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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have said this? I've been told it was.

268 replies

Rosieeo · 04/07/2010 18:17

We attended the wedding of a friend yesterday. It was lovely, but there was a little incident that has annoyed me and I want some perspective.

DS is 16 months now and is at the 'must look at and then touch everything ... and then I may break it' stage, so I spend most of my time following him around to make sure he doesn't break it.

The wedding was at a hotel with lovely gardens, complete with beer-garden type tables. People were lovely, adorable to DS and DD, who I (of course) think are pretty adorable too.

DS trotted over to a group of women in their mid to late twenties and did the rounds. I knew one of them and was saying hello when one of the women sneered 'Please don't let him touch me, this is a new dress'. She seemed really unpleasant so I led DS away to the other side of the table and said something along the lines of 'Well, this is what I spend weddings doing nowadays, stopping toddlers from eating things off of the floor' to the acquaintance.

The 'don't touch me woman' piped up 'Thanks for giving me another reason why I will never want or will have children'.

Arg! The boy may be busy and sticky but he is fantastic! I said 'Maybe that's the best thing for everyone', said goodbye to acquaintance and walked off with DS.

Later on that night, acquaintance cornered me in the toilet and told me that 'don't touch me' woman had been in tears all night and was devastated that I'd implied that she would not be a good mother.

Now I feel guilty as hell. Was IBU?

OP posts:
8oreighty · 05/07/2010 14:38

nice one, you should be very proud of your quick wittedness. stupid cow that she was.

Casserole · 05/07/2010 14:47

Definitely NBU; she sounds like an attention seeking cow who saw you as a soft target to look witty at the expense of, and couldn't take it when you dished it right back at her.

And I say that as someone who has never been aa massive fan of children at weddings, who didn't have children at her own wedding AND who went to a wedding just this weekend and didn't take her child with her! But I would never have said what she did, totally rude in my opinion and, like I say, she just thought she could get a cheap joke in at your expense. When that didn't work and she ended up the loser she did what all silly mares like that do, resorted to Plan B - boohooing in the toilets.

YADDDDDDDDDDDDDNBU

1pregheadpumpkin · 05/07/2010 17:49

you go girl! haha she had it coming! YANBU, perhaps a little restrained! dont feel guilty, she's probably sulking because she can dish it out but cant take it!!

mumeeee · 05/07/2010 18:40

YABU. You over reacted a bit and there was no need to make that last remark.

Megatron · 05/07/2010 18:52

YANBU. Her first comment was a bit unpleasant but fine if she didn't want your DS to touch her dress I suppose. Her subsequent comment was uneccessary and rude - you were talking to someone else at that point, not her so it sounds like she just wanted to make bitchy comments about children. I very much doubt she cried all night anyway but if she did, perhaps she'll think twice before she opens her mouth in future.

MadameBelle · 05/07/2010 19:22

YABU. I don't like anyone's dc (mine included) coming towards me with sticky fingers, and also don't like harrassed mothers bent double following their toddlers all over the place, pretending to be frazzled but actually really enjoying the attention their dc is getting, because it shows everyone how utterly adorable their child is, and what a good, attentive parent they are.

Some people find other people's children at best boring, and at worst, really irritating, and are quite likely to come out with a rather snippy comment about having children. After all, op, you can't have been presenting a really positive view of parenting can you?

But you felt the need to say that she wouldn't be a good mother? If not liking your toddler means that she wouldn't be a good mother, then I suspect I would be a terrible mother. But I wouldn't cry about it!

FranSanDisco · 05/07/2010 19:27

YANBU. She sounds vile and a little uptight.

ChippingIn · 05/07/2010 19:49

YANBU - she asked for it with her bitchy comment & your retort was spot on!

...and FWIW it sounds like you were keeping a close eye on him so he wasn't likely to spoil her dress anyway.

I wouldn't give it another thought!!

InVinoFerretsAss · 05/07/2010 19:55

Are you ever going to see her again OP? I doubt it.

Who cares? She made a snippy comment and you made one back. Meh.

The fact that you're stressing about it shows that you're not a really nasty person at heart so just let it go.

5DollarShake · 05/07/2010 20:05

MadameBelle: "I don't like anyone's dc (mine included) coming towards me with sticky fingers, and also don't like harrassed mothers bent double following their toddlers all over the place"

So what do you suggest? If you don't like the toddler coming at you, and you don't want the Mum keeping an eye on him, and trying to keep him out of trouble, what's the answer?!

No, parenting isn't all a bed of roses - how unfortunate that the OP had to give some people a little glimpse into that. [hmm} I mean, she was trying her best not to have her toddler annoy people. How is that bad, exactly?

OP - YADNBU. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. It's fine for her to be rude and snippy, but you're just meant to lie there and take it? Which, incidentally, is exactly what I would have done, and then seethed at my own patheticness later. Good on you for standing up for yourself and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Goldenbear · 05/07/2010 20:10

MadamBelle, sorry I have to ask, what are you on about? Surely people follow very young toddlers around because you can't exactly leave them to it!
Given that she said she didn't want children it is probably safe to assert that not having them is a very good idea!

vaunieathome · 05/07/2010 20:24

pjmama is spot on! I wouldnt want sticky hands on a new dress but wouldnt dream of saying anything - would just move discreetly out of the grabbing zone if he came near. There is no need for that extra, bitchy line. What a cow!

Rosieeo · 05/07/2010 20:28

Thanks everyone for your replies; you've given me a fair bit to think about! I do tend to over-analyse this kind of thing but wasn't stressing too much. I don't know the woman after all!

However, I got a Facebook message this afternoon from the friend I know the acquaintance through (does that make sense?) about the whole thing

It said that 'don't touch me' woman had told the group that she couldn't believe I was so cruel to her after her boyfriend had dumped her the previous week. Apparently it topped off the perfect day for her and it's a good job I think she'd be a crap mum as she'll never be able to have kids now anyway, or words to that effect.

Wow! I have never met this woman before Saturday, had no idea she'd been dumped but it seems as though I'm now regarded as some kind of smug-pfb ogre.

Old friend did say that she didn't have much time for her, so it sounds like she just wanted to stir it up a bit. I haven't replied yet and I'm not sure I'm going to. What's the point?

OP posts:
herladyshiplovesedward · 05/07/2010 20:30

YANBU, i like your style!

5DollarShake · 05/07/2010 20:33

Oh dear lord - she sounds like a right handful!! Clearly your crystal ball wasn't properly tuned in, for you not to realise exactly what was going on with her.

And as for assuming she'll now never have kids, having been dumped by her boyfriend - what a total drama queen!!

Please do not feel bad about this, Rosieeo.

Rosieeo · 05/07/2010 20:45

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that got that impression!

I had been feeling a little guilty but now I'm edging towards thinking she's just bonkers.

OP posts:
debka · 05/07/2010 20:51

You made me snigger

Needanewname · 05/07/2010 22:48

Well thats changed my mind completely Rosieeo, how completely unreasonable and rude of you! You of course should have know that this poor woman (a total stranger you had never met before) had been dumped, and therefore will never ever have children, cos theres no other man out there is there?!

Actually no, I think you're right, she's completely bonkers!

And don't worry about your friend on fb, no reply is needed, don't get dragged into it all, she's clearly an insane drama queen!

And I still admire your quick wit - very jealous!

Madamebelle and Jacquelienhyde - where exactly did the OP tell the woman that she would make a terrible mother? When she made a comment about thanks for reminding me why I don;t want children she replied probably best for everyone - not good job you;d make a bad mum!

xstitch · 05/07/2010 22:56

I don't think she said the woman would not be a good mum. The only implication I took from what the OP said was that if you don't want children you shouldn't have them. Perfectly sensible view point and not at all insulting imo.

mouthinfoot · 05/07/2010 23:07

...and the 'don't touch woman' didn't think that making comments along the lines of 'well remind me not to have kids' wouldn't have been hurtful to you and your son?

If you had not said anything, the chances are that she would have boasted all night about her bitchy comment.

I think the reason she was in tears is because you verbally tore her to shreds.

She didn't bank on anyone doing that!!

kickassangel · 05/07/2010 23:40

back away from it now & don't respond to your acquaintance.

first woman is bitchy drama queen. your 'friend' is just stirring to make people feel crap.

avoid avoid avoid

i suspect your ds makes better conversation than either of them.

SpeedyGonzalez · 05/07/2010 23:46

What a rude cow that woman was! Yeah, sure, not everyone thinks one's children are adorable, but why should the OP be the only one to keep schtum with good grace? The prissy 'dress' cow should have stapled her lips together rather than being so bloody rude in the first place!

Great comeback, OP, am of your quick wit!

thumbwitch · 06/07/2010 00:02

Good Lord, what a memememe woman she must be! Of course, every guest at the wedding must have known she had been dumped by her bf the previous week, of course the bride/groom had taken the trouble to warn you all and no doubt you were just being completely vindictive.

FFS! SHE was the one who said she didn't ever want DC, you just agreed it was probably for the best!!

As to your FB friend - ignore it. Or do one of those qualifed apology things - "I'm sorry she felt so upset about me agreeing with her" - and leave it.

hmc · 06/07/2010 00:05

YANBU - and anyone who thinks you were rude needs to rush off and starch their habit so that it is ready for Matins in the morning

SpeedyGonzalez · 06/07/2010 00:05

thumbwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

Love your qualified apology - I shall remember that in future (if I ever grow the balls and quick wit of the OP, that is!).

Am well thank you me dearie, how's you? Tis so very sunny at the moment, I am basking in the joy of an actual British summer .