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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 07/05/2023 14:24

It doesn’t sound like lack of money, avocado and prawns are expensive. It sounds like your mum doesn’t want to cook (hence avocado and prawns - non cook meal). I would start planning their visits differently to avoid them be around meal times and see how it goes.

billy1966 · 07/05/2023 14:25

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 12:26

Sorry, out at the moment so don’t have time to reply to loads of comments, but just to say; it’s not once a week. Well some weeks it is, others (like last week) they ‘popped over’ about 4 and were still sat there at 6 three times!! So three times last week I ended up feeding them and as a family, we can’t afford to feed two extra adults three times a week wt the moment. It’s getting expensive.

It’s the unsaid expectations as someone else said. My mum EXPECTS us to feed her, but won’t actually say it and if I say ‘have you eaten’ will say yes but then as soon as I start prepping food for ourselves will come over and basically say she wants some of our dinner. Her manners are appalling and it’s starting to piss me off. I have said something in the past but it falls on deaf ears.

They sound both rude.

But you are not being clear.

3 times in one week when you work is really excessive.

Start saying No.

You will have to spell it out.

The chocolates would bug me too.

Robinni · 07/05/2023 14:25

We used to have this, relatives who came to visit late on once a week and lingered to the point where it got embarrassing and we had to feed them.

There were 4 of them and hard up at the time so I think that’s why they did it and we were too polite/concerned to decline.

Unless this is the case for your parents, perhaps it’s time to say “why don’t we come over to yours for Sunday lunch, be lovely to get out of the house and have a change and I’m really tired cooking” or “why don’t we all go out for tea and split the bill”

It’ll soon wean them off.

ginghamstarfish · 07/05/2023 14:28

The point is that nobody should just regularly turn up uninvited just before meal time, as it's inconsiderate.

Ladysquamy · 07/05/2023 14:30

That would do my head in but just tell her that it's not affordable. My dad never cooked for us when we went to stay at his house (at his request) and instead he insisted we went out for every meal and went halves. I had to tell him that we wouldn't be able to come anymore because we couldn't afford to eat out at every meal. He just said OK. He definitely didn't offer to pay 😂You need to be honest and say it's not affordable. They shouldn't be assuming it is in the first place really. I think your mum is cheeky. I make lots of dinners for my children and I don't expect them to 'pay me back' later.

SapphireSeptember · 07/05/2023 14:31

I didn't realise eating your own chocolates, in your own house, without wanting to share one was considered rude, especially as they had biscuits. Is this really the kind of nonsense people worry about? Meanwhile OPs parents are definitely being rude expecting to be fed multiple times a week.

SapphireSeptember · 07/05/2023 14:33

I suppose I should say if I was eating chocolates my mum wouldn't be able to have any anyway, as she's pre-diabetic.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/05/2023 14:33

LadyKenya · 07/05/2023 11:04

I am shocked by some of these comments to be honest. I would just make sure I had food in, especially if you know that they are likely to call round in the week.

Not everyone has spare money now though due to inflation and rising prices.

hookiewookie29 · 07/05/2023 14:34

Tell them to pop to the chippy on there way over.....and bring you something too!

PaintingTheSky · 07/05/2023 14:34

Just shove some takeaway leaflets in their hands and tell them to order themselves something to be delivered to their own home.

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 14:36

Your mum sounds quite selfish. The opposite of decent caring behaviour. You need to stop offering.

Though if someone gave me quiche to eat, I would never be back ;-)

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2023 14:41

You are making a rod for your own back op. It’s easy - stop offering; just say no; etc. She was a total CF re the chocolates but you shouldn’t really have been eating one in her presence, given you know what she’s like and was bound to ask about it!

BowiesJumper · 07/05/2023 14:41

Just say “we haven’t got enough food to stretch to you two too” every time. They’ll soon get the message.

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 14:48

If you can’t say no then change the time to 1830.

They should be more considerate of a busy mum to young kids.

And 🙄 to all the predictable irrelevant posts about dead parents and your parents fed you for 18 years etc. This is not working for the OP now so things need to change and they should be more considerate.

skyeisthelimit · 07/05/2023 14:51

YABU to eat a chocolate in front of them without sharing, that was a bit rude.

YABU to keep on feeding them without saying anything.

If you can't afford to feed them 3 times a week then just stop. They will only get the message if you stop. Next time serve up your own food and simply say that you do not have enough to feed everyone.

Are they short of money themselves? If so, then can you help them to get some help, get referred to a food bank or something? Or if they are starting to get beyond cooking for themselves, help them to order in ready meals etc from the supermarket?

I wouldn't begrudge my parents anything as they have helped me a lot over the years, however they would not have expected me to feed them as well when I was struggling with money years ago.

Highfivemum · 07/05/2023 14:51

I would love this. Parents Turing up being involved in your life and your DC. Unless you are struggling then I think u ABU. They have provided for you a lot more over the years. To ease the pressure why not say the next time can you bring dessert or similar. Try not to let this become bigger than it is. You only get one set of parents.

Strawberrydelight78 · 07/05/2023 14:55

My mum used to do this when we had all moved out and she stopped taking in care leaver's. She would come at least 2 or 3 day's a week. Don't think she wanted to go home and cook just for her after cooking for students all day. There was the odd time after we had been for a day out together. I also recall going to collect a Chinese after a long day travelling home from a holiday. She never contributed I paid as a thank you for coming with us to help me out. (Single mum of two with autism)

She used to go to my other sisters as well. Mainly to see the kids. Didn't bother me but she always fed us when we went to hers often for a roast dinner. I just used to add more veg or garlic bread and salad if we had pasta to make it stretch. She got pancreatic cancer and we lost her at 61. So I'm glad I never turned her away and my children have those memories of her having tea at our house. Once a week isn't much when they're your parents.

Strawberrydelight78 · 07/05/2023 14:56

^Exactly this^

Irequireausername · 07/05/2023 14:59

I think if anything it's the parent's job to provide meals to adult children when visiting. My parents have never expected meals from me (though i'll always provide something)

My MIL bitched about my homemade meal and complained about the choices offered, so I made a point of never cooking for her ever again! If she was at least a tiny bit grateful, I would have had no problem feeding them but she was actually very, very rude. No loss for me really, more food and money for us and DCs.

Strawberrydelight78 · 07/05/2023 15:01

Just say we can't afford to feed two extra people 3 time's a week with the cost of living. But if they want to come over could they bring some to cook or heat up. Rather than say don't come over at all.

nettie434 · 07/05/2023 15:02

I would find this so frustrating. I think there's no point asking them if they've eaten because they say they have and then want to eat your meal. I think you just have to be firm about stating in advance that you will/won't be offering a meal when they come round.

I am afraid you will have to eat your chocolates in secret. I think it's ruder to ask for someone's chocolates when they only have a few left than to ask for someone's last few chocolates when they have already offered you a biscuit. The fact she asked for one shows she has no shame.

I agree that it seems more as if your mum doesn't want to cook than if they are struggling financially. It might make it easier to make the occasional casserole for her but you are definitely not unreasonable to want stop feeding them several times a week.

Theoldwoman · 07/05/2023 15:02

Wow. Just wow. Be thankful your folks are still alive.

LiveAHappyLifeBePositive · 07/05/2023 15:02

As with other posters just tell them you can’t afford it.
Offer then some toast if they’re hungry.
If you stick to your guns your dm will get it….eventually

diddl · 07/05/2023 15:04

Theoldwoman · 07/05/2023 15:02

Wow. Just wow. Be thankful your folks are still alive.

Op probably is.

Just doesn't want to have to keep feeding them unexpectedly!

Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 15:09

I guess that the backstory is that my siblings and I all had a fairly poverty stricken, turbulent childhood and my parents really weren’t great parents. They have helped us all out in different ways over the years, but they really wouldn’t win any parent of the year awards and both myself and my siblings bear a lot of emotional scars from our upbringing.

My mother is also an incredibly, incredibly selfish and entitled person, she genuinely believes everything should be handed to her on a plate her whole life (and on the whole it has been!) and she shouldn’t have to make any effort or do anything to help herself. She’s not cooked for me or my DC in YEARS, she doesn’t even cook for herself and my dad anymore, my dad has to do all the cooking now.

They’re not in a great financial position, and whilst we are much better off than they are, like PP’s have said, we’re feeling the pinch of the COL crisis and aren’t a piggy bank for them to shake. They CAN afford food btw, they waste so much of their money on crap!

They basically just can’t be bothered to cook I think so come over hoping for a meal a few times a week. Like I said, it wouldn’t be so bad if my mum helped with the meal but she never does (though she will wash up)

What also doesn’t help is I have a martyr of a MIL who is the complete opposite who dedicates her whole life to her children and believes that a parents job is purely to serve their DC, even when they’re adults. So she never stops bitching about my parents and saying things like ‘It would be the other way round if I lived nearer, you’d be coming to me for tea 3 times a week’ I think this rubs off on DH who then becomes a bit resentful of my parents and I can’t blame him, but it all just adds to ten stress for me.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents have helped us out and they love to babysit the DC so we can have an evening out etc which we are very thankf for and always get them a little something to say thank you (which they don’t ask for to be fair) but they definitely see me and DH as a bit of a cash cow I think as we’re the wealthiest out of my siblings. It’s just becoming too much and I’m becoming resentful.

OP posts: