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Original poster

Pissed off at DH making breakfast

553 replies

SecretEater23 · 11/06/2023 10:28

I've been heavy for much of my adult life, nothing horrendous but definitely gained a lot over covid. Ended up with a bmi of 31 this winter and completely shaken by the death of a colleague (heart attack at 52 leaving partner and kids behind) I decided enough's enough.

Started keeping a food diary and my god, the amount of crap (biscuits, chocolate, crisps, sugar etc) I ate without really registering it in my mind was crazy.

I've managed to shift 7kg so far in 3 months, mostly by cutting out anything between meals, stopping drinking at home and going for a brisk walk as many days as I can.

I still struggle a bit with needing to rely a lot on willpower to resist biscuits with tea, snacks on the sofa watching Netflix and wine of a weekend etc.

My DH just doesn't really seem to want to help, constant offers of "do you want a glass of wine?", "I've got a big bag of crisps you wanna watch a movie" etc. He's never really struggled with weight and I'm not saying this is impossibly hard but 3 months in and it's still requiring a good level of effort to eat healthily and resist my old habits.

This morning, out for a brisk walk with the dog, come back, told DH I was going to stop by the local shop to get some bananas so I could have banana on toast when I got back.

I come in to a fired breakfast.... "it's Sunday, I thought you'd appreciate it" 🤬🤬🤬

Cue a big row about me being pissed off with his lack of support and constant offers of food/drink he knows I'm trying to cut down on.

He's off in the huff, making noises about only trying to be kind and how I'm being ungrateful and it's not like I'm an alcoholic and he's one of those pals desperate for a night out and trying to get me to drink again..... Twat.

Fried breakfast in the food bin and I've just eaten toast and banana.

I know I'm not BU but just wanted to rant

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2023 19:17

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 11/06/2023 17:31

No @AcrossthePond55 , he threw the food away in a temper.

Where does it specifically say that?

The only OP reference I see to food being tossed is what I quoted. Without a pronoun in the sentence I suppose it could be interpreted either way, but to me it reads more as if OP did both 'food in the bin' and 'just eaten toast & banana'.

BadNomad · 11/06/2023 19:22

SecretEater23 · 11/06/2023 14:47

The conversation went exactly like this

Me: right, I'm off out with the dog, going to swing by the shop and get bananas, I fancy banana on toast for breakfast when I get back.

Later

DH: I thought you'd like a bit of a treat, I've made a fried breakfast

Me: I really don't want that, I've got bananas, I'm going to have banana on toast, I did say, that. See if the kids want some of it

DH: I can't believe you're being so ungrateful, I'm trying to do a nice thing, I'm fed up with the constant picking over eating (it's not like that at all, I'm just making better choices).

Me: I'm not being ungrateful, you're the one who's out of order not listening to what I want

DH: you really don't want this? Opens food bin and tips it all away

Me: gives him both barrels about being unsupportive and who the fuck does he think he is to ignore my wishes and dictate what I eat.

Skulks off to watch TV, his plate going cold on the worktop.

I didn't post this earlier beacause I realise it's a massive red flag for controlling behaviour and didn't want to have to spend time insisting that he really is a good husband and a great dad and this is quite uncharacteristic behaviour

@AcrossthePond55

OP suggested he offer it to the children, but he threw it in the bin then stropped off leaving his own sitting on the worktop.

nidgey · 11/06/2023 19:38

Goldenbear · 11/06/2023 18:15

Well that's the thing, the UK didn't have an obesity problem until we had more influences from America, fast food availability we seem to have really embraced. I am not Scandinavian and grew up in London but obviously the culinary influences were a mixture of Scandinavian and English. The diet of my English grandparents and my Dad was not exciting like a Mediterranean diet but you certainly weren't overweight on it. My parents were socialists and heavily involved in politics in the 1960s, their identity was about the music, the politics, the literature they read and obviously we were brought up in that way, food wasn't something that was important to them like it is now to lots of people. I would imagine though that many Brits watch MasterChef but buy in a takeaway regularly. There is an obsession over food now that I don't think was a big part of an English person's (at least) identity, I'm not sure I if is actually helping anyone, it is hard to tell. Like I said my DH loves cooking so I do appreciate it is a hobbie but I don't remember it dominating our free time in the past and we were not anymore overweight than our European cousins.

Show quote history

looks like England has the highest rate of obesity in Europe - https://www.oecd.org/els/health-systems/obesityandtheeconomicsofpreventionfitnotfat-unitedkingdomenglandkeyfacts.htm

Spritetype · 11/06/2023 19:44

It sounds like you're doing amazing OP, it's really life changing when you find something sustainable and that works for you isn't it. I'm not sure why people are going on about the banana on toast, as part of a balanced diet can have a range of foods- sure it might not be the healthiest choice in the world but why does it need to be?

With your updates it does sound like he's controlling rather than it being a case of he does the cooking most of the time and thought it would be nice. You clearly said you wanted banana on toast and even went out to buy the bloody things! Him deciding to cook, plate up and then have a strop when you said no is ridiculous.

I'd have a frank conversation with him and let him know you're serious.

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 11/06/2023 19:44

nidgey · 11/06/2023 19:38

Show quote history

That’s all the people eating Mars bars thinking they’re healthier than a banana 😜

piedbeauty · 11/06/2023 20:12

He always respond with something along the lines of "I'm just being nice"

But he's not being nice! He's sabotaging you - whether or not he realises it.

Tell him what you would find helpful: him buying you flowers instead of chocs, some treaty fruit instead of wine, etc.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/06/2023 20:25

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2023 16:20

OK, I think you're a wee bit U. I say this because it is up to us (the 'overeater/dieter') to learn to say no. Believe me, I've been where you are and I know it's hard and can be upsetting at first, but you need to learn to say 'no' to yourself rather than saying no to him.

I've actually learnt to say no and take great pride in doing so. It gives me a great sense of personal satisfaction to say 'No, thank you' when I'm offered something I don't want to eat. Do I fail at times, sure, but for the most part I'm successful and I think it's because I do take pride in my willpower and my weight control 'successes'.

At this point I've 'trained' my family to offer ONCE and if I say no they drop it. But I don't get angry or upset that they've offered. And I think if you start saying 'no' to your DH without dramatic gestures and he sees the food going to waste he'll probably stop fixing portions for you without asking. Actions being louder than words, as it were. If he doesn't, then he's a diet saboteur and you have a bigger problem.

There is being offered, and saying no... Might be annoying, particularly when you've already said what you're having and have set about achieving that option.

Then there is having someone present you with a plate full of something you did not ask for, that is not the thing you stated you would have already, that you have specifically gone out to get.

These things are not the same.

IF the OP had said:

OP: 'mm, I think I'll have toast and banana for breakfast'

DP: 'I fancy a fry up, would you like that instead?'

OP: 'Actually yes I'll have sausages and bacon on toast thanks'... OR

OP: 'No thankyou, I'll stick with banana on toast'...

Then this thread wouldn't be here.

That is not what occurred.

What actually happened is this:

OP: I think ill have banana and toast, im off to get some bananas, see you in a bit.'

DP, on OP's return: 'I have made you a lovely fry up for breakfast, please consume it and tell me how lovely I am'.

OP: 'No thankyou, I have been out to get bananas, ill be having banana on toast as I already decided.

DP: 'YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL AND FUSSY ABOUT FOOD AND GOING ON AND ON ABOUT DIETS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH SULK STROP throws food in the bin

Do you see the difference now?

planthelpadvice · 11/06/2023 20:39

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 11/06/2023 19:44

That’s all the people eating Mars bars thinking they’re healthier than a banana 😜

Show quote history

Ha! And following it up with half a dozen sausages because of all the proteinz

Crikeyisthatthetime · 11/06/2023 20:55

As far as I can tell, that's 16 pages of posters telling the OP that an ultra processed breakfast swimming in fat is healthier than banana on wholemeal. Even if true it is SPECTACULARLY missing the point.
She. Didn't. Want. It.
DH knew she didn't want it, cooked it anyway then stropped when she said she didn't want it.

sodthesodoff · 11/06/2023 21:05

Crikeyisthatthetime · 11/06/2023 20:55

As far as I can tell, that's 16 pages of posters telling the OP that an ultra processed breakfast swimming in fat is healthier than banana on wholemeal. Even if true it is SPECTACULARLY missing the point.
She. Didn't. Want. It.
DH knew she didn't want it, cooked it anyway then stropped when she said she didn't want it.

I know

It's quite ironic that the op has come here to say her husband has basically overruled her and decided what she can and can't eat only to get a whole bunch of randoms doing the same thing

It's a really controlling technique. Do something against a persons wishes then act affronted when they say no.

If he had been apologetic, oh I forgot/didn't realise etc and given the food to the dcs instead (as the op suggested) then that would be one thing.

The fact he's gone and got into a strop suggests a much bigger issue.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2023 21:05

BadNomad · 11/06/2023 19:22

@AcrossthePond55

OP suggested he offer it to the children, but he threw it in the bin then stropped off leaving his own sitting on the worktop.

Show quote history

I stand corrected and apologize. I think I must have skipped a page in reading the thread.

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:39

Couldn't you have just adapted his efforts?
Swap fried egg for scrambled
Toast instead of fried bread

I'd have had the bacon sausage and mushrooms with toast and scrambled egg

I think you're being harsh on him he's not used to the "new" you . I'd not have binned his effort. That's really not called for .
Wish I had someone to make a brekky now and again.

itwasntmetho · 11/06/2023 21:53

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:39

Couldn't you have just adapted his efforts?
Swap fried egg for scrambled
Toast instead of fried bread

I'd have had the bacon sausage and mushrooms with toast and scrambled egg

I think you're being harsh on him he's not used to the "new" you . I'd not have binned his effort. That's really not called for .
Wish I had someone to make a brekky now and again.

🙄just read all of the op messages if you can't be bothered to rtft.

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:55

I read the thread . Why the humph face ?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 11/06/2023 22:00

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:55

I read the thread . Why the humph face ?

If you'd read all the OP's updates, never mind the full thread, you'd know that her DH binned the breakfast.

AutumnCrow · 11/06/2023 22:04

Maybe the OP has become invisible to all but a few of us.

EbonyRaven · 11/06/2023 22:06

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 21:39

Couldn't you have just adapted his efforts?
Swap fried egg for scrambled
Toast instead of fried bread

I'd have had the bacon sausage and mushrooms with toast and scrambled egg

I think you're being harsh on him he's not used to the "new" you . I'd not have binned his effort. That's really not called for .
Wish I had someone to make a brekky now and again.

FFS. 🙄

HangingOver · 11/06/2023 22:17

My grandma ate bacon every day of her adult life. Despite being a size 16, she lived to 101.
On the other hand, my sister, who was almost obsessive about eating ‘clean’ foods and being size 10 or less dies aged 45 of a stroke

How scientific

Tiredanddistracted · 11/06/2023 22:22

AutumnCrow · 11/06/2023 22:04

Maybe the OP has become invisible to all but a few of us.

Quite.

Pissed off at DH making breakfast
AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:26

And why did he bin it ? If I cooked for someone who did nothing but bitch I'd bin it too .

This thread has inspired me to go for brekky at the garden centre up the road tomorrow - thanks ! Mini fry up
And a cuppa! Ding dong !

EbonyRaven · 11/06/2023 22:33

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:26

And why did he bin it ? If I cooked for someone who did nothing but bitch I'd bin it too .

This thread has inspired me to go for brekky at the garden centre up the road tomorrow - thanks ! Mini fry up
And a cuppa! Ding dong !

If I had made it clear to my husband that I was trying to lose weight, and he made a big fuck-off fry up laden with fat, starch, carbs, and 1000 bastard calories, I wouldn't be binning it - he'd be fucking wearing it.

To have so much disrespect for my healthy way of eating and my need and DESIRE to lose weight and get healthy, by cooking such a massive breakfast that I DID NOT WANT, NEED, OR ASK FOR, would make me question the relationship to be honest. I would question why he was trying to make me stay fat.

OP's husband sounds controlling, manipulative, and passive-aggressive. Trying to gaslight her into thinking SHE did wrong, when HE is the arsehole here.

Speaks volumes about you that you think the OP is in the wrong. Dear me.... Wink

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:38

Calm down dear .

It was a clumsily - not necessarily passive aggressive, attempt at possibly doing something nice - not requiring CAPITAL LETTERS.

Op didn't want it . He binned it . He didn't force feed anyone .

I'd have given the dog the sausage though .

EbonyRaven · 11/06/2023 22:41

AnyaMarx · 11/06/2023 22:38

Calm down dear .

It was a clumsily - not necessarily passive aggressive, attempt at possibly doing something nice - not requiring CAPITAL LETTERS.

Op didn't want it . He binned it . He didn't force feed anyone .

I'd have given the dog the sausage though .

FFS. 😂

EbonyRaven · 11/06/2023 22:41

THIS POST IS ESPECIALLY FOR YOU @AnyaMarx Grin

IDontWantToBeAPie · 11/06/2023 23:35

Ponoka7 · 11/06/2023 10:41

The breakfast should have went in the dog, not the bin. I've had to have a few talks with my DP over what I now will and won't be doing, diet wise. It's took a while, but he now gets it. I'm doing intermittent fasting so I can still eat with him/family.

That's how you get an obese dog.

It should've gone in Tupperware and he could've eaten it the next day.