To think this was an assault *triggerwarning* graphic content

I know you've said you aren't going to go to the police but if he keeps getting away with this then someone is going to end up seriously hurt (I do understand that this is not your responsibility though)

Reporting to the police is a very personal decision. The OP has no responsibility for anyone but herself here. She is not in any way responsible for the actions of this man, including what he will most likely do in the future. To suggest she should be held accountable for that is disgusting.

I totally understand your reasons for not wanting to report this. Please look after your mental health. You don't have to try and 'power through' this. Please reach out for help.

A very close relative of mine was raped. It took a couple of years for her to feel able to disclose this. By this point her mental health had taken a deep dive.

She had some counselling and is now having regular therapy through her GP. She found the counselling helped her to start with but then recognised she needed more specialist support.

Oh OP, I nearly cried for you as I read your post.

Please get some professional help to help
you process what happened to you. You will need to talk it through with a professional, and I don’t often say that to someone.

He would be in the press, you wouldn’t. Sex offence victims, which you ARE, are granted lifelong anonymity. Anyone naming you publicly, even on Twitter/Facebook etc would be in extremely serious trouble with police.

Going to the police is very much not on the cards. I have young kids and a career where I am recognisable, I cannot dedicate time and energy to this experience

I am rarely so horrified by what I read on here. This violent rape and arguably attempted murder is appalling. This man is a dangerous fucking rapist, who strangled you, and likely abused you yet further when you were unconscious.

And you’re downplaying it. I do not understand.

He sounds extremely dangerous. I'd tell the police.

This man is very dangerous and this behaviour is very likely to escalate. As others have said report this to the Poilce and please for your own safety don't see him again. I hope you're OK now.

And the next woman might not have a choice. You are not responsible for his actions but this needs to be on record

The OP isn't to blame for what this man did to her, what he's done to other women in the past and what he will do to more. It's all on him. The normalisation of choking and beating women in sex and the way girls and women are being conditioned to accept it is terrifying though. This was not a normal, mainstream, expected thing when I was a teen/twenty something. If I became single now, I'd never date again. Friends tell me about the nice, normal men who suddenly strangle them with no consent, no warning, nothing and it's horrific. A monstrous act that has nothing to do with sex or women's pleasure. I'm so sorry for everyone this has happened to, and that women blame themselves and each other for pornsick ruined men. This man could have left the OP's children motherless; he will no doubt traumatise and brutalise many others and it is his fault and his responsibility.

This, then it will stand against him in further offences, because it was not a one off. It will also support any woman who does a Claire's Law request.

Look after yourself OP

This. Word for word.
This 'nice guy' has played the long game and done a fucking number on you.
I am livid on your behalf.

He needs to be reported OP. This will not be an isolated incident that he will never repeat.
Save other women from this piece of shit.

If she reports this to the police as I understand it then she has no control over whether the police charge him or not or want to pursue it.

It definitely sounds like rape and assault to me. It’s up to you if you want to report it and you are not to blame if someone else is injured - same as his last sexual partner isn’t to blame for what happened to you - he is.

however you don’t have to go along with things you don’t enjoy just because the man wants to do it OP. If you’re going to take part in rough sex or bdsm, please only do it with a partner you trust - set up boundaries, safe words and start slowly.

We have slept together a few times, during which it’s become increasingly rough. Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc. Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.

don’t do it if you don’t want to. And I’m not saying this because of what happened or victim blaming or anything - you can say no to this so called low level stuff

Geez this man was "watching" to see whether he killed you! He was waiting to see if you came round or not and when you did and fought back, he hit you and shouted abuse at you... what the fuck am I reading here? This man is a murderer looking for for his victim.. No, it's not your fault if he goes on and the next person doesn't regain consciousness, but please, for your own sake, talk to someone who is trained to deal with this (not just your therapist).

You can see if you can place a report on file so it is there for the next person. Given this time ended up with you awakening from a fit he did nearly kill you this isn’t something you can ignore. Next time he could kill someone

What did the hospital staff have to say about your injury?

You are lucky OP. Sounds sick saying that in response to what you posted but it's true. LUCK is why your children aren't now without a mother. He strangled you until you blacked out. That wasn't a quick strangle. It takes time and effort for that stage to be reached. It wasn't a mistake that you were unconscious. It was only luck that you're not 6 feet under - or your body sitting in an autopsy slab while your children begin a life of grief.

I don't know why your name would be published when sexual assault victims' names aren't, unless they wave anonymity.

What I do think is that the real reason you don't want to go to the police is because you know that makes it all very real. And I understand that all too well. It means you can't pretend, even a little bit that it didn't happen, or it wasn't as bad as you sometimes think it was.

As for your therapist agreeing with you. Well therapists by their nature will not dramatically disagree with you. Furthermore, your therapist would never want to give you the feeling where she was forcing you to do something about an event that was forced in you. Her goal is to support you in what you want, her role is not to challenge and debate you on something like this. Had she done that it would have been unprofessional. Additionally, if she doesn't work in the area if rape, sexual assault a murder then there's a chance she won't be well-versed in these things (nobody is expert in everything).

There are good reasons to go to the police and good reasons not to. But the reasons you've given don't make sense. And while you say there's no pictures, you went for medical treatment, so there's presumably a medical report of your injuries, or some of them.

Ultimately it's up to you, but at least make your decisions based on fact, because what you don't want is to end up regretting whatever decision(s) you make.

He could have killed you.

That is all I have to say about it

This. He might next time. You or whoever else he's with.

Can we please move away from this "think of the next person" attitude towards reporting rape.

It is a completely personal decision as to whether you take it further or not. You can report it and not prosecute, you can speak to victim support or rape Crisis and get advice on what is right for you.

The OP is the victim. It is entirely up to her how she processes and deals with her trauma. Yes in an ideal world she'd march down to the police station and tell them everything and he'd get locked up and the key thrown away. The reality is reporting and prosecuting sexual assault is extremely traumatic in its own right and often not the right thing for the victim to go through.

OP I hope you are getting good support and have a trauma therapist working with you.

(clearly my first comment wasn't all I had to say)

It takes time and effort for that stage to be reached

It actually doesn’t, if the carotid artery is pressed. That’s why it’s so dangerous.

It takes seconds to kill via strangulation. It's why choking "play" is so dangerous

👏🏼👏🏼
100% this OP

He sounds like a creep and killer in the making. Is he medically trained? He could have easily killed you if not. Hopefully, he’s not taken any pictures of you when you were passed out. You’ve disclosed to your friend and therapist so that’s good. Hope you are feeling better and keep getting the help you need. Don’t ever be alone with this guy again and guard your drinks from him at all times.

This is the most horrifying thing I've read on MN. I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf, OP. I really think you're very lucky to be alive right now.
I'm fucking fuming at that man. And its terrifying that he's walking amongst us, masquerading as a good man.
I understand you've just had an incredibly traumatic experience and you're still processing what was done to you. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.