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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

637 replies

Intefering · 25/06/2010 13:22

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:43

I haven't the time nor the will to read the last 100 posts or so, but has the OP said WHY she thinks Mothers make better parents. I understand that might be her opinion and she is free to have it, but I don't understand what has brought her to this conclusion.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/06/2010 20:43

I truly despair for woman's empowerment when there are so many women on here criticising a mother for wanting to do a job which no-one would criticise a father for.

We really are our own worst enemies.

There are two ladies at work who have left their families to work in the UK, both with teenaged children left at home in the care of their fathers. Of course the families travel over here and they go home often, but they are still living in another country. I don't think I could do it myself, but I would never dream of criticising them for it. Good for them for being strong enough to put their own needs and their own careers first.

I think it's utter crap that once you're a mother you should put your children's needs first all the time. All that does is produce selfish children who think the world owes them something. The two parents together should decide what is best for the family, considering the needs - present and future - of each family member and the family unit.

Kids first my ass!

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:44

well - it wasn't much of a choice really - I knew that if I wanted to continue my music I'd have to go for one of those scholarships in the music magazines my parents bought for me.

I had a choice, give up my music (which is still a huge part of my life, and the only constant I've had really) and stay with my parents, or suggest applying for one of those scholarships.

I was 11 at the time. Turns out they had the same thoughts but weren't sure how to broach it with me.

I do remember it was a difficult choice at 11yrs old - go to boarding school 400 miles from my parents, where there is no-one else I know, but carrying on my music. Or stay at home and give it all up (my impending move up to senior school meant that it would have been impossible to do after that).

The first 2 or 3 years were hard,but god I'm glad I continued it. It's the one thing that's kept me sane over the years..........and the only thing my parents are proud of in my life .

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:45

"Actually, shiny, and interfering, women like you, who believe that the mother is intrinsically more 'important' than the father, are putting your needs before your children's. Your need to feel superior. This is all about you and your desperate need to possessive about your children that even their other parent can't quite come up to scratch. How terribly sad for your children. Remember, they may grow up to resent you deeply for believing you are more important than their dad."

I'm sorry, where did I say that the mother is more important?

How clever you are,though, to infer so much about me and my family from a few sentences! I need to feel superior...riiiight. I have a desperate need to feel possessive about my children so my DH can't come up to scratch.Right again! Gosh, you are terribly clever, violet, to know all these things about me based on a few comments?

What a very original theory, too. So...by saying that I would choose a career that is based at home, so I can be close to my kids, and for them to be close to me and see me every day, is me putting my needs first? Um...obviously? TBH I don't even think YOU understand what you're on about with that one, dear!

I'm keen to know where I said mothers were more important, though.

AND SCOTTISHMUMMY, I'LL SHOUT IF I WANT!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:45

*I do, I'm sorry. The lady joining the Navy who will be away from her kids, who need her, is not putting her children first - she's putting her career first. IMO, and that is only my opinion, I think that is wrong. It is not the best thing for her children. I think when you have kids, you always, always put their needs first.

I also don't understand why on earth you would want a job that takes you away from your children.I go away from mine a couple of times a year for work and I hate it, I miss them so much. Flame me for that all you want! Of course there comes a time to let go - when they leave home - I accept that.

If on the other hand it's an office based Navy job where she'll be at home then I don't have a problem with that. *

Then WTF is it OK for the Father to do this but not he mother.

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:46

"The two parents together should decide what is best for the family, considering the needs - present and future - of each family member and the family unit."

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:47

"I think it's utter crap that once you're a mother you should put your children's needs first all the time. All that does is produce selfish children who think the world owes them something.Kids first my ass!"

Fortunately not everyone thinks that way, Annie. Nobody's saying that you should have a life of shit for your kids sake, or be a martyr, but to do something that most likely will make them unhappy and will not be the best thing for them, just because YOU want it, is selfish and wrong.

ifancyashandy · 25/06/2010 20:47

So Shiney do you feel that way about business men (and I use the male term on purpose) who fly round the world on a weekly basis for business? Are they putting their needs first too? Or is it OK because they are earning shed loads of cash?

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:48

"Then WTF is it OK for the Father to do this but not he mother."

Oh god.Sigh.

Where did I say that it was ok for the father to do this???

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:48

I repeat, does this apply only to Mothers??>????? ANd if so why?????

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:49

So Shiny I deduce that you believe that no one with kids should be in the services. Thank God you are not in charge of National Security.

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:50

AnnieL - 'I think it's utter crap that once you're a mother you should put your children's needs first all the time. '

I agree with you, but I think it's a more complex issue, because what you have here is an OP who really believes she is putting her children's needs first, when actually, she is putting her needs first in a truly negative way.

I don't believe that any child with two loving parents intrinsically favours one parent over the other. Children love both parents, and any decent parent is equally capable of caring for their children as the other parent. This belief by the OP that somehow she, as the mother, is better, is selfish and possessive and is all about her. If she was truly putting her children's needs first, she would allow them to be parented on equal terms by their dad.

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:51

"So Shiney do you feel that way about business men (and I use the male term on purpose) who fly round the world on a weekly basis for business? Are they putting their needs first too? Or is it OK because they are earning shed loads of cash?"

I'm not sure - I think there is a difference between a job that takes you away for prolonged periods, and one that necessitates the odd business trip.

I think that if their kids are ok with it, then it's ok.If a kid is ok with their mum being in the Navy and away for months on end, that's ok too. I suspect the kid wouldn't be though.

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:52

Oh, I'm bored of all you baying harpies now,good night!

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:54

actually I agree with Anna.

I spent the best part of 9yrs putting my children's needs first all of the time.

I realised a little while ago that actually it was doing me no good whatsoever and was affecting my relationship with my children.

Now, I'm making a effort to think about me more often, and make sure I a happy.

My relationship with my children has improved, I'm happier, they're happier

I've realised sometimes you have to look further ahead than the intimidate consequences of what you do - as invariably many children will kick up a stink at anything that they do't like. You have to try and look past that initial "gut" reaction they have and how you think it will impact on your (and your childrens) lives in the future as well.

Given that the Op's friend has already worked in the Navy, and her DH currently works in the Navy I think she's probably got a pretty good idea of what will be involved, and having spent 8yrs at home looking after her children I should hope that she has a pretty good idea how such a change would affect them.

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:54

So shiny, it seems that in your mind there is a specific amount of time it's acceptable for a parent to be away on business, and a specific distance that a parent should travel to work from home. And you then generalise this into a blanket rule which should apply to all families.

Utter crap. Why not let each family decide what is 'ok' for them? Or is that way too radical an idea to get your head round?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/06/2010 20:54

oooh handbags

AnnieLobeseder · 25/06/2010 20:55

So Shiny, you think this women should martyr herself and give up the only career she really wants in order to not be away from her children here and there? Why should she sacrifice herself and her needs so utterly? If she truly wouldn't be happy doing anything else, how tragic to throw her future away.

Children are with us for around 20 years, hopefully she'll have another 30-40 years left when they leave home. What will she do with herself then?

ifancyashandy · 25/06/2010 20:56

I've got a friend who flies to the other side of the world (Middle East) every week. He is away for 4 or 5 days at a time. Every week.

Never known such a devoted dad and husband.

You are, my love, talking absolute gumph.

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:57

My parents were at home all the bloody time (mum SAHM until I was in my teens) dad workeed 9-5 - didn't make my childhood any happier.........

foureleven · 25/06/2010 20:58

oh.... I got this far 'It IS different for Dads though, they can go away for months at a time, Mums are needed more, it's nature. ' and blew a great big raspberry at OP...

byeeee you nutter!

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:59

My mum was a SAHM for years, and after that had a succession of poorly paid low grade jobs because she'd been out of the workplace so long. She was a clever woman and I think she would have been far more fulfilled going out to work.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:59

So Shiny, you think small children should decide what their parents do with their lives. Hmmmm

We'd all lay our lives down for our kids, if push came to shove, but does not mean we need to do it every single minute of every single day.

BaresarkBunny · 25/06/2010 21:00

Do people think that when someone joins the military thats them away until they leave?

I've been lucky the last deployment my dh was on was in 2007 and he does go away on courses quite a lot but he does get time off and most of the time is home every night. Also if he was doing a different trade he'd get even more time off.

You've got to love the good and live with the bad. My dh would not earn the money on civvi street that he does in the army, plus he enjoys being in the army. I can't see the harm in that, naturally he doesn't like going awy and misses both of us but he has a job to do and he does that job well.

I have a very happy son who adores his father and vice versa. My father is in the army and we have a fantastic relationship even if he did go away when I was young.

Sidge · 25/06/2010 21:01

The thing is most people in the military join up before they have a family.

DH and I were both in when we married and I got pregnant. I left as I can work anywhere. He stayed in as he wanted to be able to provide for his family in a secure, reasonably well paid job with security and a good pension.

He is doing a job he loves, which has enabled him to achieve some good qualifications, and enjoy the stability and security that working for the Armed Forces brings - redundancy for him is highly unlikely and we'll never be homeless.

The downside is he has to go to sea - we knew that when we started and had to weigh up the pros and cons for us as a family. The upside is that for every sea draft he has it is followed by a shore draft, so we have him home doing a shore based job (usually more regular hours and little travelling) for 2.5 years.

In his area of engineering even if he left the Navy he would have to go away to sea - that's the nature of his job.

Unfortunately not everyone can have 9-5 jobs.