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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was an assault *triggerwarning* graphic content

131 replies

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:24

warning: intimate / explicit content

I’ve been seeing someone casually recently. He lives a long way away so haven’t seen him much, but he’s a friend and we stay in touch. He’s a couple of years younger. Basically just a fun thing, was never going to develop into anything more serious which was fine.

We have slept together a few times, during which it’s become increasingly rough. Slapping, choking, hair pulling etc. Not my total favourite, but kind of fun and I’m up for trying stuff.

Then the other week, after a night out where we were both pretty drunk, things progressed as usual but then took a turn for the more extreme. He very forcefully had me perform oral sex on him in such a way i was gagging and couldn’t breathe, and then when we was ‘finished’ strangled me until I passed out. We had not discussed trying anything of the sort. And he’d finished! So he was just… watching. I came round, I don’t know, minutes (?) later having some sort of fit, slapped him hard, he then slapped me back and stormed out, shouting abuse at me as he went.

As if the story couldn’t get worse! The next day he texted to see if I was ok etc, and I had a total memory blackout. I had thought I’d just left the night out and gone to bed. So I was friendly as usual in my messages, reassured I was fine etc. It was only over a series of flashbacks the coming days, as the swelling got worse and I had to go to hospital, that I pieced together what happened. I messaged him and told him to never contact me again and I was blocking him.

The whole experience has left me deeply confused. I know a lot of guys these days like it rough, but this was surely outside of the boundaries of normal? This guy honestly comes across as just the nicest sweetest most mild mannered guy. Others in my social circle know him and he has a rep for just being mr nice guy. Is he just a total creep to want to watch someone being strangled when he’s already finished? Am I being over the top to feel like I could have died?

OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 16/04/2023 09:17

Fuck him. Report him asap

YoBeaches · 16/04/2023 09:19

I do understand why you would rather not report it, I would just say to remember that he will have done this before, his sexual violence is escalating, and you are "the next person" you're suggesting reports it.

Strangulation is the biggest signal that this man poses a real threat of life to women. No matter how sweet he comes across - he's hardly going to tell you he wants to strangle you.

Your identity can be protected if you did go forward. You have no idea what record this man might already have. The timing of it being weeks ago I doesn't matter. Especially as you went to hospital.

Please consider this.

Either way, I'm glad you are safe from him now.

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 09:19

OP has said she won't be reporting to the police so can people stop insisting that she does?

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:20

@Tilllly we are in the same extended social circle. It would get out in no time and cause a lot of problems for me personally and professionally as I am a person who is recognisable in my industry.

OP posts:
ChickenDhansak82 · 16/04/2023 09:20

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 08:59

Thanks so much for the messages.

Going to the police is very much not on the cards. I have young kids and a career where I am recognisable, I cannot dedicate time and energy to this experience. We all know how assault victims get treated, and it was weeks ago - there are no photos or anything.

If it’s something he tries with others I think they will need to be the ones to come forward.

So what about the next victim who ends up even worse or dead?!?! Are you OK with that?

Sorry to be harsh but NOT reporting him to the police is allowing him to do this to others.

Think 20 years down the line and if this happened to your daughter and you then found out someone could have prevented it...

You MUST report it!

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 09:20

@ChickenDhansak82 him doing this to someone else is not on OP. Why should she let him ruin her life?

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:21

Like, even if he went to prison I would end up with my own life sentence with this getting out and I don’t think I should be punished for this.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 16/04/2023 09:21

Grace Millane. Enough said. Call the police

Sorry this happened to you

Bearpawk · 16/04/2023 09:23

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:21

Like, even if he went to prison I would end up with my own life sentence with this getting out and I don’t think I should be punished for this.

What do you mean it would be a life sentence for you ?
Do you think if people heard what he assaulted and almost killed you that you'd somehow get the blame ?
This sounds like severe internalised misogyny from you.

He's probably going to kill his next victim.

YoBeaches · 16/04/2023 09:23

Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:20

@Tilllly we are in the same extended social circle. It would get out in no time and cause a lot of problems for me personally and professionally as I am a person who is recognisable in my industry.

What sort of problems do you mean OP?

Crocodilekneecaps · 16/04/2023 09:23

And if he kills someone and it gets out you didn’t report him ??? Sorry to be harsh but this man is dangerous

Northernsouloldies · 16/04/2023 09:23

You were lucky to not have been murdered and he was lucky you didn't die. Some woman may not be lucky next time and there will be a next time for this violent rapist.

GraysPapaya · 16/04/2023 09:24

Op he could have killed you and may kill the next one. I don’t think you’re grasping this.
if you report you could prevent harm to other women, or at least he’ll get put away for murder for the next one rather than a sex game gone wrong.

YoBeaches · 16/04/2023 09:24

What sort of problems are you worried about OP?

Original poster
Scardeycat1 · 16/04/2023 09:28

@YoBeaches i’m afraid i can’t go into detail without revealing personally identifiable information but it would likely be in the press, on social media, my kids would be aware… a whole snowball of events I have been through in my mind and with the therapist and I’m not happy to progress with.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 16/04/2023 09:28

He is an abuser.

He pushed your boundaries and conditioned you to think that ''rough sex'' was normal and that you should do it in the name of experimenting. Then he escalated his behaviour and assaulted by forcing you to do something when you were drunk and then trying to strangle you.

He could have killed you...

Another idiot who is copying extreme porn to the point where he doesn't care about hurting women and putting their life in danger.

Report him to the police. You have hospital records to back your story.

GeneHuntsCowboyBoots · 16/04/2023 09:28

Sophie Moss (RIP)

Toocooltoboogie · 16/04/2023 09:28

It's terrifying to report I understand that. How do you feel about ringing the Rape crisis line and talking to a trained volunteer? It's 24hrs and female only. 08085002222 or webchat via the website https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/?utm_source=rapecrisis.org.uk&utm_medium=want+to+talk+page&utm_campaign=support+line+website&utm_content=hero+block+bullet+points

I know you are getting therapy support but maybe this can help aswell?

24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line

Did something sexual happen to you without your consent? Or you're not sure? No matter when or where it happened, we are here for you.

https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

PonyPatter44 · 16/04/2023 09:29

I agree with @GraysPapaya . Report it even if you don't take it further. The police will have it on record. Then, when some poor woman turns up dead and he says breezily that it was consensual rough sex gone wrong, your report is right there to prove him a liar.

Dibbydoos · 16/04/2023 09:30

Babsexxx · 16/04/2023 08:28

This is absolutely fucking disgraceful op please report to the police immediately he has absolutely no boundaries at all terrifying! So sorry that your going through this.

I agree. It needs reporting to the police.

SmileEachDay · 16/04/2023 09:31

Hi OP

Therapist is a really good idea - sounds like you have a good friend in RL also.

It was absolutely assault- what a violent, porn addled man he is. I’m sorry this happened to you.

It would be worth - as well as your therapist- you contacting one of the specialist rape charities (are you UK based?) because there may be some more specific support and advice that would be helpful.

I totally understand your concerns about going to the police - unfortunately women can have little confidence in sexual violence being dealt with swiftly, fairly and appropriately. Even if it is, the stigma that attaches itself to women is often unbearable.

You are not responsible for further attacks by this man. He is.

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 09:32

Crocodilekneecaps · 16/04/2023 09:23

And if he kills someone and it gets out you didn’t report him ??? Sorry to be harsh but this man is dangerous

And if he doesn't and it doesn't?

This is her choice.

Sindonym · 16/04/2023 09:32

Report - that is way beyond consensual rough play.

Newnamenewname109870 · 16/04/2023 09:32

Him messaging you later to ‘ask if you’re ok’ is a really great way to manipulate you into thinkng he’s being nice. It is in no way okay and he can’t do this to any other woman and think it’s okay. He could end up killing someone.

Newnamenewname109870 · 16/04/2023 09:33

Aren’t you worried about him killing someone?