to not like being told the truth by my DH

[onsabbatical]

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

Onasabbatical, you Dh sounds very much like mine. Mine buys me 'stuff'. Pretty everything I ask for actually. whenever I complain about the way he treats me and the lack of emotional and practical support I get from him his reply is "But I bought you x, y and z, just because you wanted it"

It's just stuff. Seriously, it's nothing. It's not worth your self esteem. You can save for 'stuff' yourself. Or request it as birthday gifts.

I am leaving DH soon. I need my sanity back. He can keep his 'stuff'. My happiness is worth more than a fancy washing machine and expensive furniture.

Oh I knew that tortoise, but I took this "I think it is partly the contrast to have a petite brunette stand next to them that makes my DH comment that we look weird standing together and that if they didn't look so like him, he would think they were swapped at birth." in the same way as you, cept I missed out the word "like"

Oh dear this is so sad.
OP how can you think that you "have it all" when your husband treats you like sh!t?

My DH sounds like Colditz's. I can just imagine the look of confusion on his face if I asked him for an opinion on what I was wearing: a sort of "oh my God, WTF is she asking me for, is there some sort of hidden agenda here???"

This is an interesting thread, actually. DH and I just sort of bumble along with our lives with not that much money, very little pressure on each other with not much attention paid to things like clothes, state of the house etc. But if you have a high earning, alpha male type DH with a nice house and lots of possessions/designer clothes bought for you etc, nice house, then there's clearly a pay off somewhere.

This all reminds me of when I was a student years ago and was working as a waitress in a very upmarket restaurant. I was serving a middle aged man and his female companion (DW or DP?) who was very slim and beautiful and younger than him. She selected a pudding after the main course and he responded by raising his eyebrows and saying nastily "do you really think you should be having that?"

What price freedom eh???

TBH, a "rose print dress from Hobbs" sounds like something that an overweight woman in her late fifties would like. Maybe your DH wants you to look young and sexy, not frumpy? I'd be flattered!

I think he is trying to control you and probably feels threatened when you look great. Keep the frock, take him back for a refund.

Meant to add, I have always hated it DH has bought me clothes. Makes me feel as though he is trying to make me into someone else. He buys girly, frilly stuff in pastel colours when I am nothing like that.

I have just read the entire thread and feel and for you.
I hope you find the strength to turn your inner worm... He does not own deserve you at all.

... hated it when DH has bought...

Bonsoir, have you read the thread?

ABF, good - I tend to pull bits out of posts and repost in the OP's own words to make a point, usually; I didn't want to put words in her mouth this time.

the fact that he said he didn't like it probably means you looked lovely. he sounds controlling and probably doesn't want anyone else to think you look attractive. Sorry to be blunt.

He is an utter arse

Have you got "mug" tattooed on your forehead, woman?

"TBH, a "rose print dress from Hobbs" sounds like something that an overweight woman in her late fifties would like. Maybe your DH wants you to look young and sexy, not frumpy? I'd be flattered!"

Then maybe he could just have said he didn´t like the dress?

And dressing how her husband wants her to look?

Fück me, I thought we were in the 21st Century!

I rarely ask my husband what he thinks of stuff i buy. I usually buy clothes alone and tend to know what I like and be fairly decisive.
If he likes it he'll comment, if he doesn't or hasn't noticed as has other things on his mind he won't.
Your husband's comments are unnecessarily cruel though and I would be more concerned about the way he speaks to you than the dress.
Next time don't ask him. He sounds quite crushing.

Blimey - it seems as though you are in a really controlling relationship OP.

He doesn't like it because he didn't choose it for you.

He sounds horrible. Just because he earns all the money, does NOT give him a right to treat you like that. I agree with the others that you need to believe your DDs rather than him. What the hell does he know? Does he think he's the new Gok Wan or something?

A horrible controlling bully. You are worth more than that.

Bonsoir Wed 30-Jun-10 08:45:40
"TBH, a "rose print dress from Hobbs" sounds like something that an overweight woman in her late fifties would like."

Yes, and maybe she should feel flattered too when he makes her re-do the ironing because it isn't up to his precious standards- because wanting ironing perfection from his wife is clearly a sign of how much he cares

Re the dress:

My (though I say it myself) rather stunning teenager went to her drama course wearing a rose print dress. I did wonder a bit about the old-woman connotation, as it was precisely the kind of thing that women in their late fifties wore when I was young. Turns out we are no longer living in the days when I was young : the dress was much admired and that kind of thing is very fashionable around here. They don't know it's an old woman thing, any more than they know that Emily is a name for old women. And I have to say, frumpy was the one thing dd did not look .

My husband "earns the money"-but that doesn´t give him the right to dictate what I can & can´t buy.

You're not lucky. You are putting your career on hold due to health issues of your dd- not because you fancy a break.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and my dh works very long hours. He does not expect me to do everything in the house. He's working between 16 and 20 hour days at the moment but still takes the rubbish out, loads/empties the dishwasher and puts his dirty laundry in the basket. All unasked by me.

And you say you have more money than you can spend - well why dint you pay someone to clean and iron? Or won't he let you?

Re being the odd one out in the family - you were a petite brunette when he married you so he obviously finds you attractive - I can't imagine he suddenly expected you to morph into claudia schiffer.

Sounds like he needs to spend less time trimming his nose hair and more time being a decent husband

OnSabb, reading your post is like watching my mum's life. It makes me so . An intelligent pretty slim woman gets married and her husband can't cope with the fact that she is better qualified, better looking and better dressed than him, and gets admiring looks from other men. So he spends his time controlling what she wears, persuades her to give up work so she no longer has her independence and is unable to leave because she no longer has an income of her own. And then he undermines her until she believes the claptrap he comes out with, and destroys her confidence.

You won't be the last lady it happens to.

Believe your instincts and listen to your daughters who sound like they are trying to help you. And start reclaiming your life. Your DH should be doing his fair share. Don't let your daughters get the idea that their role in life is to wait on a man, as you are doing.

Even the tiniest changes will make you feel so good.

your husband sounds horribly controlling and emotionally abusive tbh. He puts you, your appearance and everything you do down in order to keep you low and under control.
I don't have money to buy clothes, but when I do DP's comment is usually 'that's quite nice'. If I'm wearing a combo he doesn't like he'll say 'well I wouldn't wear it' and makes a slight face. He's never once told me that something I'm wearing makes me look fat. My size 8 days are behind me and I'm also 5'2.
He's also very picky about clothes being ironed properly but he irons his own clothes, has never ever asked me to iron anything for him and on the rare occasions that I've done ironing for him has been really pleased and then redone the job himself

I'm sure you looked beautiful. I'm 5'2" too and would kill to have the figure to pull off that dress. At 8st you definitely do. I can only imagine that for a man so infatuated with his own perfection it was difficult for him to see you being complimented whilst he was not.

Next time he gets a new pair of trousers/shorts/swimming trunks, I'd perhaps suggest he needs to put some socks down the front as it makes him look ill-endowed.

onsabbatical - my DW wears a lot of Hobbs dresses and she is brunette, size 10 and 5' 6". She would look really nice in that dress and I am sure you do too.

I go shopping with her sometimes and we both like clothes and fashion and we discuss things we both like to wear and what we would like to see each other wear. If something does not look right we tell each other but in a positive way suggesting alternatives exactly as addictedishavingagirl says. Generally, we take each others advice BUT we do not dictate what the other should wear OR buy each other clothes.

I am generally reluctant to comment on other people's marriages but I will say I agree with what many other people have said.

You have every right to feel very upset about the dress and many other things.

Very sad OP. I agree with the majority of posters. Your marriage, at present, isn't a partnership in any sense of the word. He expects a certain 'standard' from you and you don't seem to expect (or recieve) anything from him except money. The thing is he's not your employer. You're off because of your DD NOT to clean the house or because you're not fit to do anything else.

I have a couple of friends like this and they are constantly moaning about how their DH's treat them/speak to them. I work 3 days a week in a piss easy job and they seem to think this is the reason that I don't take crap from my DH. But its nothing to do with that - its about respect.

I can't believe that these intelligent, savvy women are clearing up after their partners as if they're little children. I mean not putting plates in the dishwasher is just a lazy, petty, point scoring exercise. Its something that he'd have to remind himself not to do because its your job. Which is just horrible. I just can't understand how relationships like this carry on without you snapping.

TBH I think you need to start doing something about it ASAP or this will just get worse and worse. Either you'll be completely broken down by the time the girls leave home and be utterly miserable for the rest of your days or you'll divorce. Neither one is an appealing prospect I'm sure but its completely in your power to change this. A marriage is something that needs to be worked on and if you're not happy then why on earth aren't you doing something about it? What do you exepct is going to change if you you do nothing? Playing the martyr does no-one any favours and its only you (and possibly your daughters - lack of a role model, miserable mother) who will suffer.

Good luck!