Page 3 | Trigger warning- title edited by MNHQ: Overwhelmed and upset no one to talk to in real life

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 2023-03-02T13:41:35+00:00

This week 12yrs ago tried to kill myself nearly successful. In that year I was gang raped, left for dead Family member died around my birthday suddenly Friend died suddenly. But no one told me until I went to visit them Got made homeless Lots of shit in bewteen This time last year my baby died in my arms Also my family cut contact with me. I'm trying to concentrate. Trying to work and failing at everything. I just want to hide and crawl in a hole. I'm receiving therapy but the cost has nearly doubled and I don't think I can afford it for much longer. It's just feels very dark atm.

Lostmarblesfinder · 19/03/2023 15:27

I am so sorry @Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover I have had to deal with significant trauma in my past.

After years of therapy and reading absolutely everything I could I have found a few great things that work for me, friends and my kids and partner. My own family were absolutely shit and I had to leave them behind because they were sweeping the issues away as their way of dealing with it.

I have found becoming my own internal therapist the best thing I have ever learned to do. My own therapist taught me some of this and the rest I learned in books. For me what it looks like is almost running a group therapy session for those horrible internal voices. If you have had therapy before it is like how your therapist might deal with a group session. I write the sessions down on my phone so it gives things a better pace and slows things down. Whatever comes up for me I respond to it as my therapist would with curiosity and compassion. Asking more questions of the voice letting the voice in my head say what it is thinking no matter how bad, letting it speak and then reframing it like my therapist might do and putting the difficulties I am experiencing into their present day context where I am now safe and the harm is in the past. I don’t know if this would be good for you but it has absolutely changed my life.

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 11:33

Lostmarblesfinder · 19/03/2023 15:27

I am so sorry @Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover I have had to deal with significant trauma in my past.

After years of therapy and reading absolutely everything I could I have found a few great things that work for me, friends and my kids and partner. My own family were absolutely shit and I had to leave them behind because they were sweeping the issues away as their way of dealing with it.

I have found becoming my own internal therapist the best thing I have ever learned to do. My own therapist taught me some of this and the rest I learned in books. For me what it looks like is almost running a group therapy session for those horrible internal voices. If you have had therapy before it is like how your therapist might deal with a group session. I write the sessions down on my phone so it gives things a better pace and slows things down. Whatever comes up for me I respond to it as my therapist would with curiosity and compassion. Asking more questions of the voice letting the voice in my head say what it is thinking no matter how bad, letting it speak and then reframing it like my therapist might do and putting the difficulties I am experiencing into their present day context where I am now safe and the harm is in the past. I don’t know if this would be good for you but it has absolutely changed my life.

Hi 👋 thanks yes my therapist is great but it can only go so far. I kinda have a severe shock or a trigger and I regress and freeze up. I have had EMDR before and it was great but i waited 3yrs for it. About 4yrs ago, I dread to think the list now. I woke up this morning saw the start of my period. And basically had a meltdown. I couldn't move weeping. Then I woke back up as I thought I heard screaming but it was coming from me 😫. And then I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I have tried setraline but on advice from the psychologist he said I needed to switch, as the other one was not helping me. Been relatively stable on this new med.

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Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 11:34

That was meant for everyone who replied and asked me a question. My brain is mush atm not reading it all right

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PrincessToad · 21/03/2023 11:37

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover please just keep talking, even if it's on here. This could be a good place for you to communicate and feel less isolated.

I'm so sorry all those terrible things happened to you 🙁

Nooyoiknooyoik · 21/03/2023 11:38

Most if not all of your problems probably stem directly or indirectly from the fact that you were unlucky enough to be born into a crap family.

I hope you can find the strength to separate from the people who were never good for you and move forward alone (and hopefully meet better people) X

CoffeeLover90 · 21/03/2023 12:05

I'm so sorry to see you're still feeling so low. But reaching out for support is, in my opinion, the bravest and hardest step you can take. So give yourself some credit. I've never wanted to hug a stranger so much. Not that it would take the pain away but just to show you that people do care. Keep talking, keep reaching and keep up the hard work. For what it's worth just know we're behind you cheering you on.

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 12:11

https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jcpp.12893

Just seen this on another thread. I wish that the police had come for me when I was a kid. If someone shouts or screams I get a real visceral reaction like I've been stunned.

Just a moment...

https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jcpp.12893

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Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 12:18

It's so hard a lifetime of systemic trauma it's like it's hardwired into me. A poison suffocating my whole body. Who was I, who could I have been. Me and the trauma are bound forever. No matter where i go, changes. School, uni, college work. I try so hard to break my family's vicious cycle and it comes backs and hits me in the face 🥺. I know someone will probably come on here saying your being the victim and you need to change and Rethink it. But I do, the karpman triangle 📐. But I plod along the another wave of shit happens that I have no control over. I know I'm not alone in that there are people who are like me. But no one ever really believes us, or just zones out (i don't blame them all). It's like a Greek tragedy.

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Bunnyishotandcross · 21/03/2023 12:45

Do you have any garden op? I started growing things during Covid.. Was shocked how much it improved my mh! Just a few pots. A few cheap plants or some seeds. A very genuine and appreciated distraction imo op..

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 13:00

Bunnyishotandcross · 21/03/2023 12:45

Do you have any garden op? I started growing things during Covid.. Was shocked how much it improved my mh! Just a few pots. A few cheap plants or some seeds. A very genuine and appreciated distraction imo op..

Hi yes I do. I have chronic pain and scar tissues from injuries so I can't always be as mobile as I can. But I do know what you mean I do love the smell of fresh herbs.

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poetryandwine · 21/03/2023 13:27

Hi, OP -

I have seldom been so moved on MN as by your posts, and I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I love Johnny Cash also, the musician and the man. Does listening to his music help you? What other small steps could youvtake to soothe yourself?

You keep alluding to the Karpman Triangle. If explaining it would stress you then obviously it is a no-go topic, but if you are interested in explaining it I would be very interested in hearing about it from you.

Regardless of how you feel about that topic, please keep talking with us. About anything. Hugs. 🌻

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 14:12

poetryandwine · 21/03/2023 13:27

Hi, OP -

I have seldom been so moved on MN as by your posts, and I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I love Johnny Cash also, the musician and the man. Does listening to his music help you? What other small steps could youvtake to soothe yourself?

You keep alluding to the Karpman Triangle. If explaining it would stress you then obviously it is a no-go topic, but if you are interested in explaining it I would be very interested in hearing about it from you.

Regardless of how you feel about that topic, please keep talking with us. About anything. Hugs. 🌻

Hi I am posting a link below as it's too much brain effort to go into full detail. Hope this helps.

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/starting-to-shift-from-the-drama-triangle-to-the-winners-triangle/

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Lostmarblesfinder · 21/03/2023 16:28

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover you know you are not the one who is fucked up don’t you? It took me a long time to unpick the cognitive distortions I had built up from the family abuse I experienced. It wasn’t me and it isn’t you.

Yes there are parts of you that need to heal. same as if you were in a car accident and you damaged limbs.. Why wouldn’t there be parts that need healing? you have been through such extreme trauma but you are good and wise and lovely and helpful (giving advice on your thread to help others on here).

Trauma fucks with the biochemistry of our body and mind, those unheard and unhealed traumatised parts of ourselves trigger enormous biological reactions as they try to process what they have experienced.

When I started on my journey healing from incest and the big family rug sweeping exercise that followed I thought I would never recover. I thought I would have to accept that this was it I was always going to be this way. But it isn’t true. I gave my trauma a voice, actually it has many, many voices and I let it speak everything it needed to say. Sometimes with my therapist and when I learned how to the rest for myself. I didn’t hold back the rage or the desolation or the rejection or the shame or the abandonment or the deep loss and sadness as my whole family went along with the rug sweeping and much much more. It all had its turn. I redirected the anger towards the people who were distorting reality but who had caused and were causing harm and I am still working my way through processing that.

You have been through so much. There is a terrified, lost part of yourself that is so upset and is so desolate and it has taken over control of you at the moment but it can be consoled, it can be made to feel safe, it can be healed. What you are experiencing is normal for the trauma you experienced, what you are writing and saying on here is normal for the trauma you have experienced.

You are good and worthy and lovely and you deserve to heal from this. You are not broken, you just have to be helped back to full health.

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 22:57

I do accept they fucked me up. But I have fucked up myself. I'm not sure I am good. I read that thread about being a nice person. I'm not sure is being nice being complacent or scared to speak up?. I hate seeing anyone in pain or distress. It seems like some people have a sign on them saying "kick me, abuse me" etc. I read the body keeps the score fascinating painful

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Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 23:00

Lostmarblesfinder · 21/03/2023 16:28

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover you know you are not the one who is fucked up don’t you? It took me a long time to unpick the cognitive distortions I had built up from the family abuse I experienced. It wasn’t me and it isn’t you.

Yes there are parts of you that need to heal. same as if you were in a car accident and you damaged limbs.. Why wouldn’t there be parts that need healing? you have been through such extreme trauma but you are good and wise and lovely and helpful (giving advice on your thread to help others on here).

Trauma fucks with the biochemistry of our body and mind, those unheard and unhealed traumatised parts of ourselves trigger enormous biological reactions as they try to process what they have experienced.

When I started on my journey healing from incest and the big family rug sweeping exercise that followed I thought I would never recover. I thought I would have to accept that this was it I was always going to be this way. But it isn’t true. I gave my trauma a voice, actually it has many, many voices and I let it speak everything it needed to say. Sometimes with my therapist and when I learned how to the rest for myself. I didn’t hold back the rage or the desolation or the rejection or the shame or the abandonment or the deep loss and sadness as my whole family went along with the rug sweeping and much much more. It all had its turn. I redirected the anger towards the people who were distorting reality but who had caused and were causing harm and I am still working my way through processing that.

You have been through so much. There is a terrified, lost part of yourself that is so upset and is so desolate and it has taken over control of you at the moment but it can be consoled, it can be made to feel safe, it can be healed. What you are experiencing is normal for the trauma you experienced, what you are writing and saying on here is normal for the trauma you have experienced.

You are good and worthy and lovely and you deserve to heal from this. You are not broken, you just have to be helped back to full health.

The religious family protect their own. And close rsks don't they against this 🥺

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Lostmarblesfinder · 21/03/2023 23:32

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 21/03/2023 22:57

I do accept they fucked me up. But I have fucked up myself. I'm not sure I am good. I read that thread about being a nice person. I'm not sure is being nice being complacent or scared to speak up?. I hate seeing anyone in pain or distress. It seems like some people have a sign on them saying "kick me, abuse me" etc. I read the body keeps the score fascinating painful

That is the shame speaking. There isn’t CPTSD without the shame. The two go hand in hand. That is only one part of you. You are so much more than that. Xxxx

LavenderFields7 · 21/03/2023 23:49

I’m sorry for everything you have been through 😔 you didn’t deserve any of it. I cried reading your posts. I hope you can find the energy to love yourself, you sound like such a wonderful kind person xx

hexagon123 · 22/03/2023 01:04

GracePooleslaugh · 02/03/2023 14:42

Are you on any medication? Do you have a diagnosis? Maybe you need to contact your MH support and tell them you are in a crisis?

I'm so sorry, you've been through a lot. It's amazing that you are still standing.

Her diagnosis if fucking trauma

hexagon123 · 22/03/2023 01:05

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 02/03/2023 14:48

The mental health crisis team say I am not on their threshold as I'm not actively suicidal.

Yes and thy doesn't mean you can't get help.

Have you been given numbers for support? There is one in GM which I've found helpful,

You need referred

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 22/03/2023 10:15

hexagon123 · 22/03/2023 01:05

Yes and thy doesn't mean you can't get help.

Have you been given numbers for support? There is one in GM which I've found helpful,

You need referred

Show quote history

What is this never heard of it?

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Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 22/03/2023 10:18

GracePooleslaugh · 02/03/2023 14:42

Are you on any medication? Do you have a diagnosis? Maybe you need to contact your MH support and tell them you are in a crisis?

I'm so sorry, you've been through a lot. It's amazing that you are still standing.

Yes I am but it doesn't always help if you go through a crisis. I'm diagnosed with a few conditions cptsd but would prefer not to list them on here. But trauma is the main one

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Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 22/03/2023 10:21

Seems like even my dreams are trying to send me to the brink of insanity. Dreamt my baby was alive. Then it all went ugly and twisted. Remote to just knock myself unconscious least then I won't be able to remember 😖

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Lostmarblesfinder · 22/03/2023 11:55

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 22/03/2023 10:21

Seems like even my dreams are trying to send me to the brink of insanity. Dreamt my baby was alive. Then it all went ugly and twisted. Remote to just knock myself unconscious least then I won't be able to remember 😖

@Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover just keep talking. Keep saying it out loud. You are going through a very tough time. There isn’t a magic wand to make it better so it is one foot in from of the other until things get a bit brighter. There won’t be a day where this stuff didn’t happen but equally every day won’t be like today. Things always change just like the seasons. Our feelings don’t stay the same.

poetryandwine · 22/03/2023 12:09

Thank you for the link to the Drama Triangle, OP. It is interesting.

What a horrifying dream, I am so sorry. Please keep talking to us.

I think @hexagon123 was talking about the phone number of a mental health support in Greater Manchester she has found helpful.

Original poster

Fuckedupfuckoffirishrover · 27/03/2023 21:18

I'm sorry I didn't see the updates. Yes it was horrific in one way but nice in another I got to see a little smile. 😭. Im on my last diazepam I know the doctors probably won't prescribe any more. And I need that release so much. The urge to scratch or cut my arms and feet is overwhelming. Just looked at my bpm and dit was 140 so only slightly stressed 😵

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