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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trigger warning- title edited by MNHQ: Overwhelmed and upset no one to talk to in real life

169 replies

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 02/03/2023 13:41

This week 12yrs ago tried to kill myself nearly successful.

In that year I was gang raped, left for dead

Family member died around my birthday suddenly

Friend died suddenly. But no one told me until I went to visit them

Got made homeless

Lots of shit in bewteen

This time last year my baby died in my arms

Also my family cut contact with me.

I'm trying to concentrate. Trying to work and failing at everything.
I just want to hide and crawl in a hole.
I'm receiving therapy but the cost has nearly doubled and I don't think I can afford it for much longer.
It's just feels very dark atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 08/04/2023 21:14

Hi no I will be at the scan by myself. Looking at the odds of everything.

OP posts:
Zebracat · 09/04/2023 09:12

Random stranger on the Internet sending you flower# and sympathy🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 09/04/2023 11:02

Thanks all. the scan room brings back the worst memories. Plus all the couples sitting nicely together and I'm alone.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/04/2023 11:04

The being alone sounds very tough. We’re thinking of you. Please stay in touch

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 09/04/2023 11:06

There just doping me up on painkillers opiates which I need but when I stop taking them I feel awful. Seems like you get a flicker of some light and someone comes along in their size 11's and goes not that one. Crushed

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/04/2023 11:10

Ouch. Literally, I guess.

Do you know what you will be doing after the scan?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 09/04/2023 11:46

Getting the bus home. They will give the date for the surgery. Drink myself into oblivion which im going to try and avoid. Feeling like I want to kill myself. Will try contact docs for diazepam to try and tahe the edge of

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/04/2023 12:47

Okay. I’m guessing a walk might be painful but if the weather is nice can you sit outside even for a little while?

If you are really thinking of killing yourself, you need a human voice. Do you have someone to call? Actually I wish you would tell them at the hospital that you feel this way.

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 09/04/2023 13:23

Last time I felt like this was 12hrs waiting for team then as soon as I had the surgery I was discharged. One day follow up then nothing so I don't think its worth it. Hiding into a hotel room sounds nice. But too expensive. Haven't left the house in 3 days so painful

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 09/04/2023 14:00

That’s really bad, OP, and I am sorry to hear it. What about ringing a helpline? Do you need a phone number? If so roughly where are you?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 12/04/2023 21:29

It's all very dark. I am trying so hard to cling to any sort of hope for anything

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 12/04/2023 22:10

Can you think what might help, OP?

SparklingLime · 14/04/2023 10:14

I'm so sorry for all that you are coping with, @poetryandwine. Flowers

Your story reminded me of Stephanie Foo's book about her life and how she's healing The Audible is so good as she reads it herself and it includes her therapy sessions. It's pretty raw in the beginning when she describes her childhood. Not sure if this will be the right time for you to listen, but if you don't have audible your first book is free anyway: https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/B09ZVKW4Y1?sourcecode=ASSORAP0511160006&shareelocation=playeroverflow

SparklingLime · 14/04/2023 10:14

That was for OP, @Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover. Sorry.

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 14/04/2023 17:19

Hi all sorry it took so long to reply. Had the scan. Just waiting for a date. I'm curled up in bed. Still in pain. Just trying to take it slowly.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 14/04/2023 17:46

Sorry to hear this, OP. Only if you feel like sharing, what procedure is next for you?

Hugs

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 14/04/2023 18:02

The d&c then follow up bloods and urine tests. But it's all going to be a blur. I might try and look into that audible book. But I think I might need to be a bit more mentally stable first

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 14/04/2023 18:05

Of course. I hope it goes as well as possible. , and that it is all over soon

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 14/04/2023 18:08

Thanks just looking for stuff I can binge watch. But everything is very triggering and I don't really want to watch stuff with pregnant woman in it.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 14/04/2023 18:44

Of course you don’t. What about some boring gentle old comedies? Can they let you pretend the world is okay for a little while?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 14/04/2023 20:31

Yeah I am looking. I do like comedies but not in the mood. But I'm not drinking tonight so I doubt I will get any sleep. So I guess that's some sort of progress

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 14/04/2023 21:27

Well I am very tired, I’m afraid. Hang in there, OP.

poetryandwine · 14/04/2023 21:27

Congratulations on not drinking!

Banjaxx · 14/04/2023 21:44

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover if you’re looking for something to watch I love all the david Attenboroughs they’re so gentle and I find them really soothing to watch, something about being transported into the lives of animals living out their simple lives in beautiful natural habitats.
sending comforting thoughts

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 16/04/2023 11:32

Hi everyone ended up watching vanilla sky on Netflix. Odd seeing Tom cruise so young. Penelope Cruz as well what a stunning and amazing actress's and Cameron Diaz. 2 days not drinking. I ache.

OP posts: