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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 08/05/2023 19:32

Grow a pair, be a grown up and have a conversation with them and explain the situation.
i wouldn’t be annoyed at feeding them - ever.
but, I would like them to let me know beforehand.

BashfulClam · 08/05/2023 19:39

@selfemployedwwyd great for you but OP has said they are finding it hard to afford. It’s hard to feed two extra mouths these days. I wouldn’t have any issue making dinner and saying ‘sorry I don’t have enough for you to join us.’ Then ignoring them while having my dinner, they can go home and make their own dinner.

BoredofLondon · 08/05/2023 19:41

You are annoyed at your own parents expecting to be served some basic dinner - those people who fed you and raised you and who are your flesh and blood? Seriously? I would feel so sad if my children acted like this when they’re grown up. That said this must be cultural, I grew up in the Mediterranean culture where sharing food in the family is default and cannot even start to understand either the post or the harsh responses.

1234S · 08/05/2023 19:49

You are so tight and with your parents?! My god. We would never behave like this with family.

1234S · 08/05/2023 19:50

Agree but thought i was being r rude

its cultural! How can you be so tight with people who raised u?! On basis they were good parents and no abuse etc !!

SnozPoz · 08/05/2023 20:00

Are they struggling financially? Personally if my parents, or any family member or in fact anyone were coming over I would make sure there was enough food for everyone always. I certainly wouldn't eat leftovers in front of them or eat chocolates I wasn't going to share. So yes I think YABU

Babycakes6 · 08/05/2023 20:14

@diddl
I think that you were rude to have a chocolate & I think your mum was very rude for saying that she would have one.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Blueink · 08/05/2023 20:14

I would be expecting to feed them at the time they are at your place and would consider it rude to eat without offering to include them.

They are also not people, they are your parents.

ludders01 · 08/05/2023 20:16

I know it sounds lovely having your parents over but every week? I think it cheeky that they come over and expect to be fed. If it’s not prearranged then I would just make the tea for your family and say you haven’t got enough. Then suggest that next week you’ll both do a joint tea and they’ll bring say a quiche and some desserts to go with the salad and potatoes you’ll buy. That would really p*as me off if that happened every weekend after being out all afternoon with the children and working full time. I can’t get over that everyone is okay with it. If it’s prearranged then when you’re prearranging it then you sort out the food arrangements then. If it’s not a prearranged visit then don’t make anything for them.

startingagain13 · 08/05/2023 20:16

I wish I has parents. My dad was lovely but developed dementia while I was pregnant with my first child when I was in my 20s and my mum died when I was a teenager as she was an alcoholic. However in saying that, even I think boundaries are important.

Sennelier1 · 08/05/2023 20:23

I have had a similar experience with my inlaws. DH is an only child. When our 2 DC were small his parents insisted on watching the children if and when we went out - usually workrelated functions. The problem was they expected to being fed, so before going out to have a nice meal I stood in the kitchen and cooked for my children ánd inlaws. Ordering pizza or such was not an option since they didn't like anything you can possibly have in takeaway. Then I discovered they kept my children up much too late for a school nignt because they themselves were too bloody stupid to use the remote control and so let very young children put on movies for them 🤦🏼‍♀️ From then on I asked the neighbours' teeanagers to babysit for me, payed them very well and let them share in whatever I cooked or ordered for my children.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 08/05/2023 20:24

I think you just need a few choice sentences. Also don't ask th if they've eaten. You know the answer and it'll only take a few weeks of not asking and making a point of not feeding them to get the message

'Do you want to sit in the lounge and watch telly whilst we eat!'

'It's lovely, we're going to eat outside, do you want a glass of wine to have whilst we eat'

'Apologies, I'm going to be rude and ask you to leave now as we're going to eat'

'Sorry to be rude but I hope you don't mind if we eat tea now'

Rinse and repeat

Nothing7 · 08/05/2023 20:37

Definitely agree about boundaries, as if some weeks it’s 4 times where do you get the chance to just relax and have quality time with your family without feeling like the host.
i would definitely start making excuses, not enough in, oh we’re nipping to a friends for dinner, we’re not cooking tonight we’re going for a drive through, why don’t you see your other children a bit more…
It would drive me insane having anyone doorstep me that many times a week, it’s like your time is not important and you’re expected to play host.

Nothing7 · 08/05/2023 20:37

Maybe you need to move half hour + away…

Mummywarrior · 08/05/2023 21:43

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:10

Are you my parents? You seem very angry about me posting about this for some reason. It doesn’t affect you or your life, no-one‘s forcing you to read the thread so I don’t quite get why you’re getting so het up and rude.

Show quote history

Because the vast majority of MN users are here to try to make people as bad as possible. It’s like a hobby for them

SaponificationQueen · 08/05/2023 21:52

Some people I knew had a problem with someone showing up at their house almost every night right around dinner time. They ended up setting a place for them because it would be rude not to. They got really tired of it, so one night they put the plates on the floor for the dog to clean them off, then put them back in the cabinet when the dog was finished. Of course, they pulled them back out and washed them once the uninvited guest was gone. They never showed up at dinner time again.

Whatafliberty · 08/05/2023 21:55

I wish I still had my parents. They could come to dinner as often as0

Whatafliberty · 08/05/2023 21:56

Sorry......as often as they wanted. Life is too short. Xx

Erex · 08/05/2023 21:58

YANBU overall, but you are BU if you keep feeding them. I know you've mentioned it and it falls in deaf ears, so you need to consistently refuse and actually stick to it. Doesn't have to be confrontational, just form and clear you won't be putting up with it.

When your mum said she'd have a chocolate instead of a biscuit - "good one mum! We've got digestives or ginger nuts, which do you fancy?"

Or when she mentioned the lasagne smelling good - "thanks, I think I missed my calling as a chef! We won't be long anyway, help yourself to tea and biscuits!"

If she then mentions that she expects to be fed, tell her that sounds lovely and to let you know what food she'll be bringing and make sure to bring enough for everyone/remember DH has a shellfish allergy/avoid pasta as the DCs won't eat it...

SarahsHoneydew · 08/05/2023 22:23

I don’t wish to be rude but I don’t understand the issue, they are your parents, just tell them it’s not on! I’d understand if you had to tread carefully if they were your in-laws but it’s your Mum and Dad, you don’t have to be rude but tell them it’s too much

user1497561561 · 08/05/2023 22:26

OMG! They are your parents it’s only food. You know they come every Saturday unless so make a bit extra if not stop bitching and tell them to visit earlier or later or not at all. There will come a time when they won’t visit 😥

user1497561561 · 08/05/2023 22:28

LadyKenya · 07/05/2023 11:04

I am shocked by some of these comments to be honest. I would just make sure I had food in, especially if you know that they are likely to call round in the week.

This

sixminusone · 08/05/2023 22:50

I can't believe that this is a real post and also the responses!

They are your parents, they brought you up. Fed, clothed and looked after you and you're begrudging them a plate of food once a week. It's unbelievable that you have that type of animosity towards your own parents.

Just make a little bit more food, you know that they're coming. Everyone have beans on toast or something cheap if you don't want to share your other food.

Even if I had uninvited random guests I would offer them food and make something quick to share between us all, if it was dinner time. And even if they didn't come at dinner time I would insist they stayed to eat!

Seriously though-people are kinder to strangers.

RachelGreensHair · 08/05/2023 22:53

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 08/05/2023 20:24

I think you just need a few choice sentences. Also don't ask th if they've eaten. You know the answer and it'll only take a few weeks of not asking and making a point of not feeding them to get the message

'Do you want to sit in the lounge and watch telly whilst we eat!'

'It's lovely, we're going to eat outside, do you want a glass of wine to have whilst we eat'

'Apologies, I'm going to be rude and ask you to leave now as we're going to eat'

'Sorry to be rude but I hope you don't mind if we eat tea now'

Rinse and repeat

These are such awful awful examples, I can't believe there are people who think is ok to say to anyone let alone your parents!!

Erex · 08/05/2023 23:05

OP has mentioned that it's not just once a week - often multiple times, mum has always been very selfish and won't cook for herself at home, hasn't cooked for OP or her kids in years, alongside other issues.

Maybe if you had a lovely upbringing and your parents weren't selfish you'd be happy to cook for them. In this case, I think OP does need to be very firm in making it clear that no matter how much mum hangs around and hints, she won't be fed on demand as and when she pleases.

I'd happily cook for my own mum and stepdad as they would, and do, for me and my family. My "dad" wouldn't get near the front door and the harsh suggestions given by pp would be absolutely lovely compared to what I'd say to him if he turned up for dinner. 😂