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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trigger warning- title edited by MNHQ: Overwhelmed and upset no one to talk to in real life

169 replies

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 02/03/2023 13:41

This week 12yrs ago tried to kill myself nearly successful.

In that year I was gang raped, left for dead

Family member died around my birthday suddenly

Friend died suddenly. But no one told me until I went to visit them

Got made homeless

Lots of shit in bewteen

This time last year my baby died in my arms

Also my family cut contact with me.

I'm trying to concentrate. Trying to work and failing at everything.
I just want to hide and crawl in a hole.
I'm receiving therapy but the cost has nearly doubled and I don't think I can afford it for much longer.
It's just feels very dark atm.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 28/03/2023 13:11

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover who are you talking to, if not us?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 28/03/2023 14:13

Hi I see my therapist once a week that's it. I don't have any close friends anymore. They have moved away as well. Also I did try and keep up contact but we might have drifted. So I don't want to force a friendship. Plus I'm wary of trauma dumping someone! Ironic as I'm doing it on the internet!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 28/03/2023 14:56

Loads of people here would like to help you through this, OP. Please keep talking to us

falsepositivenervous · 28/03/2023 15:02

Have you heard of the book "the body keeps the score" OP? It's by Bessel van der Kolk, you should be able to get it out from the library. A friend of mine suffering from trauma found it very helpful, as it helped her understand the physical symptoms she was experiencing. It might be interesting for you to read too xxx

Redebs · 28/03/2023 15:09

I'm so sorry you have been through such horrible things. Poor you. It's really not fair that anyone should have to go through all of that.
Here's hoping you can find the strength to keep on moving forwards and getting yourself to a better place emotionally. All the very best x

Redebs · 28/03/2023 15:20

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 14:12

Hi I am posting a link below as it's too much brain effort to go into full detail. Hope this helps.

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/starting-to-shift-from-the-drama-triangle-to-the-winners-triangle/

Show quote history

Thanks for sharing the link. I had a look, but it's Transactional Analysis, which does have a lot of issues. Good if it makes sense for you, but there are other approaches that might be more helpful.
It's not easy to 'shop around' for therapies when you're really low. I can imagine how much harder it is if you don't have friends or family on your side either.
I know I wouldn't be here still, had I not come across my therapist to get me through.

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 28/03/2023 21:32

Hey yeah it's not once size fits all that's for sure. Hi yes I have read and listened to the body keeps the score. It's very powerful. I am on super alert reflexes I'm trying to regulate in everyday life. About having to relearn how to breathe and live. Listened to Ian dury and the blockheads fucking ada tonight made me feel slightly better!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 29/03/2023 11:43

How are you doing today, OP?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 29/03/2023 11:50

Morning, didn't have a great night ended up binging a bit. Trying to get a doctor's appointment! But not sure if they will get back to me today..

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 29/03/2023 19:27

So sorry to hear this. I don’t mean to sound stupid but would getting out for a walk help? Or an early morning coffee?

Needaholidayyesterday · 29/03/2023 20:18

sending very gentle hugs if you will accept them

i have a rubbish family on one side.
you can’t choose them.
but you can choose if you want to have contact with them.
block, & keep blocking, you don’t need that too.

you have survived a huge amount of awful awful things
and are still here
hold onto that

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 30/03/2023 12:11

Update. I'm in hospital crippling shoulder kidney pain. Vomiting, sweating etc. Luckily for me the doctors were happy to give me oramorph. But I wish I was at home. Think my body has given up!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 30/03/2023 14:20

Wow. Very sorry to hear this, but glad you came to us with it. I hope the oramorph is doing its job! Have you been admitted?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 30/03/2023 17:48

Hi I've been in A&E since 3pm yesterday. And I'm only just getting a bed on a ward now. Been on a mix of wheelchairs and those a&e seats. Had 3hrs sleep. Im feeling pretty wrecked

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 30/03/2023 20:29

Hell of a wait, OP, but sadly not unusual. Very glad you have finally been admitted. Hope tonight will be more restful.

StopStartStop · 30/03/2023 20:33

Just sending you 💐@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover because life can be shit but I hope things improve for you.

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 31/03/2023 10:03

Thank you all. Just waiting for scan now. Scared I messed up my kidneys and liver because of alcohol damage now!

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 31/03/2023 13:45

Thinking of you, OP. Please stay in touch.

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 31/03/2023 13:54

Hi just had a daytime nap for the first time in ages. I'm feeling so low and drained. Least I'm in the right place as I'm not tempted to drink or hurt myself.

OP posts:
Needaholidayyesterday · 06/04/2023 21:08

The nap and lack of temptation sound positive.
Hospital always makes everyone feel low and drained. It will get better

poetryandwine · 06/04/2023 21:15

I am sorry for the delay, OP. The update to your thread just came through for me.

Low and drained really isn’t good, so I am sorry about that. But I am very glad that when you wrote you weren’t tempted to hurt yourself. How are you doing now?

Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 06/04/2023 21:48

Surprisingly I found out I was pregnant. But it's a molar. So potentially cancerous. No words. I think I'm done with life with everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 06/04/2023 21:52

Going for another scan by myself delayed due to the strikes. 😭. I'm broken

OP posts:
Needaholidayyesterday · 06/04/2023 22:06

I’m so sorry to hear your update

do you have anyone you could call who would come with you to the scan, after the strikes?

poetryandwine · 07/04/2023 09:07

OP,

I am so sorry about the molar pregnancy. I didn’t know what that was and I had to look it up. Just awful, and painful. A small consolation is that cancer appears to be rare and usually treated successfully. They don’t say that about many cancers - they are usually very cautious! (This was the Mayo Clinic web site, a renowned American health centre) I know life is still shit but as far as the pregnancy goes you are now on the mend.