Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 3

[LittlePoot]

So, New Year, New Thread. And the next set of New Babies are arriving! I hope they prove that there can be light at the end of the very dark tunnel we have all had to come through and I hope there are many more babies to come. In the meantime, we're here, as ever, with supportive words, virtual hands to hold and multiple fingers to cross to help everyone through these nerve wracking waits and scans. A more lovely group of ladies you could not wish to find. xxx

Thanks for the reply Coffee, I know we did the right (and honestly only) thing by Cara. They told us pretty clearly that she wouldn't have survived the pregnancy, but there is always that question of doubt, and seeing a portrayal of a life with HLHS just really made me realise how life could have been had she have survived the pregnancy and first few weeks. Add Turners on top of that and who knows what kind of a life she would have had.

Had a long chat with a close friend today which helped as I never speak to anyone in RL about it now.

Glad Victor is falling into a sleep pattern of some sort. For what it is worth, my eldest had real problems getting to sleep in the early weeks/months and we would co-sleep quite often, mainly due to the sheer exhaustion and me falling asleep before her! She still sneaks in for a morning cuddle before wake up time, and I love that! Especially as her little sister follows about 5 or 10 mins later It's hard sleeping properly with a small baby in your bed with you, but as they get older and you know they will smack you in the face if they are uncomfortable it gets easier. My youngest hates sleeping in our bed unless she is ill, she loves her bed, or loves to sleep in bed with her big sister (soooo many photo's of them snuggled up fast asleep together in bed!!!)

Is it me next for the anomoly scan? Manitz, have you got the bloods back yet? Hello to all, am off to sleep now, Health Visitor coming tomorrow and house is in need of a going over... in the morning! xx

Hi everyone, hope you all enjoyed the wedding yesterday! I loved it though suspect the hormones were playing a part. Felt all emotional.

Have nuchal scan next Wednesday and have started panicking and feeling really apprehensive about it. I've never had a NT scan before, do they take longer than usual dating scan? I'm going to have to wait ages for the blood results too so will be a fraught time ahead. I'm just dreading next week. Manitz have you had blood results yet?

Natz, when is your anomaly scan? I've never had one of those either would you believe! When I was pg with DD in 2007/8 all I had was a dating scan as nothing else was available on the NHS in my area. It's amazing how I just sailed through that pregnancy without any knowledge of tests and scans.

Babylily, Eavers, Grandji - hope you're all well. Grandji, do you have your anomaly scan coming up too?

Hi to everyone else!

Hi Cherry and everyone - yes I have my anomaly scan this week on Thurs. Not sure if that is before everyone else or not...

We have been away for the last 2 days in a bid to escape the royal wedding and especially the street party on our road. Not that we are total party poopers but because it was James's due date yesterday. It was a relief to be away and we had a nice day in the sun doing lovely family things with DD but there were the expected times of looking into the sea and thinking about how things could be different etc. As I think lots of people have said, the actual day was not as bad as the anticipation of it, and weirdly I am feeling a bit worse today than I did yesterday, probably because we are back at home and normality hits again.

Natz, poor you with seeing that on Holby City. It's easy to doubt our decisions but of course you know deep down that you made the right decision for Cara based on how she was and would have been affected by her condition. I hear such a lot about Turners Syndrome (which my little girl Grace had) not being that bad sometimes, but in our situation, she was clearly not well (some organs not developing properly) so I have to make myself remember that and not focus on how other babies may be affected differently. What a shock for you though.

Hope everyone is enjoying the lovely long weekends.

Cherry, good luck with the NT scan next week! My NT scan took about 30-40 mins, they were very thorough, where as the dating scan took about 10 mins max. They look at all the organs and skeleton and take lots of measurements, as well as the measurement of the nuchal fold too. If they feel there is anything to be concerned about they will tell you there and then. Of course the bloods will give you more accurate odds of a problem. Will be thinking of you xxx

Grandj, good luck to you too with the anomaly scan on Thursday! I have mine next Wednesday the 11th. I am glad you managed to get away for James's due date. I can imagine a street party would have been awful on his day. I remember feeling emotionally exhausted after Cara's due date, but have been so much more relaxed since then. Still have the odd sad day but the tension after the due date seemed to melt away. I hope you feel a bit brighter soon.

I dont know if you ever watched it, but there was a documentary on some time last year, and repeated early this year called the 21 Year old baby, which was about a 21 year old girl trapped in the body of a 2 year old and the mind of an 8 month old. She had a severe form of Turners Syndrome, one of the worst cases, which they think was coupled with other problems, but they met other Turners sufferers and the majority of them were fine in the sense that they lead normal lives, but others were affected mentally. All I could think about was this poor girl and her family who were living with such a debilitating condition, and how little she got out of life. I asked the genetic counsellor if he could have predicted how bad her Turners would have been, and he said there was no way of knowing until she was born and begun growing.

Of course I know we would never have got to that stage due to HLHS severity, but it still plays on my mind a lot. I guess it is one of those things that I will always have to live with and obsess over. Am terrified my eldest had Turners, but GP has dismissed my concerns and suggested counselling. She says we would know if she had it, but I read so many stories where they dont find out until when puberty should start kicking in. She doesn't actually have any of the characteristics of Turners, but is under weight. I do check her almost daily though against the signs of Turners, and am slowly talking myself in to reason. Couldn't put her through a blood test for my peace of mind.

Eek! Long post! Hope everyone is well, and I hope the bloods are back now Manitz. Loved the Royal wedding yesterday, spent the whole day eating rubbish with the kids whilst DP was working!!!

hi, sorry Ive been quiet been busy round the house and trying not to waste time on mn! no bloods yet which should be good news - they said 4/5 days for bad news and 10 days for good news, i had the nuchal last monday so hoping all is well. had a couple of letters from hospital so was obv nervous when opening, one was my cardiac scan which will be 18 june so I'll be quite late (about 20wks I think) and the other was inviting me to a rememberance service for people who have lost babies in pregnancy this year. Can't work out if I want to go or not.

Natz I understand your terror, i had my older girls hearts scanned when I had my baby with hrhs and at one point was booked in for fortnightly appts with (my very understanding) gp as I had become a bit munchausens by proxy (I convinced myself that my oldest was really skinny because of a heart problem and i knew her mouth was quite blue).

Wish I'd seen that holby. I can get slightly obsessed about people with conditions similar to those that I have terminated pregnancies for. It's a bit voyeuristic but I suppose its because it shows how our lives could have been if we had chosen another path. Sometimes I really just want confirmation that I made the right choice.

Good luck for scans cherry, Grandj and natz, hello mrsbigz.
hope haven't missed anyone out. will update you as soon as I get my odds.
xx

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to get a grip of my fear. Had a talk with DP yesterday and he wondered if perhaps we should have waited longer before TTC. Of course too late now and he's very happy about it, just worried about me a bit I think. I must admit its a difficult combinaton - pregnancy, worry and grieving. I still think of Leila all the time and miss her and wonder how things might of been different. Like everyone else I suppose, thinking what it might have been like if we'd pressed ahead. Leila had partial Turners too as the deletion she had was on the X chromosome and they told us that the amount of extra material duplicated and translocated from 19 contained over 600 genes. We were told that she would have had multiple very severe problems with that amount of extra material and she may not even survive to full term.

Manitz, I know what you mean about wanting to see what the alternative path would have been. It's hard as Leila had something very rare but after her funeral I got in touch with a charity Unique, who are concerned with rare chromosomal disorders. DP was very worried that it might make things worse but in fact they had a family with a very young girl who had a similar translocation as Leila. Her life expectancy was poor and she had multiple severe problems, developmental delay etc. She'd spent most of her short life enduring surgery and medication and had to be tube fed. I felt at the time it brought some closure for us but still 6 months later I often find myself thinking , 'What If'.

Anyway Natz as you say something we have to live with and which will probably never completely go away. I know others have said they have been comforted somewhat by the thought/fact that once their baby arrives there is the knowledge that they wouldn't have been here had the loss not occured. I suppose its all a process and something that will never go but I expect over time the void feels a little smaller. At the moment I'm finding it hard to even think of a new baby and dont feel I'm bonding at all but I think thats fear. I'm hoping after the nuchal on wednesday I'll feel a bit different.

Grandji, I'm glad that you got through your due date and that being away helped a little. The sea does prompt some very reflective moments. We got the horrible news of the problem in the full amnio results whilst on a short break to Whitby. We spent the rest of the time there staring at the sea in shock and fear, like zombies whilst DD tried to spot mermaids. She was really into The Little Mermaid disney film at the time and now whenever she wants to watch it, it reminds us of that terrible holiday. I doubt we'll ever go to Whitby again.

Anyway long post, got up too early this morning and everyone else still sleeping. Grandji, best of luck for thursday and Natz for next week. Hope you get the results soon Manitz and Hi to everyone else!

Hi everyone. Mega message coming up...

Mishta, have to start with you because your post about Sheridan was so moving. I also wanted to say that please do tell us all about Sheridan whenever you want/can. Your DDs all sound so special, but the older ones were so patient and generous with Bella, that I do wonder if that is a legacy of losing Sheridan, in other words, that they have become the girls they have through missing their sister. Bella is a lucky girl having her older sisters. Of course that doesn't take away from missing Sheridan at all - it's just that I sense how much she has changed all your family, even affecting little Bella, and you'd think that would be negative, but somehow it seems she has brought about a real generosity of spirit and love rather than jealousy and rivalry.... (not to say that your girls can't be competitive and snippy, too, but YKWIM).
Also Mishta, you arrived in this board when you were bleeding and awaiting CVS results for Bella, and even then you were calm and generous. Since Bella came, you have been like a good fairy here, I look forward to your posts as they have a sort of warmth that washes over the thread.
OK, Mishta-love-fest over. But I wanted to say that. I really admire you. (oh and I love the fact that you also have a co-sleeping breastfeeding one year old... Makes me feel less odd)

Kittens, GOOD LUCK with ttc. Have no idea where you are in your cycle but I really hope for a sticky one. You deserve it. Would love to hear your opinions on the make up at 'the' wedding on Friday.

Poot, good to hear from you and you sound very chilled these days. I used to go to baby cinema screenings with DD1. Not very relaxing as there's always at least one baby yelling, but it's amazing how little screaming there is given the number of babies - the film seems to have a mesmerising effect.

Coffee, you made me laugh saying you will end up co-sleeping with a toddler. I guess that's what I'm doing (oops) without setting out that way. But DD1 gave up our bed earlier than DD2 has, so you might find he gets sick of you and wants some space before too long. Or... you might turn into Mishta and me...

Lily, Eavers, Manitz, great scan news. Congrats on the boys, Lily and Eavers. Eavers, we have three boys living two doors down. They are so cute together... Manitz, I reckon any sort of iffy blood result and they would have rung. They actually rang me anyway, despite being v low risk, because of my history, and the phone call terrified me. The anomaly scan seems soon. When is your due date - November? late October?

Natz, I too have suffered the Turners paranoia. My DD1 had v small feet as a toddler and shortly after the Turners was diagnosed in my first lost baby, I took DD1 for new shoes, and the lady said 'she has abnormally small feet', too small to buy walking shoes for. I wandered out of the shop and wanted to cry my eyes out knowing small feet is a Turners sign. I was SURE she had it. It didn't even occur to me that I am small with teeny feet too so was hardly going to give birth to a big-footed child. Anyway I still have the anxiety sometimes too, although DD1 now has small-to-average feet, not at all abnormally small, just like me, really. I LOVE Manitz's description of Munchausen by Proxy after what we have been through.

Cherry, good luck with the nuchal. I didn't bond with Babycant for a while either tbh, was still too stuck in fear, grief, etc, a bit numb, too. Well I say I didn't bond, but then you sort of realize you have, when you get to the scan and it feels like your world is going to break into pieces if it goes wrong again. I think it's self-protection and you just have to go with it.

Noticed when thread-gate happened, that Katarina was around still - how is your DS, Katerina, if you're reading?

No news from here, really. Though just to put you all off your Sunday brunch/lunch, Babycant lifted her head in bed the other night and vomited all over me. Lovely....

Manitz, lovely to hear from you, and I hope the bloods come back soon - for your peace of mind. As you say, if it was bad news they would have been in contact by now. You can watch the Holby episode on BBC i-player or on demand if you are a Virgin customer. I dont know how it works with Sky. We were invited to a rememberance service in December for lost babies, but I just couldn't face it, it was too soon after our loss and I didn't want to see other parents grieving for their babies. I know that sounds selfish, but I needed to be a bit selfish. My SIL went to church and lit a candle for Cara, as she does every time she goes. It is a comfort to me, but makes me feel guilty that Ive not been able to go into a church since we let her go.

Cherry, your post hit a chord with me. When we found out we were expecting this baby I was suddenly terrified and wished we had waited longer. Although it was happy news I had huge doubt over whether it was the right time or not. We didnt tell anyone in RL for 10 weeks, and to be honest we pretty much just ignored the pregnancy. Even when we began telling friends at 16 weeks I still didn't really want to talk about it and felt quite detatched from the baby. However, since I've been feeling the kicks and wriggles and especially since we told the girls Ive suddenly become very protective and excited about the baby. DP yesterday said he often forgets that Im pregnant because we just dont talk about it. Although the huge bump that I have now is a reminder. We have done nothing at all to prepare for the baby other than get my maternity clothes back in the wardrobe!

As sad as it that there is another family out there living the life that could have been yours, I am glad you got in contact with them and could see what kind of a life could have been in store for Leila. I spent a lot of time on Little Heart Matters reading the family stories, trying to convince myself that there could be happy endings, and for some very few families there are, but every case is different and each prognosis is unique. Im sorry that any of us had to go through these losses. We weren't really consulted that much with the Turners side of Cara's condition as the Heart Condition was so severe and all attention was put on that, so am interested to see that they could give you a prognosis on the chromosome numbers. I hope you soon begin to bond with baby. As Cant said, you bond without realising especially with impending scans etc.

Cant, lovely to hear from you too, I really wouldn't worry about co-sleeping tbh, they soon learn the enjoyment of their own space of a night. I still have my 4yr old in with me sometimes, especially when her eczema is bad. But I pre-warn her that I will move her into her own bed after half an hour etc and she is fine with that arrangement. But she does occassionally sneak back when we are asleep! Last night she crept in at 3am, I was actually already awake as had an entire night of nightmares and have been awake prperly since 4.30am....

DD2 has just fallen off the side of the sofa and has a massive lump on her head, so now trying to type whilst cuddling and holding ice pack on the back of her head... Hello to everyone else, and good luck to Grandj if I dont get back on before Thursday xx

Oh Cant, how badly I worded the co-sleeping thing, sorry... I hope you and Mishta didn't get me wrong. Nothing wrong with co-sleeping with a toddler, not what I meant at all, although I realise this is what it must have sounded like. I love waking up next to Coffeebean and giving him a big cuddle. I just meant that I want to get him used to his cot as well... I didn't mean to be flippant.

What a busy time for our thread, so many scans and results coming up. Cherry, I also feared, when getting pregnant this time, that I wasn't bonding with the baby. It really does come in time, and as the weeks were going by I realised, as Natz said, that I was becoming more and more protective of my bump. I didn't talk about it much in RL though, and could not get myself to buy baby stuff until after 30 weeks. You will get there, just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and take it day by day. It doesn't matter if you're feeling detached now, it's a normal reaction after what you've been through.

Manitz, they would have surely called you if the results were bad, but of course you need to see it black on white. I hope you don't have to wait much longer.

Everything is well in the Coffee household, but little Coffee is going through a growth spurt, he is ravenous and my breasts aren't coping. He is almost always still hungry after a feed and I started to top him up with formula. Also, my breast are so soft now, he is having trouble sucking properly and can get quite unsettled during the feed. I'm not very happy about it, I don't want him to get used to the bottle and start refusing the breast, but I couldn't see him hungry and refuse to give him milk just because it isn't breastmilk. I should probably express after every feed but it's very hard to do when I'm alone with him all day and I can't put him down for too long.

Sorry for not too many personals. I'll log on next week to see everyone's scan results and will keep my fingers crossed. xxxx

Oh Coffee you didn't word it badly - don't worry! I know what you meant. And believe me I would rather Babycant would learn to love her cot too... would LOVE some sleep...

If your breasts feel soft and Coffeebean struggles to latch, have you tried sort of squeezing them (think it's called breast compression, google?) to help him get the milk faster and be less unsettled? Little Coffeebean will need a new name soon... as he grows... as indeed will Babycant...

Thanks for the co-sleeping reassurance, Natz. I don't succeed in moving Babycant back to her cot yet - maybe I will in time. I'm not so bothered, really.

Oddly enough it's 2 years ago that my first lost baby was due. Have almost no feeling about that - partly it's the due date thing, and the due dates have never hit me hard like the anniversaries of the terminations, so even the due date itself, 2 years ago, wasn't so bad for me, but partly it is time. I almost feel that I was a different person then. Odd.

Hi everyone, I have a feeling this might be a long one, so no offense if you don't make it to the end

First, Cant, your post made me cry - it was so lovely. Thank you. I hope you know the admiration is mutual. You were here for me right from the start, and still take the time to post and comfort not only those here, but on the other thread too. I do lurk on the other thread, but no longer post there, instead waiting to catch up with them here (a big wave to you all if you're lurking - hello MrsBigz - look forward to seeing you all here; a thread of hope and looking to the future, while never forgetting where we have been)
It's a nice thought that losing Sheridan may have had a positive influence on how we are as a family, I hope so - I often feel disappointed in myself for letting her death make me so fearful and a bit of a control freak, as I never wanted that to be her legacy.
It's actually 3 years ago for me that I terminated my pregnancy. It was around midnight when I delivered - I was never given an actual time, so to be honest, I don't actually know if it was the 2nd or 3rd of May. Not sure how I feel about it all now besides the 'what-ifs', though there are what-ifs with Sheridan too, so I've learnt to just acknowledge, but not dwell on them, otherwise I'd be mad by now. When 'threadgate' was happening, I went back and found my original posts on another forum that I posted on about my pregnancy - I agree, Cant, it feels like I was a different person. Time, as well as having a new baby to love, has definitely helped

Coffee, I second Cant, in that I didn't find that comment at all offensive. Actually I must admit to having a bit of a wicked giggle at it Seriously though, I can definitely understand that co-sleeping with a toddler would not be everyone's cup of tea. By Bella's age, my other girls were in their own cots, sleeping through, though I haven't really made a serious attempt this time. When DH is home, I do put her in her cot for her first little sleep, but when he's not, I rarely bother. Conversely, my teenage DD's refuse to sleep in my bed even if I beg (the 14 year old will if she's watched a scary movie though!). Sympathies about the BFing - it's so hard to know what to do for the best sometimes isn't it? Hopefully, as you said, this is just a growth spurt and your milk will soon, once again, satisfy him. Thank you also for your thoughts on Sheridan's birthday

Grandj, definitely agree children pick up on things more than we realise. It's hard to know how much/what to tell them at what age. Like Babylily (waves to Babylily), I kept our girls informed from the start with my DS pregnancy. They were 11 & 13 at the time, so a bit different to you. It was hard, as all along they wanted us to keep the baby, as there are a few students at their school with DS who are quite healthy and happy. They did understand when I told them that there was such a broad spectrum, and increased risk to health/life, and that there was no way of knowing how our baby would be affected, but still hard on them. I would rather them have heard it all from us though, than to get snippets of information from elsewhere, or to just think there was some big shameful family secret.

Littlepoot, a big hello to you! Lovely to hear from you and get an update. Sounds like things are going well. Hope the swimming lessons are going well if you've started (we just started Saturday)

Good luck for the ladies with scans coming up (Grandj, Cherry & Natz, right?). Even if I don't get time to post, I will definitely be checking in and cheering your good news

Have we heard from Viv lately? She would have to be very close now surely?
And, yes, a wave to Katerina if you're around. Also noticed Lins and Shangrila posted on 'threadgate' so waves to you both if you happen to lurk at all

I start my day care thing this coming Monday, so I am madly trying to get things organised. We had so much rain last week that the landscaping came to a halt, and the back yard is pretty much a mud pit. Included in the children I am looking after is a 6 month old from Monday to Wednesday, and another 6 month old for Thursday and Friday. Not sure what Bella will think of that, though I know she is going to love having the older ones around.

Well, I know I said this will be long, but it's bordering on the ridiculous now. Hello to anyone I haven't mentioned, have a lovely day everyone & love to you all xxx

PS Manitz it looks like a case of no news is good news :)

PPS: The wedding was lovely - loved that she did her own make-up (so I believe?)

OMG, I am so glad I preview my posts - I accidently pasted a list of all (100 plus) Tour de France winners along with nationality instead (had been simultaneously helping DD with homework). Can only imagine what you would have made of that!

Hello all, once again I'm not in a very good position to do personals. I feel so bad. I promise I will try to do better. The fact is that I am now taking steroids and they are really making my head swim so I can't concentrate on anything for more than about 10 minutes and am feeling rather ropey. I have been trying to keep up to date with where you are all at and always thinking of you and pleased to hear all the lovely positive news from recent scans and tests.

Just to keep you all updated, I am coming to the end of my 2ww. Steroids are making me feel so many similar things to pregnancy - shakey, spaced out, edgy, hungry, thirsty, weeing, hearburn - that I couldn't even begin to tell if there was any symptom spotting to be had! So, we will just have to wait and see. I think I'm due on on Thursday or thereabouts. I am half hoping for a BFN to come off these bloody pills but that's kind of futile as I'd still have to start again with them 2 weeks later. So really, best case scenario, BFP with another 12 weeks on Steroids, drama free pregnancy (wouldn't that be something?) and somehow enjoy the last 2 trimesters without feeling like hell.

Cantdo - my thoughts on "the" wedding make up... well, as Mishta says, she did her own. I could tell! Not that it looked bad, but that it didn't look that "special". I didn't like the fact she did her own make up, I have to say. From my point of view, I fear she may start a "well, if it's good enough for Kate..." trend and Make up Artists will loose a lot of potential work because of that. I also think her sentiment of wanting to do her own make up so that William would recognise her is unfounded. A good make up artist will remain true to the person's style and personality when doing her wedding make up, making it last longer and look that much more of a polished version of themselves.

PMSL at Mishta's nearly posting an entire list of Tour De France winners. Now, that really would've confused my drug addled brain!

Lots of lovely long posts to catch up on!

Natz, I haven't seen that documentary but I wish I had now. I'd never heard of such a severe case of turners, just people saying that there are a few growth/fertility problems, so in a way it's good to know for definite that there is a spectrum as there always seems to be with these things.

Manitz, I remember the horrible wait for the blood results. Have you tried ringing the screening co-ordinator? I bet the difference between the good and bad result timeframes is that they ring with the bad ones and post the good ones, hence the delay. So they might have them earlier than they say...

Cherry, fingers crossed for nuchal next week and Natz for your anomaly scan.

Kittens, so sorry to hear that the steroids make you feel so awful. I really hope you get the news you want on Thursday.

I'm dreading Thursday's scan, which is at 3pm so I have most of the day to wait around. Am really hoping the hole they saw in the heart last time will have closed up by itself like the consultant said she thought it would. I know if it hasn't then we will be advised to have an amnio because of the links with chromosome problems that sometimes come with hole in hearts. Don't think I can face it again - but trying to think positively and remember that all the measurements were spot on at the last scan, apart from that. Hopefully going to work will make the time go faster.

hi there another quick one from me. I'm not worried about the results as it's been longer than 4-5 days so i feel what will be will be. Also got a call today saying i get a detailed scan on 13 may. so I should get some idea of any potential problems way before my anomaly scan. Cant were you asking my due date? it's 29 october so good guess. I'll have a cs a week earlier so I guess 22 oct.

Cherry, I felt/feel exactly the same, very unsure if I wanted to be pregnant both this time and with my pregnancy with ds who was conceived 6 months after my first termination. He was also 4 weeks early so when he was born he was a massive shock as i just wasn't expecting to have a living baby to take home. I tried my best not to bond and I don't really think I did much (with my ds pg - terminated last oct, I just wasn't as upset and I'm sure it's cos I don't bond in pg anymore). However I really really bonded as soon as ds was born if that is any reassurance.

I did then have a small amount of baby blues and I was reading on the other thread that a study of women having babies after a termination are more prone to pnd. Mine manifested itself in lots of health anxieties for me and for the kids as I explained earlier - was also in a&e on a fairly regular basis: had a heart check, seeing a psychiatrist, dvt (I always think I have one of them), sudden postnatal bleed, lump on neck, baby head shape (I think that was all in the first two months). My heart was fine and the pain went when I did a burp half way through the ecg, the psychiatrist gave me a certificate of sane (just like homer), no dvt, bleed was normal, lump was a benign thyroid nodule now removed, and the baby's head was just the skull needing to align postnatally. I even found it quite amusing at the time but I also knew that it could be the worst news possible so I had to get things checked out. Anyway I'm only mentioning this because pnd can be affected by your expectations, I had never had it before and it was quite a shock to me. In previous pg I had expected to have it and then did not, because of my previous termination, I expected to be elated after ds was born and it wasn't as I had expected.

Sorry it's a long one, Kitten hope you have a sticky one too. xx

Oh gosh so much to catch up on here! Too much news and upcoming scans to comment on all personally for fear i gorget someone, so i will just say a big conratulations and good luck to one and all! And a big welcome to Mrs. Bigz, i followed your story and just wanted to say how sorry i am but how welcome you are. There are many stories of hope on here - me being one of them conceiving my now 8 month old DS 3 months after my termination. Good luck TTC when the time is right.

Mishtabel, your daughters message was beautiful, what amazing things come out of the mouths of babes. I hope Sheridans anniversary passed ok - what a milestone to mark. You are so brave, when you speak of Sheridan i always wonder how you got through and carried on at all, but you did and have three amazing daughters to be so proud of. Can't is right you are just like a good fairy here!

Can't happy birthday to babycan't - how time flies! I hope you all had a lovely day and i loved the image of her lifting her head and puking on you in the middle of the night (he he sorry!)

Kittens i am wishing you all the luck in the world this month! so sorry you are feeling crappy on the steroids though. Much love.

Big wave to Poot, will drop you a seperate line but so glad to hear everything has got a bit easier and Jacob is a real cutie! I took Felix to the baby cinema quite a bit and loved it (far too wriggly now though) and am also doing little dippers with him which he adores. He grins and laughs like a little maniac through the whole lesson.

All good here. Felix has learnt to climb and walk with a walker now but his balance is not great so there are lots of bops to the head and tears. Oh and i think i have found a job! Just waiting for the final offer to come through but it's 3 days a week in a great little marketing agency. Now need to start investigating nurseries eek.

Much love to all xxx

quick post from me as meant to be packing for holiday in the Far Far North of scotland...wellies, waterproofs, extra duvets, shorts, flipflops...aaaarrrgh.
Not been around much in the last week as have had ill children and away a bit on a course for the volunteering work i do.
Sorry for lack of personals, thinking of everyone tho.
Grandj - Will be thinking of you Thu. Long day to wait, is there any way they can get you in earlier? I rang up my hospital on the off chance, and got my anomaly scan moved from late afternoon to an 8.30 am appointment...(and tried not to think too much about how the vacant appointment had come about).
will catch up with everyone's news in a week. Hoping for a BFP for you kitten, and for the steroids to stop making you feel so rubbish.
big cuddles to all the babies (getting extra sentimental as time goes on), and positive vibes to all the growing bumps and everyone ttc.

x

Just back from an awful encounter with the NHS and feeling pretty rubbish. Apologies in advance - this might be a long one.

Had appointment for nuchal scan this morning. Got there and went in, it was the sonographer we had the last time for the first dating scan with Leila. To be brief she was awful the last time, didnt know what she was doing really and another sonographer ended up having to take over. We got told that she was still training.

So, great start to see her NOT! She's a nice enough person but a bit dozy which I know sounds a bit nasty but it's the most accurate word I can find to describe her. Anyway we go in, I get a bit emotional, she knows nothing about our history which we then have to briefly explain (didnt go into many details). She says she's sorry then asks for my blue notes. I dont have blue notes as we were referred into the department by the geneticist and given an 8 week scan by the consultant. She then says that if I dont have blue notes she wont be able to do the nuchal scan. I tell her we had an 8 wk dating scan by the consultant who made this appointment for us to have the nuchal scan and combined blood test. She just repeats she cant do the nuchal scan without blue notes. I explain again I dont have them, have never been given any and if they exist they must be somewhere in the department with the consultant. She just repeats again she cant do the scan without the blue notes. I'm getting upset again, DP is getting really angry. Then her (clearly more experienced) colleague comes in and says because the consultant referred us they will do the combined screening today but usually they need blue notes and really we should have had an appointment with our community midwife to get these Effing blue notes. Likes it's our fault noone has told us this!

So (deep breath) the rubbish sonographer starts doing the scan. Baby in wrong position, she tries and tries, the other one is watching looking concerned, I start panicking thinking something is wrong trying to read her expression. The other sonographer says the baby is just in an awkward position, nothing to worry about. They keep watching then eventually the experienced sonographer takes over to try herself. She's much more forceful with the scanner and gets me to move position etc. Tries for a while then says that she knows from experience that there is no point trying to get a measurement because the baby is in the wrong position and we'll have to come back. Nothing to worry about necessarily, just unfortunate. So after all that stress she taks us out to make another appointment. She asks for one for Friday (saying to the receptionist Friday is much preferred) but there arent any at all and the first one is Monday. She then says Monday will still be ok. I'll be 14 weeks on Monday and she said they can do it up to 14+1. I said I'd been told it had to be done by 13+6 but she said no, their policy is 14+1 which she said is fine (even though she'd been trying really hard to get a Friday appointment so clearly the earlier the better). I asked her what would happen if the baby was in an awkward position again and she said 'dont worry we'll get it on Monday'. Really? well why couldnt you get it today then? I think if she'd done the whole thing perhaps she would have managed to get the baby to move but because they wasted so much time with the rubbish sonographer trying to do it they just ran out of time.

Horrible experience and now have to wait till Monday (which will surely be less accurate?). DP was really furious that they knew nothing about our history, seemed annoyed with us for not having sodding blue notes and gave us what must surely be the most rubbish inexperienced sonographer in the whole place to do the scan, who we know for a fact only 6 months ago was still training.

Arggghhhh, sorry about the ranting but as if it wasnt stressful and difficult enough. I feel so p'd off. It's typical NHS, all down to the person as to how good an experience you have. We stupidly had hopes that we'd get well looked after this time round. We now have to wait till Monday which seems ages away and I'm still not convinced that they'll even get an accurate measurement at 14 wks.

I asked the decent sonographer if there was anything obviously wrong from what she saw and she said she'd seen nothing she felt concerned about. So I suppose that's something though the baby wasnt moving much and they've put me back 2 days from the 8 week dating scan though this is still 2 days ahead from my LMP date so hopefully nothing to worry about. I do feel even more anxious now though.

Anyway sorry for lack of personals. Head is spinning. Just quickly want to say Grandji- best of luck for tommorrow, hope the hole in the heart has closed up and you come out feeling happy and reassured. Hi to everyone else x

Hello ladies - i'm a lurker from the other thread (

Oh Cherry how awful for you, you poor thing. You build yourself up so much for a scan so it must be terrible to come out still not knowing. Really hoping you get a decent sonographer on Monday - Good luck x

Misty so sorry for you loss, you are very welcome here. Good luck with the not TTCing this month

Thanks Misty and Katie. Urgh I just feel really depressed and worn out now. Hoping Monday will be a completely different experience and will restore my faith somewhat but its a forced optimism rather than a real hope.

Misty, I hope to see you over here very soon. Plus all the other ladies all peeing incessantly on sticks on the other thread!

Popping by to say Hi to everyone and especially to Cant and Mishta - thanks for asking after me! My little boy is not so little at all now and is very nearly one. He's absolutely amazing. The first few months with him were very special, but the stage he's now at is just so wonderful.
It's also almost time to start trying for another baby, which is a pretty scary thought, so I might be back more in evidence in the coming months! After what happened before, I kind of feel like I'm on a mission to complete our family asap as I know the risks will only keep increasing... It'll be 2 years on Friday that our first pregnancy ended, so have that on my mind at the moment.
Cherrybug, we haven't "met" but am so sorry to hear about the rubbish sonographer. People just don't understand the utter panic that scans bring once you've had problems before. Hospital staff should have to have some kind of training in dealing with people like us - you'd have thought that those going into the "caring professions" would automatically have empathy, but it's not always the case... I really hope they are better on Monday.
K x

hi cherrybug. i am sorry to hear about your experience with the sonographer. I have noticed that even when they have the notes they don't even read them but usually once you tell them what has happened they perk up. I really hope monday goes well for you and you get a proper nuchal scan then. x

Cherry - just had to say I'm so sorry about that rubbish scan. All that building up the nerve to go and then to have that experience.

HOWEVER. Even if the baby was in the wrong position I'm sure they would have been able to see a huge nuchal measurement (at least they could with my first lost baby, who had one of 8mm but was no way in a good position). So hopefully, as everything looks normal, it's just a matter of being able to measure small fractions of millimetres on a small nuchal accurately. And please don't worry about baby not moving loads. Sometimes they are just not feeling jumpy! And you hear so many stories about babies moving like mad and still having a problem that I don't think it's a reliable indicator anyway.

Anyway, I know the next few days will be hard to get through. Hopefully you can try and focus on the fact that they saw no signs of anything being wrong and it was just bad luck about the baby's position. I know how hard that is to do.

Thanks for your good wishes for today. Feel quite sick but on the other hand there is nothing I can do to change anything so am trying not to think about it. As if!

grandj. good luck with todays scan.x

Cherry, so sorry to hear how stressful and unreassuring your scan was. I know that NHS staff must be very busy but surely they can take a minute to read your history and treat you accordingly, with some sort of care or gentleness. Not to mention making sure they arrange Nuchal scans for those with previous problems in plenty of time. I hope you get through the next few days without climbing the walls and get some reassurance on Monday.

GrandJ, good luck. And to Natz too.

Lovely to hear from Katie. Felix sounds very cute. Have you had a chance to take him on to the beach in this lovely weather?

Mishta, sorry I didn't acknowledge your post about Sheridan's anniversary. How poignant it must've been reading your daughter's message after all the years. I can imagine you would have to be a very unusual person indeed not to feel fearful after your loss. Sadly, each bad experience we have chips away at our ability to be blase and just assume all will be well. How I envy those lucky people who've never had to think about the possibility of any of our experiences.

Reading what you said about not knowing whether the date of your termination was 2 or 3 May. Well, I guess it's been on your mind this week and brings some sort of reflection. It's good that you have reached a peace with it now and like you say, acknowledge it without getting yourself tied up in knots about it anymore. I am so scatty with dates that I have actually now completely forgotten dates of most of my losses and due dates, and for that I am actually glad. Given my track record so far, I would pretty much be having something sad to think about every month of the year. I spend more time on the recurrent miscarriage thread than I do here at the moment as I feel, since the events of last year that I am only really dealing with the idea of pregnancy in the very short term so far, so even the idea of the petrifying Nuchal/CVS is a stepping stone that is so far out of my sight that it's a bridge I feel, just at the moment, that I may never even get to cross again anyway. I do like to lurk and see how all you ladies are getting on and keep you posted with where I am, especially the ones I have shared the last year with.

Because I am not here as often I do find it hard to keep up with the threads and so find myself feeling terrible for just coming in and not being able to properly take in what's been going on with everyone, including those I'm not so familiar with. My head has been a little all over the place and there have been a lot of other things going on in my personal life that have made it hard for me to properly catch up. Please do know that I do lurk and I am often thinking of you all.

So, the latest with me is that my period showed up this morning. On the plus side, it means I don't have to take my last steroid this month. Boy, am I pleased to have a break from them! I have been rather unlucky with side effects and can only hope my body gets used to the medication in time. The midwife told me that for the next cycle (and and future cycles I have to go through before getting pregnant) I should do a First Response test 10dpo and that if it comes up negative I can stop taking the pills a bit earlier.

I was thinking about something, especially having read Cherry's post just now. Mumsnet are running a campaign to get some changes in care for sufferers of miscarriage. Have a look here www.mumsnet.com/info/miscarriage-code-of-practice - a lot of these points are also very relevant to our situations too. When there was a discussion about it on the boards I posted to that effect but I don't think my comments were acknowledged. After "threadgate" too, it does make me feel a bit like we are afforded less understanding and sympathy because ultimately it's been our own decision and people still judge us for that. Maybe when my head has settled down from these pills and I can think more rationally I will write a letter to Mumsnet and let them know my thoughts but if any of you feel the same it might help to have a stronger voice if they hear from several people. We need a similar level of care, continuity of care, communication techniques, readily available access to support/counselling/information etc. I have actually been really lucky in most of these aspects. Possibly because of having it happen twice, but also because I have a lovely midwife who I can self refer to, so that now I am always under the care of the FMU from the offset and early Nuchals/CVS etc are made available to me but I have read quite a few upsetting experiences from others so it doesn't seem to be standard treatment. Anyway, I just thought I'd bring it up.