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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an assault *triggerwarning* graphic content

131 replies

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:24

warning: intimate / explicit content

I’ve been seeing someone casually recently. He lives a long way away so haven’t seen him much, but he’s a friend and we stay in touch. He’s a couple of years younger. Basically just a fun thing, was never going to develop into anything more serious which was fine.

We have slept together a few times, during which it’s become increasingly rough. Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc. Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.

Then the other week, after a night out where we were both pretty drunk, things progressed as usual but then took a turn for the more extreme. He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out. We had not discussed trying anything of the sort. And he’d finished! So he was just… watching. I came round, I don’t know, minutes (?) later having some sort of fit, slapped him hard, he then slapped me back and stormed out, shouting abuse at me as he went.

As if the story couldn’t get worse! The next day he texted to see if I was ok etc, and I had a total memory blackout. I had thought I’d just left the night out and gone to bed. So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks the coming days, as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital, that I pieced together what happened. I messaged him and told him to never contact me again and I was blocking him.

The whole experience has left me deeply confused. I know a lot of guys these days like it rough, but this was surely outside of the boundaries of normal? This guy honestly comes across as just the nicest sweetest most mild mannered guy. Others in my social circle know him and he has a rep for just being mr nice guy. Is he just a total creep to want to watch someone being strangled when he’s already finished? Am I being over the top to feel like I could have died?

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 16/04/2023 08:28

This is absolutely fucking disgraceful op please report to the police immediately he has absolutely no boundaries at all terrifying! So sorry that your going through this.

Livingonicecream · 16/04/2023 08:30

You are absolutely not being ‘over the top’. What you have described is a very violent rape and attempted murder. Please stop doubting yourself and go to the police. None of this is your fault and your actions might now prevent any other woman to experience this or even lose their life. I’m so sorry this has happened to you but it was but your fault it happened, or that you didn’t realise or remember straight away. I hope you find the strength to report this.

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2023 08:30

That must have been so scary op; I’m so sorry that happened to you. I would also report to the police if I were you

ChickenDhansak82 · 16/04/2023 08:31

Rough is one thing but strangling someone until they pass out is something else.

I would absolutely report him to the police!

Mendholeai · 16/04/2023 08:31

Get away and don’t ever go back.

ChubbyMorticia · 16/04/2023 08:33

This wasn’t rough sex. It was assault. It was attempted murder.

Rough sex is CONSENSUAL. There are discussions, boundaries, safe words.

This was assault using ‘rough sex’ as an excuse.

DustyLee123 · 16/04/2023 08:34

Absolutely report to the police, even if it only stops it happening to someone else.
And if he’s escalating god knows where it might end,

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/04/2023 08:34

This is horrendous, and I think you should contact the police about it as he could go on to do this to someone else. What if they never wake up from being strangled into unconsciousness? What if his habits progress to something more violent? He already is doing this coercively and without actual consent. Sorry this happened to you, but don't let the memory blackout element or drinking stop you from reporting this. He needs to be held accountable.

horridjobescapee · 16/04/2023 08:35

You really need to report this to the police. I'm sorry x

Clymene · 16/04/2023 08:35

Please please report him. It's only luck that you're still here. And please talk to rape crisis and get some support.

I'm so sorry Flowers

Ilovetea42 · 16/04/2023 08:35

Honestly ring the police. He strangled you to the point of you blacking out without consent and slapped you. This guy needs to be on a watch list some. They're may be other women who he has assaulted and your experience is one part of the bigger picture for the police. Stop all contact with him and please report him. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, he is completely in the wrong and you did not deserve to be treated in that way.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 16/04/2023 08:36

That’s absolutely fucking horrifying to read. He absolutely has assaulted you, seriously assault at that. Quite frankly, he sounds like a danger to all women everywhere.

Never, ever feel like you have overreacted. I’m so sorry this monster did this to you.

Changingplace · 16/04/2023 08:38

This is awful, he could’ve killed you, you have to report this to the police, I hope you’re doing ok.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 16/04/2023 08:38

Report it to the police police.

Women are being killed under the guise of 'rough sex gone wrong'

Crocodilekneecaps · 16/04/2023 08:39

Report him before he kills someone

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 16/04/2023 08:39

Sorry, sent too soon.

Are you ok? Is there anyone IRL you could talk to?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 16/04/2023 08:42

I an sorry that you have been through this, it is truly awful! I think you have done the right thing by blocking him. The next step is to report to the police, if you want to!

strawberryicecreamice · 16/04/2023 08:44

You have to report this so it doesn't happen to someone else. I hope you're ok.

StopStartStop · 16/04/2023 08:45

Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc.
Absolutely unacceptable.

Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.
You, and other women, need to stop being such handmaids. Stop it. If the men aren't treating you with respect, leave. Do it.

He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out
I think that is rape, though I'm not sure of the law, and it certainly has the potential to become murder. Stop being a bloody idiot in your relationships with men - not just you, but all women. Give that up. Report him to the police. Now.

as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital,
Fuck's sake, woman. He could have killed you.

a total memory blackout. ..So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks...
My mind does this, too, it's a survival thing. Don't worry. Tell the police, explain about the memory gap.

a lot of guys these days like it rough
Then a lot of guys these days can wank until they rip off their dicks, and they can fucking well leave women alone. They don't 'like it rough' they like to abuse women. Women, don't even consider such men as potential sexual partners, and be ready to leave if they try it.

OP, it wasn't your fault. If you're a bit dopey as is fashionable today, about what women have to accept from men, that's your socialisation not a fault on your part. Tell the police, the bastard deserves a prison sentence. I speak as a woman whose then-husband tried to strangle her to death in 1986, and I haven't forgotten.

And always remember, you are precious and good. No man should touch you except to give you pleasure.

Toocooltoboogie · 16/04/2023 08:45

WTF!!! I'd report him. I'm sick of hearing about men copying porn and assuming woman would find being throttled and slapped sexually arousing. My friend has been on the dating scene for a while and it's rife. Fine if it floats your boat but it should be discussed properly before hand between two consenting adults. Frankly strangling someone untill they pass out is absolutely assault. How fucking dare he do this. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

StopStartStop · 16/04/2023 08:46

You have to report this so it doesn't happen to someone else.

No, you are not responsible for his future behaviour. Report it because you are too valuable to be treated this way.

BMW6 · 16/04/2023 08:46

Jesus OP of course you must contact the Police!

He seriously assaulted you. The fucker could go on to kill someone.

Badgerandfox227 · 16/04/2023 08:46

I can only add my support to others posting that what he did was not ok, was rape and he could literally have killed you. Please do go on and report it, even if it is not taken forward, there will be a file on him.

Please also take care of yourself, these things take time to process, reach out to charities for some support and see if you can get therapy to talk through. So sorry you’ve had to go through this.

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:47

Thank you yes I’m ok. I have discussed with a close friend who advised me to speak with a therapist which I also have. The whole thing is very confusing as it was an non consensual thing happening in a consensual context. Also I guess I’m naive as I have never in my life had someone purposely want to harm me and struggle to process why someone would, so I keep thinking I must have somehow got the wrong end of the stick! Honestly if you met this man you would have no idea, he seems so sweet!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 16/04/2023 08:49

His next victim may not survive.
I'm sorry you went through this but please go to the police, take photos of your injuries and contact the rape crisis centre.

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