Antenatal/prenatal depression: IT DOES GET BETTER

[Gazzio1980]

Hi,

I'm posting this because a few months ago I genuinely wanted to die and in those dark days I spent hours looking for answers and reassurance online. So I hope this message helps somebody...

My antenatal depression kicked in immediately (6 or 8 weeks). This is an IVF pregnancy, so supposedly a much wanted baby!! I cried through the 12 week scan and had to pretend they were tears of happiness. Everytime somebody congratulated us, I felt guilty because my brain was telling me that I did not want to be pregnant. I cried a lot, I became distant from my husband, I lost interest in everything and regularly thought about suicide or abortion. I also had terrifying intrusive thoughts about potentially harming the baby when it arrived. I know that's awful, but I think it's important to tell the truth. And, to top it all, I stopped sleeping. For the first 16 weeks of the pregnancy I slept a maximum of 2-3 hours per night and frankly my life was falling apart. The first GP I saw ( a man) said there was nothing they could do and that 'some women find pregnancy a natural anti-depressant'. I'm here to tell you not to accept rubbish like that. There is help out there, it can take a while to access it, but keep trying. I booked another appointment with a different GP (at this point my husband was afraid to leave me alone things were so bad) and she was much more useful. With her help I accessed our local perinatal mental health team and within a week I was receiving weekly visits from a perinatal mental health midwife and had been referred to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The waiting list for counselling via GP would have been 6-9 months, so going via the perinatal route was vital. I dread to think what would have happened if I'd had to wait for help. I know the help I've just listed sounds a bit scary and full on, but it was actually wonderful. I started weekly talking therapy with the psychologist (I've never been a believer before but it really helped) and saw the psychiatrist twice. The psychiatrist convinced me that I'd become so depressed I needed some chemical help to rebalance the chemicals in my brain, so after torturing myself with guilt for a few more weeks I started on a low dose of Sertraline (25mg). I won't lie, things got worse before they got better - apparently that happens on SSRIs. My anxiety attacks increased and my insomnia got even worse. However, after about 8/9 weeks (you really have to stick with it!) I noticed that I was having fewer dark thoughts. I experienced a dip again a few weeks later, but that's because of my low dose. I'm now 29 weeks and taking 50mg. I have regular growth scans because it's an IVF pregnancy and all is fine with baby. But most importantly, I'm back! I'm buying things for the baby, I'm excited and I'm now sleeping 6/7 hours per night despite of all the back aches and usual pregnancy ailments etc! I am at greater risk of PND when baby arrives, but because I've already accessed the perinatal team, they will be there to support me If I need it. I no longer see the perinatal midwife every week, but I have continued with the counselling. Anyway, I hope this cheers somebody up who might be feeling that they will never be themselves again. Couple of things I've learnt from this experience: 1. Perinatal mental health help varies lots depending on where you live and there is very low awareness amongst GPs that it exists. Do your own research as if you rely on being referred you might miss out. 2. Anti depressants are NOT a quick fix, but they do work. It felt like a long time before mine kicked in. I was constantly googling to see why mine weren't working 3. Insomnia and anxiety are linked, so your sleep will improve when you're calmer. You're probably convinced you'll never sleep again ( I was) but you will. I read lots of articles about Magnesium being good for insomnia and stress so found a really high quality supplement (be careful if your multivit already contains it) and it has worked absolute wonders! Within 2 weeks it had lessened my restless legs and alongside the sertraline, had improved my sleep. Oh and extra bonus, it also cured my preggo constipation - double bonus!! (But be careful how much you take as it can make things loose......!!) . Anyway, very sorry for long ramble, but hope this helps somebody x

Sorry, one more thing, you’ll can even ask for anti depression medicine like sertraline in a liquid form, which means you can start off on a tiny dose and build up gradually

Holly, if you can get the support you need then you will build a relationship with your child and grow to bond with them even if you don’t have the father around. I really struggled until I got a diagnosis of PND, medication and now accessing a mindfulness course; it’s made such a difference to being with my son. I’m a single mother too.

Hello,

Thought it might be useful to post an update. After a traumatic birth that ended in an emergency c section, my baby boy arrived. He’s now 7 weeks old and perfectly healthy (despite me being on antidepressants). It’s been tough and I was weepy the first 3 weeks, but ‘normal’
weepy, not PND. It’s hard, because he’s not big on sleep right now, but I’m coping. Do I love him? YES. But it’s been a slow growing process. I think that idea that they’re handed to you in hospital and you automatically adore them is a myth, so don’t judge yourself on that. Newborns don’t give much back! It takes a while for them to become cute and interesting! Anyway, I’m coping and for now my dose is the same. You can get through this, have a baby and love it. But don’t believe the films. It takes time and work.

Hi, just found this thread. Am in hospital with ante natal depression again for respite. The second time in as many weeks. The psychiatrist has increased the dose of the mood stabiliser I'm on, but apparently it can take weeks to work. I''m 35 weeks now and I just want the baby out. I can;t stand feeling like this, I just can't. My consultant said they'd schedule a section for 39 weeks, but it has now been scheduled for 39 + 6, which is shit. I cant go on like this. I just can't. I feel guilty for taking up a bed, I don;t think the midwives really understand why I'm here. They keep saying they'll organise CPNs and the crisis team to come and visit me in my house, but that's the last thing I want. The only things that bring me joy at the moment are my kids and the thought of my baby coming. This is hell.

It is hell, but I promise it ends. In so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t be too quick to refuse the in home help, it really worked for me. Say yes to any support that they offer. But above all, remember this is absolutely temporary. This is not how you’ll be forever. The real you is still in there xx

Hey @OP.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant, sitting crying in my pyjamas in my absolute state of a house that I just do not have the energy to even think about cleaning. Eating and washing are too much right now.

This thread is the first thing i've read anywhere that actually describes how I feel. I see all of these women on social media talking about their pregnancy like it's the best thing in the world, when to me it's honestly the worst. I can't read the other pregnancy forums anymore because everyone seems so happy and 'normal' and how I 'should' be feeling. Every time someone congratulates me it actually hurts. I had anxiety and depression before I got pregnant so knew this might be an issue, but really did not consider what an incredibly dark place I could end up in. My partner is amazing but unfortunately I can't stand him right now, the way he smells and breathes and talks is driving me insane and I think that is actually upsetting me the most. I don't want to be near him, and just want to be on my own in bed doing nothing. What kind of a mother does this make me?? Am I stuck in this house for the next 18 years?? Is my life over?? Before I got pregnant I dreamt of having a bump, and now the thought makes me feel sick.

I have remained on my Citalopram 20mg that I was taking before I got pregnant, and my GP contacted the local Perinatal Mental Health Unit who have referred me on to CBT, I feel like I will struggle to get out of the house but maybe it will be good to push myself.

Sorry I don't really know why I'm babbling away I just needed to get it all out there really and say thank you for writing your first post.

@rosiesposies. The way you feel now is nothing to do with what kind of mother you’ll be, I promise. I didn’t want to get dressed, I couldn’t be bothered speaking to my husband or my friends....some days it was too much effort to brush my teeth. But I’m now replying to you one handed with my baby son in my other arm. He’s happy and I’m happy. Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is hard, but I’m coping with it’s challenges and enjoying the good bits. I thought I’d hurt him, or neglect him and none of that came true. Don’t underestimate the impact all the extra hormones will be having on your existing anxiety and depression. Take all the help you can. Think about speaking to your GP about a temporary increase in dosage and MAKE yourself tell people your feelings. It will be ok. I know that’s difficult that believe, but 12 months ago I wanted to hang myself....and I’m still here : ) x

Thank you so much for your response @op. Did you have any experiences of increasing medication during your pregnancy at all? I am keen to do this now and will be speaking to my GP on Monday. I have spent all afternoon looking into terminations and am at an all time low.

@rosiesposies Yes, I was originally on mirtazapine before the pregnancy. Before we started the IVf a go said I had to come off that, but didn’t advise an alternative. I now know that was bad advice. During the pregnancy I then took 25mg of setraline, but that had to be increased to 50. The increase made the anxiety worse for about a week, but I gradually started to feel much better. The meds weren’t a quick fix, but in combo with talking therapy it made a big difference. I’m still on 50mg now and that seems to keep me nicely stable without being emotionless! X

Thank you so much for posting this. I suffered ante-natal anxiety with my first pregnancy that started at 4+4 and continued until the day after I miscarried at 7 weeks. It was the worst three weeks of my life, like you, I was suicidal and contemplated abortion.

It's left me terrified of getting pregnant again, but this gives me some hope it might get better. Thank you, thank you.

Another message to say thank you for posting this. Antenatal depression is a real and scary thing and it's exceptionally hard to talk about. I have two children and I'm pregnant with my third. My first pregnancy was normal. My second pregnancy was unbearable. I developed depression within 12 weeks, and it lasted pretty much up to the birth. I felt hopless and suicidal, and just like lots of the other mums on the thread here I couldn't cope with the pregnancy. I'd hold back the years when people congratulated me, even though I'd wanted to get pregnant! I was also referred to a specialist midwifery team, and paid for a private councillor which helped massively. I was terrified of post natal depression, but luckily my symptoms disappeared once baby arrived. All my fears had been unfounded; I loved my new baby with all of my heart and couldn't imagine life without her. Skip forward two years and I'm pregnant again and unfortunately the prenatal depression has reared its head again. I'm 16 weeks and feel hopeless, lost and like I want to die again. My only saving grace this time is that I know that it doesn't last forever.

@mambear Firstly, I just want to say that you are SO brave for being willing to risk going through this again. We’ve decided to stick with one as the experience was so frightening. Keep telling yourself that it will pass. You’ve got through it before. It’s hormones. It’s chemicals. It is NOT you. The real you is the loving mother. Lots of luck xxx

It's good to read that someone has come out the other side. I'm 21 weeks and 1 week into medication - something I wish I hadn't resisted for so long, but the thought of medication petrified me as I was convinced I would hurt my baby.

I've been under the perinatal midwife since 11 weeks and am seeing the psychiatrist in 2 weeks time. Really hoping that I get some helpful support that will make each day easier.

After 3 weeks off work I'm going to try and get back to functioning in the real world again on Monday - again absolutely petrified that it will be a step back in the wrong direction.

@TheWanderlust I resisted meds too, I felt so much guilt. But my little boy is 100% fit and well....and if I hadn’t taken those tablets I genuinely think that neither he or I would be here. So actually, you’re being the best mum you can be by accepting the help! Going back to work will be hard, but I actually found having something to distract myself from all the thoughts was really helpful. And it gave my day structure. Hang on in there xx

Hi all

Thought I’d msg on here to offload a little. I’m 15+3 today and suffering with depression and anxiety like I’ve never known before. I didn’t know antenatal d/a was a thing but I am absolutely floored by it.

I’ve recently been put under the care of the home crisis team and my meds changed from sertraline > to fluoxetine and finally now, mirtazapine. Lawdy, I hope the mirt works, I’m at a loss with what to do otherwise. They’ve also prescribed a sedating antehistamine called promethazine to help with the anxiety. Don’t how much help that will really be but they have given me the option of an antipsychotic med for anxiety if need be. I thought I’d try the antihistamine first.

I feel so lost. I suffered a miscarriage just over 15 weeks ago and was so gutted, I was just desperate to be pregnant again. Well my wish came true 2 weeks later but I’m hindsight, maybe I should have waited bc I’ve felt nothing but distress about this pregnancy. I’m beyond terrified, I just don’t know if I can do it. The m/c pregnancy wasn’t planned but I was excited nevertheless, the follow on pregnancy couldn’t be any further from that.

Believe me, I am not suicidal but I fear this will get worse and I won’t see a way out. I don’t believe that makes me suicidal bc it’s literally the last thing I want but I’m absolutely terrified it will go that way so I’m scared to be left on my own.
Why can’t I just be excited :( I can’t believe what pregnancy has done for my mental state, it’s utter madness. Literally.

If anyone has experience with mirtazapine and may be able to shed some light, I’d be so so grateful.

Sorry, was just nice to vent online rather than to family and friends

Love to you all, suffering xxx

I am in floods reading this. It's partly relief that I'm not alone but partly fear that it will take meds etc to get better.
I'm 4 or 5 weeks with my third. We kept going back and forth on a third and eventually decided to give it a go and it happened fast. Now I'm terrified. I can't imagine being pregnant again, I can't face going all the way back to the beginning again just as I was getting some of me back (other two are 5 and 2.5 now) and really wondering how the hell I'm going to handle three. Will they get on? Will I mess up the lovely bond between my two children now? Will it put pressure on my marriage having all that lack of sleep and extra reliance on my husband? I can't even say the word pregnant. I feel so sick all the time with anxiety. I just cannot imagine having a baby all over again. It feels like i said goodbye to that part of me and to go again is to go backwards. My husband is sympathetic to a point but as this was my idea I don't think he's massively patient with it. Plus I think he's scared I'm going to start talking abortion. Which is absolutely not an option. I haven't contacted the GP because I just don't want to confront it. Help, someone, please xx

I’m currently 28+2 and have also been searching the internet for answers to why I feel like this.
I have a little boy who’s nearly 3 and he’s my world. I’ve gotten myself into a state of depression because I don’t feel like I love this baby as much as my first born. I feel completely unprepared, have next to no support from my other half and every time I approach the subject with him he tells me to ‘stop being silly’
If only he knew the full extent.
I don’t want any harm to come to this baby at all, but I do think that both baby and 3 year old would be better off without me. I’m such a negative influence in their lives. I’m always sad, or shouting, or bringing the mood down.
I can’t sleep, hardly eating (which I know isn’t good for baby) and have totally disconnected myself from all friends. The family who can bare to be around me for more than a few minutes say I make their lives hard which is cementing in my brain that I shouldn’t be here. I’ve taken myself to lakes and bridges and on more than one occasion I’ve thought about ending it all but never do as the thought of never seeing my kids again physically hurts. I could never do that to them.
I’m so scared to bring this up with my health visitor and midwife as I’m embarrassed, ashamed and absolutely terrified that I’ll have my kids taken away from me.
Please someone tell me how long I will feel like this?

@wishingonastar86

So sorry to hear you’re struggling. I was on mirtazapine before I was pregnant. I found it helped me, particularly with the chronic insomnia I had. All I’d say is that it did make me sleepy and a bit dozy. I’m glad you’ve asked for help. Try not to worry that you’re ‘going mad’ a lot of this WILL be hormonal. Hormones from the miscarriage and the new pregnancy. I know it’s virtually impossible to believe, but it will start to get better. Don’t worry about not feeling excited, it will come. Give yourself time x

@rocky82 I know it’s hard to confront it, but I would really urge you to go to the GP. I know from experience that this isn’t something that fixes itself 😕. I only have one baby so I’m afraid I can’t help too much advising you about how it will impact your bond with your other two. All I would say is that I bet after your first you thought you could never love another thing/person as much.....and yet you did! Humans have huge capacity for love and care, that’s why we have multiple friends and love multiple family members. I know it’s hard to believe but it WILL be ok. I was in the worst state imaginable and now I’m back to my normal self x

@janeym22 Firstly, I can guarantee that your family would NOT want to be without you. That is depression talking, it’s not real. Please speak to your midwife. Nobody will take your children, they will just give you extra support. I admitted I thought that I might hurt my baby and they didn’t judge me, or arrest me, they just helped because they understood I was ill. Please take care x

I was just wondering if anyone is still active on this thread and how everyone is doing?

@ElizabethSawyer I'm suffering with HG and although don't have feelings as intense as the other posters yet I am worried I'm going to end up feeling very down just because of so much sickness

I too have HG, and it is such a lonely and isolating journey. I started to feel low as the sickness eased off a bit. It's really positive that you're already looking out for the symptoms of antenatal depression because that means you're more likely to spot it early and get the help you need.

Since last posting I am now 31+6 and have recently had a little scare with regards to little one. I was told he hadn’t grown in a month and the very thought of losing him absolutely terrified me. All the feelings of love suddenly hit me and I realised I had to change. I found speaking to the midwife very helpful as she put me in touch with some professional help. Now I feel better, not 100% but definitely on the right road.
It does get better everyone xxx

How is the baby now? Has he grown? I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better and it is so so helpful
to hear that it does get better. Thank you