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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really sad for my little girl ???

161 replies

Childminderindistress · 30/06/2010 15:48

I went to pick up dd (6) a 3.20 and she looked really sad, and I asked her what was up and she told me she wanted to go to her friend Nadia. I said no my love you cant go as you havent been invited ! I looked at Nadia's mum and she was surrended by all dd's best friends. They have been all invited to Nadia's house for tea and water fun, apart from dd.

I know she expect to be invited to all the party but I couldnt help feeling so upset on her behalf... I mean it was so in her face..

Would you have feel the same as me or am I ott ?
On the top of that, this mum posted a statut on fb saying to pray for the sun as she had 12 little girls back at her house for a party.

Life is cruel !

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2010 16:06

sorry, I assumed 12 was most/all of the girls in the class.

Magalyxyz · 30/06/2010 16:06

oh right, have just seen that the mother SAW your dd crying...

Are you CERTAIN that all of the other 11 invited are from school, maybe she has little cousins and neighbours she is inviting???

Before you SAY or even think about deserving an apology or reprimanding her behaviour you need to know how many other children weren't invited. If it turns out that about 6 others werent invited then even though in the circumstances it's hard, you can't complain.

DaisySteiner · 30/06/2010 16:07

I doubt she'll apologise Childminder - if she had enough decency to do that she'd have invited her when she saw how upset she was.

If she does, I wouldn't be able to be very gracious about an apology personally - would say very nicely and politely that she was really upset and how would she have liked her dd being treated like that. Don't think there's any reason to pussy foot around or make her feel better by being 'understanding'.

OrmRenewed · 30/06/2010 16:07

Don't you think it might have been a question of saying 'you can invite 12 friends' and then her DD giving 12 names that she though of off the top of her head? Mum might not even have known until the day that only one child had been left out.

oiteach · 30/06/2010 16:08

One of dd's "best friends" has excluded dd from her b-day party every year for the last 3 yrs but is insistent that she wants to come here for tea, come for dd's party, cried when she broke her ankle etc.
This year, we turned up at a pizza restaurant to find all of them there at her party which dd had once again been excluded from. They all kept coming over to our table, poor dd was so upset. The childs mother looked mortified.

I do think that like greenshadow we must have offended at some point but tbh, i'm not really interested in how or why anymore.

I really sympathise with you, although no child has a right or should expect to be invited to every party it is not nice to exclude one from a group.

Missus84 · 30/06/2010 16:08

Yes, big difference if it was all the girls but 1, or if in was some girls did and some didn't get an invite.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/06/2010 16:08

Be serene. She is probably riven with guilt < evil cackle >

It tears at your heart doesn't it? DS1 was inexplicably left out of a bowling party a couple of years ago. I'm normally cool about those things, but it was so left-field

trefusis · 30/06/2010 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 30/06/2010 16:09

How sad for your DD

Were any other girls not invited? Did the mum really miss out just one or two girls, and invite the rest?

If so then that is really cruel. Obviously if there are several not going it may well be just a numbers thing. And yes, that can be upsetting, but understandable.

Why do you think the mum will apologise? If mum does apologise however you do need to be the bigger person. Just accept and say that your DD was upset to miss out, but you understand that not everyone can be included every time, and then leave it at that, as hard as it may be. However if you DD has been just the one (or two) excluded I might be tempted to question if there was a reason.

Magalyxyz · 30/06/2010 16:10

I am beginning to think the OP is dramatising this story.

ShinyAndNew · 30/06/2010 16:10

That's not very nice. Why not invite all the girls back to yours inc. Nadia and make a point to Nadia's mum that you never leave anyone out?

When dd1 has friends over it's either one friend or all of them (oh joy). I don't allow her to exclude people, even when she tries to. If she tells me that she doesn't want friend a to come, just friends b and c, I tell her no one is coming.

Chandon · 30/06/2010 16:10

Well, when was the last time you had Nadia at your house? Is she over at yours all the time? Is she your DC`s best friend?

If so, then you could have expected an invite, and it is a bit odd.

Still, if this sort of thing happens to my DC, I always think it is a good life lesson and to teach them not to get upset about things like that. This happened to my youngest DC last week, it seemed all his friends were over at a party at Xs house apart from him. He was philosophical and said: I guess X is better friends with them than with me and started playing football with some other boys.

maybe it`s different for boys?????

To all adults and children:

There will be some parties that you will not be invited to. Get over it.

You, in your turn, will have missed someone out for your party. It happens. It doesn`t mean nobody loves you!

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2010 16:11

DS is only 3 and I am alreayd feeling this protective thing - before his birthday he was very worried that everyone would come to his party, and got quite upset recently when a 7 year old neighbour got a bit sick of hanging around him and no longer wanted to play with him (understandably - she is brilliant with him)
We went to a party of one of his friend's recently when the bloody football was on, and aut of 24, about 6 or 7 had turned up.
It's such a minefield

secunda · 30/06/2010 16:11

for your DD but isn't this just part of life? Of course it is harder for a 6 year old but it is something that happens to everyone - you think someone is a certain 'level' of friend but then find out they don't think the same of you. Talking to the mother isn't going to solve anything - maybe there is some secret petty reason why her DD doesn't really like yours and hasn't invited her, and it's not apparent to you. I can't imagine why the mother would take the initiative to exclude your DD if her daughter liked her. I think the best thing you can do is make a big fuss of your DD.

trefusis · 30/06/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Missus84 · 30/06/2010 16:15

I find that a bit of an odd attitude ShinyandNew - I mean, sometimes I might socialise with all my friends on a night out or party, but sometimes I might just meet 2 or 3 for a coffee, or have a couple of people over for dinner. Why should it be all or nothing for children?

I think chances are the mother in question told her dd to pick 12 friends, and then didn't give the matter much thought.

Hulababy · 30/06/2010 16:15

BTW I do agree that is doesn't have to be one or two or the whole lot. However you do need to think as the parent.

My rule would be:

Half or less of all boys
Half or less of all girls
Half or less of all class

*If more than half then you should invite the whole lot (ie.. all girls, all boys, or all class)

But to invite 12 girls and leave out 3 for example would seem mean.

I also bear in mind that if you are doing that then often it will be the same 2 or 3 who always miss out, which I find unbearable sad.

Fortunately my DD is in a small class so I always go with the full class for parties - and 3 plus DD for sleepovers (how many who fit in my car).

oldandgreynow · 30/06/2010 16:16

I am sure it6 isn't deliberate.I'll bet she hadn't realised your DD had been excluded until she saw her crying and by then she may have felt it was too late .My DCs have been excluded like this twice and bothtimes the mums have been mortified.

ShinyAndNew · 30/06/2010 16:18

Dd1 only has three friends that she plays with regularly. So inviting just two, means that just one is left out.

StealthPolarBear · 30/06/2010 16:18

yes, sorry 1 or 2 or all was too flippant
I meant just consider the numbers and whether it looks as though a select few have been invited (fine) or a select few deliberately excluded (not fine)

fyimate · 30/06/2010 16:19

So the mum has purposely not invited your DD or was it up to the other little girl to invite her friends? I would assume her mum knows they are friends? Have you and the mother fallen out?
How sad, I dont think you should do tit for tat though, it should be upto your DD who she wants to invite if you're going to do a party for her too.

Original poster

Childminderindistress · 30/06/2010 16:19

I dont deserve an apologie I dont afterall as I say she doesnt have to invite dd, I just something will have to be mentionned as it si going to be really awkward tomorrow. She didnt invite all the girls, its just that there is 3 distinct groups of girls in the class and dd was part of the one where all the girls were invited. For dd's birthday, we only invited 5 girls (for financial reasons) but I have been really discret about it..Nadia was not invited, probably a payback I dont know. I Just feel terrible at my dd's distress but I suppose she has to learn that life is unfair sometimes.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 30/06/2010 16:20

Ahhhhhh - you didn't invite Nadia. Sorry, there's your answer.

Coca · 30/06/2010 16:21

seems fair enough then if your dd had a party and didn't invite Nadia.

CaptainKirksNipples · 30/06/2010 16:22

I think you need to get over it, sure it is sad for your DD but why would you not say to her that the other mum can't invite everyone and you'd do something fun when you get home. I would not build this into a big thing for your DD. This can't have been the first time you have had this happen surely?

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