Teachers don't have it as hard as my husband says he does

I work in a school and teaching looks like a horrifying profession that I would never ever wish to do. However, your husband being a teacher has nothing to do with the fact he’s a dick.

Welcome to the fucking adult world, dh. Your husband is a moron. What a martyr.

It’s your DH that the problem.

I’m a teacher, currently working full time. That means 8am to 6.30 pm in school, with about 20 minutes for lunch. After cooking and tidying I then do an extra 2-3 hours work 4 nights, plus a few hours each weekend.

I do all the cleaning and laundry in our house, plus all admin for the teens and any decorating in the house. DH often works away, but helps with cooking / washing up/ bins if he’s home. Gardening is shared.

If you’re already out earning him, he doesn’t get to demand that you work more hours. Some teachers do exam marking to top up their salaries, but that’s obviously a lot of extra time.

It's not the job it's him. He's using it as an excuse to dump everything onto you.

What happens in the holidays, does he step up then or is he 'recovering' and 'planning'.

Surely if he hates it that much he could do tutoring instead and more of the grunt work. It sounds he just likes complaining.

It depends where he is teaching. If it’s a special school then yes- he will be working extremely hard. If it’s a private/ grammar secondary- probably not.

Just to add- a secondary I worked in ten years ago was full of my department ‘working til 6pm’. The reality was they were sat in the department room Daily after school having a laugh and doing very little. I always wondered what they said they’d been doing once they were finally at home and the kids had been bathed etc.

What is he like in the school holidays?

My husband is with the children throughout the school holidays while I work full time (compressed hours). He still does his share during term time because there’s still housework and child related stuff to do during termtime.

I usually defend our profession against those who say it can't be that hard...but he's being a dick. I've taught full time since DS was 6, DH has taught full time for 25 years. The house is sometimes a tip, but we never say it's because the other one should have done the work. He lay in yesterday, then did the garden. I had a lie in today and am now doing laundry.
He needs to either leave the job or find a way to do his bit. I never shop after school, DH does it. DH rarely cooks, I do. I don't do gardening or anything to do with bins. DH doesn't hoover.
Does he do anything constructive during the school holidays?

I think teaching is really hard, impossible even, unless you're good at it and enjoy it. For struggling teachers work really does become all consuming.

But he's an adult and he needs to make the decisions required to make life what he wants it to be and contribute to family life.

He sounds typical of many teachers thinking they have it harder than everyone else. He could change career if it’s that bad. He may well be jealous, with you earning twice as much & wfh.

Here we go.

My (single) mum was a teacher and I never remember her behaving life this! She worked hard, but had time for me too, and certainly didn't spend the weekend lying in bed.
Gran was a teacher too, as well as a vicar's wife. She had her full time job, 4 children, two parishes, her elderly unwell mother living at home, aa dog and a cat - she wasn't like this neither. You husband needs to grow up a bit it seems.

I have been a teacher and not a teacher. In neither job did I work as hard as my DH who starts at 7am and finishes somewhere between 6 and 8 pm, with late calls to America and early calls to Australia (he has one at 6am tomorrow, for example) and two or three hours work on weekend days as the CEO of his small business. He took 3 days "off" when my youngest child was born (but did his emails) and really only switches off properly for a few days at Christmas. He's working right now, because it's not a public holiday in mainland Europe.

Some teachers have a thick stripe of martyrdom. Teaching is draining. I know because I taught for many years. Teachers get ribbed because of the "short working days, finishing at 3" and the long holidays. They end up justifying themselves and their working patterns a lot. But is it harder and more tiring than literally every other job? No. If DH thinks every other worker out there has it so much easier, he should put his money where his mouth is and change career.

So, based on your massive sample of one, you deduce that teaching isn’t very hard?

I think it’s more likely that your DH is a knob and that you appear incapable of any sort of critical thinking

There’s a lot of demanding jobs out there, teaching certainly isn’t THE most demanding job there is. He’s completely out of order by not contributing to family life. How does he think his female colleagues manage? Are their other half’s doing all the housework and getting up with the kids whilst they lie in Saturday & Sunday morning? Yeah right

Teaching is a very hard job and incredibly stressful. However, your DH is ungrateful by not recognising all the ‘wife work’ you do to make his life easier. There is a difference between off loading a little with your spouse and using your partner as an emotional punching bag.

He sounds very unpleasant. But I do get that teaching is time consuming and mentally draining at time.

Would he consider change of the job?

That is one goady thread title. Why do you have to bring teachers in general into anything? Why not post a thread title "Is my husband a lazy, self-pitying bastard?" You'd get 💯% agreement.

I guarantee that if you went up to 5 days a week, he'd still find a way to position himself as more hard done by than you and therefore unable to participate more in family life or household upkeep.

Has his job always been this hard, or did it conveniently get harder when you had DCs ?

He should probably quit

This. DH is a primary teacher and I am a middle leader in a secondary school. Both FT. Yet our house is cleanish, our child is enjoyed, DH also coaches DS' football team Sat and Sun mornings and we have homecooked food most days. We have no family help or cleaner.
I'm not saying this to make it seem like we are superhuman.
Yes, we both work hard and can get a bit grumpy sometimes but it sounds like your DH is a grumpy arse and you are facilitating this.
What would happen if you just didn't get out of bed on a Saturday morning, didn't clean the loo?

I was a nightmare to live with as a teacher. I earn double now and the chronic stress is nowhere near as bad. Honestly I think how he is feeling is pretty typical. I totally get why it’s frustrating for you but I don’t think he will have capacity to change whilst he is still teaching. I say this as someone who is no longer a teacher. Please cut him some slack.

My DH is a man and a teacher and works part time.

He , too, dislikes his job (you are allowed to hate a job , even if it is saintly teaching) but has been much happier since going part time. He is a housework slacker, too- but not because of teaching. He is useful in other ways sometimes

But I would point out that it was the OP herself who acknowledged her job was easier than his!! And , yet, then goes on to compare her DH to all other teachers, which seems weird and a propos of not much.

Teaching is one of those jobs (not uniquely) that if you hate it it does drain you. Do you tell him it's not as hard as he thinks it is? If so, that isn't helpful, Help him plan an escape route. It's not like eleventy billion teachers aren't doing the same.

On a completely serious note, in amongst all the DH bashing, I agree that he sounds potentially depressed.

Yabu to say teaching isn't that draining instead of my husband is a lazy arse who doesn't pull his weight. This isn't about his job it's about him.

He's pathetic - the lower earner, does nothing to help and has tantrums.