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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenDressy · 07/05/2023 13:35

Well...they did feed you for the first 18+ years of your life 😊

It's hard to comment on this without thinking about how much I'd love to still have my parents around, coming over for dinner and being annoying 😊

But as others have said, talk to them about it. If it's not because they're short of money then do some joint planning and get them to bring food over.

IfICouldIStillWouldNot · 07/05/2023 13:36

You live too near to your parents. My mil lives a mile away and she is super demanding, expecting to see DH most days and sulking and being a pita when he doesn't do as she wants. This wouldn't be an issue if we live as healthy hour and half's drive away.

Fourpeasinapodcast · 07/05/2023 13:38

Her manners are appalling and it’s starting to piss me off

They must have rubbed off on you. Imagine sitting there having tea and you running off to get one of your posh chocs and siting there eating it and not offering anyone one. That is beyond rude. Wait until they are gone at least!

ThinWomansBrain · 07/05/2023 13:39

@tatteddear I did DF's online shopping for a few years before he died, and although he always kept £££ in cash around his home, in the end I asked him for his card details to do the online shop - tons easier.

Boomboom22 · 07/05/2023 13:41

It's extra rude because it should be the other way round if anything! Fair enough if they were shopping for you, but so weird they expect to now be the kids. Are they very elderly?

TomatoSandwiches · 07/05/2023 13:42

This would annoy me too, only because I would prefer to plan a meal for them visiting, I hate people popping by.

If you are sure there is no financial issue for them then can you be blunt and let them know you are happy to have them for dinner once a week but if they choose to visit at dinner times more often they will have to make so with a cup of tea and some biscuits.

starfishmummy · 07/05/2023 13:44

Butterfly44 · 07/05/2023 11:36

Presumably your mum is similarly irritated' at having to do dinner for you when you were a child. Hmm

Honestly, unless there's some back story, give your parents a break and include them when they visit. Have a word and say from now on you'd like to know when there expected departure for logistics so your prepared.

I do wonder how often they fed the OP's friends when she lived with them or whether they are providing food and drink when the grandkids visit.

SpringIntoChaos · 07/05/2023 13:44

I just can't imagine feeling this way about my parents to be honest (I totally get that some people don't have a great relationship with theirs, which is completely different of course, but it doesn't seem like this is the case here as the OP sees hers regularly).

I lost both of mine last year, within 12 months of each other, and I would do anything to have them 'just pop round' again, and me feed them...which happened a lot and I bloody loved! They did so much for me when I was a single mum with two young children, the least I could do to pay them back was share my bloody lasagne with them!

ChokeToDeathOnThreePoundsOfMeat · 07/05/2023 13:46

You should either

Have a proper adult conversation with her/them about it
Make something you like but that you know they wouldn't choose to eat
Only make enough for yourselves (and don't go hungry yourself - why should you)
Ask when they're going home as you need to get dinner started
Offer them a ready meal
Ask them if they can bring something round for dinner next time (& then actually ask them what they've brought next time when it's obvious they plan to stay for food).

Are they struggling for money? Why are they expecting you to feed them if not? If so, can you help them to access support in other ways that don't leave you in such an awkward position?

CabernetSauvignon · 07/05/2023 13:46

Well...they did feed you for the first 18+ years of your life 😊

Not relevant. That goes with the territory when you decide to have children. They were presumably fed during the first years of their lives, OP is now feeding her children. What parent expects to be repaid by their children?

Doggymummar · 07/05/2023 13:48

Highlyflavouredgravy · 07/05/2023 11:08

Could they be secretly struggling financially and you feeding them helps out?

That was my first thought too. And how many times did they feed the OPS friends unexpectedly when times were hard? Very mean spirited post.

CabernetSauvignon · 07/05/2023 13:51

Next time they say they are coming over at that time, make it absolutely clear that they need to make their own arrangements because there won't be any food for them. Then, when you mother comes sniffing around telling you she's starving, say that you warned her there wasn't enough for them and there still isn't, so if she's still starving she will need to go home to get something to eat. And repeat that every time till she gets the message.

IncompleteSenten · 07/05/2023 13:51

Maybe you need to be blunt.

Please eat before you come round because I cannot afford to keep feeding you several times a week.

Either that or feed your children only and you eat later when they've gone.

Tessisme · 07/05/2023 13:57

Wow, you are lucky enough to have parents alive who want to visit you and fed and cared for you for the first at leat 18 years of your life and you begrudge them a bit of dinner once a week ??!!! Shocking .

What a ridiculous argument. That children should feed their parents just because their parents fed them. I mean, parents have to feed the children they chose to have, or they'll receive a visit from Social Services. Also, OP has returned to say that her parents don't just show up once a week, but rather more often sometimes.

woodhill · 07/05/2023 14:00

CabernetSauvignon · 07/05/2023 13:46

Well...they did feed you for the first 18+ years of your life 😊

Not relevant. That goes with the territory when you decide to have children. They were presumably fed during the first years of their lives, OP is now feeding her children. What parent expects to be repaid by their children?

Yes exactly

Also some reciprocating would be good

DM came over for dinner last night but bought chocolates for me and she took us for a meal a couple of weeks ago

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 07/05/2023 14:02

I would rather say “we are busy on the weekend let’s leave it for another time” rather than start making a point that is a problem for you that they stay for dinner. At the end of the day, they fed you for most of your life and I’m sure they continue to support you even in little measures since you left home.

Would it work to have a “family” Sunday dinner once a month at yours? If they want to see you more often they can invite you and your family over.

NOTANUM · 07/05/2023 14:02

There comes a point at which older people struggle with planning and cooking meals. My own went from a full fridge and regular home cooked meals to an almost empty fridge and shopping for ready meals to put in the microwave.
I wonder if your mum is using these drop ins as a way to avoid cooking.
An honest chat is needed here.

Cherry2010 · 07/05/2023 14:03

Wow that would do my head in! My weekends are precious and evenings even more so! It’s really not fair on you to just drop in like that, and expect to be fed. You’re going to have to head them off: tell them to leave visiting on a Saturday night as you want to spend time having a date night or something. Don’t put up with that.

knobheeeed · 07/05/2023 14:05

The chocolate thing was rude on your part and you brought it on yourself. You shouldn't have eaten the chocolate in front of her if you weren't prepared to share.
The incident yesterday could have easily been dealt with. You just had to say you were having leftover lasagna and there wasn't enough to share but that there would be food at the event at 7 pm and they could get something there. I don't know why you offered the quiche.
If she's doing this several times a week, yes, it's a pain. But on the other hand, I really don't see why it is a problem to have them there for dinner once at the weekend - surely you can just make a bit extra of whatever it is. They are your parents - can't you share with them?
Put a stop to it mid week though - if it's a financial problem, tell them - sorry, we can't afford to feed 2 extra adults 3 times a week. Cut down some of the mid week visits - sorry, the kids have too much homework, we need an early night, we need some downtime mid week.

knobheeeed · 07/05/2023 14:08

I lost both of mine last year, within 12 months of each other, and I would do anything to have them 'just pop round' again, and me feed them...which happened a lot and I bloody loved! They did so much for me when I was a single mum with two young children, the least I could do to pay them back was share my bloody lasagne with them!

Hell yes. I would do anything to have mine pop in and stay for dinner. One day they aren't there any more.

AppallinglyReheated · 07/05/2023 14:10

Oh no, would not be tolerating this bullshit.

Be blunt with them.

" If you're hoping for tea you're shit out of luck we've only got enough for us'

Or if you cannot bring yourself to do that, then make sure the ONLY available option is something bland and boring, slice of toast, cheese sandwich... but pick ONE, and only offer that forever more. Nothing else, no choice, just that one thing.

She may get the hint if she only gets a slice of toast every single time!

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/05/2023 14:18

@Chanelsunnies

Can’t believe you went and got a choc just for yourself op and didn’t offer them any. If you didn’t have to go around you should have just had biscuits with them. Rude

Shhhquirrel · 07/05/2023 14:20

Sounds like you have inherited your lack of manners from them OP. Do you really think it is acceptable to secretly scoff a fancy chocolate and not offer guests one? Could you really not have waited until they left if you didn’t want to share?

Hankunamatata · 07/05/2023 14:21

Just do sandwiches or toasties for dinner and have main meal at lunch

Luckynumbereight · 07/05/2023 14:22

Could it be something as simple as that your mum has become too lazy to cook and clean up?

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