Single pregnant and don’t think I want my baby at 17 weeks

[Poppyrose12]

Hi sorry for the long post,

Me and my partner have been together for over 6 years now, neither of us wanted kids. Earlier this year I caught unplanned. I was never convinced I wanted a baby but not enough to have an abortion and everyone was so supportive saying my feelings would change. My feelings for not wanting a baby have only grown stronger the further alone I have got, I’m not at all excited and I can’t see a baby in my future. My partner feels the same if not stronger and what’s me to consider abortion or adoption because none of us really want this child however my problem is because I’m 17 weeks my whole family know and are excited and buying things, we know the gender and to make such a big decision I have to be 100% sure and I can’t be. It is my first pregnancy and I’m so scared of the risks or that I’ll regret my decision it’s putting me in between a rock and a hard place. As the only decision my partner can make he has decided that if I continue with the pregnancy then he will play no part, not even meet the baby when it’s born.

I feel stuck and trapped and I don’t know what to do.

That is such a hard situation to be in. I don’t really have any advice except try and follow your heart and do what is right for you (not your husband or family but you). Everything else will work our somehow. Good luck

Thank you for your reply Gerbi1, it’s so hard because now I don’t know what I want or what to do, everyone has an opinion and I know it’s my choice, I’ve never had an abortion before so how I would feel or the aftermath is what scares me the most because I know that even with the way I feel now, when it comes I would feel completely different. Am I selfish for not wanting my life to change.

1. Your partner is being very unsupportive here. I wouldn't be impressed. Is he influencing your decision?

1. If you are worried about what to tell your family, I guess that miscarriages are common so you could pass it off as that.

1. I'm on the fence about having children and have done a lot of research. I'm not at all maternal or broody, but so many people say that this comes when you have your own that I do believe them. I guess an exception would be if you get post natal depression and I guess having a long term partner abandon you could increase that risk.

Actually, from your last post it sounds like you are worried that you will regret an abortion, is that right? Are you sure you actually want an abortion in the first place?

It doesnt matter that your family are excited, it is going to impact your life forever. If you chose to have an abortion then you can tell them you had a miscarriage, sadly it happens all the time. Make sure you do it for you though and not because your bf has said he doesnt want a baby.

When I found out I was pregnant I knew instantly that I was going to continue with the pregnancy regardless of the fact I was at Uni and would have to ove back home. If you have had the opposite feelings then you should probably trust them. However, you need to talk to someone sooner rather than later as it’ll soon be too late, in another couple of weeks you’ll be able to feel kicks and it’ll make it even harder.

Why do you think you don’t want children? If you can work out why then you’ll be able to make a better decision.

Good luck it is a very difficult decision to make.

Would you consider making an appointment at a BPAS or Marie Stopes centre? They won't pressure you and can offer you some counselling. And if you think you even might consider abortion at this stage, it's best to get the processes started asap. If you decide it's NOT what you want you can walk away at any time. I would call them today tbh.

You could also tell your midwife you think you are depressed and ask for a referral to perinatal mental health.

It's possible you will love your baby if you decide to continue and will adapt fine. Or you could consider giving the baby for adoption - the Adoption board here can give you some advice on that too. No course of action from here is easy or free of pain unfortunately. But listen to yourself - it's your decision ultimately. Best wishes

By the way, having a child o your own isn’t as awful as many people make out especially if you start off that way. It sounds like you have a really supportive family which is brilliant. Going it alone can be easier, you know you only have your self to rely on so you don’t resent the other parent for not pulling their weight. Sleepless nights are hard but its a lot easier to relax and go to bed early to recuperate if you don’t have a partner who puts demands on your time. If you don’t keep your house immaculate there’s no one to ask “What did. You do all day?” In a few years your child will grow and be brilliant company, its relatively easy to parent an only child and you become a great little team. Financially it can be tricky for the first could of years but once they are at school you earning potential increases and you don’t have to pay for another adult and days out etc are cheaper.

I’m just trying to show you that going it alone doesnt have to be awful, if you decide to continue your pregnancy. I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way. DDs day reacted like your partner however once she was born he stepped up and is a good dad now.

What helped me decide was would I rather get to 35 and have a career but potentially never have the chance to have another baby, or have a baby at 23 and have a slower career.

After 6 years together you'd think your partner would be more supportive - do you mind me asking how old both of you are?

Lots of people say they don't want kids then have a wake up call in their late thirties when theyre already in fertility decline and wonder why the can't have a baby and then have major regrets

Thank you for all of your replies,

He isn’t and hasn’t pressured me in anyway he’s made his decision but said understands whatever I do.

I have a lot of children in my life, nieces and nephews which I see all the time and it’s lovely but I’ve never been maternal or broody and the part where you give them back is amazing. I decided a few years ago I didn’t want kids. It’s just not me i never have been. I’m the fun aunt and wanted it to stay that way.

Now I’m in this position where I never thought I would be. And everyone keeps telling me it will change And thought all the negative feelings would go away, but I haven’t connected at all I don’t get excited to shop, to see the scans, I try not to talk about it all together. I fast forward through baby adverts and I’ve even avoided going to see my friend who’s just had a baby.

All of that leads to I don’t want this baby. But the feeling of regretting doing it because I know I would love her and give her a great life, the feeling of knowing I’m so far gone and how I would let people down if I did it paralyses me. And when I think about either option becoming a parent or abortion it literally sends me into a panic attack.

I have midwife tomorrow and I want to speak to her then. I’m just so confused

Sorry we’re both 27 x

I was never maternal at your age either - getting married was more of a priority for me. All of a sudden I hit 30 and had a miscarriage and it was like a bomb going off and I realised how much I wanted to be a mummy

The fact you call the baby she rather than it suggests you do have some kind of connection to her but maybe you're not allowing yourself to bond because of the way your partner is behaving?

I have to be honest here and tell you that if you make the decision to abort by the time it happens you will be around 20 weeks and many places will say you have to give birth? (An acquaintance had to do that at 24 weeks after they gave her an injection to stop the heart) Could you do that?

Choosing abortion is of course your decision but you really don't have long now to decide what to do? Talk it through with the midwife - maybe ask your partner to leave for a couple of weeks and see what life would look like on your own? Perhaps with some breathing space etc you'll see that you don't actually want/ need him

And to be honest if my partner did that to me - whether I kept the baby or not - I would end the relationship

Lots of people say they don't want kids then have a wake up call in their late thirties when theyre already in fertility decline and wonder why the can't have a baby and then have major regrets

Do they? I've never seen it. Not on mumsnet or reddit etc.

@IStillMissBlockbuster
Yup on the infertility boards and also pretty much every miscarriage group I'm on - significant number didn't want kids in their 20s and 30s and then hit 39/40 and suddenly decided to start ttc x

I think an abortion this late on will be very tough both mentally and physically due to the size and development of the baby. Discuss with the midwife, but as said above I think there's a risk you would have to give birth and that could be quite harrowing. I think in your position I would continue with the pregnancy and see how I feel once the baby arrives. You can always give the baby up for adoption then, although I appreciate that that would be very difficult to do in the face of family pressure once the baby is here. I think gathering more information on what an abortion would entail and seeking some counselling is the best way forwards in helping you make the right decision for you.

@Singleandproud what a lovely well balanced post

@bionicnemonic

It was a nice post, but it wasn’t balanced.

OP - you must be certain either way, that this is what you want. ask you midwife to help you access counselling as an urgent referral, and speak to somebody impartial.

And good luck- whichever way you go, it’s not going to be easy. I really really feel for you

Thank you all, I really appreciate everything you’ve said, I’ll speak to the midwife and see what my options are x

It wasn’t balanced because Ive never experienced the alternative. I’m not anti-abortion but I have experience an unplanned pregnancy and hopefully the OP will be able to chose the best course of action for herself and her situation. Some people don’t want a child because they don’t want to or don’t think they can do it alone. I was just trying to explain that its not as awful as many people first think.

And what I meant by 'balanced' was that it was nice to read a post about single parenthood that was positive rather than fearful

What a tough position to be in OP, I would second other posters who would seriously question the love of your partner who could walk away from you if you chose to keep the baby. I love my DS more than anything but during the pregnancy I didn't feel a love per se for the baby in me and it wasn't the instant rush when he was born it was more like a growing obsession over his first week of life, I'm just trying to say don't put pressure on yourself to feel all the fairytale emotions because that's just not some women but it doesn't make you any less of a mother when they arrive and if you decide to keep her

I am very non maternal. Never, ever going to have a baby. I hit 29 and hormones raged. The never going to have babies are now aged 24 and 18! So, in a way I get why people say 'things will change'. I am not maternal at all in the wafting around going gooey over babies kind of way so I know what you mean by never wanting kids.

The difficulty you have is that you have a known thing (your partner) whom you fear you will lose and an unknown thing ( baby) that you fear you may regret losing. Regret, fear, worry and anxiety are all making you want to hide. I would gently point out that you have let yourself get to 17 weeks possibly because it is nearing the point of no return because you didn't really want to make the abortion decision much much earlier. Now that point of no return is here you are panicking, and frankly, you are quite normal in feeling this panic. It's a bit like you have signed up for a sky dive for charity and you are at the point where you've got to jump out of the airplane. The person you thought was going to jump with you and you'd hold hands has backed out and is now sitting in the seat at the front with his headphones on and you can see the tiny dots of family and friends down below expectantly looking up at the plane. Everyone would be shitting themselves. You have to weigh up the fall out of jumping or not.

I think an abortion at 20 weeks would be very distressing. Even Without the whole emotional thing, it would be a very medical procedure. Personally, I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who was essentially sitting at the front of the plane with their headphones on occasionally yelling 'not my problem' at me whilst I had to cope with the physical and mental realities of a 19 or 20 week abortion. I presume you have had scans, etc, too. He will expect ( because he just won't 'get' the whole hormonal, visceral, medical fallout of an abortion) things to return to normal with you guys. I cannot see how it can.

It is very difficult when everyone is excited. Do his parents know he has said he is not being involved? What are their thoughts on this. I get the sense from your post that if he said, I'll take my headphones off and jump too, then you'd go ahead even though you are scared witless and are sort of doing this for other people. Having reread your post, it is lack of involvement that is impacting you. It's fine to not feel overwhelmingly attached to your baby and subconsciously you probs haven't let yourself. It's also fine not to like kids that much - mine are fine but other people's....nah. Perhaps you are expecting to be some earth mother overwhelmed with love and attachment fuelled by family excitement. They can be excited but you are going to deal with the reality of the situation and it is ok to think 'oh shit' on a frequent basis.

Just best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Make sure it is the right thing for YOU and be aware that this is a life experience just like big things like bereavement, marriage, moving country, divorce, changing careers, education...and just like those 'big' things you decision now will change the course of your life majorly or slightly - who knows - but there will be change physically and emotionally.

I am also "non maternal". I never understood people who get broody when they see babies, feel the need to cuddle every baby. I can't stand other people's kids, I find them so irritating! I always said I never wanted children, but when I had my first I adapted. I felt different when he was born because I knew he was mine. It took a little while to bond, but I was young. Now I'd do anything for my children.

Still hate other people's though 😂

@Flyingarcher has articulated what I wanted to say way better than I could.

Also, as much as this is your body and your decision from that perspective, this baby is also your partners, and for him to just stand back and take no responsibility and leave you to make a decision like this on your own is so incredibly selfish of him. Regardless of the choice you make I would question his commitment to you, and anyone other than himself frankly. You deserve better than that, and so do any children of his.

I also not long met my brothers new daughter. He handed her to me and I didn't even know what to do with her... so I gave her back. I still don't have that maternal instinct with others!

Please don't make a decision based on your partner. You might say the way he's been hasn't had an impact on how you feel.
But you may have felt slightly different had he been supportive.

Your partner is an utter shit and regardless of what you decide about the baby, please don't waste any more of your time with someone who doesn't truly love you. I'm so angry on your behalf.