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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

637 replies

Intefering · 25/06/2010 13:22

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

OP posts:
maresedotes · 25/06/2010 20:01

Emmeline Pankhurst will be spinning in her grave.

Portofino · 25/06/2010 20:10

I was offered a job that involves travel. Turned it down as damn dh got in there first and already travels too much. If he was home I would not have hesitated. He is perfectly able to cope. I wouldn't have married anyone who was So useless they couldn't adequately care for their own children.

Yabu.

thelennox · 25/06/2010 20:10

Myself and DH both work. At the moment I'm off on mat leave with no 3. Breastfeeding so I am the one that is needed, but I know he would love to swap with me, anytime. And in fact, I think he is much better at the older school age than I am - mums can't believe their babies are grown ups. so that has always been the deal with us. Once last baby is school age I get to concentrate on my career and take it wherever I choose. Cause I am doing that for him just now. Its called a partnership. Give and take. Compromise. Heard of these things OP? Children need to be loved, and dads do that just as well as mums.

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:12

Ok I reckon I've sussed the OP.

OP's hubby is in the Navy.

OP's friend not only has better career prospects than OP, she's also prettier and way more fun.

OP is dead worried her hubby will be giving her friend a good seeing to while she's busy sweeping floors and doing the ironing

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:13

yanbu, I agree with you OP.

Sidge · 25/06/2010 20:14

Hey good link toccata - look at that! All those Naval personnel that aren't in Afghanistan!

There is more to the military than land forces in Afghanistan.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/06/2010 20:14

why shinysparkles?

is it because you think the mother should be available?

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:15

LOL Violet

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:19

it's quite fascinating actually Sidge scrolling back and seeing where the ships have been

RedBlueRed · 25/06/2010 20:23

Lol @ Violethill. 'Cos theres fuck all else to do?

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:25

I do, I'm sorry. The lady joining the Navy who will be away from her kids, who need her, is not putting her children first - she's putting her career first. IMO, and that is only my opinion, I think that is wrong. It is not the best thing for her children. I think when you have kids, you always, always put their needs first.

I also don't understand why on earth you would want a job that takes you away from your children.I go away from mine a couple of times a year for work and I hate it, I miss them so much. Flame me for that all you want! Of course there comes a time to let go - when they leave home - I accept that.

If on the other hand it's an office based Navy job where she'll be at home then I don't have a problem with that.

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:27

shiny - their FATHER has been in the Navy - does that mean that he's not putting their needs first?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 25/06/2010 20:27

So you are saying that her husband, the children's father, is not suitable and the prime carer must be the mother

Okay

What is your view on widowed fathers then

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:28

a time to let go when they leave home

what when you've been out of the work place for possible 20+ yrs, so on the scrap heap and the best that you'll be lucky to get is a dead end job?

Portofino · 25/06/2010 20:29

shiny, so then it is not acceptable for FATHERS to do this either then?

Maybee · 25/06/2010 20:29

YABU and its really none of your business.

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:33

Shiny - why do you not believe that a father is an equal parent?

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:34

I've nothing against working toccata, I work myself. I just don't understand why you would choose a job that takes you away from your family and children - what job can be more important than that?

And no I don't understand why a father would want a job that takes him away from his family either. Before you pile on asking me if that means parents shouldn't be in the armed forces, I'm only saying I don't understand WHY you would want to have a career that takes you away from your family.

If you ask any child, what would they prefer, mum and dad at home, or away for weeks/months on end, what do you think they would say?

And no, don't tell me, they would say they want a happy mummy or daddy. I would seriously wonder what other issues are at play if not being able to have a career that takes you away from your family would make you unhappy.

I understand too that sometimes one parent needs to take a job like this, but there is a difference between needs to and wants to, it's the latter I don't get.

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:36

"If you ask any child, what would they prefer, mum and dad at home, or away for weeks/months on end, what do you think they would say?"

well............I went to boarding school at 12 of my own free will..........and rarely went home for the next 5yrs

curryfreak · 25/06/2010 20:36

How absolotley spot on shinysparkles.

shinysparkles · 25/06/2010 20:37

OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL.

YOU CHOSE TO GO AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS.

What about the children whose mum or dad CHOOSES to have a career that takes them away from them?? They didn't have a say in the matter.

violethill · 25/06/2010 20:38

Actually, shiny, and interfering, women like you, who believe that the mother is intrinsically more 'important' than the father, are putting your needs before your children's. Your need to feel superior. This is all about you and your desperate need to possessive about your children that even their other parent can't quite come up to scratch. How terribly sad for your children. Remember, they may grow up to resent you deeply for believing you are more important than their dad.

scottishmummy · 25/06/2010 20:39

do stop shouting.big capitals doesnt make your sentiment correct

and you know what adults make decisions, and accommodate life and children around the decions

toccatanfudge · 25/06/2010 20:39

well it's a good job that there are some people who want to work in jobs that mean time away from their family otherwise we'd be quite stuffed.....

None of my friends who had dad's in the military just took it in their stride when he went away, and then got increidbly excited as the time came for them to come home..........then I wouldn't see half my friends until their dad's had gone back on deployment.

And lets not forget - that having both parents around every night doesn't automatically mean a happy child either................

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 25/06/2010 20:42

Agreed, it could very well mean a suffocated one!!