I spend every day angry or crying. I've got PND and I don't know what to do

[awfulmumshithead]

I can't go to the doctor. I CAN'T.

I won't take tablets. I WON'T.

I shout at everyone. I can't cope. I can't sleep at night. I don't know if it's depression or if I'm going mad.

I'm a regular. I've changed my name.

I just want to kill myself. I'm supposed to be happy.

I think I can cope for a day or two and then something goes wrong like I lose something and it makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I can't stop shaking. I shout at my husband and my baby. Then I get so upset that I slap myself in the face because I hate being alive and being such an awful person. Then I feel nothing. Then I just want to sleep. Maybe a day later I feel like I'll just magically fix everything only it always goes wrong and I get angry again.

My family would be better off without me. I know they would.

Please, please, please don't tell me to go to the doctor. I don't want anyone to know what a failure I am.

LeonieDelt I don't judge you!

Didn't know that about the pills.

Yeah Michelle, I am really happy for you, so glad you got something that worked and I truly wish you all the best for the future. Please when you feel lots and lots better pop back on and let us bunch of stuck to the screen mumsnetters (ok thats just me :)) know how you are. love to you and yours xx

Michelle I wish you all the best and I hope you reconsider and stay on MN. I didn't think you were a troll at all (just very desperate) but it is amazing how a thread can turn on someone like that, often when it is perceived that the offered advice isn't being taken.

Glad you're feeling better, long may it continue :)

Michelle I am so, so pleased for you, and delighted that you're getting your (black) sense of humour back.

I would love to read a book by you about the joys of new parenthood.

I wanted to say well done to your DH. As hard as this has been for you, he must also have been struggling, and good on him for making sure you got some tablets that help him. And the GP for making sure too.

I think the troll mentioners were more nervous than accusatory, having exposed their most vulnerable sides is a bit scary. The MNet banning thing all seemed to make it look wierd, I think. Rambling...sorry!

I thought it was going really well. I felt much better this morning. Then I tried to feed him his breakfast. He wouldn't eat it. Here's another confession; I've been too frightened to give him his food about 50% of the time. He shakes his head and won't take it and I get so frustrated because I know he will wake up in the night hungry and It makes me so angry and upset that I'm scared to even try. I've tried giving him food to eat himself but he just gets big bits of it stuck in his mouth and won't spit them out. He's on a high percentile but it's so bad of me. I just feel like I'd rather throw myself in front of a train that try to get him to eat some porridge.

It was all going so well so I tried to feed him and he had a few spoonfuls and then he started shaking his head and crying and I really tried to be patient I really did I said to myself i'll be ok i'll be ok i'll sit here as long as it takes but after twenty minutes I just snapped and threw the spoon down and picked him up and shouted what do you want at him really loudly and he just burst into tears. I've told my husband he needs to come home and get him and now i'm sat in the corner crying. I just want someone to take the baby away because i'm a bad mum. I'm not as angry as I was as I would've been but I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm so sad. I'm sorry i've let you all down too. I thought I was ok I really did. So stupid to think I would be alright after one day. It just that feeding him is the most frightening thing for me and i'm not ready. My husband has a really important job too and he's letting everybody down too

michelle you are not a useless mum. You are getting help and your baby will be fine once he's had a cuddle.

How old is your DS?

One step at a time. What do you think about the time you feed him, try telling yourself 'It doesn't matter if he doesn't eat his porridge'. It may be easier on you instead of putting the pressure on yourself to 'sit there as long as it takes'.

next time you feed him, doh.

You are not a bad mum. If he is gaining weight it is fine. Whatever.

You do not have to force feed your child.

I admit, my kids ate a lot of finger food. My first probably threw more of his food around the room than went in his mouth. You either accept it (and have a lot of plastic sheets and newspaper around the high chair), or just stop the food when he protests.

Sometimes the shaking head and clamped shut mouth is just as much exploring as sucking their feet etc. It really isn't personal. It is hard because feeding our famlies is often a very emotionally charged thing for women (I admit I have/do yell at my kids when I cook a meal and it is greeted by "yuck" by my kids).

If possible talk to your health visitor and see if you can get a homestart volunteer. They are trained, and won't judge you, but may be able to give you little tips, and a break to help you cope.

Do also try to get outside, enjoy the sun, forget what the house is like. My first was also a nightmare unless we got out of the house by 9 am everyday; and it helped me feel better too.

He's nearly nine months old. Too old to not eat his food. I don't know why he won't eat. Some days he eats it but then I try to give him the same thing another time and he won't take it. I actually shake with fear when I'm making him something to eat but today I was merrily making it and he had the first few spoonfuls and I was thinking great! Then he just stopped. He's having a breast feed now though and gone to sleep. He just had a nap at 9 though.

I could be ok and get better but looking after a baby is just so hard. It's like every single you do goes wrong but you can't give up, you just have to keep going on and on and on even though you know every day is just a long series of failures. It's like working in a coal mine and trying to keep your hands clean. It's just impossible.

Ok maybe it's the tablets or maybe it's just that he's gone to sleep but I have calmed down a lot quicker than normal. My husband is really annoyed with me though because he's just raced home and been sent away again. He's not angry though, he's disappointed. Disappointment is so much worse!

Phew I think the tablets are helping after all. They've definitely minimised that darkness

Hope you're able to have a rest while he's sleeping.

The thing you said about failure, none of it is, especially in your baby's eyes. For him it's enough just to have you there.

Try not to set yourself up by measuring anything that you're doing, especially in terms like success or failure. And mummytime's advice about fresh air is spot on.

By the way, my DS didn't eat more than a couple of mouthfuls of anything until
he was 12 months old. It didn't matter because I could look at him and see he was healthy and thriving. And I'm sure your DS is the same.

michelle, hang on in there, one day at a time - you are making progress.

My dd just had breast milk til about 12 months as she wasn't fussed about eating anything else.

She's now 13 and the tallest in her class! Breast milk is fab and if he's getting a few mouthfuls of anything else it sounds just right. He'll soon develop his appetite.

STOP being so hard on yourself! Deep breaths, relax, tell yourself you're doing your best. Step by step you'll move onwards and upwards.

Thanks everyone. You're all right, I know he won't let himself starve to death. It just takes me so much willpower to get myself up and make the food and strap him into his seat and make sure it's the right temperature and then for him to refuse it... It's actually painful. I try my hardest in my head to pretend that I don't exist and that I'm just a robotic arm with a spoon on the end of it but it's a pretty bleak way to spend your day.

I suppose I should just plonk some toast in front of him and let him squash it into his ears if that's what takes his fancy. You just invest so much energy into your children that it's hard to be truly devil may care about meal times.

remember milk will be his main soiurce of nurition for a while yet.

try not to stress about his not eating. my boy is the same age, and i think today he has eaten half a cereal bar and two bottles of milk. he'll throw his lunch around the table, and same for dinner. but he is growing. as your boy is :)

at immediate responses of 3 different breastfeeding MNers whose babies barely ate solids before 1.

We are not alone

same applies to formula feeders. or maybe just me cos i'm not used to FF yet. but just keep offering him milk :)

Hi Michelle

It's ok. My DS, also nearly 9mo (9th Jan) used to eat beautifully. Three weeks ago he just stopped. He shakes his head and clamps his mouth shut. The day before yesterday he only ate a banana.

The thing is as everyone says, if he's having bm he will be fine. What I'm doing is giving up on meals for him for the time being, it's too heart breaking when he refuses. He has his milk (formula for us but bm for you) apart from that i offer bananas, pears, yogurts, bits of my sandwich. If he seems hungry and eats a bit of them he can have an ellaskitchen or a weetabix. It'll be fine - milk is nutritionally complete anyway.

We can cook them elaborate meals in a few years time!

I know you felt better this morning but it is early days. Pack a banana and your boob and go for a nice walk :)

michelle, what you said is bang on! It's like working in a coal mine and trying to keep your hands clean. YES, it is!!!

And when have clean hands ever been part of a coal miner's job??!

All babies refuse food, spit it out, throw it around the room, cry and change their minds on a sixpence. Face it, that's part of the fun of being a baby!
You wait till he can pick up his bowl, carefully lift it past the edge of his tray, then upend the whole thing ... He'll love it!

If he's gaining weight appropriately, that's just fine. Human beings don't develop according to a rulebook.

I'm SO pleased you got over your anxiety quickly - the meds are working already. You're doing good, girl! x

Michelle, do you do anything non-baby related? At the weekend?

Maybe something like going for a swim alone and clearing your head once in a while will ease the intensity of the mothering part of your life. Definitely save some energy for looking after yourself!

Cross-posts misdee, babies innit?

:o at try not to stress! :) That is my mantra at the minute :o

I don't know, bloody motherhood. The one time in your life you need to chill out and you're so wired with stress and anxiety that you end up throwing spoons of porridge across the room like they were on fire.