyone else is well. Sorry for lack of personals, love to all.