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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to ask SGB a dirty sex question? Or anyone, really.

370 replies

HappySlapper · 10/07/2010 01:10

Swingers clubs... yay or nay?

Experiences?

I have a friend.... and after much discussion, we have decided to perhaps do this together.

All I want is some pros and cons really. You can judge me if you want, but I won't care

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 11:32

OK- Mal, but that is YOU - and no-one is suggesting that YOU go out to a swingers club while pregnant, to do something that you do not wish to do.

IFancyKevinELevin · 12/07/2010 11:44

I think for most posters pro these clubs, they get turned on by the thought of vanilla types finding them outrageous and unthinkable.

What really riles them though, is the thought that actually, the majority of us find them just rather sad and a little bit tedious.

And that includes the experience I had. Yes they all wanted me, I was late 20's leggy and fairly fit with bouncy F cup norkers (look like a lumpy old toad now), but they were all mid fifties and exactly how Anyfucker described and it made me very uncomfortable. I was told there were people my age there. They were polite but very persistant and I didn't like it one bit.

You cannot measure the mindset of people, what if you turn down someone and he follows you home. What if someone gets too rough - do you grin and bear it. If you are in a group situation, like a friend of mine any holes a goal and you don't know who is poking what where and with what on the end of it.

You know it's unlikely your husband will have warts etc. But rubbing on the sofa's swirling round the jacuzzi, herpes, hepatitis, thrush, warts, god knows - even if you are only going with one guy or woman the exposure must be higher surely?

Malificence · 12/07/2010 11:49

Pfft, you brought it down to a personal level by using me and my husband as an example.

I wonder how many swingers have regular STI check-ups? If it's not 100% of them , then surely that's an unacceptable level of risk?

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 11:54

"You know it's unlikely your husband will have warts etc. But rubbing on the sofa's swirling round the jacuzzi, herpes, hepatitis, thrush, warts, god knows - even if you are only going with one guy or woman the exposure must be higher surely?"

IFKEL I suggest you do a little homework on how STI's are actually transmitted

Malificance Surely anyone who is "swinging" should ber using a barrier method of protection anyway...?

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 11:57

I think posters who are pro these clubs like to think they're sexually enlightened & all that, when really they're laughed at my the majority of people...

but consenting adults and all that.... & if you are old/ugly/fat/desperate/sex mad, I guess you have to get it where you can....

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 12:12

HappySlapper...you actually don't sound one little bit "adventurous" and "risque", tbh

You sound a bit naive, a bit deluded and maybe, just maybe that you have been targeted and groomed by a person who really may not have your best sexual interests at heart.

What the fuck do you really know about this "friend" ?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 12:12

Mal- I didn't mean you and your husband - I should have said one rather then you - I was referring to the royal you

With regard to safety - I would say that swingers clubs are no more or less rife with disease than any nightclub and that casual sex should always be considered - this is always an issue when you have sex with someone that you are not in a relationship with. Of course, everyone shoudl be tested and keep themselves healthy - and some people will not, be that in swingers club, or any club. You are not more at risk if you are a swinger - swingers are not some sort of moralless pool of STI riddled nymphos who can't wait to spread crabs. You are just as likely to get an STI from a one night stand from a club. Now - I don't swing, or have one night stands at clubs - but is someone who does the latter somehow less morally defunct than the former?

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 12:19

Of course they are more morally defunct...they are going to a club with every intention of having sex with someone else's husband/wife/partner...or, even worse..to watch other people having sex...

how can that be normal....?

Going to a club and meeting up with someone you decide to take home and have sex with is completely different

SchrodingersCat · 12/07/2010 12:23

I go to a club. Always alone.
I find that it gives me a great ego boost and a shag as well. Most people there are under 45. Never met anyone sleazy either. Last time a few of us sat around half naked while having a chat about the upcoming election. It was a nice evening. Oh and the single men are all scrutinised before being allowed membership. References etc
If you keep safe, trust your instincts then it is fine. I feel safer there then picking someone up in a club.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 12:25

I thought single men weren't allowed ?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 12:26

Well - what do you term normal, DP? I don't term your political beliefs normal, but I don't think that makes you morally defunct.

Yes, people are having sex with the spouses of other people, but it's all with permission, everyone there is consenting. Is it just as bad to go to a club and take someone elses husband home because you met him in a nightclub?

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 12:26

Are you sure you spelt election right?

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:28

DP - just because you don't want to watch others having sexd doesn't mean that those that do aren't "normal".

Each to their own I say and as long as everyone is consenting and its not hurting anyone then who is anyone to judge anyonje else?

Original poster
HappySlapper · 12/07/2010 12:29

AnyFucker... I haven't once said that I'm adventurous or risque.

I'm certainly not naive. I may be deluded, because I've never been to a swingers club before... but there's only one way to find out isn't there?

With all due respect .. and I do like your posts, and your attitude, I find it a little patronising to assume that I might have been groomed, although I appreciate your concern.

I'm 40 years old, with 2 children, and not very shy and retiring. I just fancy experimenting. That's it. No hidden agenda.

OP posts:
dittany · 12/07/2010 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 12:32

It isn't normal to want to watch other people having sex...not to me anyway..

..and I can't think of anything less erotic than the forced situation you must get all over these clubs....

sex should be spontaneous...

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 12:33

I didn't say you had a hidden agenda, HS

But your friend might

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/07/2010 12:36

How spontaneous?

Is it wrong for someone to plan sex with their husband? What about sex toys? Are they wrong? Is it wrong to plan to tie your DH up?

SHould it all be spur of the moment? You're limiting yourself a bit there.

Original poster
HappySlapper · 12/07/2010 12:38

"Who wants to be ogled by some perv who dragged his wife out for some group fucking that he can watch. Yuck."

Or.. his wife dragged him out. Or.... they both decided together... or they're voyeurs... or they're enhibitionists... or they just fancy something different.

There are lots of reasons for people to go. Who cares what they are? It's all consensual and people are having fun without hurting anyone else.

I understand why people might not like it, of course I do. But why criticise the decisions of other adults? All these words being bandied about, pervert, desperate, etc. I just don't understand why you feel the need to criticise. Nobody's making you go!

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:38

I think some posts are a little blinkered and judgemental.

I haven't been to one of these clubs - its not my cup of tea and I don't want to watch my OH shagging anyone other than me - but I have a good friend who has been regually and says they are anything but sleazy and are just full of others with a common interest .

What sex should be for one may not be for another and vice versa - but who is anyone to tell others what their sex life should be or how they should conduct it?

AnyFucker · 12/07/2010 12:38

I would really, really question that everyone at these clubs is fully consenting, tbh

I have a feeling some wives/girlfriends may actually have been coerced into agreeing...under threat of "losing her man" or summat

Or brainwashed into thinking that you haven't experienced a proper sex life if you haven't been shafted by some stranger with a dodgy 'tache while your partner lines up a firmer version of yourself

So sad, innit. Not remotely exciting at all...

dittany · 12/07/2010 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:42

With all due respect Anyfucker - if you haven't been how can you cast an informed opinion?

I watched a very intereting documnetary about this a few years ago and they all just seemed very "normal" people.

Whatever floats your boat and all

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2010 12:46

SOme of you really do seem to thnk that sex is something men make women do, and that women couldn't possibly enjoy group sex, sex with strangers, or have fetishes (or if they do then they are 'damaged' or bad people in some way).
This myth that only men want sex and women want 'love' is actually far more damaging than accepting the right of consenting adults to do what they want with other consenting adults, it puts women in a weaker position and convinces them that they are dependent on male approval and have no autonomy WRT their sex lives.
Having been to a lot of swingers clubs I have met lots of lovely people - and a few bucketheads, but you can meet non-lovely people in any social circle.
No one should be coerced or persuaded into swinging against their will but no one should be coerced into any kind of sexual activity - or any kind of relationship they don't want to be in. Don't forget that monogamous people can be abusive partners too - and some people are abusive because they are obsessively monogamous - the ones who stalk and control their partners, destroy their belongings etc.

daftpunk · 12/07/2010 12:48

Pfft;

I would only be able to have sex with someone I was really attracted to, (and as I've only been seriously attracted to about 4 people in my whole life, I doubt they'd be anyone there for me)....having sex for the sake of it is just not something I could do...I'm very romantic (believe it or not)...I just think all these types of places are really sad...lapdancing clubs/swingers clubs...all the same to me..

I'll settle for being boring....