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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

403 replies

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 10:20

Quite often, especially of a weekend, my parents will come over about 3/4pm (at their suggestion and we are often out before that with the kids anyway and don’t often get in til about 4 on a weekend) It gets to 5/6pm and I start dinner, I obviously always feel like I have to feed them and if I have enough then I don’t mind and do so.

They came over at 5pm yesterday as there was evening entertainment that started at 7 in our village for the coronation that they said they’d like to join us at, fine.

Yesterday, though we were having leftovers (lasagne) from Friday night and I didn’t have enough to feed them. It got to 6pm and I said ‘I assume you guys have eaten already? Otherwise, I think there’s going to be food available at this event’ they replied with ‘ohhh yes we had something before we came out’ whilst I’m reheating the leftovers my mum then comes over and is all ‘ohhh, what is that, smells lovely, I’m starving’ I was like, I thought you’d eaten?!’ And she said ‘oh yes we had an avacado with prawns’ wtf?! I said, well that’s hardly a dinner is it? I had a quiche in the fridge so I said ‘well, there’s a quiche in the fridge that I can bung in the oven for you?’ She instantly jumped on it ‘ohhh yes that’d be great.’

AIBU to be getting a bit fucked off with what seems like constantly having to feed them? (this happens pretty much every week) They always suggest coming over so late, knowing it runs into dinner time and just always seem to expect that I’ll feed them. I’ve got a busy job and two children, they don’t do anything to help in terms of food when they’re here, just sit and wait for it.

If I was going over to someone’s house late afternoon, unless it was specifically stated that they would be feeding me, I would say, don’t worry about dinner for us, we’ll eat before we come/ when we get home etc.

It’s the bloody hinting all the time after first insisting that they’ve already eaten. Does my head in. Don’t say you’ve eaten if you haven’t to try and ‘be polite‘ but then actually be rude by constantly asking what you’re having for dinner because they’re ‘starving’ it’s happening more and more.

It’s my mum more than my dad. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and DH had bought me some of my favourite chocolates. They came over, I made them tea and laid out some biscuits (their favourite biscuits!) I had a few chocolates left so I went and grabbed one and ate it with my tea. My mum instantly clocked it and siad ‘whats that?’ I said oh DH bought me my fave chocolates the other week, I’m on my last few’ ‘oh, I’ll have one of those rather than a biscuit please, they look much nicer.’ I was like wtf?! Yes I was a bit rude to not offer them one but I only had 3 left and I’d already offered them an assortment of bloody biscuits for gods sake. You just don’t say that sort of thing? She has zero manners and it’s actually starting to grate on me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sunshinemode · 08/05/2023 23:07

You invite people over at 5 or 6 in the evening. When are they supposed to eat. If someone especially someone I liked was coming to my house at that time I would know I would be feeding them and plan the meal accordingly so make something that can feed more

louderthan · 08/05/2023 23:18

OP isn't inviting them, she says in the first post on the thread that they just turn up.

starfiyah · 09/05/2023 01:18

Yes, you are being unreasonable. They are your parents, for Heaven's sake. Cherish them while you still have them. They're getting older, lonelier, they miss their daughter. Fulfil their wish whilst they are still alive. How can you see your parents as burdens for this. Surely you were a far larger burden on them when they used to be the one feeding you. AND clothing you, funding your education. Your mum was the one who was pregnant with you for 9 months, and then birthed and weaned you in hardship. You robbed her of her sleep as an infant. If you have children, you know how hard this is. If it were not for them, you would not be where you are now. Be grateful and honour your parents.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/05/2023 01:25

You're mean-minded. I bet most of the goady harsh repliers on here, in reality would never ever do same to their parents. I'd say different if your parents are horrible but you've not said they are. When you know they're coming over get something cheap in then, at least. Doesn't sound like they're asking you to cook anything special. Or, since they're your parents just tell them you don't want to do dinner for them. Passive aggressive is pointless just be direct.

CabbagePatchDole · 09/05/2023 01:38

I wish my mum was alive to cook dinner for.

when she WAS around it was us grown up kids who would turn up expecting food and she loved it. When I was a proper kid she never turned anyone away. Quite a few people would turn up at our house because they couldn’t afford to eat and she would feed them all - even though she had very little herself. She always told me that there are certain ingredients that are very cheap and which you can make go a long way.

I’m not saying you should do this. Your post just brought back memories.

T1Dmama · 09/05/2023 02:24

@Chanelsunnies do they ring before coming??
I think I’d pop in theirs every night after school or on the way home from your weekends out…. Just go in for a cuppa and then leave… it would be odd for them to then turn up at yours after you’d been there!
Either that or tell them straight that you simply don’t have enough food for them / can’t afford to keep feeding them.
Or get some of the really cheap pizzas or microwave meals in your freezer and offer them to them every time they turn up… stating you don’t have enough to go round…
Or simply offer beans on toast EVERY time they are there over dinner… they’d soon get bored and stop coming…

OR just do as you did before and state ‘sorry guys we need to eat dinner so you need to go…. But I’ll see you next Tuesday.

iwillnotstaycalm · 09/05/2023 03:02

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries OP!

If it is really bothering you, have an honest conversation with them. Explain your feelings and see if you can come up with some limits / boundaries that work for you.

NumberTheory · 09/05/2023 03:14

Whatafliberty · 08/05/2023 21:55

I wish I still had my parents. They could come to dinner as often as0

Don't try and guilt people like this. It's nasty.

AppallinglyReheated · 09/05/2023 03:31

I honestly cannot believe even half the people hear giving it the guilt trip and the 'omg its your PARENTS' shit, would genuinely be happy to have to scrabble around making meals planned to feed 4 stretch to 6 (or whatever it is), with only a few minutes or hours notice, multiple times a week!

Purely on a practicality basis, thats a fucking nightmare, never knowing if a meal will do two nights or not, if a meal will actually stretch, having to rummage about to add things to pad it out. On top of that, yeah, cost is an issue for most people these days!

OP says her parents are not well off, she did not say her parents are brassic and unable to feed themselves!

I'll feed anyone at the drop of a hat as a one off, or an emergency - but to repeatedly and frequently invite themselves round, with no notice, and mooch about, lingering in the hopes of a free dinner - the height of rudeness no matter who they are!

Blaidd · 09/05/2023 03:39

Years ago I would quite happily ask my parents for Sunday lunch. I kinda put a stop to it when my mother would specify what SHE wanted 'Can we have lamb instead of chicken? Don't put that touch of Worcestershire sauce in the gravy and can you make the carrots round, not batons blah, the nerve. It was never reciprocated even without children. Naff Off!

SydneyMamma · 09/05/2023 04:19

They're not someone or some people; they are your parents. I can't understand this mindset. Would it be better if they didn't come over at all rather than you giving them dinner? You know they're coming so have food in, make a little extra. You could also ask them to bring something, so just say something along the lines of "Mum and Dad, we're having X for dinner. I assume you'll stay? Do you mind bringing some Y or dessert or wine?"

Also eating chocolates in front of people, even family, and not offering them some is just plain rude.

As someone who has lost both parents I can't understand how anyone could be so mean-spirited about one's parents. They raised you surely that in itself is enough to warrant dinner??? I would never begrudge giving mine some dinner and not when they're making the effort to spend time with my family.

SydneyMamma · 09/05/2023 04:22

And just to add, as long as they're not being demanding. If they are, be firm but nice and state your reasons for doing things the way you're doing them. No need for drama if they're just there to enjoy time with you.

AppallinglyReheated · 09/05/2023 04:50

SydneyMamma · 09/05/2023 04:19

They're not someone or some people; they are your parents. I can't understand this mindset. Would it be better if they didn't come over at all rather than you giving them dinner? You know they're coming so have food in, make a little extra. You could also ask them to bring something, so just say something along the lines of "Mum and Dad, we're having X for dinner. I assume you'll stay? Do you mind bringing some Y or dessert or wine?"

Also eating chocolates in front of people, even family, and not offering them some is just plain rude.

As someone who has lost both parents I can't understand how anyone could be so mean-spirited about one's parents. They raised you surely that in itself is enough to warrant dinner??? I would never begrudge giving mine some dinner and not when they're making the effort to spend time with my family.

I think part of the issue is she does NOT know they are coming, or if she does, does NOT know they're expecting to be fed, until the very last minute when she mentions making dinner or actually starts cooking.

I am baffled as to how it is abominably rude to eat ONE chocolate (not 'chocolates') in front of someone who has already been served something else, and yet it is totally acceptable to repeatedly turn up without warning, and linger on hoping to be fed or to demand 'can we have some of that' as some one is cooking?!

Yes, it's rude to eat treats without offering to guests, but then guests are not people who show up without being invited, who invite themselves, who expect to be fed, and do this multiple times per week. They're not guests, they are not affording the OP the common decency actual, invited, expected guests would (or should) and so the etiquette no longer applies!

WorldOutThere · 09/05/2023 04:53

1234S · 08/05/2023 19:50

Agree but thought i was being r rude

its cultural! How can you be so tight with people who raised u?! On basis they were good parents and no abuse etc !!

Read the OP’s posts about her parents. On such a long thread, why wouldn’t you do that first before replying?

WorldOutThere · 09/05/2023 04:54

sixminusone · 08/05/2023 22:50

I can't believe that this is a real post and also the responses!

They are your parents, they brought you up. Fed, clothed and looked after you and you're begrudging them a plate of food once a week. It's unbelievable that you have that type of animosity towards your own parents.

Just make a little bit more food, you know that they're coming. Everyone have beans on toast or something cheap if you don't want to share your other food.

Even if I had uninvited random guests I would offer them food and make something quick to share between us all, if it was dinner time. And even if they didn't come at dinner time I would insist they stayed to eat!

Seriously though-people are kinder to strangers.

It’s not once a week. Read the OP’s posts properly.

WorldOutThere · 09/05/2023 04:57

starfiyah · 09/05/2023 01:18

Yes, you are being unreasonable. They are your parents, for Heaven's sake. Cherish them while you still have them. They're getting older, lonelier, they miss their daughter. Fulfil their wish whilst they are still alive. How can you see your parents as burdens for this. Surely you were a far larger burden on them when they used to be the one feeding you. AND clothing you, funding your education. Your mum was the one who was pregnant with you for 9 months, and then birthed and weaned you in hardship. You robbed her of her sleep as an infant. If you have children, you know how hard this is. If it were not for them, you would not be where you are now. Be grateful and honour your parents.

Ugh what nauseating crap. The OP did not choose to be born, weaned and fed. She didn’t demand all that. And her parents weren’t that’s great either if you bothered reading her comments.

WorldOutThere · 09/05/2023 05:01

SydneyMamma · 09/05/2023 04:19

They're not someone or some people; they are your parents. I can't understand this mindset. Would it be better if they didn't come over at all rather than you giving them dinner? You know they're coming so have food in, make a little extra. You could also ask them to bring something, so just say something along the lines of "Mum and Dad, we're having X for dinner. I assume you'll stay? Do you mind bringing some Y or dessert or wine?"

Also eating chocolates in front of people, even family, and not offering them some is just plain rude.

As someone who has lost both parents I can't understand how anyone could be so mean-spirited about one's parents. They raised you surely that in itself is enough to warrant dinner??? I would never begrudge giving mine some dinner and not when they're making the effort to spend time with my family.

‘As someone who has lost both parents I can't understand how anyone could be so mean-spirited about one's parents’

Do you not understand that people have different childhoods? Different parents? Sometimes abusive and neglectful. People have their own stuff going on. Relationships are complicated. There are lots of autobiographies out there or psychological texts which could help you understand why some people are ‘mean-spirited about one’s parents’ if you are still struggling.

LongPond · 09/05/2023 05:03

What a sanctimonious thread with guilt-tripping! Some people cannot understand that others have different relationships with their mum and dad to them, alive or dead. Shows a distinct lack of imagination and empathy.

RatatouilleAndFeta · 09/05/2023 05:42

Wow. These people brought you up? You're not very nice about them. Were they bad parents?

RatatouilleAndFeta · 09/05/2023 05:44

notalawyer · 07/05/2023 11:26

Wow. Your mum made you and birthed you and fed you for many years I would assume. You're lucky enough to have your parents close enough for them to visit you. I could not get worked up about feeding my own parents, who fed me for so many years.

If I didn't have enough food, I would suggest something quick they could put in the oven themselves though and ask for a bit of a hand tidying up. For such regular guests, no waiting on them should be happening. But equally, I would not mind sharing food with them at all. Just make sure you always have something quick in the freezer for them, if you don't have enough from your meal etc.

Totally agree

Tourmalines · 09/05/2023 05:47

I understand what you are saying. I think it’s your parents that are being selfish . So they never once ever cook for you or their grandkids? They never bring food over ? I could never do this is my kids . I would feel like I’m using them .

1Raisedeyebrow · 09/05/2023 06:38

I’m confused - it’s your mum and dad, why wouldn’t you want to feed them? People do not live forever. This once a week thing whilst annoying to you now, you may well be thankful in the future that you and your children have these memories.

I grew up in a large extended family and no matter whose house you went to food and drink was offered. It was also like that with friends. Food is always offered. And it was an offence to decline.

Maybe it’s a generational, societal or cultural thing 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps just be honest to them about how you feel with regards to the dropping in and expectation of food.
I totally understand the working, being busy with the children that this weekly drop by isn’t always helpful.

daisymoonlight · 09/05/2023 06:45

I’m confused - it’s your mum and dad, why wouldn’t you want to feed them? People do not live forever. This once a week thing whilst annoying to you now, you may well be thankful in the future that you and your children have these memories

OP said it was often three times a week and they dont have the finances to feed two extra people 3 x a week which is perfectly reasonable. Its rude of her parents to expect this 3 times a week when people are financially stretched. Why cant they bring food with them if they are so keen to have family time?

ImAvingOops · 09/05/2023 06:47

Some people on this thread are so fucking thick. The OP doesn't have kind, loving parents that gave her a brilliant childhood! It would be nice if posters actually thought about the OPs specific family situation instead of just jumping in with how they'd feel about their own parents doing this. Your experience of childhood wasn't the same as the OP's and she's allowed to feel differently about her mum than you do about yours!

And I think the people who say they'd be totally okay with parents dropping round up to 4 nights every week and never knowing whether they have enough food to stretch, are deluding themselves and would soon get pissed off!

daisymoonlight · 09/05/2023 06:53

The OP doesn't have kind, loving parents that gave her a brilliant childhood

Exactly. The OP said her mum was incredibly selfish and self centred throughout her whole childhood. She wasnt a "great mum".