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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an assault *triggerwarning* graphic content

131 replies

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:24

warning: intimate / explicit content

I’ve been seeing someone casually recently. He lives a long way away so haven’t seen him much, but he’s a friend and we stay in touch. He’s a couple of years younger. Basically just a fun thing, was never going to develop into anything more serious which was fine.

We have slept together a few times, during which it’s become increasingly rough. Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc. Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.

Then the other week, after a night out where we were both pretty drunk, things progressed as usual but then took a turn for the more extreme. He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out. We had not discussed trying anything of the sort. And he’d finished! So he was just… watching. I came round, I don’t know, minutes (?) later having some sort of fit, slapped him hard, he then slapped me back and stormed out, shouting abuse at me as he went.

As if the story couldn’t get worse! The next day he texted to see if I was ok etc, and I had a total memory blackout. I had thought I’d just left the night out and gone to bed. So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks the coming days, as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital, that I pieced together what happened. I messaged him and told him to never contact me again and I was blocking him.

The whole experience has left me deeply confused. I know a lot of guys these days like it rough, but this was surely outside of the boundaries of normal? This guy honestly comes across as just the nicest sweetest most mild mannered guy. Others in my social circle know him and he has a rep for just being mr nice guy. Is he just a total creep to want to watch someone being strangled when he’s already finished? Am I being over the top to feel like I could have died?

OP posts:
RicktheBrick · 16/04/2023 08:50

Jesus Christ, my blood ran cold reading this! Please please please report him OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2023 08:51

I 100% agree with @StopStartStop ”Rough sex” is, in so so many cases, a euphemism for violent sexual assault. I cannot believe it is still used in legal cases now as a term. And how many men use “rough sex gone wrong” as a defence for murder. If that doesn’t give you chills I don’t know what will.

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I think, even as a protection of other women, you should go to the police. This might not be the first complaint. It’s certainly not the first time he’s done it. It won’t be the last.

Imisscoffee2021 · 16/04/2023 08:52

@Scardeycat1 all the more reason to report him, if he seems sweet and plausible to unsuspecting women.

People aren't like in films where the evil ones wear it on their sleeves, and all the more dangerous that he seems nice to the world while behaving like that towards someone he's meant to respect.

I hope the therapy helps but he also needs a visit from the police, if anything to put the fear in him that this behaviour isn't normal.

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 08:52

OP you didn't get the wrong end of the stick.
He's lulled you into a false sense of security.
They do that completely intentionally, for this reason.
It makes you doubt and blame yourself, and you tell yourself nobody will believe you because 'he's not like that'.

Karwomannghia · 16/04/2023 08:53

It was a violent assault and violent men can say nice things. It wasn’t consensual and he needs to be arrested. He could have killed you and if he had he would be going down for murder regardless of whether he said it was consensual or not.

Tilllly · 16/04/2023 08:53

You've been so brave to post here OP

What he did to you is assault and rape. There's no longer a defence in law - the old "rough sex" defence. It's assault. He raped you and it's a miracle he didn't kill you. Strangulation to the point of passing out could have left you with brain damage

Please be brave a little longer and go to / ring the police. All you have to say is "I've been raped". There are specialist officers who will support you and get you access to other support

He needs to be stopped

whatkatydid2013 · 16/04/2023 08:53

“I know a lot of guys these days like it rough”

OP this is totally irrelevant. Obviously they can like whatever they wish to. It has absolutely no bearing on their need to obtain consent from their partner. Frankly also even if you’d consented it would be a stupid, incredibly risky thing to strangle someone.

Oysterbabe · 16/04/2023 08:54

This man is going to kill someone one day.

theswoot · 16/04/2023 08:54

Another person imploring you to report this, if you feel you can. What has happened to you is unacceptable, and however nice he is to you and those in your circle the rest of the time, you need to get away from him.

I am not easily shocked but your post horrified me.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, please take care of yourself.

TheVolturi · 16/04/2023 08:55

Go to the police today. I can assure you that they will believe you, support you and help you deal with all of this. Speaking from experience. Please go x

Tilllly · 16/04/2023 08:57

Just to add, the police won't push you to do anything you don't want to
Please contact them

Karwomannghia · 16/04/2023 08:57

You even had to go to a hospital which proves he hurt you.

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:59

Thanks so much for the messages.

Going to the police is very much not on the cards. I have young kids and a career where I am recognisable, I cannot dedicate time and energy to this experience. We all know how assault victims get treated, and it was weeks ago - there are no photos or anything.

If it’s something he tries with others I think they will need to be the ones to come forward.

OP posts:
VioletPickles · 16/04/2023 08:59

Op, well done for posting and talking to a therapist, that’s a great first step. I’d urge you to report to the police if you feel able, before he does it again to someone else. 💐

AncientToaster · 16/04/2023 09:00

He seriously assaulted you, report him.

Men putting their hands around women’s throats is the number one indicator of them potentially killing a woman.

You need to ask yourself why you didn’t put the brakes on this friendship before. I am going to assume you had an abusive childhood. I have met many women like you, remember it’s not your fault. Men like him sniff out vulnerable women and the escalation over time of the roughness was him testing how far he could go. Him being nice some of the time is just a disguise. He is a serious danger to women.

DrGregHouseFan · 16/04/2023 09:05

He sounds like he wants to kill but he’s waiting for the right moment to act upon his vile urges. Please stay away from him & if you can, report him before he takes it too far with the next woman.

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:09

@AncientToaster i really didn’t have a bad childhood or anything. I have to own the fact that up until then I was enjoying seeing this person even if he wasn’t exactly marriage material. It mostly felt a bit fun and dangerous until then it wasn’t fun and the danger was real not pretend.

OP posts:
Crocodilekneecaps · 16/04/2023 09:12

He’s going to kill someone op

CheersForThatEh · 16/04/2023 09:13

Agree with someone up thread saying he has lured you into a false sense of security by playing mr nice guy.

If he likes that and did it to a stranger, he knows he will get a police visit. He has established a relationship with you and built up to this by testing your boundaries further each time and making you doubt yourself into thinking you might have consented or given the wrong idea. He has been deliberately sneaky.

And now you still think he is nice and it might have been a misunderstanding and dont want to report.

Sending a hug x

Thisismeyeah · 16/04/2023 09:13

Go to the police even if it is to file a report, so its on record.

DeoForty · 16/04/2023 09:14

Did the hospital ask what had caused your injuries?

Tilllly · 16/04/2023 09:14

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:59

Thanks so much for the messages.

Going to the police is very much not on the cards. I have young kids and a career where I am recognisable, I cannot dedicate time and energy to this experience. We all know how assault victims get treated, and it was weeks ago - there are no photos or anything.

If it’s something he tries with others I think they will need to be the ones to come forward.

Your identity is protected tho

WeeOrcadian · 16/04/2023 09:15

It was absolutely assault, I'm so sorry this happened to you

If you feel like you're able, could you speak to a friend and / or the police?

((big hugs))

DemBonesDemBones · 16/04/2023 09:16

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Reporting to the police is absolutely the right thing to do.