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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said this? I've been told it was.

268 replies

Rosieeo · 04/07/2010 18:17

We attended the wedding of a friend yesterday. It was lovely, but there was a little incident that has annoyed me and I want some perspective.

DS is 16 months now and is at the 'must look at and then touch everything ... and then I may break it' stage, so I spend most of my time following him around to make sure he doesn't break it.

The wedding was at a hotel with lovely gardens, complete with beer-garden type tables. People were lovely, adorable to DS and DD, who I (of course) think are pretty adorable too.

DS trotted over to a group of women in their mid to late twenties and did the rounds. I knew one of them and was saying hello when one of the women sneered 'Please don't let him touch me, this is a new dress'. She seemed really unpleasant so I led DS away to the other side of the table and said something along the lines of 'Well, this is what I spend weddings doing nowadays, stopping toddlers from eating things off of the floor' to the acquaintance.

The 'don't touch me woman' piped up 'Thanks for giving me another reason why I will never want or will have children'.

Arg! The boy may be busy and sticky but he is fantastic! I said 'Maybe that's the best thing for everyone', said goodbye to acquaintance and walked off with DS.

Later on that night, acquaintance cornered me in the toilet and told me that 'don't touch me' woman had been in tears all night and was devastated that I'd implied that she would not be a good mother.

Now I feel guilty as hell. Was IBU?

OP posts:
robie · 05/07/2010 09:32

YANBU. She needs to grow up. She sounds like an attention seeking toddler.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 05/07/2010 09:48

If you can't take it, don't dish it out. Good for you OP.

Fontella · 05/07/2010 10:08

I think you did great .. and she deserved it. Ok so the first remark she made about the dress you let pass, but the second one was outrageous and I only wish I could have come back with a retort as good as yours. Don't give it a another thought. It might make her think again before she opens her trap.

WildSheepChase · 05/07/2010 10:28

YANBU.

cupofcoffee · 05/07/2010 12:19

YANBU at all. No of course not everyone wants children and not everyone will think your dc are great like you do, but the bitchy comment the woman made to the OP was not called for. If it were me I would of been fine with her stepping away from my dc or even asking please don't let him touch my dress but the 'Thanks for giving me another reason why i never want children' comment I would have found hurtful and so I would have also reacted the same and answered back what she started.

thatsnotmymonkey · 05/07/2010 12:38

YABU

I think you were overly mean and made a very cutting specific remark. You could have said something different, or nothing at all. Excessively nasty IMO.

I think you behaved impeccably otherwise, and the woman was being pretty awful, but did you need to make a did at her not having kids? Cruel.

As we say in Scotland- "Don't take your mark from the midden"

NestaFiesta · 05/07/2010 12:55

YANBU. To imply, as she did, that your child has helped put her off having kids is openly and blatantly offensive. Your remark was fairly mild. She is crying because you stood up to her and she wants the attention and approval back.

BTW I think what you did was right shadowing your DS as he toddled around. Some people just let them run riot, you were being responsible.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 05/07/2010 12:56

Spent all night in tears? Oh puleeze!

She was rude, you were rude back.

That is what happens when you are rude. (well it doesn round here).

HavingAnOffDAy · 05/07/2010 12:59

YANBU - good on ya!!

missedith01 · 05/07/2010 12:59

YANBU ... perhaps the best thing would have been to have said nothing but she was unpleasant and then bitchy and can have no complaints when someone dishes it back.

paisleyleaf · 05/07/2010 13:01

She sounds like something was going to upset her by the end of the day anyway, being that uptight.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 05/07/2010 13:06

Sorry, but this story made me laugh! (not at you)

What a horrible person she must be. She sounds 'childfree-by-choice' and pretty militant about it if she comes out with unnecessarily rude comments like that, with zero provocation. IMO, you were not rude back - well, obviously your reply implied some criticism but it was pretty civil given her unpleasantness. I'd have said exactly the same sort of thing (if I'd been cool-headed enough).

I'm sorry she was upset but if you hurl nasty comments around as she did, you have to expect fall-out. And evidently she has massive ishoos if she clearly says 'I hate children, they're sticky and nasty, I will NEVER have them' and then throws a hissy when someone says 'good for you, it's probably for the best all round'. Whenever I hear a Childfree person proclaiming that they will never have children, I think 'Good - last thing any child needs is a mother who clearly hates children'.

Obviously, I think YANBU!

ReshapeWhileDamp · 05/07/2010 13:11

Reading through some of the comments here, I'm amazed that some people think that saying 'I will never want or will have children' is in some way code for 'Actually, I'd really really like children one day and have suppressed maternal cravings'. It just isn't. The woman sounds Childfree and sounds old enough to have known what she wanted.

Sorry, but how on earth are you meant to know that by saying one thing, she actually means the polar opposite? Of course, you could have just smiled and said nothing, to give her the benefit of the doubt, but in the face of such uncalled-for rudeness, I think you'd have to be a saint to do that.

And there are nicer ways of asking a mother to make sure her sticky toddler doesn't touch her frilly new dress. Though I wouldn't hold that particular comment against her.

kickassangel · 05/07/2010 13:40

yaNbu - if she wants to look after her dress she should look after it - it's her dress. can't she just steer him away before he gets too close?
and the 'that's a another reason' is just bitchy bitchy bitchy.
i think your reply is quite mild in comparison.

if she's then in tears, she must be a nightmare to know. can you imagine at work
her - can you fetch me the ...
answer - no, i'm busy, get it yourself
her - boo hoo hoo.

i'm not someone who adores all kids & think they should be allowed to do what they want, totally the opposite, but if she's that worried about her dress, she shouldn't be wearing it to an outdoor family event.

MollieO · 05/07/2010 13:49

YANBU. She was probably in tears at being made to look a fool through her own choice. I don't expect everyone to like ds (I don't like other people's children ) but if someone was actively hostile towards him I would say a lot worse than your comment.

Eve4Walle · 05/07/2010 13:53

YANBU. What a bitch. I would have done the same as you. I know what it's like to have a very busy toddler.

As others have said, she shouldn't be dishing it out if she can't take it back. I bet you inwardly cringed when she said it so she deserved to be slapped down a few notches.

Lemonylemon · 05/07/2010 13:56

She sounds like a right attention-seeking twat - YANBU.

Eve4Walle · 05/07/2010 14:00

There always seems to be some sad woman bawling her eyes out after too much wine at weddings - sounds like she was it!

clam · 05/07/2010 14:09

If she wants to put out in the public domain that she is childless by choice, then she can hardly complain when people take her at her word and react accordingly, can she? How on earth was the OP meant to know that she might have been covering up a secret heartache about infertility?

livethedream · 05/07/2010 14:15

'Well, this is what I spend weddings doing nowadays, stopping toddlers from eating things off of the floor'

Hang on - I just don't get it. How is that offensive to her, surely it's just a statement of fact? Am I being very naive/missing the poit?

pookamoo · 05/07/2010 14:28

livethedream I don't think the OP was saying that to the dress lady, she just overheard the OP saying it to someone else and chipped in that she never wanted children.

I think the OP was Not Being Unreasonable, and I'm impressed she came up with the line. I might use it myself, I have a friend who claims she doesn't want children but has "compromised" with her DH that they will have one, but not until they can afford staff to look after "it"...

Jaquelinehyde · 05/07/2010 14:33

Sorry but I think you were unreasonable.

She asked for your child not to touch her dress, would you have been happier if she had taken your child by thr wrists and turned him round... I doubt it, she is well within her rights to not want dirty hands all over her dress.

You then make a jokey comment about following your child round stopping him eating off the floor, she then makes a jokey comment about how this confirms her choice not to ever have children.

You then react with a really bitchy comment, which yes she probably over reacted to by later crying, but you should have never have said it in the first place!

My daughter threw up all over the place on Christmas day, people said stright away thank-God I don't have never will have kids or thank-God mine are grown up etc. Was I offended nope as it wasn't a slight against my wonderful, perfect, adorable child, more a Jesus I couldn't cope with that in my life comment.

Get over it, understand that no one else has to like your child, many wont.

You were both twats!

thumbwitch · 05/07/2010 14:33

livethedream - you're missing the point - it was the OP's next comment that is at issue here.

livethedream · 05/07/2010 14:34

Sorry - was being dense, I've read it properly now.

YANBU OP, good retort!

SleepyCaz · 05/07/2010 14:36

You were NOT being unreasonable, what a bitch. Like someone said, if she can't take it...