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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 07/05/2023 15:10

rookiemere · 07/05/2023 11:32

You were being a bit of a wet blanket about your chocolates. I would just have said "Yes they do look nice don't they ?They are my absolute favourites and DH bought them for my birthday, so they are off limits I'm afraid "
I'd maybe start having some cheap frozen chicken dippers in the freezer. Offer them those when they need feeding instead of your lunch for the next day.
I'm wondering how you have grown up so meek and mild mannered with a DM who bulldozers her way through life.

Do this. And be blunt: you cannot afford to be providing them meals regularly and unexpectedly, especially with the shocking cost of food. My grocery shops have literally doubled in price from a year ago and it's awful.

StarsAndHas · 07/05/2023 15:13

I have a friend like this.

I don't like inviting her around anymore. She's lovely but one of life's takers and so very tight.

She never invites us to hers but comes with her husband and children to have lunch then stays on till dinner with snacks for the kids in between. Sometimes she brings ice cream but asks to take the tub back home if it hasn't been finished.

I have started only offering shop bought biscuits and tea and saying that I can only make it for a couple of hours.

Your parents are not behaving well in your home. Mine would pay for a grocery shop if they stay with us and offer to cook for us as well, which is what I would do for her if I am visiting.

Your parents are taking advantage, maybe your mum has food envy or they're very stingy.

Katrinawaves · 07/05/2023 15:16

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:09

I guess that the backstory is that my siblings and I all had a fairly poverty stricken, turbulent childhood and my parents really weren’t great parents. They have helped us all out in different ways over the years, but they really wouldn’t win any parent of the year awards and both myself and my siblings bear a lot of emotional scars from our upbringing.

My mother is also an incredibly, incredibly selfish and entitled person, she genuinely believes everything should be handed to her on a plate her whole life (and on the whole it has been!) and she shouldn’t have to make any effort or do anything to help herself. She’s not cooked for me or my DC in YEARS, she doesn’t even cook for herself and my dad anymore, my dad has to do all the cooking now.

They’re not in a great financial position, and whilst we are much better off than they are, like PP’s have said, we’re feeling the pinch of the COL crisis and aren’t a piggy bank for them to shake. They CAN afford food btw, they waste so much of their money on crap!

They basically just can’t be bothered to cook I think so come over hoping for a meal a few times a week. Like I said, it wouldn’t be so bad if my mum helped with the meal but she never does (though she will wash up)

What also doesn’t help is I have a martyr of a MIL who is the complete opposite who dedicates her whole life to her children and believes that a parents job is purely to serve their DC, even when they’re adults. So she never stops bitching about my parents and saying things like ‘It would be the other way round if I lived nearer, you’d be coming to me for tea 3 times a week’ I think this rubs off on DH who then becomes a bit resentful of my parents and I can’t blame him, but it all just adds to ten stress for me.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents have helped us out and they love to babysit the DC so we can have an evening out etc which we are very thankf for and always get them a little something to say thank you (which they don’t ask for to be fair) but they definitely see me and DH as a bit of a cash cow I think as we’re the wealthiest out of my siblings. It’s just becoming too much and I’m becoming resentful.

In which case have a grown up conversation with them. Forget the passive aggressive suggestions that have been made about not offering them food when they turn up or giving them toast or a bland meal.

Just call them up and say something along the lines of “Mum, you and dad have got into a habit of calling round at dinner time and expecting to be fed and that’s not sustainable for us as a family. I don’t have the time or the money to stretch family meals for an extra two people without any notice. It’s always lovely to see you of course but going forward we won’t be able to feed you a meal when you visit unless that’s been planned for and agreed in advance”

cptartapp · 07/05/2023 15:20

My parents were both dead before 70.
And if I knew they'd both be dead before 70 I'd still feel pissed off if they behaved this way.
They seem incredibly selfish, pushing themselves in. Every week?!
Just see less of them. You shouldn't be made to feel grateful because they fed you as children they chose to have!!

LimeCheesecake · 07/05/2023 15:22

Agree a grown up conversation. They are being cheeky and rude to you so it’s ok to be a bit rude back. When they arrive at 3/4pm, at 4:30 say “right I’m going to have to ask you to head off now.”

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 15:23

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2023 10:47

I live 300 miles away from mine on purpose.

And I live nearly 4,000 miles from mine.

Didn't stop her from once suggesting I nip home and drive her to a doctor's appointment.

JudgeRudy · 07/05/2023 15:23

My guess is they're oblivious to how annoying this is. If they do it regularly without issue or anything being said it's kind of understandable.
I think this is best brought up before they arrive so gor example if they say they'll call round at 4 let them know that's a bit of sn awkward time. Suggest 13:30 instead or 6pm

ColdHandsHotHead · 07/05/2023 15:24

I would plan for when your parents turn up unexpectedly and it would be 'Oh we're having beans on toast tonight' or 'we're having pancakes' to the point where they get tired of cheap meals.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 07/05/2023 15:26

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2023 10:47

I live 300 miles away from mine on purpose.

100% this

Dutch1e · 07/05/2023 15:27

Your mum sounds very draining and your dad sounds basically invisible.

Would you feel strong enough to just say "not today" when they make the suggestion of coming over? Or clearly setting the expectations when they arrive? "Hi mum and dad, glad you here although I'll have to gently boot you out at 5.30, we're busy after that." Then follow through and shuffle them out the door at 5.30 on the dot.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 07/05/2023 15:28

@Chanelsunnies just do beans on toast whenever they turn up, one round of bread each - you don't want to over fill them as they will obviously have their evening meal when they fuck off get home Halo
Either that, or only have enough for you (inc DH and the kids) and offer her a dairylea sandwich. Every.single.time.
Or suggest she orders a takeaway, remembering to tell her what you, DH and the kids will eat. 😂

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:36

Be grateful you a) have parents and b) live close to them. You don't sound very nice.

LuluBlakey1 · 07/05/2023 15:36

I would never even think negatively about it- I'd just make sure there was enough food incase they came round. I wish my mam and dad were still here to see and spend time with my DC- I'd be delighted to make them some tea on a Saturday.

Sparkletastic · 07/05/2023 15:37

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:36

Be grateful you a) have parents and b) live close to them. You don't sound very nice.

You sound really awful too.

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:40

Eating posh chocs in front of visitors without offering is rude beyond belief - you must be a delightful family altogether! No manners in either generation.

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:41

Sparkletastic · 07/05/2023 15:37

You sound really awful too.

Show quote history

No, I just love my family and don't moan about them to strangers. And I don't eat chocolates in front of guests without offering.

Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:42

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:40

Eating posh chocs in front of visitors without offering is rude beyond belief - you must be a delightful family altogether! No manners in either generation.

I’m aware it was awful manners and wouldn’t dream of doing it normally but I think I’d just had enough at that point. There was plenty of stuff laid out for them to eat, stuff they liked, my mum just felt entitled to it because it was ‘better’

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:43

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:41

No, I just love my family and don't moan about them to strangers. And I don't eat chocolates in front of guests without offering.

Show quote history

Did you have a turbulent upbringing with fairly irresponsible, selfish and shit parents though? If not, you can’t really compare.

OP posts:
Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:44

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:43

Did you have a turbulent upbringing with fairly irresponsible, selfish and shit parents though? If not, you can’t really compare.

Show quote history

Funny how you left that bit out of your post. This isn't about dinner at all, is it?

Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:47

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 15:44

Funny how you left that bit out of your post. This isn't about dinner at all, is it?

Show quote history

Honestly, it’s not relevant really as it’s about basic manners and I don’t consider turning up at someone’s house multiple times a week, expecting to be fed to be very mannerly.

I gave more info as PP were implying I should feel indebted to my parents for all they’ve done for me. I was pointing out, that actually, compared to most parents, they really haven’t done an awful lot.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 07/05/2023 15:48

Lots of people start a thread thinking it's about one thing and the process of writing it and reading responses makes them realise the problem goes a bit deeper.

MistyMountainTop · 07/05/2023 15:53

Well this thread has really brought out all the miserable folk who treated their parents badly and didn't remember that people always die in the end, hasn't it?

MMT - no parents or in laws left and no regrets as to how they were treated when alive.

ooooofffff · 07/05/2023 15:56

I don't think eating a birthday chocolate in front of someone who you've fed for free for months is rude!

It's certainly no worse than pitching up at someone's house and hanging around until dinner time.

It would be different if you had a standing arrangement, where they came for dinner once a week, for example.

We had a similar situation, DH and I are probably the "best off" financially in our respective families. Everyone would come to us for Mother's Day etc. as we have most room to accommodate.

We'd all have agreed to a takeaway in advance. Everyone would eat and then leave without so much as offering a penny.

All the while knowing the takeaway had cost us a small fortune. Honestly, like £200. The restaurant was expensive, which everyone always commented on!

After this happened three or four times we said no more. We told them we weren't millionaires and everyone would be expected to chip in.

People can assume that if you're financially comfortable you can afford to pay for everything. Even if you earn well, outgoings can be high. Sometimes people need telling you won't be their cash cow

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 16:01

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:47

Honestly, it’s not relevant really as it’s about basic manners and I don’t consider turning up at someone’s house multiple times a week, expecting to be fed to be very mannerly.

I gave more info as PP were implying I should feel indebted to my parents for all they’ve done for me. I was pointing out, that actually, compared to most parents, they really haven’t done an awful lot.

Show quote history

Then grow up, get some therapy and deal with the real issues. Otherwise you're just whining into the ether.

TheGoogleMum · 07/05/2023 16:01

Why not invite yourself over their house instead and do as she does hinting about dinner?