Single pregnant and don’t think I want my baby at 17 weeks

[Poppyrose12]

Hi sorry for the long post,

Me and my partner have been together for over 6 years now, neither of us wanted kids. Earlier this year I caught unplanned. I was never convinced I wanted a baby but not enough to have an abortion and everyone was so supportive saying my feelings would change. My feelings for not wanting a baby have only grown stronger the further alone I have got, I’m not at all excited and I can’t see a baby in my future. My partner feels the same if not stronger and what’s me to consider abortion or adoption because none of us really want this child however my problem is because I’m 17 weeks my whole family know and are excited and buying things, we know the gender and to make such a big decision I have to be 100% sure and I can’t be. It is my first pregnancy and I’m so scared of the risks or that I’ll regret my decision it’s putting me in between a rock and a hard place. As the only decision my partner can make he has decided that if I continue with the pregnancy then he will play no part, not even meet the baby when it’s born.

I feel stuck and trapped and I don’t know what to do.

@Flyingarcher that was wonderfully written.

Can I offer another side of the perspective?

My mum didn't want me. I was her fourth and she was done at 3. She was persuaded to have me by her family/my dad ... using the same tactics "you'll love it once it's here/you don't regret children" etc.

Well, she did regret me. She didn't love me. She barely tried, and she didn't hide it from me. My dad left when I was 4, and there went my only source of tangible love. I had a reprieve from the loveless life at 10 when my step father moved in, but he was gone within a few years and the love left again.

I mean, my mum kept me fed, safe, clothed, warm etc. But there was no connection. No tangible love, no hugs, no I love yous etc. Lots of "I wish you weren't born" in both words and deeds. Food/clothes/safety is all well and good, but a child needs love and connection too.

The outcome? A child who left home at 18 and who hasn't spoken to her mother since. That's was almost 30yrs ago.

It doesn't always come up roses.

@differentnameforthis that's absolutely awful and broke my heart reading that. I applaud you on your NC with your mother. Not many people would do that and would continue to live years of misery.

@lonelyheartsclubband Thank you! It was the only way to protect myself and my children. I do not regret one moment.

I could tell you it will change when the baby is born, it does for many people, but that isn't necessarily the case, however the window is now very short if you want to abort. As for our family, if it's easier you could say you aborted for medical reasons or miscarried, it's not that I condone lying normally but it's such an emotive issue, some people would never understand. You could also talk to your local council regarding adoption, they may be able t arrange a meeting at short notice to help you

You seem really unsure and I wonder if you went ahead with the abortion, if you'd get over that if it's not 100% certain that's what you want. Such a hard situation. All I can really suggest is wait until the baby is here and see how you feel. Please don't be influenced by your partner. He will either come around or you'll know he's not the sort of person you want in your life anyway. Adoption will still be an option.

@differentnameforthis thank you for that, I needed to hear that. I have thought about myself in this situation and thought the decision was be a mum when I don’t want to be or abort a baby when I don’t want to do that either. But that’s made me think when the baby comes what will it be like for her. And I have been to counselling I have gotten more information about the procedure and I have decided to keep her.

My problem has never been her it’s not her I don’t want I know that because I’m already so protective of her it’s the “mum life” I don’t want but as difficult as it may be I didn’t want the abortion more. I am still struggling with the coming to terms with it and adapting but I have a lot of support. I have spoken to my midwife who has arranged a few more appointments and I have a counsellor to help me adjust and I’m prepared for the likelyhood of post natal depression.

But I’m ok with my decision to keep her. And I’m even starting to get the tiniest bit excited thinking about what she’ll look like and what her personality will be.

Thank you all for your comments, unbiased opinions have really helped me.

Also, As for the baby’s father. I think there is too much water under the bridge for us. But I hope he steps up for his daughter in time.

Again thank you
X

@Poppyrose I just wanted to comment to offer my support to you. Pregnancy is a scary, overwhelming time. As excited as your family are would any of them tone it down a bit if you told them you were feeling scared about it all. Because I think you’ll be surprised if you talk to them how much the women who have had children will relate and support you. We are told to enjoy this ‘beautiful time’ all the time but I’ve found being honest with other women often means they open up and are honest back.

I hate to pile on but your partner sounds unbelievably selfish. It is just unreal he is 50% responsible for your pregnancy too he can’t just say ‘no I’m out.’ Despicable behaviour for someone who’s been with you 6 years! You deserve so much more. I can tell you seem like a lovely person from your posts. And you will surprise yourself with your strength x

I am not maternal and also one that didn't think I would ever get kids. Been pregnant twice, both times with conception in place and aborted the first one as I could not bare the idea of having a child. Some people may not regret this but I have, I had doubts but being pigheaded I went with the mantra that I didn't want it. So when I fell pregnant the second time I knew I couldn't go through another abortion, I adore my ds and wouldn't be without him. Not helping I know, just giving my own experience.

@hazandduck thank you. I ended up splitting it out to a couple family members when I was upset. They have all been so so supportive and have toned it down massively and wait for me to bring up the baby unless asking how I am before they go full blown auntie uncle grandparent mode. And it’s helped me get my own feelings straight.

I’ve always been a strong minded person and very self aware, it’s crazy how much pregnancy throws you completely out of sync. I’ve felt so frazzled and my partner acting the way he has hasn’t helped. I think there was so much emotion, confusion, and personal feelings floating around it just changed my whole way of thinking but I feel confident in my decision now x

XBF was adamant he wouldn’t keep any resulting pregnancy and I truely believe me he would leave the second it happened.

I eventually left him and met my husband, he really wanted kids, I thought I didn’t, but we went on to have three and they are trails amazing little people.

You don’t have to change as a person and become all ‘mummy’ lots of different types of mums out there. We all want what’s best for our kids. The best thing is a happy parent.

Good luck to you. Post back and let us know how you get on.

Ah so glad you’ve got real life support then. People can surprise you in good and bad ways, the ones you expect to be there aren’t and the ones you think will be rubbish come through.

I am 15 weeks so not far behind you if you ever want any support or to chat feel free to PM. It’s my second but I am feeling scared all over again! X

@Poppyrose12
Hi there lovely
I just wondered how everything is going for you now. Reading your post was like reading something from my own head.
I am 17 weeks pregnant and I feel EXACTLY the same as you. Only difference is I'm single so there has never been a father involved
I would love to hear from you because I'm just as lost as you were when you wrote this post.
How is everything? I am expecting a boy. But same as you. I feel no love and I never wanted the mum life.
I hope it got better for you xxx

Hi,

Surprisingly everything is going kinda great for me at the minute.

I won’t lie, even after my decision to keep her the thoughts of abortion were still in my head up until it was too late to do anything and sometimes I think did I make the right decision but then it started to change for me. At around 26 weeks I started feeling a little excited to meet her and even now that love isn’t completely there Because it’s still a huge transition for me. There isn’t anything about pregnancy I like (and I would say I’ve had a really good pregnancy) I’ve had no sickness minimal tiredness hormones are balanced (as much as they can be lol) I’ve had no cravings and I sleep well at night but my god I can’t wait to not be pregnant any more.

The thought of being a mom is terrifying to me, I’m not the mushy mom type and I’m not girly in the slightest. But now I’m 33 weeks wishing away the end because the movements gross me out (it reminds me of the mummy returns when the bugs are under the skin for those who have seen it)

I am hoping that I get that instant gush of love when she’s born but I’m also not ignoring the fact that I might not bond straight away or the might get depression because of how it’s been so far. There’s loads of things I still think about even this far along.

I was stuck between two things - not wanting to be a mom or not wanting an abortion and I just decided what I didn’t want more and felt I would regret an abortion, I had counselling and it really took its toll on me as a person.

I honestly think I made the right decision for me and I’m happy with it. For you, you have to think about exactly what you want and feel no guilt about it I had to push all of that to the side. And if you are stuck between the same choice I had. “What do you not want more?”

I hope that helps, I’m a lot more positive about it now but that didn’t happen until 7/8 weeks ago. I’m still not excited to be a mom as such but I’m excited to meet her, and see what she looks like, and if you decide to keep him I hope you’d feel the same way but if you don’t just know that that is ok too.

If you ever want to talk just message me, trust me I hoaxed the internet trying to find someone who felt the same as me and I felt so awful when I thought I was the only one xx

Hi Poppy

I've tried to work out how to private message but can't find an option on the app!

I've woken up today feeling as though I want to abort, when yesterday and the day before I'd started getting excited looking at prams and things. I even announced it on Facebook which I'm now regretting.

This is the worst situation to be in. Everything you say is like I'm saying it, I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

Today I feel as though I could get over the termination but only if it meant I was to do the things I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it I had the baby.

I.e. - I love travel: I recently spent 6 months in America and totally fell in love with the country. Before this happened, I had planned to make it my number one priority to start a new life over there because it's the one place out of all the countries I've visited including my home country, that really felt like home.

I was also planning to invest money into starting up my own business. But with a newborn I'm worried this would never happen.

One thing my friend says that makes me feel better about this and that everything will be ok, is that "no one can regret having a child because of the natural love that comes"
I don't know how true that is, but so many people keep telling me it will be the best thing I would have done

But thoughts of America drive me insane, the life I so wanted that I'll never have if I go ahead with this. I'll watch a film and it'll be based in New York and anyone would have thought I'd just broke up with my boyfriend how much it makes me sob!

I'm really in a pickle and now everyone knows im pregnant I feel like there's no way out at this point, and it makes it all the more crippling.

I like you have had an easy pregnancy, no sickness no crazy hormones just bigger boobs! And that plays on my mind too. It's such an easy pregnancy what if my next one is a nightmare? Is it a sign that I should keep him? 😞

Honestly I totally get everything you're saying and where you're coming from. I haven't been able to find many other people who feel this way either and so I'm glad I found this post.
I'm also very glad you're feeling better about it all. It's so hard. We'll be ok though 💗

Hey

It says your profile is private so it’s probably something todo with that,

I went through so many days where one day I was set on abortion had the consultation and then the next day I was like nope I can’t do it so it’s completely normal.

I had the same thoughts as you I love travelling and I’m quite a selfish person so I’ve always loved the spontaneous free time you have being childless, want to book a flight off I go stay on holiday longer no problem. I was supposed to go to the states this December but because I’m due the beginning of January I had to cancel and I was gutted.

I mentioned the travelling to the counsellor and she replied with “I can’t tell you that it would be easy with a child but can I ask? What makes you think you can’t tackle the world with a child coming along for the journey?” And it was one of those questions that have stuck in my head because I didn’t have an answer. And it applied to everything. It’s not like I go out every night, or go to fancy restaurants every weekend or live anything remotely to that life so why would being a mother be such a hindrance. Other than the fact I didn’t want to be a mom.

I think there are people who regret having children but couldn’t imagine their lives without them at the same time. I couldn’t say to you that I’m completely convinced as bad as that sounds because I still ask myself the same things. Everyone kept telling me the same - it’ll be the making of you, it will be the best thing in the world when you hold her and I can’t fully believe them because I still have doubts and they’re speaking from their experiences not mine.

I was crying all the time too. Some times it would just come over me and I’d cry my eyes out and then pretend nothing was wrong. And it was the same everyone knew I was pregnant and all I kept thinking was no one would forgive me. No one would understand. Our situations are scarily alike.

I spoke to my friend who has had an abortion and my question to her was “ what made you have an abortion” and her reply was simple - “it wasn’t the right time for me” I asked her if she regretted it and she said not for a single second.

The decision to go ahead or abort is such a difficult one. When I started to realise it didnt matter what other people thought or said is when it started to become clearer. I started being so open and when people asked I replied “I hate it” or “ive really struggled”

The decision came down to me and honestly even if you feel guilty, if it’s not the right time for you it’s not the right time. If there is still so much you want to accomplish before children, do it. If the thought of being a mom is worse than an abortion for you then you have to do what’s right for you, if you think you can still do everything you dreamed of with a child there along for the ride then there is your answer.

Of course we’ll be ok. I’m here to talk for anyone who feels even remotely the same as I did! 7 weeks to go for me I’ll let you know if I have a breakdown somewhere inbetween. Xx 🖤

Just sending you some love and hope all is going well still!
I've decided to keep the baby, I'm speaking to a midwife soon about prenatal depression.
Please do keep me updated! Xxx

Do you only have 2-3 weeks to go now?
How are you feeling lovely? Xxx

I think you should start your own thread.

I did - didn't mean to post on here and now I can't delete! Sorry!

If you report your thread to MN they will delete it or move it for you

Hi nonymous1,

I had my baby in Jan and it was the best decision I made to keep her. All the fears I had didn't melt away completely when she was born but now they have and when I look at her I don't feel any bad feelings, she's amazing. The night feeds are a killer though so if anyone has any advice as to how to get her into a routine? Lol.

She's 8 weeks old and feeds 3oz every 3 hours. Wakes 3/4 times a night.

How are you feeling now? I think you're due soon aren't you? How are you getting on? Xx

Hey @Poppyrose12 I'm so glad to read you're happy and it all went well! How are you finding parenthood? How has baby dad been?
My c section is booked for April 20, I am so scared mainly due to covid 19. I'm just starting to get super uncomfortable with the bump being so big too, constant aches and pains and my tummy muscles feel pulled!
I just wasn't him out and here now! 🤣
Gives me so much reassurance to read how well it's going for you, did you get that instant rush of love when you first met her like they say?
X