Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 3

[LittlePoot]

So, New Year, New Thread. And the next set of New Babies are arriving! I hope they prove that there can be light at the end of the very dark tunnel we have all had to come through and I hope there are many more babies to come. In the meantime, we're here, as ever, with supportive words, virtual hands to hold and multiple fingers to cross to help everyone through these nerve wracking waits and scans. A more lovely group of ladies you could not wish to find. xxx

Hi
Bluecat sorry you are having to join us. I asked a similar question a while back and it seems there are no hard and fast rules. I got my period about 6 weeks after my termination, the second period was about 5 weeks after that and then back to my regular cycle. The people at the same stage as me seemed to have similar experiences. you could start as soon as possible if you liked.

Mimsy, I'm sorry things haven't been so good for you recently. i hope the counselling works for your family and that things are easier soon. xx

Manitz

Just a quick post, Bluecat, sorry for the loss of Harry.

As Manitz said, there are no rules about how long you should/shouldn't wait. My period came about 5 weeks after the termination but was very irregular and had bleeding inbetween periods. I was going to the doctor to sort it out when we got a possitive result and have had no bleeding since.

My GP said there was no reason to wait to TTC after we said goodbye to Cara, she just advised that we should wait until we were emotionally ready to. She told me that physically we could try as soon as we wanted. I wanted to give my body a little time to heal - although I probably didn't need to, so we waited until my second period before we began TTC again.

If you can get an appointment with your GP to discuss your decision I would advice it, not for any reason other than my GP was extrememly supportive and made a lot of time to check I was ok and to give me advice should I need it. It helps to have that kind of support. Also being 17 weeks along I am assuming you had an induced labour? I wanted to check with my GP that I was physically ok after a surgical termination, I was 2 days off 15 weeks. Was worried about any possible damage to the cervix, but she said everyhing would be ok to TTC. There really is no reason to consult with your GP, I just felt reassured to know the GP was supporting our decision to try soon after.

Best of luck to you. And a big wave hello to everyone else, sorry for lack of personals, just off to cuddle DD1 who is having trouble sleeping - still xx

Hello

Just wanted to congratulate Rachel on her new arrival. Lovely name (it's my OH's name!).

Mimsy, Sorry to hear things are rough for you. I hope you manage to sort things out for the best. I've been wondering where and how you are. Still thinking of you. x

Catlady, I'm furiously rustling my pom poms for you. Looking forward to hearing some good news from you soon!

BlueCat - sorry to hear of your loss. I was told to wait 3 months after both of my terminations but I think that was more to do with emotional reasons than anything else. Also, I wanted to wait until I'd seen the genetics counsellor but that was also because I was unlucky twice in a row. On average it's taken 6 weeks for my period to return. I had a miscarriage at the end of the year though and it took nearly 9 weeks for my period to come so, as others have said, it's not and exact science.

I have my appointment next week. I must admit I am very nervous at the prospect of trying again but can hear the clock ticking very loudly at my ripe old age! I've been on the recurrent miscarriage testing thread but it's strange. I feel a bit like I don't know where to go at the moment. On that thread I feel like people may judge me or feel weird about my decision to terminate for 2 Downs Syndrome pregnancies, even though I relate to them after so many miscarriages. My concern is that for some who have only struggled to get pregnant for years or just had multiple miscarriages I fear that some will have the attitude of "you should be grateful to have a baby, whatever the circumstances" - as we all know so painfully well, nobody can make a judgement like that unless you have been in our position. Then on the other hand, seeing as I have now had more miscarriages than trisomy pregnancies the focus on my care has shifted somewhat so now I am doubly petrified that even if I manage to make it to 12 weeks without miscarrying, it could still all go horribly wrong again. I can't tell you how much of a temptation it is to just throw in the towel now!

Thanks all for the messages, means so very much to me to hear from you lovely ladies who have shared so much support over the last 9 months. I remember vividly the first time I came upon this thread and it was weird because I had never talked about what happened to my second baby with really anyone other than doctors and DH. And then all of a sudden I read story after story of people whose stories were my story, whose raw emotions: fear and pain, were my fears and my pains. I can honestly say it got me through those first days to the 12 week scan posting here every now and again, so a heartfelt thank you to all.

Numpty, Can't, I am glad you think all will settle down with DS. He is still a poor little thing struggling to cope with it all. I am really trying to be patient with him. DH is on paternity leave at the moment, and that is ok because it means we can get out and about, but I really still don't know how we will get out because DS won't walk up the road without serious fandango. It will all become clear.

Mimsy, sorry to hear you're having a hard time, that's rough and I hope everything will sort itself out in time.

Kittens you always seem such a strong, rational person. I don't think anyone could be judgmental to you. I am sure all decisions you have made in the past nd all you will make in the future ahave been made for the best in awful circumstances and its nobody's business but yours.

And finally Catlady, any news? You are a saint still being patient waiting for babyCat!! I am anxious for news.

Going to go and stare in awe at ZenBaby Oliver. He remains calm and zen. He has slept angelically all afternoon even though D1S has a cold, is in foul temper and managed to fall out of bed earlier when taking a nap even though he never has before and nearly raised the roof screaming. Poor guy. I am totally, utterly in love with the ZenBaby. I even like feeding him at 3 in the morning because I can have him all to myself and marvel at his tiny perfect Zenness without feeling guilty that DS1 will see me cooing over him and get even more jealous. I adore DS1, he is funny and smart and has his dad's blue eyes. But he has never, ever, for one minute, been Zen, and that makes ZenBaby something of a miracle in my eyes!

hi all
Rachel that's a really nice post. I loved being up with DS in the night for similar reasons and enjoyed every night feed. Think it might have been because finally I had a baby who got it instead of fretting and not putting on weight.

how old is ds1? double buggy? might get better when paternity leave ends then he can be your companion while the baby is not. Hope so.

Kitten, i sometimes worry about coming on this board because I have children and am being greedy wanting more. I expect some people judge us for the decision we have made but as many will not and will only feel empathy.

Bluecat, I said to my gp that i might wait, lose some weight and get fit and she said I ought to get cracking as i'm not gettng any younger and sort all that stuff out later, I was quite surprised.

by 'it' I mean breast feeding

manitz thankyou for your reply I wasn't told any info on this I guess they maybe felt like it wasn't really the right time to talk about tryinging again although all the midwives when we left said they hoped to see us again under better circumstances! Also very sorry for your loss too it really is a cruel world xx

NatzCNL Thank-you for taking time to write a reply. I saw my doctor almost straight after my termination as I had to get a sick note and he mentioned straight away about trying again and that there was no reason why I couldn't have a healthy baby next time as Harry's problems were very rare and there appears to be no reasoning behind it, they have no idea what causes it.Yeah had an induced labour and again haven't really been told what to expect. I'm really sorry for your loss of Cara it really isn't fair is it xx

HavingKittens I am so sorry for your losses and you have had to make such a heartbreaking decision twice that must be very difficult for you and I can understand your fears for trying again especially after miscarriages. There is only one support group for babies with Harry's condition and I would like to get involved with fund raising etc but I feel they would judge me as these ladies carried their babies to term and while many of these babies are now healthy many have also died. My baby had a very severe form of this and we were told then chance of him living was so low and the fact he wouldn't be able to breathe meant i know he would suffer greatly. I know for me and my baby I made the right choice but I fear that the people in this charity would think that I should have given my baby a chance even if he did die after birth (90% chance he would)so I can in a way understand the feeling of being judged for your decisions. My specialist got very angry when I asked if the midwives would judge my decision, she said that no-one unless they are in your shoes can judge you for this and she is right.xx

Oh Rachel congratulations!!! have not been on for a while and missed your wonderful news. LOVE the name Oliver - am laughing at his Zeness, lucky you :)

Welcome Bluecat, I'm so sorry for the loss of little Harry - you have found a great home here. From my experince my period arrived 7 weeks later and i was told i could TTC right away if i wanted, no need to even wait for first AF. Good luck x

Kittens, it's always difficult to not feel judged as the sad fact is that people do judge unfairly. It's so easy to take the moral highground but the reality is that over 90% of people in your position would have terminated - so all those mouthy judgy people are either liars or in the minority. Good luck for your appointment next week, don't lose hope i know it will happen for you x

Manitz/Natz hope you are both feeling ok, good luck for your upcoming scans/appointments.

Very glad to hear poor Josie is feeling better Numpty!

Very excited to hear your news Catlady - am thinking of you!! xxx

Love to everyone else and sorry if i have missed anything/anyone x

Hi everyone,
Welcome to Bluecat so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Harry but you have found a very good place to let it out here a lovlier bunch you will not find! i too lost my little boy Liam at 17 wks and i think it took me about 6 weeks to have a period then i slotted back into a regular pattern of a 30 day cycle and conceived on the second cycle i was told once your body regulates itself it's safe to go ahead when you feel ready, i hope you find the thread a healing place x.
Rachel i can't remember if i congratulated you or not?! but if not CONGRATS!!! Oliver is a beautiful name one of my faves! so pleased he's being such a good boy for you too i hope mini-drama follows his shining example when she finally decides to put in an appearance!
Today is my due date but alas not a sniff of baby to be had, saw my mw yesterday and mini-drama is 4/5ths engaged so shes getting there....just at her own pace mw also said she feels like a biggun then upon seeing my horrified expression quickly added "...oh but don't worry DS was 8ib 50z and DDs are normally smaller"
Catlady i hope catbaby has arrived now but if not all the pom pom shaking is keeping the fluid retention at bay so i shall continue until told otherwise
love to all! DM XxXxXxX

Hello lovely ladies!

We have news. Baby Lawrence Frederick was born on Tuesday 8th March at 4.52pm, 7lb 6oz. Went in for induction on Monday. They just did one gel, then broke my waters 12hrs later, had established labour of 4hrs and it all got quite intense at the end as I dilated very quickly. Managed on gas and air and hypnobirthing breathing. Not sure how... I BEGGED for an epidural during transition but didn't get one as it was too late, he was about to be born. V pleased to have felt and experienced the whole thing this time - I was 100% numb for DD's birth.

We came home yesterday. Lawrence is quite settled but is struggling with the feeding as he has a tongue tie which needs snipping. So we're on the exhausting rounds of expressing at the moment to get milk into him.

I haven't had a chance to read any of your news and will check in again properly soon. Just wanted to update. Thanks for all the pom pom shaking! Was just what I needed, lots of love xx

Hurray, congratulations Catlady, another thread boy! What a lovely name, and I'm happy to hear the labour was quick and different to your first one. Enjoy every cuddle, and I hope big sis is not too jealous.

I've read your posts, sorry but no personals this time as I'm horribly sleep deprived and can barely think straight. Victor is feeding very well and gaining lots of weight, but is awake every hour - hour and a half every night, feeds a little then goes back to sleep, and then wakes up again... During the day he feeds much better so sleeps better... I'm hoping it's just a phase and I'll learn to cope on barely any sleep.

CONGRATULATIONS CATLADY! Another thread boy - we are a blue-dominated lot, aren't we! I'd quite like to make a list of all our thread-babies, because it feels so positive after what we all went through to have them, but don't have the energy to trawl. Anyway I love the name Lawrence. How is big sis enjoying having a baby brother?

Bluecat, welcome and I am sorry for the loss of baby Harry. I have had 2 terminations, both for (different) fatal abnormalities, and also have 2 healthy DDs (the first born before the terminations, and the second after). I was told you can try again as soon as you feel ready but chose to wait until had had first AF - which was very heavy - in case all wasn't normal.

Rachel, Catlady, the whole sibling rivalry thing gets way, way easier very quickly. Big brother/sister realizes that baby is there to stay AND is very boring (just eats/sleeps/yells) and becomes all protective. I bought DD1 her own new doll when Babycant was born, plus a doll's carseat, so she could transport her doll around when I was putting the baby in her carseat, etc, and it seemed to work.

Kittens, I get all defensive about my choices to terminate (even though my babies wouldn't have lived) and so I understand how you feel. On Mumsnet also there seems to be an exceptionally high number of people very opposed to termination. As Katie said IRL most people do terminate for T21. And nobody can say what they would do till they find themselves walking in your shoes. Oh I do do hope your appointment brings a shiny new BFP and a successful pregnancy.

Coffee, no advice on the sleep as have never cracked it, but good luck and I recommend having DH sit up with baby for a while (as sometimes they don't want milk, just snuggles) so you get some unbroken sleep.

Got to run but hi everyone else!

Well done Catlady! So pleased you got a birth you want to remember; and welcome Lawrence Frederick to the world . Like the name, something of a family name for us. Sorry to hear he has tongue tie but at least its been identified early on and it's apparently easy to treat so hopefully all will improve a.s.a.p. I hope your DD is reconciled to not having a sister or kitten...

Rachel, I'm glad you found the support you needed here. I remember how important I found it to have others who knew what it was to dread rather than look forward to a scan, and have that virtual hand-holding. And who understand the driving desire to be pregnant and yet feeling guilty at the same time; and not being able to believe you'll have a baby when most other pregnant women are just planning what to buy. On a practical front re having 2, we used combination of sling and pram or pram and buggy board (which has been invaluable), though it being winter that may be less practical. We just muddled through the early days, not helped by DSs biting issue which got much worse just after Josie was born, such that we couldn't got to play parks or soft play. However we worked through that and everything felt very settled and happy after a shortish while. Now a bit of chaos again with potty training but that is another story... Love the way you talk about Zenbaby, I feel just that way with Josie. I love DS but he's always been full-on and she is much more laid back and laughing, and I get to spend so little time just with her.

BlueCat - I'm sorry to hear about your loss of Harry, it must still be very very raw. I tried again straight away after my bleeding had stopped (6wks?) as time was not on my side. I think it just depends on how you feel and if you feel ready for it.

Coffee - Victor may be having a growth spurt, just try try try to sleep when he does, esp if he sleeps better during the day. Easier said than done though, I can never sleep in the morning when Josie naps even though until recently that has been her best sleeping time... It will change, and change again. Just get through as best you can and keep up the coffee and cake/chocolate, they help! Would echo Cant's advice, try waiting a moment before reaching to feed Victor as he may re-settle and go back to sleep; or send your OH to shush him as he'll smell the milk from you and want that instead. I got the No-Cry Sleep Solution book when we had DS and it was quite useful. Not that we've got sleep sorted here yet! But I am fairly confident that it WILL improve as DS sleeps well now, having started off not so well.

Cant, hope your tribe are all OK and that you are getting by even with no sleep...

Mimsy, am sorry to hear that things have been rough with you; I really hope things improve/are improving. It would be lovely to see you if you want to meet up, the boys could compare scars...

Kittens, I'll be thinking of you next week and wishing you strength and hope for the next stage. As others have said, those who judge have never had to walk in the shoes of those they judge.

And DRAMA - woo hoo, shaking the pom poms here!

Hope I've not missed anyone else, mammoth post and I'd better get to bed otherwise I will be a crabbit/crap mum again tomorrow .

Congratulations Catlady (and about time too)!! So glad everything went well. Good luck with the expressing, it is exhausting work - do you know how long it will be for? Worth hiring a hospital-grade pump? Love to you all xx

Sorry to post and run, have used up today's allocated mumsnet time in the allergy board. Hello and love to everyone xx

Well done catlady!!! hooray! makes all the waiting worth it in the end doesn't it? my brother had a tongue tie and you would never know it now! he had it cut when he was a baby and it didn't affect him at all if thats any help? give baby Lawrence a little squeeze for me
Numpty the pom pom shaking is much appreciated hopefully it will spur mini-drama to get a wriggle on! she seems to like it in there a little too much! i've been getting tightenings and the odd back pain so think i might be in very early stages of labour just waiting to see what occurs now bring it on i can't wait to meet my daughter and add a splash of pink to the thread! lol xx

Congratulations Catlady!!!! Wonderful news. Sorry for mega short post, youngest DD has obsession with the toilet at the moment, so cant leave her unsupervised for too long....!

Big hello to everyone else. Coffee, hope you manage to get some sleep soon, first few weeks are the hardest xx

Hi everyone, and thanks Cantdo and Numpty for the advice re: sleep at night. Unfortunately I doubt my little Coffeebean would resettle, as he wakes up screaming with hunger (I know that scream by now...) and even if my DH cuddles him, he reaches for the breast and gets really annoyed when he can't find any milk He's really cute, no matter how tired we always have a laugh. He just is a very hungry baby.

BlueCat, I haven't acknowledged your post yet, sorry but yesterday I was just in a sleep-deprived haze. I am very sorry to hear about your loss of Harry. I lost my first baby, a little girl, last February at 22 weeks. They found severe brain damage at the anomaly scan and we decided to terminate. I waited for 3 months before trying again, partly because it took some time for my period to go back to normal and I bled for ages, and partly because we had a post-mortem done and it took a few months for the results to come through (no genetic cause found). However, there is no right or wrong, and a lot depends on your personal circumstances as well. We had the luxury of time on our side, so could afford to wait for a bit. Anyway, the urge to be pregnant again is self-consuming and for us it was the only way we could start to accept the terrible choice we were faced with.

In the end, I was happy we waited, even if getting pregnant was all I could think about. It took us a lot of time to arrange the funeral and it felt right for us to TTC after we put Silvia to rest and had the post mortem results. But again, these were our personal circumstances.

I got pregnant again in June last year, and now have a gorgeous 2-week old baby boy. The pain of losing Silvia is still there and will always be, but having my little one now has changed things.

Mimsy, sorry to hear about the problems with your DH. I hope counselling will help and you will somehow get through it. Let us know how you are when you feel like posting. Sending you a hug (I know they are a bit frowned upon on MN, but I don't care...)

Kittens, fingers crossed for your appointment next week, I hope you will get some answers and it will be a new start for you and your OH. As for judging, it's easy to do when the choice we made is just theory... don't worry about it though, you are the one who knows best what you were faced with and the reasons for your choice.

Drama, it all sounds promising, I hope you're in established labour by now. Pom-poms shaking like mad here.

Poot and Gina, if you're reading, I hope you and your LOs are well.

Coffee Coffeebean sounds a lot like DS when he was a wee one he used to snuffle around for booby no luck on established labour yet but mw said sounds promising that my bodys gearing up and it could all kick off at any time she's going to pop round tomorrow and give me a sweep to see if we can get things moving a bit quicker, i'm lucky i have such a sympathetic mw! i shall keep you all up-dated! x

YaY for Catlady - wonderful news and wonderful name! So happy for you and you must be so proud of yourself for getting through it without the epidural :)

So Drama your turn now! Hope the sweep gets things moving x

Coffee glad to hear your cutie pie is making you laugh despite the frequent waking, he will go longer between feeds soon i'm sure!

Popping in to shake pom poms for Drama .

Thanks for all the lovely wishes. Lawrence is a sweetie. Very settled at the moment. Still can't latch so expressing like mad... hoping to get referral to Mr Patel at Kings to get it snipped on Tuesday and am hanging on for that. Otherwise we'll switch to formula as he seems to do ok with a bottle, slow but manageable. If he was my first I might continue exclusively expressing, but with DD to consider it's not really practical. So we'll see. Hopefully the snip on Tues will sort it and we can get on with BF.

Coffee - DD used to do that. So exhausting... I don't know if you've tried it already but what I found really helped was to change her (or just go through the motions of doing so if the nappy was clean) mid feed, swap sides, and then she'd start feeding again. Then repeat until she'd taken a full feed. The movement was enough to rouse her enough to continue feeding. She would settle back and stay asleep much easier after that. She also used to get bored and fall asleep if my milk flow slowed down. A bit of breast compression (just pushing my boob from the side with the heel of my hand) got the milk flowing faster again which often roused her to continue the feed. Keep going, day by day it'll get better xx

Just away at the moment so posting from my phone quickly to congratulate Catlady on Lawrence's arrival and eagerly awaiting news from Drama.

Love to all xx

Congratulations Catlady and glad to hear the birth went well. Hope you get the tongue tie sorted out on Tuesday.

Hope all the other new arrivals are settling in well and mums are getting some sleep!

I don't want to write too much but suffice to say I got a positive test on Friday. I am very scared as even though we have been actively TTC since our baby was born last October we planned to take next month off and didn't particularly try in February. Only did the deed twice, wasn't monitoring cycle or anything and I honestly didnt expect at all that I would get pregnant. We have a holiday booked for first two weeks in June, hence why we weren't going to try next month as had I conceived then we'd have been away when the nuchal scan was due.

I'm terrifed about getting bad news again. The nuchal will be about 4 weeks before we go. I am really worried about having to cancel our holiday if things go badly. I know it sounds really superficial but after such a terrible year we have so been looking forward to 2 weeks relaxing in the sun as a family. We can't change dates as it's all booked and paid for. I feel guilty that we should have been more careful this last month to avoid this but I also kind of feel it's happened when it should have so I'm glad.

It's taken me as a complete surprise. It's my due date tomorrow and I have been completely focused upon that and actually felt glad that I didnt have anything else to think about.

I'm really sorry if I sound negative and ungrateful. We are of course in truth, happy and grateful but it's so mixed up with shock and absolute fear that I just feel a bit strange and anxious.

Anyway sorry for the 'me' post. I know it's a bit mixed up and I'm just reeling a little bit.

I hope everyone with scans coming up are well and get good news. Also love to the all those TTC.

Cherry - congratulations. I completely understand your mixed feelings, but you do at least deserve some congrats too. It's such a scary time. Try not to worry about the holiday, and I agree with you about the "meant to be" thing. This was obviously just your month to get pregnant, however hard you were trying (or not!). Please try not to worry too much - my coping strategy has been not to think about it (yeah right) but lots of distractions do help a bit.

I haven't posted for a while and have just been on holiday so have missed loads. HUGE welcomes to the new babies, and hope all the mummies are coping with it all.

I had my nuchal scan today. One of the reasons for not posting much on this thread has been that I've pretty much been in denial, but anyway. Scan was ok in that nuchal fold was 2.2 which is in the normal zone for 12 wks 5 days. Not that reassuring in itself as James had a nuchal of 1.8 and still had Edwards. But on the other hand this baby was right on my dates (James measured v small) and seemed to be moving around lots etc. Now just the horrible wait for the blood results. Feel a bit more positive though so am trying to cling to that feeling.

Hope everyone else is ok. Lots of love x

Hi everyone and thank you soo much for all your replies. Dramamama Cantdothisagain NumptyMum It really means a lot to think you have all taken the time and effort to reply to my post. I have started my period today and feel exhausted and really crap, but pleased too!

Coffeeandchocolate so sorry to hear of your loss and also congratulations on the birth of your new baby! I too do or hope so at 27 have time on my side, however I'm not sure my little boy who is 8 would agree and he is is desperate for a sibling!!

Feeling quite bitter today and promised myself I wouldn't go down this route! Perhaps it has something to do with the time of the month! Have a friend's sister who was due 6 days after me and have been hearing all about her finding out the sex and baby shopping.Finding it hard to understand why this had to happen to any of us! Life doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes! xxxxx

Hello All,
It's lovely reading so many positive words - everything else I've read feels so miserable, it's quite buoying to hear less negative stories. I lost my little boy on December 23rd, at 21 weeks after a diagnosis which meant a short life, if any, filled with suffering. It was agony, but I feel weirdly in one way privileged that I could make sure he didn't suffer too much. He was completely beautiful, and I loved him the second he came out.
It has been pretty vile since then, very up and down, and we are stiiiiil waiting for the post mortem results - which are delayed as one sample didn't seem to produce a result (not clinically significant, apparently, but doesn't stop me being neurotic). Hopefully we'll hear later this week or next, and then get busy trying again...
I'll keep my eye on this thread!