I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

[Intefering]

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

'I'm aware that I have very little knowledge about the forces but I can't see it being very good for family life.'

You have absolutely zero knowledge of family life in the Forces. It works very well thank you.

Good on your soon to be ex friend for wanting to go back in. It is a great career and why shouldn't she do it? Her dh can do the parenting bit that most military wives do, whilst working. Men aren't as incapable domestically as they like to make out, and the kids will be fed and loved, so where is the problem?

If we have sexual equality, then this is part of it.

TBH OP you admit you don't know all the facts about their arrangements, ergo get your nose out!

i'd rather be in the navy than sat at home spouting that i am the dogs bollocks becusae i care FT for my kids - get over yourself love your halo has monumentally slipped

I wish my mother had had a job when I was young because she was WASTED doing housework, she could have had a great career but she was pressured into being a housewife by the attitudes in the 60's and she ended up frustrated and bored.

When she did go back to work when we were teenagers she was a low paid shop assistant and she should have been SO MUCH MORE and interfering judgemental women like you contributed to her being unhappy most of her life.

Dad goes to work and is good provider...mum goes to work and abandons her kids...NO. Mum goes to work and kids get HAPPY MOTHER, lucky them.

I'd rather have had a happy mum at work than the depressed, frustrated one I saw every day.

Well my DH had a 9-5 desk job in the military and commuted daily. If this would be the case YABU. However, if she has random and regular four month postings overseas, well, I just don't know how anyone can stand to be away from their children for that long, male or female, so YANBU.

8 years as a SAHM has probably left her begging for mercy, but I think she will find the solution she has chosen harder than anticipated if absences are that long.

Good on her, and her DH for working something out that has let him have a career, and now let her too.

I travel for work - sometimes for weeks at a time, and have done before DS, and starting again when he was still a small baby. DH (who is a WOHD) coped fine with being left with a baby who only drank breastmilk and was normally totally fed directly outside 9-5, M-F, and has continued to enjoy his daddy and ds time since then. DS is very happy too, and accepts perfectly that mummy goes on a plane and will email him before she comes back. So shoot me.

Whats wrong with being selfish? Mothers aren't supposed to think of themselves, are they, they should subjugate their personalities, dreams and plans to their families, always putting everyone else first and themselves last?

Sod that for a lark. 21st century, OP, try joining it.

My cousin is in the Navy. While he does go away for months at a time, he is also sent home for long periods - his kids love him to pieces and know perfectly well who he is. His stepson is now joining the Navy too because he's seen how much his stepdad loves it.

If his wife was in the Navy instead of him, the kids would love her in the exact same way too. It makes no difference who's at home and who's serving.

It's women like you that stay on the side of traditional men who think women shouldn't work, except in poorly paid part -time jobs and have no aspirations.

You friend HAS and IS a good mother from what you say as she has made many sacrifices for her children, giving up nearly a decade to watch them grow in a secure environment.

They are not babies any more and it is perfectly reasonable for her DH to look after them full time, as long he has have proven himself competent ans wants to do it.

She is providing a good role model to her children by wanting to go back to the Navy. They will extremely proud of her when they are adults, knowing she has served her country.

YABU- and your old fashioned notions about "her responsibilities as a wife?" really anger me. What IS that exactly? Making sure you meet allow you husband his conjugal rights whenever he wants, washing his socks, cleaning, cooking and slaving all day with a G and T ready when he walks in the door?

You never hear about a man's "responsibility to his wife" do you?

She has not left him or had an affair - they are working TOGETHER for the good of their family and it is NONE of you business.

Your friend gave up her career to look after her children, NOT her husband. She has done her time and now they are older ,she is perfectly right focus on herself again. Get with the times woman or go back to serving your husband like a good surrendered wife.

You appear trapped in the 1970's dear!

my dh is in the military

at the moment he is away for 6 months, and is missing his dcs (and me!) desperately, but the dcs are fine because they have me

when dh comes home it will be fabulous

we have often said that if I was the one with the most earning potential I would be the one who worked and dh would be the 'main' parent, but as it happens he is the breadwinner due to his qualifications and career

when dh retires in a few years he will come out to a cracking pension that will mean we never will really have to worry about money

I assume your friend's dh will have the same set up, and she will be most definitely taking into consideration that when she retires she will also get a decent pension, thus helping to make her family financially secure for the rest of their lives

although it will be very hard for her to leave her family behind (that is undeniable) she has the chance to return to a career she loves - she will not be away for 8 years solid, and as a military family they are already used to that way of life

her dcs will have a fantastic relationship with their dad as he will be their full-time parent, their mum will presumably be happy with her job and WILL still be their mum!

try offering your support - being in the forces is hardly 'swanning off', FFS. What an offensive and misguided assumption.

Islandwatch, you missed out "having his slippers ready"

I think the OP has very little understanding about what makes or breaks secure emotional attachments between parents and children.

Her children have had what sounds like a fantastic, secure and loving 8 years. Therefore they will have a clear sense of loving and being loved by their mother, even when she is not there. Of course, they will all miss each other, but I very much doubt that this could possibly translate into emotional harm or will damage their development because they will not only have their secure attachment to her to support them, they will have the love and attention of their father.

If you are genuinely concerned for the children, I suggest you educate yourself a bit, read up on child development and psychology and stop seeing problems where none exist.

OP - I feel sorry for your children, being brought up with you as a role model. Basically, you see the father as somehow a 'lesser' parent. Your children (particularly daughters if you have any) are the ones who stand a greater chance of growing up lacking the confidence that they can have an enjoyable and successful career, and quite possibly having a more distant relationship with their dad, as you so clearly believe that the father/child relationship is insignificant, while the mother has to be velcroed to her children.

Good luck with that

I would just like to say though, while being pretty disgusted with the idea that a mother matters in a child's life and a father doesn't really matter all that much, doesn't matter if he's not around, he's only the father..., that there is also nothing wrong with being a sahp. It's not a wasted life in any way. It's a choice that is equally valid.

Hecate, but the key word is 'choice' as I think a few others have pointed out. If you feel resentful and that you have wasted opportunities, either in the home or outside, your children aren't likely to benefit.

I agree, spending time raising children is a wonderful and fulfilling role in your life... as long as that is how it makes you feel. I am wasting time at work when I could now go home because this hour footling around in peace and quiet is going to make me a much nicer mummy when I do make it home this evening.

jenai - my dh works away a lot and would love to swap and be a sahd. we are trying to make plans atm so that this can happen at least for a period before dd goes to school. so we are activley looking to swap places in a few years. better tell the op so she can call ss right now!!

YAB so U, also, it is none of your business.

Oh come on. This is a joke?

Either a joke or someone very bored and envious of people with more interesting lives.

oh agree absolutely Hecate - perfectly valid choice.

Hecate - couldn't agree more, but choices are what this is all about. Its her choice to go back to work, her DHs choice to leave the forces. Equally, if she chose to stay t home full time, that wouldn't get any criticism from me either.

Me - I love choice

Oh I know, it's just reading things like a wasted life, and being a martyr, made me feel like a bit of a balance was needed.

Hecate - fair enough, I think we were just looking at in the context of choices rather than "conscience" decisions

I'm back.

Just catching up on the posts.

Yabu