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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like being told the truth by my DH

259 replies

onsabbatical · 29/06/2010 22:07

I bought a new dress at the weekend. I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs. I put it on to go to a World Cup BBQ at a friend's house on Sunday and asked DH if he liked it. I felt great in it.

He said that it put 10kg on me and that it was fine if I wanted to look fat. I am 8 stone but only 5ft 2 so can be swamped in unfitted shapes. AIBU to wish he had just said I looked great even if he secretly thought it was unflattering?

It's too late to take it back as I had cut out the labels already but I don't think I will ever have the heart to wear it even though both my DD's (the other is 16) say I looks lovely in it.

When I was in my thirties, I let DH buy all my clothes as I got sick of taking back ones that I bought for myself because he didn't like them. BTW he is very generous and buys me much more expensive outfits than I would buy myself but somehow I want to choose! AIBU or should I be grateful that I have such an honest DH with great taste?

OP posts:
cory · 29/06/2010 22:43

I hate to say it, OP, but this doesn't sound like honesty at all to me; it sounds like a man who enjoys putting you down. Not just about clothes but in all areas of life by the sounds of it.

Like all the other posters, I would take the word of two teenage girls over his any day.

And just out of interest, if he doesn't like your way of ironing, why isn't he ironing his own shirts?

AgentZigzag · 29/06/2010 22:53

Even though I've said what I have, I do value DHs opinion on any clothes I buy. But it's when I ask him, he would never presume to volunteer the info, if I was happy in it, he'd be happy for me. He'll tell me the truth, but in a 'that other one looked better I recon' way.

Your DH seems to have taken it up to a maximum limit, that he has the right to dress you up like a doll in clothes he likes, as though you're dressing just for him and never for yourself.

Personally I couldn't live like that, and would feel the 'me' bit of me would be a bit lost, if that makes sense

BertieBotts · 30/06/2010 01:03

Sorry, OP, I had to come back - your post has really upset me. (I am a little emotional after reading the abortion thread, but still)

It's this part:
"I was shopping with my 13 year old DD and she said I looked beautiful in a rose print dress from Hobbs....I felt great in it."

claw3 · 30/06/2010 01:18

Tell him he has a small knob, that should level the playing field a bit!

goodasgold · 30/06/2010 01:24

Do you comment on his clothes/appearance?

Original poster
onsabbatical · 30/06/2010 07:33

Hmmmm.....I am finding mumsnet a reality check. Somehow I am not living the life I intended. The problem I have is that I am sooooo lucky that I can't possibly complain. I am currently a SAHM, technically on a year's sabbatical (partly to do with medical issues of my DD) and my DH earns more money than we could ever spend, so he feels that he has done his bit. Unfortunately he also feels too important to help with the house: cleaning, cooking, ironing, taking rubbish out, childcare, shopping, MOT on car, house insurance, ......anything. You name it, I do it. DH reckons this is fair enough because he pays for it all and he is also happy to pay for a cleaner when I am working. He does indeed work very long hours and comes home exhausted so I can see how come it would be very hard on him to help. I wouldn't mind him putting his own dishes in the dishwasher occasionally, or his dirty underwear in the laundry basket though. I have a degree from Cambridge and was a very confident child which has somehow deserted me in this gilded cage.

Don't worry, I don't think I am fat! I run triathlons and have been told at medicals that ideally I should weigh a little more but DH has weird ideas about weight. To be fair to him, he is very slim, spends a lot of time grooming his nose/ear/ eyebrow hair and takes a lot of exercise. I guess he wants me up to the same standards. The DDs are both tall willowy blondes with legs up to their armpits (like my DH) and I think it is partly the contrast to have a petite brunette stand next to them that makes my DH comment that we look weird standing together and that if they didn't look so like him, he would think they were swapped at birth.

Sorry, this sounds pathetic. Really, I have it all!!

OP posts:
woopsidaisy · 30/06/2010 07:39

Keep telling yourself that onsabbatical....

Tryharder · 30/06/2010 07:41

Am laughing at some of the ironing comments on here. I'm just trying to imagine my DH even raising the subject of something not being ironed properly and it's just not happening in my head. He has his faults but nit picking about domestic chores is fortunately not one of them.

Agree with the general consensus; at your height/weight, you could never be considered even slightly fat and the dress sounds gorgeous. Your daughters opinions are the ones I would listen to here. Wear it!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/06/2010 07:41

You have a husband who:

Criticises the way you look, calls you fat, insists on buying your clothes and telling you you look horrible in anything you choose yourself.
Makes fun of the fact that you look "like you don't belong" in the family.
Expects you to do all the childcare, all the housework, all the general running BUT criticises how well you do it and "makes" you do it over if it's not up to his standards.

You are not living the life you intended. You call it a gilded cage. You say that all your confidence has deserted you.

So, sure, you have it all. You have all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive marriage which is destroying you.

BessieBoots · 30/06/2010 07:44

You do not sound pathetic: He does. What's the point of having the money to buy new posh clothes if you're made to feel crap in them?

Your dds would have told you if you looked fat. He was lying.

BTW, my DH will tell me if he's not keen on what I'm wearing, but it goes like this:

BessieBoots: D'you like my new dress?
DH: I'm not sure. I prefer the purple one myself, but that's just me.
BB: Does it make me look fat?
DH: Well, maybe it does make you look a bit bigger than you actually are... You've got such a nice figure , it's a shame to swamp it. But if you like it, you should wear it... I'm not good with fashion...

(BTW I didn't say that to brag about my lovely DH- I just wanted to show you how people could be honest and sensitive at the same time...)

zookeeper · 30/06/2010 07:45

really unsabbatical , you don't. You are living with an abusive man who appears to be treating you like dirt.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/06/2010 07:48

Yes, I should say that my husband is interested in clothes, enjoys taking me shopping and gets real pleasure out of persuading me to wear flattering things. But he'd never ever tell me that something put ten kilos on me, or made me look frumpy. He'd just say, if it were true, it's not bad but there needs to be more tailoring at the waist, or the length isn't brilliant and how about I try this one, or it's a bit revealing but fine for an evening do. Etc.

Yours is just enjoying putting you down so that he can feel superior.

Did he believe that "he paid for everything" before you took a year off, by the way? And you still did everything, save for the bit the cleaner helped with?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/06/2010 07:52

onsabbatical - I am a SAHM, good degree. Husband has professional, stressful job. I wouldn't call it a gilded cage I'm living, but it's comfortable, mainly because my DH is supportive and works hard to consider what is best for all of us (as do I). This is not right

SoBloodyTired · 30/06/2010 07:55

Money isn't everything. It's not ok for him to pay for things to go his way. He lives in the comfort he lives in because he has your support in the home. Yet you speak as though your contribution to this partnership isn't as valuable as his. I get the impression he's conditioned you to feel like this. Do you think your relationship is a good role model for your daughters to aspire to? Would you want them to be with someone who is so "truthful"? I think you're slowly being stifled and don't see it. You deserve better. Good luck x

AmazingBouncingFerret · 30/06/2010 07:57

Im sorry but your husband sounds like a bully. "you dont belong in the family"?? He needs a short sharp reality check to make him realise how fucking lucky he actually is.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/06/2010 07:59

Well, to be fair, that was my parsing of her explanation that her looks "make my DH comment that we look weird standing together and that if they [the daughters] didn't look so like him, he would think they were swapped at birth."

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 30/06/2010 07:59

You have it all, onsabatical??? Really?? Maybe for a glorifeid skivvy. I think I might put the dirty underwear under his pillow for starters...

Why with your brains do you let him get away with this just because he earns a lot of money??

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/06/2010 08:03

i assume this is the dress

I know it's not really about the dress, but I can't see how a brown-haired, size 8 woman could fail to look good in this (especially if her 16 year old DD said so)

addictedishavingagirl · 30/06/2010 08:06

i agree with tortoise and bessie, when i go shopping with dh and ask what he thinks his comments are usually along the lines of, it looks really nice on you, the hemline is very flattering, the neck line is perfect for your shape etc but why dont you try a more tailored waist, a bigger size, different neck line etc etc. he would never tell me i look bad and always give me an alternative and, i might add, never in front of others, he will always talk really quietly and tell me what he thinks so no one else can hear!

i'm also a sahm, well i'm pregnant at the moment with our first and am at home and dh doesnt expect me to do every thing, if he wants a shirt ironed he does it himself, if the dish washer is clean he will empty it, if the floor needs hovering he will do it, not tell me to do it or wait for me to do it. and he works long hours - left this morning at 6.30am and will be back around 8pm

maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship here, just because he earns the money and pays for everything, doesnt give him the right to put you down and make you feel bad.

your daughters wont be lying to you, if they tell you the dress looks good on you it does!

ShinyAndNew · 30/06/2010 08:06

Dh does this to me. Even when his opinion is not invited. Usually just before a night out, when he knows that I have planned to wear what I have on and will have nothing else ready. I now get ready at my sisters house. I think his secret aim is to make me feel like shit before I go out, so I will be miserable and less likely to attract a more supportive mate

My sister and my mum tell me the truth in a more sugar coated way. Although my sister usually comes whopping with me anyway and wouldn't let me buy anything that looked crap.

addictedishavingagirl · 30/06/2010 08:08

and the dress that jamie linked is beautiful, any size 8 woman could pull it off

colditz · 30/06/2010 08:10

You
are
not
a
fucking
DOLL.

Choose your own clothes and wear them. if he wants to live out fashion designer fanstasies, there's an app for that

cory · 30/06/2010 08:13

can't believe that last post of yours onsabbatical

you have a husband who does not take any part in the everyday running of your family, expects to be waited on like a baby and spends his time putting you down- and you think you are lucky because he earns a lot of money

honestly, I'd rather live in poverty with a man I could respect

rollerbaby · 30/06/2010 08:17

Somehow you seem to think his money gives him the right to act like a bit of a twat. Why would the man who is supposed to love you and support you in all things make you feel bad quite knowingly?

I think he enjoys being able to "pull rank" in this relationship and make you feel bad. He doesn't sound like someone who has much confidence himself if he can do that.

I feel for you, because your tone is really defensive and "but I'm so lucky.." I'm sure you are in lots of ways, but so is he. An attractive, intelligent, loving wife who sacrificed her own career interests to care for her family. Seriously, think about it were the boot on the other foot. If my husband spoke to me like that, I would FLIP out! It's just not a kind thing to do. You need to stand up for yourself a bit more.

What did you actually say to him as this conversation unfolded?

colditz · 30/06/2010 08:21

By the way - MY clothes all come from primark, IF I can afford them. I would not swap places with you.

My partner gives me a cursory glane and says "You look fine. Let's GO!"

And if I push the issue and demand which one I look better in, he says he can't choose because he's always distracted by my fantastic breasts.

And I am a size 16 heifer.

This is not a good attitude for your daughters to be exposed to.