Pregnant at 42, battling with having termination!

[crunchy3]

Quick background, am 42 and DH is 49, have 2 DS's - DS1 age 12 (conceived by 3xIVF) and DS2 age 6 (adopted as baby). Have had over 17 yrs unexplained fertility so both sons were 'very much wanted'. About a year ago, suddenly found out I was pregnant, completely gobsmacked however turned out be complete molar (quite rare) and so was over by 8 weeks. Docs were amazed, was tested for 6 months due to molar and then given all clear. Periods stopped, had more blood tests and was told was in perimenopause and that the pregnancy was probably my body's last burst of fertility. However found out over 2 weeks ago, 2 days before we were due to go abroad for a fortnight that I was pregnant again. Just couldn,t believe it, no way could it happen again, rushed up hospital for scan and was told everything normal, heartbeat seen and approx 7 weeks pregnant. In shock and denial, pleaded for a termination before my hols but obviously they couldn't do this at such short notice. Booked me in for counselling in 3 wks time because of hols and termination following week. Have just returned from hols and body has changed so much in the last couple of weeks. Have all the pregnancy symptoms and am just so gutted. Have spoke to DH and we both feel we are too old to contemplate going ahead. Am now getting a bit of independence as children are growing up. Have been doing school run for last 8 years and just cannot imagine starting all over again. DH admits he feels old being a dad to a 6 yr old as all his friends etc are now grandparents so cant imagine what he would be like with a new born. Also marriage isn't fantastic at the mo, hasn't been for sometime although not noticeable so much at home as both do our own things ,however did notice on hols how little we now have in common, prob only the children. On the plus side, cant help thinking that this could be a gift and was meant too find out a couple of days before hols so couldn't rush out and get termination. To fall pregnant naturally for me after this time is just un believeable. However there are so many things on the minus side, I suppose the main one being I just cant visualise me starting all over again now. Feel like DS2 would miss out as he is only 6 so still needs a lot of attention, and also think that I may resent having baby in years to come, when I am 50 I will have a 7 year old and by then all my friends children will have grown up and I think I would feel quite isolated and alone. I know it sounds selfish but I have got to think of the future as well. Keep debating whether to have CVS in case something is wrong so can warrant termination, but then if it comes back normal am still in the same situation, only further along which makes it even harder. Would welcome any advice/opinions, will not be offended in anyway as feel completely heartless. Just need to sort my head out as having been going round and round for nearly 3 weeks and seems to be getting worse!

[Snuppeline]

Hi Crunchy, I'm sorry your councelling didn't work out. Where in the country are you? I had a few councelling sessions on the NHS when like you I was torn between keeping baby and termination and the lady I spoke to was brilliant. She also had me and my dp for a couples session. I later had councelling through a private charity (pro decision charity) which dealt with late terminations (as my dithering had brought me beyond 12 weeks) and I found it very good and carried on for a good few months. Roles were reversed for me and my dp, he wanted the child and I didn't as I had just started a PhD and a new job and couldn't imagine quitting either (lots of other more funamental emotional problems which I had to deal with too of course). If you'd like I'd be happy to give you the details of the councillor at St Georges hospital (London). Send me a private message. Even if she can't help you directly (depending on where you live!) she may be able to give you the names of someone else she trust. She was a lovely lady and so were the others I met through the charity (Bpas). Thinking of you.

[BalloonSlayer]

FWIW Crunchy all the negative things your DH says about being a father again are exactly the same things my DH felt.

(Need to remind that there are differences between your situation and ours - we are anti-termination anyway and the state of our relationship was/is OK.)

DH felt/feels a bit cheated of the freedom that was within his grasp, and feels the older DCs are constrained by having a younger brother. And often mentions it, which puts my back right up and frequently ends in a row. But he loves DS2 desperately and would never be without him - he is just sounding off.

He says that I have loads of people to moan on to about my problems, or if I feel fed up with life: friends, Mumsnet etc. He only has me. And I have to accept that he is entitled to his feelings.

However, applying pressure on me to terminate would have been a deal breaker. But as I keep having to say, we have different views on termination than some people anyway so it is a moot point.

Have you asked your DH:

• what would you feel if there was no possibility of a termination? Say if it was banned tomorrow?
  

• how do you see this family in five years' time? The four of us still together? Us seperated? Then share how YOU see it.

[sotough]

all i would say is please don't have a termination if you're not absolutely sure. i very much doubt you would regret having a baby, after you've had actually had it, but you may well regret, for life, having a termination if you weren't even convinced it was right at the time. really feeling for you - what a horrible situation.

[skidoodly]

Just because people can't really be open about the children they regret having doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Plenty of people have terminations they are glad they had, although again, you're always supposed to bleat on about how dreadful you feel and how you never got over it.

This kind of folk wisdom really is a crock of shit.

You can no more take back having a child than you can having a termination.

Either choice can be something you are happy about or regret in the future. Pretending otherwise is stupid and unfair when someone is trying to make a difficult decision.

[Jaybird37]

I am with you skidoodly.

I worked as a psychiatrist for many years and only ever once came across someone who required treatment/ counselling following a termination.

I did come across a lot of people who had depression because of difficult family situations.

I am not saying this to influence you one way or another Crunchy, just trying to redress the balance with the pro-choicers.

Your situation is very complicated, given marital issues, 17 years of infertility, your husband's preference, your gestation, the family you have built through IVF and adoption, your age. I cannot imagine how you make your decision.

I have thought about this discussion - all these people who know nothing about you or your family offering support and advice about something so intimate. The only thing I can say is that sometimes other people's views crystallise what you really feel for you, because you know deep down whether you agree or disagree.

[crunchy3]

Thought I should update you on our situation. I do take on board all comments good and bad and know that ultimately I will be the one living with the situation, and will have to be reponsible for my final decision. Communications had literally stopped between me and DH over the last day or so. Last night, I told him how unhappy I was in our marriage, and had been for a long time. He admitted that he wasnt overly happy himself, although I dont think he was as bad as me. He did think that all this had come about though because of the pregnancy. I tried to explain that I had probably felt like this for years, but just buried my head in the sand, but now with the pregnancy I just felt I had to confront the situation. He thinks that I resent him because of his age and feelings on the baby, but this is just not true. I have honestly felt like this for a long while, but sometimes it is easier to stay and ignore your feelings especially where there are children concerned. We discussed maybe we should split up, him move out etc and I think that he actually would if this is what I want. I did suggest counselling, but he was definitely against this - his saying was 'once something is broken it can never be mended'. Am now feeling quite numb today, not sure which way to turn, had more orless made my mind up for a termination yesterday, but now just dont know again. Have got to rush off now cos DS1 has a party, but will catch up with you all later today.

[expatinscotland]

'I did suggest counselling, but he was definitely against this - his saying was 'once something is broken it can never be mended'.'

Wow, he's got a nice attitude! Doesn't seem like he wants to put the effort into trying to save something as important as his marriage.

[JennyPiccolo]

I think you're going to feel a bit wretched in this circumstance, no matter what decision you eventually come to.

You just need to take comfort in the fact that only you will know what's best for you and the rest of your family. There isn't a 'right' choice or a 'wrong' choice here, and whatever decision you come to will be for the best.

[skidoodly]

Once something's broken it can never be mended?

That's one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. Doesn't he know what the word "mend" means?

Even if you are going to split, it would still be worthwhile to get counselling to help you do it as well as possible for the sake of your boys (and possible sibling).

I would push this with him. He is asking a lot of you right now. Going to counselling is the least he could do.

[jabberwocky]

crunchy, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can only offer to share some similar experiences.

I had a termination at 19. I did then and still do feel that it was the right thing to do at the time. Still, I struggled with my emotions for many years as I did not seek counselling. I should have, but since I had not told my parents I had no one really to advise me iykwim. I did finally come to terms with my emotions many years later but I guess what I am trying to say is that even when you are completely sure it is the right thing for you it is still not easy. Oh, and sometimes counselling can be unhelpful if the counsellor is not a good fit for you and can be brilliant with someone else.

I had ds1 when I was 38, ds2 at 41. Dh is 16 years older than me. You do the math. Yes, we think about the future but we have a surprising amount of friends who have also waited a long time to have children so we realize we are not isolated in the numbers game. Dh has chronic health issues which cause some problems but that would have happened anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I wish you all the best.

[Bumperlicious]

Crunchy, very sorry you are going through this. I hope you manage to come to the right decision for you soon. It's awful that your husband isn't supporting you at the time when you most need the support.

Does potentially being on your own affect your decision one way or the other?

[skidoodly]

I had a termination at 19. It was easy, I didn't have counselling, it took me no time at all to get over it, I have never regretted it.

Not sure what bearing this could possibly have on an entirely different situation being experienced by a another person, but since we're all weighing in with our abortion stories, thought I'd join in.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

what a nightmare for you - I am sorry that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation.

I have always wanted another child and it ahs been no secret to anyone that the reason we haven't gone ahead was DH.
we got pregnant accidentally and the way DH reacted made it clear to me how strongly he felt about the issue.

I am in no way saying what you should or shouldn't do Goodness it is an impossible mess.

It made ME realise that I am in a partnership with DH and although my views count, so do his, sadly we had a miscarriage, but it has made me bloody certain that there will be no more accidents. I don't want to ever be in that situation again.

Then I think about a friend of mine who has a 26 year old a 6 year old and is pregnant as a surprise just before her 48th birthday. not a family group she would have planned but a loving home none the less.

Personally I find that what my heart is telling me in the middle of the night when there are no other voices around is usually the right one, no matter how un plallatable the decision.

Wishing you all the best.

[Amanda82]

Hi Crunchy I was in the same situation as you 2 yrs ago, same ages etc & 3 other children 12, 10 & 7, unexpected pregnancy, I had cvs (not as bad as you think) it showed healthy baby so we chose to go ahead with pregnancy, I now have 17month old girl, it was very very tough for the first year I'll not lie but she's such fun.
I know all of the emotions you are going through & I still battle with alot of them today, oldest mum in playground thing & no free time at all to myself.
I didn't have the marriage issues that you have outlined which are making things so much tougher for you.
Just remember this is your decision you'll manage which either way you go, but make the decision for you not someone else.

[AramintaAlice]

Hi Crunchy, horrible position to be in but I'm 43 with 7 other kids and am accidentally pregnant too. I have 4 boys and 3 girls and felt gutted to be in this situation but didn't contemplate termination.

However, have just now found out the baby has Downs and am going to terminate. I'd give anything, I'd give my legs or arms for this baby to be normal how, I keep looking at scan photos terrified that they've made a mistake and I can't stop crying. All I want now is for the hospital to phone and say they've made an awful mistake and my baby is free of Downs.

I'll terminate on Tuesday of Wednesday by actually giving birth and my mind is damaged beyond anything I can describe because of this.

If I were you, even with the hubby situ I'd have your little baby, it may become a friend in years to come after you divorce.

One other point, it can't possibly resent you for being an older parent because you gave it life and it didn't have the choice to be born when you were younger. The choice (if they could actually make it) would be to be born with older parents or not be born at all. I'm, sure most people would find an older parent a tiny price to pay for the billions to one chance to experience life that we get.

Good luck :)

[myredcardigan]

Of course lots of people have terminations and dont regret them but it's absolutely wrong to say it's very rare to have regrets.

I'm 15yrs on and regret it bitterly. Counselling helped and, if we're spouting anecdotal evidence, my counsellor had seen many women in my position. She told me that young women with little income either because they are teenagers or students rarely regret their decision but that regret was much more common amongst women 25+ who were financially stable and/or married.

As I said, I am very pro-choice. However, if the OP's marriage is already shaky and may not have survived anyway, then chosing to have a termination that she's not sure she wants just because that's what her husband wants is not a good idea.

If the OP wants to have a termination because that is what she wants for her life and her body then that's the right decision. But to go ahead when she has great big fat doubts simply because her husband isn't keen will (IMO) be the final nail in a shaky marriage.

The part about not regretting having the baby was that if he leaves her next year because of her decision to go ahead, I very much doubt she will look at the baby and say, I wish I'd gone along with what he wanted. However, if he just leaves anyway next year and she's had a termination in line with his wishes, her resentment will be enormous.

And ultimately, yes of course, only the OP can make the final decision.
Good luck, Crunchy.

[skidoodly]

"The choice (if they could actually make it) would be to be born with older parents or not be born at all."

Holy fucking crap.

This thread has been brought to you by the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children.

[expatinscotland]

'If I were you, even with the hubby situ I'd have your little baby, it may become a friend in years to come after you divorce.

One other point, it can't possibly resent you for being an older parent because you gave it life and it didn't have the choice to be born when you were younger. The choice (if they could actually make it) would be to be born with older parents or not be born at all. I'm, sure most people would find an older parent a tiny price to pay for the billions to one chance to experience life that we get.'

Yet you're terminating because of Down's?

People with Down's Syndrome can make friends, too.

But that's neither here nor there on this thread, I suppose.

The choice for this OP is to do what is best for her, now, because it's becoming patently obvious this 'D'H might not be interested in hanging around at all.

[BalloonSlayer]

AramintaAlice have you had any counselling? You sound awfully confused and in an awful state.

[FallingWithStyle]

Have to agree with skidoodly.
I find the tone of many of these posts pretty disturbing.

[sotough]

there are an awful lot of people being very aggressive on this thread! skidoodly there's no need to swear/get offensive at people who are only trying to help in their own way. i'm sure the OP is smart enough to detect and ignore threads by rapid pro choicers.

[myredcardigan]

Actually, Skidoodly, I clearly stated that I was pro-choice.

My opinion is not formed from a pro-life stance but from reading the details given by the OP. I'm questioning whether a termination is right for her not whether termination is right per sa.