Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an assault *triggerwarning* graphic content

131 replies

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:24

warning: intimate / explicit content

I’ve been seeing someone casually recently. He lives a long way away so haven’t seen him much, but he’s a friend and we stay in touch. He’s a couple of years younger. Basically just a fun thing, was never going to develop into anything more serious which was fine.

We have slept together a few times, during which it’s become increasingly rough. Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc. Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.

Then the other week, after a night out where we were both pretty drunk, things progressed as usual but then took a turn for the more extreme. He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out. We had not discussed trying anything of the sort. And he’d finished! So he was just… watching. I came round, I don’t know, minutes (?) later having some sort of fit, slapped him hard, he then slapped me back and stormed out, shouting abuse at me as he went.

As if the story couldn’t get worse! The next day he texted to see if I was ok etc, and I had a total memory blackout. I had thought I’d just left the night out and gone to bed. So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks the coming days, as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital, that I pieced together what happened. I messaged him and told him to never contact me again and I was blocking him.

The whole experience has left me deeply confused. I know a lot of guys these days like it rough, but this was surely outside of the boundaries of normal? This guy honestly comes across as just the nicest sweetest most mild mannered guy. Others in my social circle know him and he has a rep for just being mr nice guy. Is he just a total creep to want to watch someone being strangled when he’s already finished? Am I being over the top to feel like I could have died?

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 16/04/2023 10:05

StopStartStop · 16/04/2023 08:45

Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc.
Absolutely unacceptable.

Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.
You, and other women, need to stop being such handmaids. Stop it. If the men aren't treating you with respect, leave. Do it.

He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out
I think that is rape, though I'm not sure of the law, and it certainly has the potential to become murder. Stop being a bloody idiot in your relationships with men - not just you, but all women. Give that up. Report him to the police. Now.

as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital,
Fuck's sake, woman. He could have killed you.

a total memory blackout. ..So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks...
My mind does this, too, it's a survival thing. Don't worry. Tell the police, explain about the memory gap.

a lot of guys these days like it rough
Then a lot of guys these days can wank until they rip off their dicks, and they can fucking well leave women alone. They don't 'like it rough' they like to abuse women. Women, don't even consider such men as potential sexual partners, and be ready to leave if they try it.

OP, it wasn't your fault. If you're a bit dopey as is fashionable today, about what women have to accept from men, that's your socialisation not a fault on your part. Tell the police, the bastard deserves a prison sentence. I speak as a woman whose then-husband tried to strangle her to death in 1986, and I haven't forgotten.

And always remember, you are precious and good. No man should touch you except to give you pleasure.

This is the best post I think I've ever read on MN.
We all need to call out disrespect and stop taking abuse from men.
OP, I hope you can find the strength to report the bastard. You wont be the first or the last he has/will hurt.

Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2023 10:08

Can we stop pushing the op to go to the police. She's stated multiple times she doesn't want to, she's given explicit reasons for so (which frankly she didn't need to) and trying to guilt her by saying what if he does it to someone else is just unnecessary. It's funny

Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2023 10:10

Urgh pressed send to soon. It's funny how no means no to sexual activity but not to stating you don't want to report abuse eh

Sendouttheclowns · 16/04/2023 10:14

StopStartStop · 16/04/2023 08:45

Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc.
Absolutely unacceptable.

Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.
You, and other women, need to stop being such handmaids. Stop it. If the men aren't treating you with respect, leave. Do it.

He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out
I think that is rape, though I'm not sure of the law, and it certainly has the potential to become murder. Stop being a bloody idiot in your relationships with men - not just you, but all women. Give that up. Report him to the police. Now.

as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital,
Fuck's sake, woman. He could have killed you.

a total memory blackout. ..So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks...
My mind does this, too, it's a survival thing. Don't worry. Tell the police, explain about the memory gap.

a lot of guys these days like it rough
Then a lot of guys these days can wank until they rip off their dicks, and they can fucking well leave women alone. They don't 'like it rough' they like to abuse women. Women, don't even consider such men as potential sexual partners, and be ready to leave if they try it.

OP, it wasn't your fault. If you're a bit dopey as is fashionable today, about what women have to accept from men, that's your socialisation not a fault on your part. Tell the police, the bastard deserves a prison sentence. I speak as a woman whose then-husband tried to strangle her to death in 1986, and I haven't forgotten.

And always remember, you are precious and good. No man should touch you except to give you pleasure.

^ This 100%

JMSA · 16/04/2023 10:15

Horrible man.

Rosula · 16/04/2023 10:17

Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2023 10:10

Urgh pressed send to soon. It's funny how no means no to sexual activity but not to stating you don't want to report abuse eh

Can you not see the difference? Saying no to reporting this carries the strong risk that other women will be assaulted, raped and killed. Saying no to sex self-evidently doesn't carry anything like that level of risk.

AlwaysGinPlease · 16/04/2023 10:18

I hope some does report him even if it's not the OP. He should have his dick removed.

Socialdistancechampion · 16/04/2023 10:19

Rosula · 16/04/2023 10:17

Can you not see the difference? Saying no to reporting this carries the strong risk that other women will be assaulted, raped and killed. Saying no to sex self-evidently doesn't carry anything like that level of risk.

Show quote history

That is not the OPs burden to shoulder. Stop putting it on her.

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2023 10:19

Saying no to reporting this carries the strong risk that other women will be assaulted, raped and killed

That is on the violent man. Heaping guilt onto a woman who is processing a sexual assault is very much not ok. She has stated her boundary about reporting it. That should be respected.

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 10:22

Thanks @Blinkingheckythump just this. There are some very real and practical reasons as to why not to report and it would be very hard to do which I think if i explained on here people would be much clearer, but I don’t want to disclose anything personally identifiable so need to leave it there. Of course i’m worried he’ll kill someone. But at the same time i wonder if it was just a drunken mistake and he’ll learn from his actions and not try it again. As for me i’ll make sure i never see him again in person.

OP posts:
Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2023 10:23

Rosula · 16/04/2023 10:17

Can you not see the difference? Saying no to reporting this carries the strong risk that other women will be assaulted, raped and killed. Saying no to sex self-evidently doesn't carry anything like that level of risk.

Show quote history

I see that in both a woman, for different reasons, says no to something that she doesn't want to do and doing it will cause her harm. Can you not see this?

Socialdistancechampion · 16/04/2023 10:26

Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2023 10:23

I see that in both a woman, for different reasons, says no to something that she doesn't want to do and doing it will cause her harm. Can you not see this?

Show quote history

I don't think half the posters get how traumatic the process is.

Nevermind the respecting of boundaries in a person who has already involuntarily has their boundaries overridden in a violent manner.

maddening · 16/04/2023 10:29

Is there a.way you can put this on file without prosecuting?

Softsoftsleep · 16/04/2023 10:30

I'm always quite reticent to advise anyone to go down the police route. However, in this case I would absolutely report him. He is a predator and preyed on you. You could have died.

I'm so sorry. This must have been a terrifying experience for you.

LexMitior · 16/04/2023 10:31

He's a dangerous man who has done this before and you need to report him to the police.

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2023 10:33

Jesus.

The OP does not want to report it. She didn’t ask for advice about reporting it.

Stop insisting that she report it.

AlwaysGinPlease · 16/04/2023 10:34

But at the same time i wonder if it was just a drunken mistake and he’ll learn from his actions and not try it again

You're very naive to think/believe that OP. I highly doubt you were the first or the last.

Softsoftsleep · 16/04/2023 10:34

Sorry, I just saw that you don't report. Take all the time you need. You have written it all out here so you have made a fresh 'statement' should you ever change your mind. Have you looked into therapy? Maybe work through everything with a counsellor.

I completely agree that a victim of a violent crime should not be put under pressure to report it if she doesn't want to. The entire process can be brutal for the victim, who needs to come forward with a sense of strength and resolve that she cannot magic out of thin air.

Write it all down, seek counselling and see where to go from there.

Northernsouloldies · 16/04/2023 10:39

Perhaps it's easier as outsiders looking in saying report it to the police. But imagine having to come to terms with a violent sexual assault and the very real possibility that you could have been murdered. The op has every right to do things her way. He might realise it was a drunken mistake op I think he knew very well what he was doing and as you said you will be making sure you never see him again is a very wise decision.

LexMitior · 16/04/2023 10:39

Okay don't report it but strangling someone is not a drunken mistake. This guy is dangerous in the sense he should be locked up to protect other women. Seriously, he is the definition of dangerous and you were not the first and doesn't sound like the last.

ratherbepaddleboarding · 16/04/2023 10:41

Police.

Don't let him get away with this.

Clarabell77 · 16/04/2023 10:41

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:20

@Tilllly we are in the same extended social circle. It would get out in no time and cause a lot of problems for me personally and professionally as I am a person who is recognisable in my industry.

How could you reporting him cause problems for you personally professionally? I don’t understand, you’re a victim, why do you feel you would be punished for that by friends and your employer?

He doesn’t deserve a social circle with people thinking he’s a lovely guy, he’s a violent rapist and he deserves people knowing exactly what he is.

I know it must be very difficult and I’m sorry for your experience but he sounds very dangerous and someone that needs to be stopped.

Naunet · 16/04/2023 10:56

He’s a disgusting, woman hating, porn sick, violent, piece of shit. I’m so sorry OP, never, ever go along with something that doesn’t do it for you, especially something like slapping, you DONT have to accept that sick behaviour.

AncientToaster · 16/04/2023 11:00

No one is strangled by mistake.

I assume op works in a word of mouth industry, contacts, contracts, socialising is where deals or recommendations are made. Its pretty obvious she risks a lot by calling out a popular member of said circle.

Call rape crisis at the very least op for expert advice, it’s totally anonymous. I have met women who have been put in intensive care by men that loved them apparently.

Naunet · 16/04/2023 11:02

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:59

Thanks so much for the messages.

Going to the police is very much not on the cards. I have young kids and a career where I am recognisable, I cannot dedicate time and energy to this experience. We all know how assault victims get treated, and it was weeks ago - there are no photos or anything.

If it’s something he tries with others I think they will need to be the ones to come forward.

Op, would you feel more comfortable reporting him to the police just for the strangulation? You can leave out anything sex related and just focus on the fact that he strangled you until you passed out, and you have been to the hospital, so will have those records to verify it.