Teachers don't have it as hard as my husband says he does

I'm sure when you add up the school holidays versus OPs paid holidays and one day a week off, the DH will have more non working time, for those saying she should go full time.

Not sure why he should do tutoring! He is already exhausted with what he does and that would make him even less available in the evenings. The family earn plenty. I think that's a red herring.

Exactly

If op left him, he'd have to do it all himself

He sounds burnt out .

That said there is only one person who can do something about that and that’s him. So he either works on himself to cope with teaching better or he considers leaving teaching to something that won’t burn him out.

the answer is not to burn the both of you out with 5 day weeks.

As a fellow teacher who had a COVID/menopause breakdown it sounds like your husband is depressed. He sounds like he has lost the joy in life. My amazing doctor listened to a description of my anxiety, sleep deprivation, grumpiness and the aggressive incidents of a few children in my class with ineffective support in place. She signed me off sick for 'at least a month'. It was the best thing I ever did. I was worried about leaving my class, even for a week.I needed someone else to tell me I was unwell. Encourage him to get some help or change jobs or both. Your marriage and family come first 💐

OP, does he do housework or not? Lots of posters picking up on this and your OP says he moans about it. I read his as him doing it, albeit reluctantly.

Who cleaned your toilets and looked after your kids, Xenia?

Sounds like your life would be far easier as an official single parent.

I was a teacher. I was permanently tired, tetchy and having done it 20 years I was utterly unaware of how work could and should be. The never ending to do list and incessant high intensity of the job is not something you realise unless you've done it.

Your DH can get other jobs. I have done it, taken a whopper pay cut to restart in a different field.

Everything is SO much easier in the house. I have time, energy and more importantly patience I didn't have before. I still feel like I am not working "hard enough" because I don't work at 100mph for 10 hours a day.

So yeah, it could partly be the job. But he can change jobs and you might need to be supportive about encouraging that as a lot of teachers feel very trapped in the job. Maybe he needs some help him to change career track.

That said, there's no excuse for that level of laziness either. I was teaching AND doing most of the kids/house stuff before. He needs a foot up his arse on that front.

Well he is clearly using his job as an excuse isn't he. Lots of people work into the evenings and manage to do chores at the weekend. I think you know that, and, if he changed jobs, he wouldnt be suddenly letting you lie in and doing half the chores.

was married to a teacher and have been a school governor for years. the cult of ‘teaching is the most stressful job’ is very strong in schools. It’s hard, sure - but also seems to create a weird power dynamic in the institution and a group think mentality. Not the only sector that does this, but it’s at a minimum annoying and hard to be part of for a non teacher and at its worst really damaging. Massively feel for you and you are def NBU. He has autonomy to change jobs and also to not buy in to the narrative that the one that stays latest/ does the most is necessarily the best teacher.

I think teachers don’t get that lots of jobs are hard and draining. It’s an important job but hardly anything special given loads of people do it. Hardly like he’s a brain surgeon or something.

However if you earn double what he does you must have plenty of money so why are you “living frugally”?

Exactly.

I will just point out that nowhere in the OP does it say he doesn't do housework. It says he moans about it!

That would be so annoying though!

I hate housework but I’m an adult so I just get on with it.
Hearing another adult moaning about doing housework would be very annoying.

I think he’s not in the right job personally. Is he considering leaving? I think he should. You need a better balance x

Once more for the wilfully hard of hearing, the OP does not say he does nothing with the kids and no housework. Or that he expects her to do everything.

Yes, moaning is annoying. But not not doing it.

I tend to agree that weekends are for fun/relaxing.

But I'm a voluntary slattern.

He sounds awful and as if this is a convenient excuse to be a chauvinist and leave all the housework and parenting to you.

My husband and I regularly both work a 50+ hour week (not teachers so we don't get the long holidays either) and we still split the cooking, housework, admin and child care. Yes we do get tired and grumpy sometimes but we still manage to be nice to each other and the children.

I don't doubt teaching is a very tough 50+ hour a week job and that he is tired and stressed. But it's not an excuse to do nothing. If you divorced him he'd have to do his own cooking and housework and have the kids every other weekend or more. I think you should be doing some of the bulk housework on your day off (weekly shop, clean, laundry) to lighten the overall load and then splitting the rest proportionate to the spare time you each have available.

What happens in the school holidays when you are working and he isn't? I know he may have to lesson plan but that can't be anything like a 50+hour week surely? Does he take on more house stuff then and moan less? If not you have your answer, he's not simply tired from teaching, he's a selfish cunt.

Your husband is being a dick. He needs to manage his work and still be able to function at home. See a GP and if he really can’t cope, plan a change of career.

I do think teachers have it hard at the moment though. I have 2 close friends who are teachers and they’re really feeling it. One of them is finishing teaching after 20 years because the last couple of years have been too much. The things she’s been expected to do due to shortages are shocking. Kids are suffering and it’s only going to get worse as more teachers decide to leave.

But her DH is using the fact he's a teacher to opt out of family life and generally be a poor parent and partner. So mentioning teaching is relevant in this context.

Oh if he's just moaning, tell him to grow the f*CK up!

He's being a wet lettuce

I agree with every word of this.

All the signs are there that this man is deeply unhappy.

I spent 10 years as an engineer working on high stress projects, and 9 years as a teacher, teaching KS3/4/5.

Both jobs have their pros and cons, but secondary school teaching (particularly A Level) is SO much harder than a "regular" job.

It is mentally draining, can be physically hard work (on feet for up to 6 hours a day with often very little time to even go pee, lunch is often shovelled!).

But I LOVE the teaching. I LOVE inspiring the next generation of engineers/scientists etc... I LOVE being able to explain challenging concepts to kids and the sense of achievement they feel when they can finally do something.

And I spend time listening to kids, those whose parents are too busy to listen to them because they have demanding jobs, or lots of other kids to deal with.

Teaching is not something you do for the money. The money is crap. I work 3 days a week which takes up 40 hours a week in term time. Meh.

Sometimes I am envious that my husband comes home from work and that's it until the next day. I could go back and work as an engineer but that wouldn't be in the best interest of our kids, plus my husband is well aware he would lose every single day of his holiday for childcare! As a teacher I do all the childcare in holidays!

Your husband needs to quit teaching if he doesn't enjoy it.

YANBU. If his chosen career means he has to opt out of doing his fair share at home, he needs a different job.

Nobody is forcing him to be a teacher (and he is luckier than many because he’s not got the stress of being the higher earner in your relationship).

You have a husband problem not a teacher problem but it’s all relative…primary, secondary, type of school, responsibilities..you haven’t mentioned any of these.

I teach full time primary lead maths, mat and arts and my work life balance is great BUT that is because I am in a very good school that has workload and teacher wellbeing as a priority. Yes there are times of the year when things get really hectic but then that balances out when we have quieter times.

I have 3 children, do the majority of the childcare and house stuff and have my weekends and most evenings free. I have a cleaner once a fortnight who comes and blitzes for me and that really helps. However I know that if I was working in the school down the road my work life balance would be shot and I would really struggle.

He needs to either find another school or change profession!