Pregnant at 42, battling with having termination!

[crunchy3]

Quick background, am 42 and DH is 49, have 2 DS's - DS1 age 12 (conceived by 3xIVF) and DS2 age 6 (adopted as baby). Have had over 17 yrs unexplained fertility so both sons were 'very much wanted'. About a year ago, suddenly found out I was pregnant, completely gobsmacked however turned out be complete molar (quite rare) and so was over by 8 weeks. Docs were amazed, was tested for 6 months due to molar and then given all clear. Periods stopped, had more blood tests and was told was in perimenopause and that the pregnancy was probably my body's last burst of fertility. However found out over 2 weeks ago, 2 days before we were due to go abroad for a fortnight that I was pregnant again. Just couldn,t believe it, no way could it happen again, rushed up hospital for scan and was told everything normal, heartbeat seen and approx 7 weeks pregnant. In shock and denial, pleaded for a termination before my hols but obviously they couldn't do this at such short notice. Booked me in for counselling in 3 wks time because of hols and termination following week. Have just returned from hols and body has changed so much in the last couple of weeks. Have all the pregnancy symptoms and am just so gutted. Have spoke to DH and we both feel we are too old to contemplate going ahead. Am now getting a bit of independence as children are growing up. Have been doing school run for last 8 years and just cannot imagine starting all over again. DH admits he feels old being a dad to a 6 yr old as all his friends etc are now grandparents so cant imagine what he would be like with a new born. Also marriage isn't fantastic at the mo, hasn't been for sometime although not noticeable so much at home as both do our own things ,however did notice on hols how little we now have in common, prob only the children. On the plus side, cant help thinking that this could be a gift and was meant too find out a couple of days before hols so couldn't rush out and get termination. To fall pregnant naturally for me after this time is just un believeable. However there are so many things on the minus side, I suppose the main one being I just cant visualise me starting all over again now. Feel like DS2 would miss out as he is only 6 so still needs a lot of attention, and also think that I may resent having baby in years to come, when I am 50 I will have a 7 year old and by then all my friends children will have grown up and I think I would feel quite isolated and alone. I know it sounds selfish but I have got to think of the future as well. Keep debating whether to have CVS in case something is wrong so can warrant termination, but then if it comes back normal am still in the same situation, only further along which makes it even harder. Would welcome any advice/opinions, will not be offended in anyway as feel completely heartless. Just need to sort my head out as having been going round and round for nearly 3 weeks and seems to be getting worse!

Your opinion is coloured by the fact that you had a termination you regretted. You are not interpreting what she writes impartially, but through the lens of your own painful experience.

Termination is a hugely emotive topic, which is why it is astonishing to me to see so many people telling the op what she should do rather than seeking to help her make the best choice she can.

"If I were you I'd..." has no place in this discussion. We're not her, we don't know her, she's vulnerable, and we all come to this with baggage.

Actually, it's more based on the fact that I think most women who have a termination because someone else wants them to regret it.

I absolutely think the OP should seek help and advive but to make her own decision. I am saying that I'm sure she would regret making the decision for her husband not making the decision to terminate if that's what she wants.

I can not and will not offer any advice on this but I would like to wish you best of luck coming to your decision. None of the issues you raised seem very easy to deal with separately never mind all together like that.

I hope you and your DH manage to sort out how you are both feeling which I know can be difficult with all the hormones flying around inside you. I think you will make more progress on this choice talking to your husband and a close friend (or for me it would be my sister) than you will talking to anyone on here since those people know YOU, the real you, not the you who is filled with hormones and really messed up at the moment.

Good luck

Have had a termination and regretted it, became very mentally ill afterwards so whoever said they never heard of anyone having problems after a termination I can point you in the direction of a forum full of women who struggle with post termination mental health problems.

Having said that, I had another termination (took us a while to find contraception that worked, OK judgey people?) that I did not regret and felt very relieved about. Both were first trimester, the one I felt better about was very early (5 weeks), the one I felt worst about was a bit later on (8 weeks).

My gut feeling, OP, is that you want to continue this pregnancy. I am (clearly) pro-choice, but would urge you to take your time on this decision, regretting a termination is not something I'd wish on anyone. The minute I found out about the pregnancy the second time, I knew it had to end and was at peace with it. First time I was more like you are right now, OP. I was swayed by my partners feelings and whilst I'm now over the regret, I now know I wanted to continue that pregnancy.

So take your time to get the decision right.

How are you feeling this morning Crunchy?

Thinking of you, Crunchy.

Am feeling a little better, am back at work and really just in denial. DH and I have talked a lot over the weekend, and have been really open with each other. Told him honestly how I feel about our relationship, that I have seriously considered splitting. Think he was quite shocked and realises what a git he has been in the past. Told him, I am not sure if it is too late to repair the damage and if things dont improve, I would be ready to leave. He now admits he doesn't want this but we will have to wait and see. Am still really no further forward with abortion decision. I have signed the consent forms for Thursday but still know I can cancel at the last mo. DH has also admitted he has some doubts, but still thinks it would be for the best in the long run. I do feel in myself I dont want this baby, however just cannot bring myself to make this final decision. It is such a big life changing decision that I have to live with forever. I keep trying to envisage 5 years ahead when the other DS's would be 11 and 17. One of my worries is that I would not want this baby to grow up as a single child. I think combined with the age of its parents, it is a major factor I have to consider. I know it can be done and would work out, but is not ideal - I suppose this is why people often have 2 younger ones closes together so that they are company, but this is not an option for me. I am waiting to speak to my doctor to have a chat, not really sure what it will accomplish but cannot do any harm. I am also going to call BPAS this afternoon, to see if there is anyone there I can talk to. Thanks again for all your kind words and concerns, I do agree that unless you are in this position it is hard to imagine, and at the end of the day only I can make the choice. I will let you know how things go.

Your 'D'H is a manipulative slimeball. From the soounds of it he's going to be gone soon regardless of what happens now.

Personally, I think you are unnecessarity overworried about your age and the potential age gap between your DCs.

Most mums at the toddler groups I go to are in their 40s, a few older when they had theirs than you. At least you wont get looked down on like young Mums.

I think big age gaps are great. it means each child gets lots of 1-on-1 when they are little but has the benefits of having siblings when they are older. Also older siblings are great at helping with the younger ones- it is much easier than for the first one or 2. You'll have live-in babysitters so wont be as restricted as other Mums in terms of getting out the house.

And with big age gaps there's less sibling rivalry. Most of the adult sibilngs I know who are very close to theirs have large gaps.

Is your eldest mature enough to have a hypothetical discussion about "what if Mum had another baby"? Either way it will efffect him so it would probably be good for you to have an idea of his feelings.

I'm sorry but why shouldshe have to consult her ds? His "feelings" are neither here nor there.

How can you jump from her dh being a "manipulative slimebaLl" because he has his own valid views on the pregnancy to thinking crunchy should find out how her son feels about all this? Because, of course he's not going to tell his mum to have an abortion!

So others opinions matter so long as they encourage her to keep the baby?

I think some of you are incredibly selfish to be posting in this way - dressing up your own agendas as concern.

Crunchy, poor you.

Don't have a termination based on any thoughts about being older yourself, or the age gap...evertyhing like that can and does work out really well for many many people. For every advantage in all these points there can be an equal and opposite disadvantage, or oposite experience from someone else.

Follow your heart of hearts. If you really don't want to be pg, don't want to start on rearing another new child, then that is reason enough. 'Wanted' parenthood is not a recipe of perfect ingredients: right sex, no disability, siblings close together who will never fight or be jealous of each other...wanting to have a baby is beyond all those considerations, ime and imo. (I have one child, and have had 2 terminations).

So, would you still be 'relieved' if a cvs gave you a 'justification' to have a termination? If so, perhaps you don't really want to be pg. Suppose you miscarry tomorrow - would you be distraught, and want to get pg again if posible? If so, perhaps you do really wnat this pg, and you can then manage whatever happens wrt to your marriage etc.

Crunchy - I'm really sorry. Your thread is not the place for that.

I hope you're taking care of yourself and that you get some clarity soon. I remember all too well the limbo...very frustrating, hoping that the "answer" will suddenly just present itself!

All the best x

How could you possibly have a hypothetical discussion - surely he'd see straight through that

Okay. This may seem like a crazy idea but just thought I'd throw it out there.

If you decide that you want to give birth to this baby, but can't face being a new mum again and all that that entails, have you considered adoption? That is a way to not have to have a termination if YOU feel that you can't go through with it.

Of course there will be other issues for you to deal with, but just thought I'd mention it.

Thinking of you (hugs)

acanthus- i frequently have hypothetical discussions with my DS about how he'd feel if I ever have another DC- it doesn't mean i'm pregnant or not.

I just thought of talking to him because the OP may have pre-conceived ideas about what her DS's opinion on the matter might be, and

Fallingwithstyle- I actually thought it would be more likely that (at that age) he wouldn't want a new DB/S, not the other way around. obviously, either way his opinion shouldn't be the deciding factor but is maybe something to at least find out.

And I dont think her DH's views are valid- he made the baby, it's his responsibility as an adult to live with the consequences of his actions, not just put it on the OP to 'fix' his 'problem'.

My close friend had her sons 8 years apart,and they are really close (now 12 and 20).When the younger was small he liked to cuddle up in bed at night with his big brother,and the age gap has really never been a problem.I thought that my Godson,the older child,would be jealous when the new baby came but quite the opposite,he was old enough to not be threatened by a baby,he changed nappies,he played with his new brother,they are very happy.So to say you would terminate to ensure the baby would not be an only child....!? You sound as though you are looking for something to pin the termination on tbh.If want to abort the baby,that is up to you,but don't assume that a new sibling would be grim for your children,or that a big age gap is bad,or indeed an only child.The children will be fine.You are an adult and it is up to you to make an adult choice based on your own feelings,not your children's.

Crunchy, I hope as the days pass you will find some clarity about which is the right decision for you.

I'm sorry if my posts seemed to be encouraging you to keep the baby. That was based purely on your earlier posts where you said you weren't sure you wanted a termination but your DH did. Your latest post sound more as if you have decided that embarking on new parenthood again is not for you. If this is true then perhaps the termination is the right decision for you. My concern was simply that I felt you'd come to regret the decision if you made it for someone else.
Good luck!

Hi Crunchy, dont know if you'll be reading this but I was thinking of you as I know you said the appt you booked while you thought things through is tomorrow.
Whatever you've decided I hope you are doing alright and looking after yourself x

Best of luck tomorrow Crunchy, with whatever you decide!

Thinking of you Crunchy

that your counselling was so useless
Thinking about you today x IMO you have to make the decision based on where you are now, not what happened in the past.

Thanks Aviatrix for clarifying what I meant, you hit the nail on the head - exactly what I was trying to say

Skidoodly, please don't be so scathing - you had an abortion and don't regret it, that's fine and Redcardigan had one and does...the Op was asking for our opinions and just because some differ from yours doesn't make them wrong simply because we're all individuals.

I'm aware Downs babies can make friends, my eight year old has a Downs boy in her class and he gets on with all the children. My only point with the friends comment was that the OP's baby might become a good friend in a few years time even if her hub does leave/is kicked out.

I just gave my opinion that's all, we're all trying to help and I felt upset to be the object of your anger. I certainly didn't intend to offend you.

Not everyone does regret abortion I know that. Those of us who do/would are just saying that.

Finally, Crunchy, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide hugs

Thought I had better do an update as have not been around the last few days. Went to the hospital as planned last Thursday to have the termination. Had a very quick scan first as it had been 4 weeks since the previous scan and obviously a lot can change. Me and DH had a real heart to heart for over an hour after the scan, just kept going round and round in circles. Had given him an ultimatum last weekend about our relationship (not about the baby) and he has completely turned around, apologised for his behaviour over the last few years, said he will get his act together etc. etc. Anyway decided we would go ahead with termination with heavy hearts, went up to ward got changed into gown, name bands etc. DH was sent home by nurses and told to come back at 7pm. I laid on bed and eventually realised I couldn't go through with termination, whatever the future held. Called DS, said he had been thinking exactly the same, had waited outside the hopsital doors for 20 mins wanting to come back in, but didn't have the courage. I got dressed, told nurses what was going on (who were lovely) and walked out of there with a huge feeling of relief. We are now both look forward to the future, obviously I know I have a long way to go yet and there are no guarantees but just feel that this was the right decision for me. I just want to thank you all for your support and messages which have helped me iso much over the last couple of weeks. It was so nice to hear other peoples experiences and advice, and I really dont think I would have coped without it!

Oh Chrunchy - i am so pleased you have made a decision that is right for you! Congratulations and wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy!

Well done for having the courage to walk away - many would have felt it too late to change their mind....
Congratulations on the pregnancy and I wish you both the best in rebuilding your marriage xx

Oh crunchy, that's bought tears to my eyes. Sounds like you and DH have made the right decision for you.

It's going to be hard, but much easier with your DH's support. Good luck :)