Pregnant at 42, battling with having termination!

[crunchy3]

Quick background, am 42 and DH is 49, have 2 DS's - DS1 age 12 (conceived by 3xIVF) and DS2 age 6 (adopted as baby). Have had over 17 yrs unexplained fertility so both sons were 'very much wanted'. About a year ago, suddenly found out I was pregnant, completely gobsmacked however turned out be complete molar (quite rare) and so was over by 8 weeks. Docs were amazed, was tested for 6 months due to molar and then given all clear. Periods stopped, had more blood tests and was told was in perimenopause and that the pregnancy was probably my body's last burst of fertility. However found out over 2 weeks ago, 2 days before we were due to go abroad for a fortnight that I was pregnant again. Just couldn,t believe it, no way could it happen again, rushed up hospital for scan and was told everything normal, heartbeat seen and approx 7 weeks pregnant. In shock and denial, pleaded for a termination before my hols but obviously they couldn't do this at such short notice. Booked me in for counselling in 3 wks time because of hols and termination following week. Have just returned from hols and body has changed so much in the last couple of weeks. Have all the pregnancy symptoms and am just so gutted. Have spoke to DH and we both feel we are too old to contemplate going ahead. Am now getting a bit of independence as children are growing up. Have been doing school run for last 8 years and just cannot imagine starting all over again. DH admits he feels old being a dad to a 6 yr old as all his friends etc are now grandparents so cant imagine what he would be like with a new born. Also marriage isn't fantastic at the mo, hasn't been for sometime although not noticeable so much at home as both do our own things ,however did notice on hols how little we now have in common, prob only the children. On the plus side, cant help thinking that this could be a gift and was meant too find out a couple of days before hols so couldn't rush out and get termination. To fall pregnant naturally for me after this time is just un believeable. However there are so many things on the minus side, I suppose the main one being I just cant visualise me starting all over again now. Feel like DS2 would miss out as he is only 6 so still needs a lot of attention, and also think that I may resent having baby in years to come, when I am 50 I will have a 7 year old and by then all my friends children will have grown up and I think I would feel quite isolated and alone. I know it sounds selfish but I have got to think of the future as well. Keep debating whether to have CVS in case something is wrong so can warrant termination, but then if it comes back normal am still in the same situation, only further along which makes it even harder. Would welcome any advice/opinions, will not be offended in anyway as feel completely heartless. Just need to sort my head out as having been going round and round for nearly 3 weeks and seems to be getting worse!

hi, i haven't got time to read through all the thoughtful responses to your post, but have one point to make. I had a termination many years ago, before me and DH were married. It was definitely the 'right' thing for us to do at the time. However, nothing prepared me for the feelings I have had about it since - feelings of great regret, sadness and shame. we almost split up as a result.
don't underestimate the huge emotional repercussions of having a termination. if you're torn about it now, then my fear would be that it will be even harder for you to come to terms with later on, if you terminate the pregnancy.
Finally i'd just say that having older parents is fantastic! my dad was 50, and my mum 44, when they had my little sister. she doesn't feel she's missed out at all, and they've always been energetic parents. it's truly kept them young, and we as children benefitted from them being more experienced and stable in their own lives.
my husband is 47, and we are expecting another baby in the new year. neither of us are worried about him being an older dad. you are as young as you feel, and as young as you behave. ill health can strike at any age. older parents are hugely under-rated, in my opinion!

I think it is really important for you and your existing family that BOTH you and DH make a joint and informed decision about this if at all possible.

Please also try and ensure your DH thinks this through as carefully as you are doing. Counselling seems like a very good idea if he will take part.
Its different for men as they dont carry the baby so dont have the same physical feelings of parenthood before the baby is born. Your DH seems to be seeing all the negative aspects which is fair enough but is he also thinking about the positives too?

2 of my best friends just had babies at 42 and I really don't see it as odd. One has an 11 year old too so a massive gap but it's going so well, the older one helps and is actually rather pleased to have lost the pressure of being an only child!

I am pro-life I must say, but I just wouldn't be able to ignore that after all the problems you've had you're having a baby! That's a miricle!

Have read the latest posts and wanted to thank you for all your support. Didn't get much sleep last night so feel exhausted today, which isn't helping much! Feel am at a real turning point regarding my marriage, I suppose this has brought all the problems to the surface and now they have to be dealt with. I do think that I would cope ok as a single mother as TBH have done 90% of bringing up the children anyway, so I suppose not that much would change on a practical level anyway. When DH goes out, there is always a lot lighter atmosphere in the house, much more relaxed and less tension. I am a lot more easy going than him and I suppose have more patience.
Not sure though, if it would be fair bringing the child into the world knowing he/she wouldn't have a father figure, but I suppose there are plenty of others in this situation that do just fine. I just cant imagine how a termination would effect me in the long run, especially as this is a 'miracle' baby. Am quite a deep person and dont think that I would be able to put it behind me very easily. I suppose this will be discussed in detail at the counselling and DH will have to listen to both sides, so maybe this will help us both come to a joint decision. I do think once he's had time to mull over things, he may change his outlook but am beginning to think I may be better off alone whatever happens. I do appreciate your posts and stories, its nice to know others have been there and come out positively the other side!

This must be so hard but from reading your posts I do think that you would find it very, very difficult to recover from terminating what you describe yourself as your "miracle baby".

If most of the child rearing falls on you is it really going to make that much difference to your DH?

And if you go ahead with a termination because he wishes it, even though your own feelings are so ambivalent, do you think your relationship could withstand such a blow?

So sorry you're in this situation, it's so hard trying to make the decision when there are such big pluses and minuses either way.

I've been there and the ticking clock when you really just want time to think makes for a pretty stressful time.

I just wanted to say that you wont necessarily suffer long term upset over having a termination, lots of us - having been involved in these types of discussions here and in rl - really feel overwhelming reief.

The main thing which helped me decide, when I really felt neither decision was right, was this; which wrong decision would be most detrimental? regretting a baby is huge and could have so any knock on effects on the family and the child itself, regretting a termination - well I'd just have to be a big girl and deal with it.

I think its something that doesn't always get said because maybe it sounds selfish? But honestly, there are so many of us who feel our decision was a positive one. This is not to say I dont regret the situation arising, or feel some sadness over the whole thing but, no, after several weeks of deliberating, weighing up the options, sadness and stress and guilt, making the decision and following it through was actually very liberating.

I found that the whole situation really made me assess things in my life and after the termination I felt quite strong and able and finally made changes to the problem areas in my life/relationship that the pregnancy had highlighted.

I really wish you all the best, I know that where you are right now is pretty horrible.

Whatever your decision, I'm sure you will cope just fine x

Reading your original post, it sounded like YOU were unhappy about the idea of another child, and that if you found out that something was wrong with it (e.g. by CVS) serious enough to warrant termination that would almost be a relief. If that is the case, that you feel you want a 'valid' excuse in the eyes of the world, I think you should listen to that. On the other hand, if I'd only read your subsequent posts, I'd get a very different impression - and perhaps you have changed since writing the original one, or have found your own position more clearly? In which case, of course I'd agree with the majority of the posters. Just a thought/comment - perhaps it might tell you something?

(Neither decision is 'right' or 'wrong', of course, but just more or less in line with your own wishes.)

Very best of luck, anyway - it must be very difficult, but you'll get through and things will work out.

it is of course your decision, but if I were in your position I'd just go for it. I guess you have to try and imagine what you might feel like if you didn't go ahead, given that it's (a) pretty miraculous and (b) unlikely to present itself again. I'm not remotely religious but this pregnancy seems meant to be. good luck whatever you decide (am faintly jealous, too!)

It sounds like the more you are thinking of it the more you seem to be wanting to keep the baby? If you got a termination just based on your OH opinions and feelings you would resent him for it if it wasn't what you truly wanted.

Neither option is easy and I really feel for you, good luck in whatever you decide but just do what's best for you.

Hi crunchy. I've never been in your position but I have had several heated conversations with dh about what we would (hypothetically) do were it to arise.

The conclusions I came to, which may or may not help are

1. whilst one should be mindful of the man's decision ultimately it is yours. With that comes responsibility legally and medically for signing the consent forms as well as the emotions around it - good and bad
2. in my experience even when a pregnancy/baby is planned men often don't seem to feel any substantial tangible bond with the growing bump until it actually baby is born (I accept this is a generalization and of course not all men feel this way). This could be contributing to how your dh is reacting and he perceives the unplanned foetus / baby simply as a problem to be fixed.
3. if you make the decision to terminate to rescue your marriage, but the marriage breaks down anyway how would you feel? If you have the child and stick with your husband only for that reason how would you feel?

Good luck whichever decision you make. I don't think it's one ever taken lightly

Good luck with yur decision crunchy. I felt the same as you re termination.. i really couldnt imagine that it wouldnt affect me badly as i am not the most balanced person at the best of times. I can honestly say that was to begin with my main reason for not doing it.Also my age meant that it was may last chance and dh only chance.
Hope the counselling helps you reach a decision you are both happy with.

How are you today crunchy? (Big hugs)

Am feeling a little better today, although DH is hardly speaking and avoiding me as much as possible. Guess it is just his way of dealing with things. Spoke to one of my old school mates last night who was totally shocked. She couldn't advise either way obviously, but it was nice too hear things from her point of view. Am just looking forward to counselling tomorrow. Apparently they dont encourage you either way, they just want you to be certain you have made the right choice. Still in limbo, but feel our relationship needs to be tackled asap. Will keep you informed of how I get on tomorrow.

Hope you find it all helpful tomorrow, and your DH too. Do you have time to do something nice for yourself today? Even just a bath, reading a book or going for a walk.
Take time to look after yourself, this is huge for you.

I just came on the board to post a question, and saw your post. I can't make you feel better about progressing with a termination, so up to you if you want to read on...

42 is NOT very old. My mum had my brother at 40 and he is now 24 and my mum still doesn't seem old to be his mum well into her 60's now. My brother and I were in our teens and I can't say that there were not annoying moments especially as he was in my room when I was studying for my GSCEs but I adore him to this day and have a really special relationship with him. I would have been broken hearted if mum had not continued with the pregnancy and I had learned of this later.

I'm about to have my first in a matter of days, and I'm also in the advanced maternal age bracket! My mum is going to be the most fantastic and energetic grandmother. All I can say to you is that of course there will be no going back, do you really think you will regret allowing things to take their course with your little one?

My good friend (we were pregnant at the same time)recently lost her baby at 28 wks. She knew baby was really sick from 20 weeks (a firm diagnosis wasn't made but there were definately problems) and yet she loved her to the end despite having many a reason, through a succession of counselling and tests, to end the pregnancy, she did not and she gave her little one every chance. Sadly baby was too sick and was stillborn, but I know she doesnt regret her decision in letting things take their course.

Termination is spoken about so lightly during 1st tri especially by anti-natal professionals but it is the mums that have to live with it. As I type and feel my little one wriggling and bouncing around, I know that I could not.

PS my Dad is 14 years older than my mum so he is 76 with a 24 year old. He is in great health but I admit not exactly a 'fun dad' with my youngest brother, but he also really enjoyed him as a little lad. I have to add then he wasn't much 'fun' with us older kids either when we were little and he was young, we say he was 'born old' lol!

Gosh poor you. I do feel for you. I am 41 and 30 weeks pregnant with no4. I have 3 DS who when the baby is born will be 13, 11 and 7. My DH is 51!! He has many conversations with friends and family about how scary it will be when he is 65 to have a 14 year old but we'll survive. I really was getting my life back and had a great social life. My friends kids are all the same age as mine. I am the only one in my circle of friends who is pregnant but they are all so excited now (after the initial shock!). My other DS are really excited and want to help out.

Although it was a shock at first and age was an issue, like many people have said, they keep you young. My DH is dragged out to play football or cricket all the time and he loves it. If you are both fit and healthy, age doesn't need to be a problem.

Whatever decision you make, good luck. At the end of the day, only you can decide.

Hope all goes well tomorrow, Crunchy. Thinking of you.

good luck crunchy thinking of you. from your posts i am really concerned about how you would deal with a termination of your 'miracle baby' in the long term. thinking of you.

Crunchy. I too had fertillity issues.

I was 42 when I fell pg with my Dd. My (now ex)p was 48 and had a grown up Dd (she was 29) and my Ds was then 7. So...I was almost 43 when I gave birth, Dp 49, Ds 8.4. I too considered termination ~ for the first time in my life, I gave that idea head room. But that was for my ex, not for me. It took 14 years to get my son and I'd had several mc's too.

Dd is fabulous. Now 3.8 and about to start nursery. Yes, I'm a single Mum, get little help, but my Dc's are my world (even if I do get shouty at times).

Whatever you decide, do it for yourself, because you are the one that must live with it and I wish you the best.

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow, Crunchy.

I've had both my daughters in my 40's.My youngest at 43,(I'm 46)so its hard for me to imagine why you would want to terminate.I,like most people had my second when my first was 2 and needed much more attention than a six year old,and we have coped.I am tired all the time but that is more to do with my terrible sleeper of a three year old than to do with my age.the only advice I have is this-if you are at all ambiguous about termination then do not do it.You can never undo it and bring your baby back.Only go down that route if you are absolutely sure that it is right for you.I have seen friends destroyed by terminations they were only half decided on.Go with your heart and not your head.

I have two DDS aged 24 and 21. I have two GDDs

I fell pregnant just before my 40th birthday, my DS will be 10 in November.

I went through all of the feelings you are going through but decided I could not terminate.

Having my DS is like having a Christmas present on boxing day. I have enjoyed every second.

I know many people would disagree but IMO you can never regret having a child, and you can regret terminating.

I feel you ersonally would like to keep your baby, if you are only pleasing your DH then don't do it. You must do what is right for you.

Very best wishes for your counselling session tomorrow, Crunchy. I had a similar session when I was contemplating a termination a few years ago, and it was enormously helpful, and such a relief to talk to someone kind and non-judgemental. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and although I had lots of mixed feelings, and felt quite 'neutral' throughout, I was overjoyed when dd3 was born and bonded with her very strongly immediately. My first two dc were IVF babies and when dd3 was born I had three children under two, and was very worried that I wouldn't cope, it wouldn't be fair on the older two etc. With the benefit of a few years of hindsight, none of my reasons for considering a termination were insurmountable, really. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Just to add that Dd's father didn't want to have another child and was totally cold with me both before her birth and afterwards ~ but! he has said (since we split and Dd turned 2) that she is, without a doubt, the best thing to have ever happened to him. He would've left me anyway and if I'd terminated, I would've felt doubly bad about it all.

Maybe your Dh would feel the same and fall in love with a new baby too?