Hi,
I'm posting this because a few months ago I genuinely wanted to die and in those dark days I spent hours looking for answers and reassurance online. So I hope this message helps somebody...
My antenatal depression kicked in immediately (6 or 8 weeks). This is an IVF pregnancy, so supposedly a much wanted baby!! I cried through the 12 week scan and had to pretend they were tears of happiness. Everytime somebody congratulated us, I felt guilty because my brain was telling me that I did not want to be pregnant. I cried a lot, I became distant from my husband, I lost interest in everything and regularly thought about suicide or abortion. I also had terrifying intrusive thoughts about potentially harming the baby when it arrived. I know that's awful, but I think it's important to tell the truth. And, to top it all, I stopped sleeping. For the first 16 weeks of the pregnancy I slept a maximum of 2-3 hours per night and frankly my life was falling apart. The first GP I saw ( a man) said there was nothing they could do and that 'some women find pregnancy a natural anti-depressant'. I'm here to tell you not to accept rubbish like that. There is help out there, it can take a while to access it, but keep trying. I booked another appointment with a different GP (at this point my husband was afraid to leave me alone things were so bad) and she was much more useful. With her help I accessed our local perinatal mental health team and within a week I was receiving weekly visits from a perinatal mental health midwife and had been referred to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The waiting list for counselling via GP would have been 6-9 months, so going via the perinatal route was vital. I dread to think what would have happened if I'd had to wait for help. I know the help I've just listed sounds a bit scary and full on, but it was actually wonderful. I started weekly talking therapy with the psychologist (I've never been a believer before but it really helped) and saw the psychiatrist twice. The psychiatrist convinced me that I'd become so depressed I needed some chemical help to rebalance the chemicals in my brain, so after torturing myself with guilt for a few more weeks I started on a low dose of Sertraline (25mg). I won't lie, things got worse before they got better - apparently that happens on SSRIs. My anxiety attacks increased and my insomnia got even worse. However, after about 8/9 weeks (you really have to stick with it!) I noticed that I was having fewer dark thoughts. I experienced a dip again a few weeks later, but that's because of my low dose. I'm now 29 weeks and taking 50mg. I have regular growth scans because it's an IVF pregnancy and all is fine with baby. But most importantly, I'm back! I'm buying things for the baby, I'm excited and I'm now sleeping 6/7 hours per night despite of all the back aches and usual pregnancy ailments etc! I am at greater risk of PND when baby arrives, but because I've already accessed the perinatal team, they will be there to support me If I need it. I no longer see the perinatal midwife every week, but I have continued with the counselling. Anyway, I hope this cheers somebody up who might be feeling that they will never be themselves again. Couple of things I've learnt from this experience: 1. Perinatal mental health help varies lots depending on where you live and there is very low awareness amongst GPs that it exists. Do your own research as if you rely on being referred you might miss out. 2. Anti depressants are NOT a quick fix, but they do work. It felt like a long time before mine kicked in. I was constantly googling to see why mine weren't working 3. Insomnia and anxiety are linked, so your sleep will improve when you're calmer. You're probably convinced you'll never sleep again ( I was) but you will. I read lots of articles about Magnesium being good for insomnia and stress so found a really high quality supplement (be careful if your multivit already contains it) and it has worked absolute wonders! Within 2 weeks it had lessened my restless legs and alongside the sertraline, had improved my sleep. Oh and extra bonus, it also cured my preggo constipation - double bonus!! (But be careful how much you take as it can make things loose......!!) . Anyway, very sorry for long ramble, but hope this helps somebody x