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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:04

So last summer parents came over on a Wednesday evening, arrived about 5.30 after we’d finished work, they’d had a BBQ at ours on the Saturday. We were all sat in the garden drinking a glass of wine, it got to 7pm and it became clear they’d sit there all night if we let them so I had to say ‘sorry guys, but going to have to get dinner on now so will have to ask you to make a move.’ To which they both looked at me like I’d slapped them round the face, wounded, puppy dog eyes and went ‘oh okay, yeh’ and off they went.

When they left, DH said ‘that was so awkward’ I was like I know, but we don’t have enough to go round tonight and we only fed them at the weekend!! They just made us feel so guilty and genuinely would have sat there all night and expected dinner if I hadn’t said to them.

So I have spoke up in the past but just end up getting made to feel really guilty.

I think this post is just a moan/ vent really and to double check whether I’m just being tight/ unreasonable as they make me feel like I am.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 07/05/2023 16:04

You'll have to speak up and tell her that you cannot afford 6 extra adult
meals a week and they could bring dinner or cut back on visits at teatime.

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 16:07

Goodness, the number of people who waste their lives thinking up passive-aggressive schemes they'll never ever put into practice 🙄. Anything rather than actually facing up to problems, right?

Original poster
Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:10

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 16:07

Goodness, the number of people who waste their lives thinking up passive-aggressive schemes they'll never ever put into practice 🙄. Anything rather than actually facing up to problems, right?

Are you my parents? You seem very angry about me posting about this for some reason. It doesn’t affect you or your life, no-one‘s forcing you to read the thread so I don’t quite get why you’re getting so het up and rude.

OP posts:
Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 16:12

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:04

So last summer parents came over on a Wednesday evening, arrived about 5.30 after we’d finished work, they’d had a BBQ at ours on the Saturday. We were all sat in the garden drinking a glass of wine, it got to 7pm and it became clear they’d sit there all night if we let them so I had to say ‘sorry guys, but going to have to get dinner on now so will have to ask you to make a move.’ To which they both looked at me like I’d slapped them round the face, wounded, puppy dog eyes and went ‘oh okay, yeh’ and off they went.

When they left, DH said ‘that was so awkward’ I was like I know, but we don’t have enough to go round tonight and we only fed them at the weekend!! They just made us feel so guilty and genuinely would have sat there all night and expected dinner if I hadn’t said to them.

So I have spoke up in the past but just end up getting made to feel really guilty.

I think this post is just a moan/ vent really and to double check whether I’m just being tight/ unreasonable as they make me feel like I am.

In the context of a functional family, yes you totally are; however, it's clear that there is huge dysfunction in your relationship with your parents, and you are allowed to take steps to deal with the root cause of that, even if it means excluding them from your life. Your situation as you describe it sounds unbearable, but as you acknowledge, it's really not about dinner. I wish you happiness and a resolution to your problems.

selfemployedwwyd · 07/05/2023 16:25

I would always have food for my own parents.

They fed me for years!

Strawberrydelight78 · 07/05/2023 16:25

That's very cheeky especially if they haven't contributed to anything themselves. I always take something if invited. Even if it's just a dessert out the freezer or bottle of wine. Always ask if there's anything I can bring. Can never have too many burgers and buns for a barbi.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 07/05/2023 16:29

I don't suppose there's a practical way that you can arrive at theirs with DH and the kids and then sit around their dining room table with sad eyes, looking hungry, is there?

woodhill · 07/05/2023 16:30

Strawberrydelight78 · 07/05/2023 16:25

That's very cheeky especially if they haven't contributed to anything themselves. I always take something if invited. Even if it's just a dessert out the freezer or bottle of wine. Always ask if there's anything I can bring. Can never have too many burgers and buns for a barbi.

Same here.

It sounds like it's all take and no give with OPs dps

WomblingTree86 · 07/05/2023 16:34

I understand your irritation OP. Those that don't have probably never been treated as a cash cow by their family. My MIL had similar expectations and she didn't even bring DH up. It's quite difficult to refuse to give them anything whether that's food or money that they say they will pay back (in the case of MIL) and having to do so is quite irritating in itself.

HerMammy · 07/05/2023 16:38

@selfemployedwwyd
RTFT the parents were neglectful

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 16:42

Note.
Never ever complain about your parents if they are alive because you are lucky they are not dead.

WomblingTree86 · 07/05/2023 16:44

WorldOutThere · 07/05/2023 16:42

Note.
Never ever complain about your parents if they are alive because you are lucky they are not dead.

In that case no one should complain about anyone just in case they die at some point in the future.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 16:50

My sil used to this to her dps-i th8ink it was driven by her husband at the time as she became very tight never paid out for anything

theyd turn up 5pm on the dot knowing her mum would have dinner on and walked in saying oh yum whats for dinner-mil felt she had to give them some of it

i told her to stop cooking dinner at the same time every night eat earlier or just say im not cooking tonight-they seem put out but it eventually stopped

all these your parents fed you for years is bollocks you dontg know owe them food forever

is there a way you can talk to your dad about it op-just say we'r struggling with feedng you all the time can you just come for a visit cuppa and biscuits maybe

Beelezebub · 07/05/2023 17:01

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:04

So last summer parents came over on a Wednesday evening, arrived about 5.30 after we’d finished work, they’d had a BBQ at ours on the Saturday. We were all sat in the garden drinking a glass of wine, it got to 7pm and it became clear they’d sit there all night if we let them so I had to say ‘sorry guys, but going to have to get dinner on now so will have to ask you to make a move.’ To which they both looked at me like I’d slapped them round the face, wounded, puppy dog eyes and went ‘oh okay, yeh’ and off they went.

When they left, DH said ‘that was so awkward’ I was like I know, but we don’t have enough to go round tonight and we only fed them at the weekend!! They just made us feel so guilty and genuinely would have sat there all night and expected dinner if I hadn’t said to them.

So I have spoke up in the past but just end up getting made to feel really guilty.

I think this post is just a moan/ vent really and to double check whether I’m just being tight/ unreasonable as they make me feel like I am.

This is what you need to keep doing. Feed them if you’ve invited them, but tell them to leave when you haven’t. They know exactly what they’re doing when they behave with puppy dog eyes to a request for them to leave, you know they’re doing it on purpose so develop the thick skin they’ve got in spades and choose not to feel guilty. Awkwardness will linger for a while until they get the picture, but you can choose not to let them make you feel guilty.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 17:03

I'm intrigued by all these families eating dinner at 5pm. If you came around my house hinting for dinner at 5pm you would face a 3 hour wait. And surely most people are just finishing work by then?

ladida2 · 07/05/2023 17:17

Spookysnake · 07/05/2023 16:07

Goodness, the number of people who waste their lives thinking up passive-aggressive schemes they'll never ever put into practice 🙄. Anything rather than actually facing up to problems, right?

This.

So many people can't be close to their parents as I would just have told them, politely.

Tbh my parents would never have done this anyway but, if they did, I would just check beforehand. And then make enough to go around. If not planning to cook (using left overs), I would say that and suggest that they bring their own?

Just be transparent!

PorthosWing · 07/05/2023 17:27

@Chanelsunnies this would drive me nuts, I wouldn’t answer the door, I would if possible move further away. Your priority is your own family.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/05/2023 17:42

I don’t consider turning up at someone’s house multiple times a week, expecting to be fed to be very mannerly

Neither do I, OP, and especially not after your update at 15:09

What I'm not clear on though is whether the visits are pre-announced or they're just dropping in? With the first I'd be clear that mealtimes aren't convenient, and with the second you could always say you're just going out (and quickly grab a coat to put on before answering the door if you know it's them)

I'd still gladly invite them for a meal though, but just break this particular habit

Teateaandmoretea · 07/05/2023 17:48

If my dad did this (not that he would because he comes for meals on invitation but will pop round for a cuppa on spec) I’d just tell him he needed to tell me earlier in the day so I planned accordingly.

Randomly turning up at dinner time to be fed is utterly bizarre behaviour.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/05/2023 17:49

I don’t consider turning up at someone’s house multiple times a week, expecting to be fed to be very mannerly

^ the understatement of the century.

It’s really fucking rude.

Manchester1990 · 07/05/2023 17:51

It’s my mom and she’s a good person so i wouldn’t begrudge her a meal once a week.

writingworry · 07/05/2023 17:51

I would cut off my arm for my parents to pop in for dinner a few times a week

Buy more food

Don't be petty

Pinkdelight3 · 07/05/2023 17:52

Never ever complain about your parents if they are alive because you are lucky they are not dead.

That's not remotely realistic. They're not saints, especially the OP's parents. If people behave badly it's fair enough to complain about them and not something one should beat oneself up about when they die. You can't go through life thinking like that. You have to live and experience emotions.

REignbow · 07/05/2023 17:53

@Chanelsunnies I think you need to ignore their puppy eye look, as they do it to make you feel guilty.

Why are they popping over at 4pm? You do realise that they do this so they around at dinner time.

It is time that you put on your big girl pants and ignore any guilt tripping that they do.

I think @Chanelsunnies you resent the expectation