Pregnant at 42, battling with having termination!

[crunchy3]

Quick background, am 42 and DH is 49, have 2 DS's - DS1 age 12 (conceived by 3xIVF) and DS2 age 6 (adopted as baby). Have had over 17 yrs unexplained fertility so both sons were 'very much wanted'. About a year ago, suddenly found out I was pregnant, completely gobsmacked however turned out be complete molar (quite rare) and so was over by 8 weeks. Docs were amazed, was tested for 6 months due to molar and then given all clear. Periods stopped, had more blood tests and was told was in perimenopause and that the pregnancy was probably my body's last burst of fertility. However found out over 2 weeks ago, 2 days before we were due to go abroad for a fortnight that I was pregnant again. Just couldn,t believe it, no way could it happen again, rushed up hospital for scan and was told everything normal, heartbeat seen and approx 7 weeks pregnant. In shock and denial, pleaded for a termination before my hols but obviously they couldn't do this at such short notice. Booked me in for counselling in 3 wks time because of hols and termination following week. Have just returned from hols and body has changed so much in the last couple of weeks. Have all the pregnancy symptoms and am just so gutted. Have spoke to DH and we both feel we are too old to contemplate going ahead. Am now getting a bit of independence as children are growing up. Have been doing school run for last 8 years and just cannot imagine starting all over again. DH admits he feels old being a dad to a 6 yr old as all his friends etc are now grandparents so cant imagine what he would be like with a new born. Also marriage isn't fantastic at the mo, hasn't been for sometime although not noticeable so much at home as both do our own things ,however did notice on hols how little we now have in common, prob only the children. On the plus side, cant help thinking that this could be a gift and was meant too find out a couple of days before hols so couldn't rush out and get termination. To fall pregnant naturally for me after this time is just un believeable. However there are so many things on the minus side, I suppose the main one being I just cant visualise me starting all over again now. Feel like DS2 would miss out as he is only 6 so still needs a lot of attention, and also think that I may resent having baby in years to come, when I am 50 I will have a 7 year old and by then all my friends children will have grown up and I think I would feel quite isolated and alone. I know it sounds selfish but I have got to think of the future as well. Keep debating whether to have CVS in case something is wrong so can warrant termination, but then if it comes back normal am still in the same situation, only further along which makes it even harder. Would welcome any advice/opinions, will not be offended in anyway as feel completely heartless. Just need to sort my head out as having been going round and round for nearly 3 weeks and seems to be getting worse!

Post cancer thought I was infertile but had unepected pregnancy at 43 (DDs were 12 and 7). Was devastated - cried for a week but then slowly got used to the idea.

Sadly cancer had had an effect so pregnancy ended at about 12 weeks. Should have solved all my problems but 2 years on I still miss him/her and think what stage we would be at now.

Funnily enough, I don't know many women who regret having a termination if it was their decision, although it is always a bit sad.

There are nearly 200,000 terminations performed a year, and something like 600,000 live births, so most women who make this choice feel comfortable with it.

This is not to said to push you either way, just because there seem to be quite a few pro-lifers posting.

Personally, I would not worry too much about your other children. They will adapt fine.

I am concerned about your marriage though. Lone parenthood is not fun.

I do not envy your decision. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

I think you should consider stepping away from this thread. You need professional counselling, not the kind of partial advice you're getting here.

MN, unsurprisingly perhaps, has a bias towards a "keep the baby, it will all work out as long as you want it enough" response to all questions about termination. It is way too easy to say those things to a stranger when you won't bear any if the consequences.

I'm still slightly taken aback though by the many comments that are telling you how you seem to feel and that are assuring you how you will feel should you have a termination. Not all women spend the rest if their life with feelings of any kind about it. I had one at 19 and I rarely think about it, except with occasional feelings of relief.

When you need impartial counselling, I'm not sure scores of Internet strangers telling you you'll regret a termination forever and that your husband's feelings are irrelevant is helpful. You might as well have shown up at one of those Catholic pregnancy "advisory" services so popular in Ireland in the 80s.

I think skidoodly is right.

Here is a counselling style exercise to help you work out your true feelings about this; Put yourself into the distant future where you have not terminated the pregnancy. What is your life like? What have been the impacts on your personal life, your relationships, your health and your family as a whole?

Now put yourself in a future where you have continued with the pregnancy, what does this life look like?

Good luck crunchy. Please bear in mind, there are no wrong decisions, only different consequences.

I haven't read all replies yet but will do later.

I got accidentally pregnant at 42. I had just started a job I loved after 7 years at home. Dcs were 6 and 5 and I had just started to "get my life back." DH had vasectomy booked, but we were not careful enough. We both blamed each other for our predicament.

Neither of us would have considered an abortion in our situation. However, we were quite resentful of each other. DH felt particularly down at being a father again at 45 - he felt like an old dad as it was. We both worried about the effect it would have on the DCs, how it would constrain their lives etc.

I had mild ante-natal depression probably because of the circumstances. But we got through it, I guess because we both felt that a baby was a gift and would be wonderful once it arrived. I had DS2 when I was 43. DS1 was 7.5, DD nearly 6. He is three now. They adore him and he adores them. Obviously life is more complicated with him, there are things we can't do, but I am so happy I have him! I still look at him sometimes and think "if I had been sober enough to say 'erm don't you think we need a condom' you wouldn't be here!" . . . and feel very tearful and lucky.

When he gets his driving licence at 17, I'll be getting me bus pass at 60! Seems bizarre but in another way I am unspeakably proud and knocking one out at my age.

Wishing you all the best.

I really value all your opinions both those for and against, and there are some excellent points made. I know that this is such an individual decison and one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, this is why it is hurting so much. I do try and visualize the future in 5 years time, with or without my DH if I were to have the baby and also if I were to go ahead with the termination. I think it is hard to realise that my DS's will also have grown up then, as I imagine them with a 5 year old now (age 12 and 6) and not aged 17 and 11 which they would be then - IYWSIM. Life changes, whatever way you look at it. I am off too conselling at 1.30 and really hope that this will help, it certainly can't make things any worse. DH is coming along but not sure if I will be able to make a final decision today. Have had loads of support from families and friends, plus support from here which really does help a lot. I will let you know how things go later today.

fingers are crossed for you crunchy

Crunchy I have nothing helpful to add because I've not been in the situation, but I really feel for you, and hope that counselling gives you some clarity.

Just stopping in to wish you all the best crunchy , only you can know what to do and I hope counselling helps. Good luck. xx

Went to see counseller but unfortunately not a great deal of help. It was on the NHS and as soon as we went in I was given the consent form for termination. When I explained that I wasn't 100% they seemed quite shocked and quickly made me an appt to speak with the doctor. She fired a load of questions at us, i.e could we cope financially, how would I feel in 2 years time if I went ahead/didn't go ahead with the pregnancy. Did I think I'd regret an abortion? etc. etc. I told her if I knew the answers to this I wouldn't have requested counselling. She said that she couldn't make our minds up for us, which I understand, but her gut feeling was that I wanted the baby and DH didn't. She also stated that we were one of the most confused couples she had ever worked with. DH confirmed that at his age he just didn't want a baby, couldn't imagine being at retirement age when he/she was 15. Said he accepted that this was a truly hard decision due to the 17 years of infertility, but he just really didn't want to do the 'baby thing' again, felt that he wanted to look forward in the future to doing some things without children i.e.weekends aways, trips out etc. If he were to have the baby he would be 70 before the child would be independent and by then his best years would have passed. I can appreciate everything he is saying and tbh have had some similar feelings myself - not the next few years, but say 10 years ahead or more. Counseller asked me my views on the school run and things like that, did I enjoy it? Told her no I didn't, had been doing it for the last 8 years and the thought of doing it for the next 8 filled me with dread. She wasn't sure what to answer to that but I had to be honest. It is still hard for me to be 100% sure that termination is the right thing to do. I think the only real thing I did ascertain is that our marriage is really in dire straights and obviously needs to be sorted out one way or the other. We are so far apart from each other it is hard to imagine we have lived together for 20 years. Whether I can bring this baby up as a single parent is something I really have to give thought to right now, as I know that there is no way I would go ahead with the pregnancy and stay in my marriage. DH has gone out for a while which suited me, really need some space and time to think. Feeling exhausted now with all the worry, so will just have to see what the weekend brings. Will certainly keep you all informed.

Poor Crunchy. It doesn't sound as though counselling has made it much easier.

I am not wildly impressed that your DH's thoughts all seem to revolve solely around the impact on him, whereas you have been thinking about him, your other DCs, and the future DC if any, as well as yourself.

With your history this must seem a very cruel nightmare.

I can't advise you, and indeed, have no right to, but I would say be sure the decision you make is your decision.

I am very much pro-choice however, I absolutely think that if you have any doubt you should keep the baby because I think the damage of having a termination you don't really want lasts a lifetime. I know this from experience and later from research.

You will not regret having the baby as no mother ever does. However, it may well mean the loss of so many other things including your marriage. If this would be too much to lose then maybe the termination is for you. However, if you weigh these up and you're still not sure then maybe that tells you the answer. Only you can decide. Good luck.

Oh, Crunchy, how awful for you that the 'counselling' was so crap. Are there any women's centres near you where you might be able to speak to someone a little more qualified? Or what about your doctor? Do you have a good relationship with him/her? If he/she knows you and your family it might be good to go and have a chat.
i do hope you manage to resolve this soon.

'DH confirmed that at his age he just didn't want a baby'

A real man would have gotten the snip then, infertile or no.

If you are not 100% certain this is for you, because this is your body, then don't do it.

Would you try to cajole your husband into having the snip if he weren't 100%?

If the answer is no, then you have your answer as well.

You do what is best for you in your conscience.

If ,as the cousellor suggested,you want the baby and your DH does not,would you be able to forgive him if you had a termination? I agree with your counsellor in some ways,in that she can't make up your mind for you,and you seem very uncertain that an abortion is what you want.In those cercs it seems madness to end the pregnancy.I don't see why you should terminate this because your DH doesn't want a child,he was having sex with you after all,it is his responsibility to face up to the consequenses of that,sometimes sex makes a baby! Surely if you really really didn't want this child at all you would have terminated and not be on here asking for advice? Try and separate your marriage from what you want regarding what is happening in your body.Decide that,and then deal with the marriage problems.He sounds shockingly unsupportive tbh,and you don't sound as though you love him,do you?

Goshcrunchy this all sounds very difficult for you.

Would it help to try to view the pregnancy as a separate issue (I'm not sure if 'issue' is the right word but i can't think of another better term right now sorry)' separate and distinct from your relationship with your husband, rather than blending the two together, which is my current impression from reading through what you've written? Otherwise I'm just wondering whether you're trying to make a decision on having a termination through the prism of the long-term prospects or not of your marriage failing or lasting which is making it harder for you to make a decision as the termination seems to be morphing into the make or break factor? I fully appreciate the two cannot in themselves be separated - they are linked and your decision to terminate or not will potentially have a direct consequence on your marriage from what you're saying.

If you go ahead with the baby has your husband said what the consequences may be (eg he'll leave / not support you) or is it simply that he's not happy with the circumstances but he'll support you in any case?

I'm deliberately trying not to offer any views or analysis of what I think you're saying or wanting to do, because I agree (as indeed do you) that it is your decision to make and I don't want my thoughts and basis to cloud that.

Sorry sorry for basis read bias (last sentence)

I'm sorry, this is sticking my neck out but I'm of the opinion that any of these 'D'Hs or partners who pressure their spouses to have a termination are straight up arsewipe pricks.

Don't want a baby, get sterilised and use another form of contraception on top of that.

Otherwise, sex makes babies, so buck up.

I've seen hundreds of threads on here 'DH doesn't want another child'.

Oh yeah, then he should have gotten the snip and used a condom!

Feeling for you Crunchy. It is a horrible situation to be in, both for you and your DH.

Can't offer much advice, other than to say that both I and my kids have sibs with that kind of age gap and really enjoyed it.

That said, I also have a close friend who was desperate for a second child, got pregnant accidently, but her partner felt the same way as your DH. She felt that she could not impose her wishes on him as the pregnancy was unplanned, had a termination, and although it was tough, she has completely come to terms with her decision.

Whatever you decide will be miserable, but ultimately OK.

I normally agree with expat about men not taking responsibility for their fertility, but I think in this situation it was reasonable for the couple to think contraception was unnecessary. The OP didn't want more children either, but I assume hadn't had a coil fitted just in case.

They both thought, based on medical advice, that a pregnancy was impossible for them. It's no more fair to blame the OP's DH for this situation than it would be to blame her.

Not wanting to have a teenager in your 70s is perfectly valid. Just because other people choose it doesn't mean he has to welcome it.

crunchy sorry the counselling was such a dead loss. You sound very conflicted about the whole thing and far from making a decision you'll be happy with. What do you think would help you make this decision?

Space away from DH?
Time on your own away from everybody?
Talk with the friend you mentioned?

It's her body, skidoodly, though. Not his.

I didn't say it was his decision, I just said it wasn't his fault.