Pregnant at 42, battling with having termination!

[crunchy3]

Quick background, am 42 and DH is 49, have 2 DS's - DS1 age 12 (conceived by 3xIVF) and DS2 age 6 (adopted as baby). Have had over 17 yrs unexplained fertility so both sons were 'very much wanted'. About a year ago, suddenly found out I was pregnant, completely gobsmacked however turned out be complete molar (quite rare) and so was over by 8 weeks. Docs were amazed, was tested for 6 months due to molar and then given all clear. Periods stopped, had more blood tests and was told was in perimenopause and that the pregnancy was probably my body's last burst of fertility. However found out over 2 weeks ago, 2 days before we were due to go abroad for a fortnight that I was pregnant again. Just couldn,t believe it, no way could it happen again, rushed up hospital for scan and was told everything normal, heartbeat seen and approx 7 weeks pregnant. In shock and denial, pleaded for a termination before my hols but obviously they couldn't do this at such short notice. Booked me in for counselling in 3 wks time because of hols and termination following week. Have just returned from hols and body has changed so much in the last couple of weeks. Have all the pregnancy symptoms and am just so gutted. Have spoke to DH and we both feel we are too old to contemplate going ahead. Am now getting a bit of independence as children are growing up. Have been doing school run for last 8 years and just cannot imagine starting all over again. DH admits he feels old being a dad to a 6 yr old as all his friends etc are now grandparents so cant imagine what he would be like with a new born. Also marriage isn't fantastic at the mo, hasn't been for sometime although not noticeable so much at home as both do our own things ,however did notice on hols how little we now have in common, prob only the children. On the plus side, cant help thinking that this could be a gift and was meant too find out a couple of days before hols so couldn't rush out and get termination. To fall pregnant naturally for me after this time is just un believeable. However there are so many things on the minus side, I suppose the main one being I just cant visualise me starting all over again now. Feel like DS2 would miss out as he is only 6 so still needs a lot of attention, and also think that I may resent having baby in years to come, when I am 50 I will have a 7 year old and by then all my friends children will have grown up and I think I would feel quite isolated and alone. I know it sounds selfish but I have got to think of the future as well. Keep debating whether to have CVS in case something is wrong so can warrant termination, but then if it comes back normal am still in the same situation, only further along which makes it even harder. Would welcome any advice/opinions, will not be offended in anyway as feel completely heartless. Just need to sort my head out as having been going round and round for nearly 3 weeks and seems to be getting worse!

Noel this was a thread Crunchy started when she was in a terrible dilemma and in an awful state and was trying to sort out her feelings. Surely she is allowed to express those feelings in her own thread?

The thread title itself makes it clear that age was the main issue, you didn't have to click on it.

Don't be silly, balloonslayer. It's like saying the pro-lifers who commented on this thread shouldn't have clicked on it because the thread title mentioned termination.

Ledkr - glad to hear your pg is going well

NoelEdmondsHair Crunchy did not make a dig a parents of older children, she was talking about what she thought might or might not work for her. And being an 'older' parent for the first time in your 40s is different to being a new parent in your 40s when you already have a 12 year old and a 6 year old.

Don't make this about you, or if you have to you could have done so in a more supportive way. How about telling the OP all of the positives of having an only child in your 40s rather than telling her it's pissed you off her "rabbitting on" when clearly the OP is going to a tough time.

I'm not making it about me, bumper, but it is is a discussion board. Plenty of people have given their experience about abortion or going ahead with pregnancy. I'm giving my opinion about the people on the thread (incl OP) who have spoken negatively about "older" parents.

I honestly think if you terminate you'll regret it, once a baby comes along I can't think that you will regret it. I agree and could see myslef doing the tests to find a ggod 'reason' to terminate.

Good luck.

"It's like saying the pro-lifers who commented on this thread shouldn't have clicked on it because the thread title mentioned termination."

Have any of the pro-lifers who commented on here said: "this thread has pissed me off. Crunchy and others rabbitting on about terminations when I am a pro-lifer. . . " ?

If they have then you may have a point, and I would respond to them the same way as I did to you.

But as far as I can see they have just given their opinions and most have stated where they stand on the issue so that Crunchy can ignore their posts should she want to.

And you can ignore mine.

Wishing you and your family all the very best for the future, Crunchy.

Crunchy, I Read your thread at the start but did not comment due to my emotional pregnant state. I'm so pleased for you and your DH and I wish you the best of luck with the future.

well done Crunchy, That must have taken a lot of courage but I know you wont regret it for a minute. Also i think that in 5 years time the school gates will be full of older mums, so it wont look so strange. I will be 39 on my due date, still feel 18!

Congrats! you've def made right decision (am pro-life and think you've been given a very special gift).

Was lurking and just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you have the support of your husband now through this. Well done for being strong for everyone in this situation x

All the best with your pregnancy! It will be a very special child and you'll all love him/her to bits! :)))

OMG I want to cry! I am so happy for you that your story had a happy ending!!! Yay!!! YOU DIDN'T ABORT YOUR MIRACLE BABY!!! I am so happy for that baby... never mind if the relationship with your husband does not work, trust me, there is always more than man out there willing to love you, with baby, with no baby, whatever... However, if you and your husband worked it out, great. If not, I am so happy you don't have to live with the regret of having killed your miracle baby!!!!!! I have been reading this whole saga like a soap opera and even though we are in March 2011, I read the whole thing and wonder, how isyour baby, how are things, please let us know...

Hi, I am 43 and expecting my 3rd child. It was planned but due to hormone-related issues and other issues took a while time to happen. I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. When this baby is 7 I will be 50. I don't think this will be a problem. My grandmother gave birth to my aunt at 50 and never had any problems with this, nor did my aunt who was very close to her. At that time it was unusual. Now most of the women I know are having babies in their mid to late 30's and early 40's. I have two neighbours who are the same age as me are expecting 3rd and 7th babies!
You obviously really wanted your sons very much, if you were a few years younger would it make any difference really? Your husband isn't pregnant so can't feel it yet. Often men don't seem to engage with the idea of a baby until it is really here.
Good luck

Crunchy, I just caught this post and felt I had to reply.
My DH was 46 (I'm quite a bit younger) when we had our last child, he was adamant we were going to terminate he couldn't face being a dad at that age, as it was a 'surprise' to both of us to fall pregant this time (had help with the others) and pregnancies were always plagued with severe illness and traumatic deliveries, it seemed the best solouton all round.
I'm catholic and a lot of the way I view myself was in how I see myself as a mother. It was not an easy decision.
On the drive to the clinic I exploded at DH and told him - no matter what I loved him, but after today I could not see myself being the same person ever again.
We drove home and had our baby.
My husband adores him, bonded very quickly with him.
The damage to our marrage took longer to heal, but things are great now, we make so much more of an effort to listen to each other.
I hope all goes well for your family.

monicaaimee all babies are miracles!
decisions have to be made in families taking everyone into consideration.

I just want to throw this into the ring, as I feel it is worth mentioning... Would you be willing to carry the baby and give it up for adoption, just as you've adopted one of your children from someone else? Is this something you believe you could do?

Oh I'm sorry, I posted that without having noticed the rest of the messages... Such an easy mistake. I'm really so very pleased for you, and wish you the best with your pregnancy x

Wow! That made me cry tears of joy for all of you.
Today I find myself in a similar situation - 38 with 2 teenagers BUT I have ill health. No idea what to do yet.
I do hope you will update us. X

Hi there, just to let you know that we're just going to move this over to antenatal tests and choices.

Bump

Hi girls/mums

I dont know if sharing my story is okay under someone elses post or I should do it in a separate one.
I cannot relate too much to the original poster`s story because I have no children. I can relate to the idea of termination. I think I am against it, but I think I might do it. I also feel like you, original poster, that I have to choose between 2 things that seem wrong.

I am 42 and got pregnant at first try with boyfriend who is 49 and whom Ive dated for 7 months. We have been talking about it before and then I thought I wanted a child, but when I found out I told him in a weepy voice. I did one more Sainsburys test, that was positive, too, and did 2 more at the doctors, positive, too, and I missed my period, too. When the test showed negative first, I was relieved, when they turned positive I felt aggravated.

I love babies, the smaller the better. I love toddlers, too.

My only problem is I would have wanted to spend more commitment free time with boyfriend and not become a mum so fast.

Boyfriend wants the baby very much and I think he would be a good father. We dont have a lot of money. My own relationship with my mum wasnt ideal, she had abortions which I judged and I used to say I would never have one, and now it is in the back of my mind.
I am afraid I will be a mum like mine was and I also feel that it is too early in the relationship, even if it may be my last chance biologically.

I told my boyfriend how I felt, he keeps reassuring me that he would help a lot and not leave me alone with the baby, so he wants it.

If I decide not to keep it, I might lose boyfriend, I think, if I go ahead with it, I might do what I`ve always done all my life, consider others first, not what I want. I may be in a situation that I did not want and have to carry it on for at least 20 years.

I also never thought I would want a termination. I don`t even kill spiders.

I should feel happy, I think the ideal situation is to feel happy when someone is growing inside you. When I wake up, I always feel as if wake up to a reality that I am not happy with.
I feel so selfish. I feel I am not able to concentrate on somebody else for the rest of my life. This boyfriend is my first ever nice boyfriend, previously I had only short and impossible relationship.

Sometimes, however, I am happy.

I wrote to an analyst I know but he hasn`t come back to me yet.

Thanks for listening.

I can totally relate. (((Gentle hug)))

I was faced with a surprise pregnacy at 43. I was too old. Didn't want to be going down that route again. Was already old enough to be a grandparent. Didn't want to be doing to school run with a walking frame

I have always been prolife. Never judged anyone else though. But I will be honest. For a few weeks I thought 'I can't have this baby'.

I had little thoughts of 'but what if'. And I sat and asked myself a question.

A year from now:
If I don't keep the baby is there a chance I will have regrets or feel guilt?
If I do keep the Baby and have a son or daughter bouncing on my knee is there any chance I will have regrets?

And I realised that no. Once I had and held my baby I would never regret having her.

She is now an adorable 2 year old with a headful of curls. She makes me smile every day!!!

I do realise how hard it is. Just be totally sure of your choice. I have seen first hand how the guilt can get to people.

If you do decide to go ahead with the termination be gentle on yourself. Give your boys extra cuddles and NEVER beat yourself up over it.

Sending you strength and love. Xx

Just realised how old this post was!!! Sorry.