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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to ask SGB a dirty sex question? Or anyone, really.

370 replies

HappySlapper · 10/07/2010 01:10

Swingers clubs... yay or nay?

Experiences?

I have a friend.... and after much discussion, we have decided to perhaps do this together.

All I want is some pros and cons really. You can judge me if you want, but I won't care

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 12:49

BUT AF - people being coerced for the fear of losing someone is a bigger issue, not specifically to do with swingers clubs.

"Or brainwashed into thinking that you haven't experienced a proper sex life if you haven't been shafted by some stranger with a dodgy 'tache while your partner lines up a firmer version of yourself
"

Well this is just bollocks. I have a varied sex life, and have never swung. I wouldn't want to - the thought of having sex with multiple people, none of whom are my husband is a turn off for me. I don't think that anyone here is saying that if you don't do things that turn you off you are a prude with a shit sex life. But different things turn different people on. Surely it can't be that much of a stretch to see that people might like swinging - I mean, I can see why people would like watching, I can see why people would like sex with other people - it's another step. It's different but it's hardly sex with animals/children/dead people.

Is anything less than vanilla sick/vile/pathetic/laughable? What else do you mock?

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 12:50

LadyA...you are right I have never been to a swinging club. As I said upthread, I was joking about what might actually go on in them, but funnily enough, one poster told me I was very accurate

I was lighthearted at first, but not so much now...

However, I know a fair bit about relationships, enough to say that for most people I think they would detract from, not enhance, a partnership

For every "happy slapper" who is genuinely into exhibitionism and voyeurism, I see an unhappy, cajoled, coerced (possibly very subtly, so she doesn't even realise it) middle-aged lady who has to pretend it is OK

and I don't think it's OK, I think it is sad and desperate

that is just my opinion though, and thanks for respecting it

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 12:53

DP - But that's not boring, it's simply what you like. And I don't think that you cannat have exciting sex with someone that you love. You can have non-spontaneous exciting sex when you are in love, you can be romantic and have "different" sex. I have had sex with few people and only my DH for the last 10 years. It's not boring though.
I accept what you are saying - I woudl also only have sex with someone I was very attracted to and would not consider going to a swingers club. BUT that doesn't make it perverted to do so. I mean, if one can accept that other people like different things - whether it be woman on top/anal/role play/vibrators - that you might not then surely swinging is just another thing.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2010 12:54

AF: you really do seem unable to cope with the idea that women can be uninterested in monogamy and want more adventurous sex. I have dated a few men in the past who were desperate to make me monogamous and as uninterested in swinging as you are.
I have no problem with other people being monogamous, but what I find sad and desperate is the ones who are frantic to coerce people they date into longterm monogamy when these people have said that they are not monogamous and have no wish to be. Monogamy is the only fetish that people have social support for when they want to pressure a reluctant partner into indulging it.

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:56

I agree with Solidgoldbrass.

I have often wondered about swinging and about threesomes (I have had the latter) and they have all been my idea that I have suggested to my partner/s.

Some people just need to go on a very varied sexual journey - just like some people have a need to experience extreme sports.

I am not saying that this is something I would chose to do in my current relationship but I can see how after 15 years with the same person it may be a way of spicing up your sex lifre and is a lot more honest andf transparent to do it together than create dishonesty and do it behind one alothers backs.

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 12:57

Pfft; Yes that's all true....and I guess I'm not what some people would consider "normal" (politically speaking)....

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 13:01

Don't be silly, sgb, of course I can cope with the idea that women may also want this kinda stuff.

This is my opinion. That is all. I'm not losing any sleep over it.

It is only the same as your stuck-record types of posts about monogamy fetishists and mad people who cut arms out of suits'n'stuff.

Swingers are a social joke though, and I make no apology for joining in the piss-take.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2010 13:13

Do you, I wonder, disapprove so much of older/fatter/less fashionable people seeing sexual partners at all? I notice that a lot of the monogamists are going on about how they only desire their older/fatter/baggypants-wearing lovers because of their shared history. Do you then think that anyone who is single after the age of, say, 30, has no right to a sex life because s/he is no longer 'attractive' in terms of being young and lithe? How about people who are single and want sex but happen to be over the age of 50?
Basically is it just the non-monogamy aspect that threatens you so much, or is it your own fear of aging that you're projecting or something?

IFancyKevinELevin · 12/07/2010 13:39

Ladya last time I looked Herpes Simplex A and Thrush were not STI's.

Pubic Lice can be transmitted easily, through towels, sheets and genital warts merely by skin to skin contact.

All risks increased by upping your number of partners and skin to skin contact with the "unknown".

If you are up for swinging, might you not also be up for bareback, prostitutes, adventures in Bangkok if you are of a highly sexually charged nature. Not you, personally, the other guys there I mean.

It's not what you get upto - it's what everyone else has been stirring around in that'd worry me.

Assuming they don't cover themselves in dettol and clingfilm, use dental dams to suck each other off, rim etc. Do they have Dettol handsfree soap nearby for switching partners?

What's to stop some old scuzz bucket jerking off on you while you are otherwise engaged? If you have dental cavities then ewww, ewww, eww.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 13:40

Well, sgb, if we follow your projection about my mindset on this, then I shouldn't be having any sex either

It's about dignity

I don't think displaying yourself sexually to strangers is dignified. No matter what your age or the firmness of your tits.

I think sex is a private pastime, not a public one. I don't think that means I am projecting anything other than just that, tbh.

IFancyKevinELevin · 12/07/2010 13:44

I'm embracing sex as I get old, my husband doesn't have to reach as far to twiddle my nippies now, as they lie on his chest!

Plus having my legs over his shoulders really stretchesme and eases my back problems for the day

Dignity - you got it AF

IFancyKevinELevin · 12/07/2010 13:46

Sorry I said dental cavities, I meant gum disease and erosion.

IFancyKevinELevin · 12/07/2010 13:49

Sorry I said Scuzz Bucket, I meant 55 year old Caravan Club member, driving instructor Malcolm.

And yes - he was at the one I went to.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 13:51

Lovin' it, kev

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2010 14:01

AF: So are you of the no-sex-on-first-twenty-dates mindset as well? Because everyone apart from blood relatives is a stranger to you at first after all. Or do you think group sex is ok after you've had the requisite number of group dates, maybe?
I don't think dignity consists of hating one's own appearance and refusing new experiences because of what the neighbours might say. All those people with love fetishes are perfectly entitled to do whatever suits them best, but given the overwhelming evidence that monogamy doesn't work for everyone and that romantic love is of little or no interest to many people, why are the monogamists so freaked by other people doing what they want to do? Why the need to insist that swingers and the sexually diverse must be physically unattractive, more so than the general run of people? Or that they are diseased? I have been swinging for more than 20 years and I have never, in my life, had an STI.
Thing is, sexuality is political. Right now there's the heteromonogamist 'ideal' with everything else regarded as wrong, or suspect. Some people say that heteromonogamy is best for women: actually the reverse is true. When women can be happily promiscious or utterly celibate without being constantly pestered about it, offered 'therapy' (coercion into obedient normality), hounded out of jobs etc then we will be all right.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 12/07/2010 14:07

AnyFucker - Since when was sex dignified?

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 14:15

Again, I am not "freaked out". Do my posts come over as "freaked out" to you

I don't know where you get the idea, also, that I am one of those women who follow a "set pattern of number of dates, he must buy me a diamond ring before I undo my chastity belt" mindset. I truly feel none of my posts, anywhere, would give anyone that impression. And you must have read plenty, we are always on the same threads .

I don't hate my appearance. I have a healthy amount of self-respect about it and wouldn't consider that flaunting myself sexually to groups of other people would enhance it in any way.

I didn't say anything was "wrong"...I said it was undignified. And, in some cases, sad and desperate.

I didn't say anything was "better" for women. Only what is better for me.

Now if this post is a bit "all about me", then so be it, but you did ask

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 14:17

My point exactly, TCNY, more reason to not do it in front of other people

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 14:20

Read back your posts, sgb.

Your language is betraying the most "freaked-outness", tbh

You are sounding positively hot under the collar

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 12/07/2010 14:24

Dignity is overrated

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 14:27

I don't believe dignity is over-rated (in a wider, general sense)

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 12/07/2010 15:03

What about in a narrower, specific sense?

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2010 15:09

AF: Everybody gets that you, personally, are not interested in swinging. Do you want a medal or something? I just wonder what exactly is driving your need to condemn people who have different sexual preferences as ugly, diseased, desperate, victims. I mean, I'm not into heteromonogamy but that doesn't mean I think everyone who practises it, or even the majority of those who practice it, are repressed losers who don't know why they are less and less interested in sex.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 15:10

How specific ?

Having my legs akimbo whilst a man other than my husband eats me out ? Or watching as he inserts his fingers up another woman's fanjo ?

You mean that specific ? Perhaps not...

I don't consider doing those things to be part of my persona. I would find it degrading and an affront to my sense of values (and dignity). I don't feel lowering my sense of values to be "racy" or "adventurous" remotely attractive.

In other words, I have my dignity. It is mine and I am keeping it.

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 15:57

SGB;

Look at it this way... some people think all BNP voters are wankers......you can't help having an "image" of certain people...that's life