I'm not against working Mums but this is going too far.

[Intefering]

Name changed regular.

A friend of mine has 3 young children with a partner in the military. He is due to leave in 3 or 4 years time I think.

Said friend has told me that she will be re-joining the Navy when her youngest starts reception in 2 years time, several reasons why, money issues, she's worried that after 8 years being a SAHM she will be unemployable, she loves the Navy and nothing else career wise interests her.

AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC, how her DH will cope picking up the slack at home on his own. Yes she may have loved the Navy but that's behind her and she should concentrate on her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm trying to advise her as her friend but I can't see past her incredible selfishness, how can she have all these kids just to abandon them? She's worried that in 18 years time when all the kids have left home she'll be in a miserable job having watched life pass her by, I really want to tell her that she should of thought of that before getting pregnant.

AIBU and if I am can someone tell me how this will work because I really can't see it.

NestaFiesta Fri 25-Jun-10 14:46:41
"However, if she has random and regular four month postings overseas, well, I just don't know how anyone can stand to be away from their children for that long, male or female, so YANBU."

This is how fishing and seafaring communities have always lived. A lot of trad couldn't happen if people were not prepared to leave their families for months on end, and there'd be no tuna in the shops either. And for the record, they have always been very dangerous professions. Does that mean trawlermen should not have families?

I seriously think interfering is a troll

I sincerely believe that Interfering is a troll, hence I shall not comment any further

oh, and as an aside, in DH's 7.5yr army career, he was only deployed 4 times.

4mnths Kosovo
6mnths Afghanistan
4mnths Kosovo
and what should have been a 6mnth tour of Iraq, however I had a 2 week old baby and my mum died suddenly, so DH was sent home, and did not go back on tour.

My friend who is in the army, who has children has never been deployed at the same time as her husband..... and a lot less than her husband too. The forces arent complete wankers you know.... they do support parents in the military rather well!

oh and dont forget service families get discounts for boarding schools. Maybe she is planning to send her children to boarding school?!

Should my DH have stayed in the Army, we said we would put our children into boarding school once they hit High School age as the upheaval of moving around plays havoc with education at senior level.

The children will probably go to boarding school as many children of service families do. Even when the wife doesn't work, children are often sent to boarding school as service personal are constantly moved around the country.

She might as well join the navy rather than sit at home lonely.

JARM - I had a (Britsh) friend and his wife in Zim - A Lieutenant Colonel no less, and his wife who had their children at boarding school in the UK for that reason. I met the children on a few occasions, and they were the most lovely lads.

They (the couple) came to our wedding

actually I must try and get back into contact with them again, we lost touch after they moved back to the UK, but I tracked them down a few years ago, and the promptly had my life go tits up so lost contact. She was a FABULOUS professionally trained soprano and I used to accompany her in concerts around Zim >>

Surely a happy mother as is working in a job she likes with prospects and who also contributes to financial stability of well being of family is a positive thing.

Cory you are so right re adjustment to being away as was norm for lots of my family ego are in the navy - sometimes dad was home sometimes not and sometimes you move. It's certainly not made any of kids any more unhappy or unsettled than those who didn't have this (in fact thinking of my cousins who had a depressed unhappy and unwilling sahm with the ones with parent in navy I know which had happier parents.)

And the massive assumption that women should stay with kids (cos fathers of course don't give a shit) has been dealt with already.

It's not something I could ever personally do for myself, I couldn't bear to be away from my children for the lengths that can be expected, so it makes it hard for me to see why anyone would, but as long as her children are well looked after it doesn't really matter who is the primary care giver,

I can see why you find the idea so odd, as I think it is odd to but at the end of the day her family her choice.

Are the Navy involved in Afghanistan? Surely it is landlocked?

yy Caoimhe

here

'AIBU to suggest that this is a ridiculous idea?! I doubt she's considered all the time away from her DC'

God yes you'd better tell her it's ridiculous and quickly too! She obviously hasn't thought it through at all poor love. And a for the idea that her husband will pick up the slack - well it's madness. God knows men are in no way capable of looking after children.

Tell her now - it's a good thing she's got a friend like you who's prepared to put these silly ideas out of her head!

Link doesn't work BALD - just trying to educate myself.

BTW OP you are a loon.

oh that's odd

anyway if you google navy in afghanistan there is lots to read

I only realised this in MArch or April this year

Sorry was doing bed time.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm completely out of touch with the modern world.

I doubt she'd be planning on boarding school for the kids, she wants them to have a normalish family life and they'd be staying in the school that her DS is already in and her other will be joining.

I'm sure this is trollery

But the frightening thing is that in the UK in 2010 there are still people who think that a mother's place is in the home ...

up to her.if she wants to return to career she loves she weighs up pro/cons with her dh. you are not impartial at all.emotive and judgey terms like "her incredible selfishness" sure are give away

butt out sister

What utter bollocks Not much I can add apart from relating this to my own life.

I guess the OP would judge me for daring to be laid low with cancer for months. Going from full time SAHM who spent every second with them to very rarely seeing them when I was getting treatments, in hospital, asleep or not able to see them as they had colds etc.
My poor kids having to suddenly have their dad around more than they were used to and a brand new full time nanny.

Kids are adaptable fgs!

Thanks BoysAreLikeDogs (sorry for calling you BALD BTW)!!!!

My ds wants to join the navy so I'm really interested in anything about it! Sadly I don't have a dd or I'd be encouraging her to consider it as a career too!

Yes OP the modern world seems to have left you behind (in the Dark Ages).

"I'm not against working Mums..." Well isn't that big of you?
That is such a skin crawlingly stupid thing to write.

It is really none of your business 'how this will work' either. It is down to your friend and her husband to work out between them how it will work best for them and for their children.

I pity your friend for thinking she can confide in you and expect an objective and supportive response. You might not have told her about your prejudices but I'd bet your judgey pants VPL was on show for all to see.

judgey pants VPL.LOL v funny

exactly sockadoodle - and obviously your sudden "absence" from their lives wasn't even planned. The OP's friend is planning this with over 2yrs to go before she may be away!

What a stunning display of lack of knowledge as to what a service career involves.

Playing with guns, swanning off,

I suggest before you slate your 'friend' (and you don't sound very friendly) then swot up on exactly what her lifestyle would involve.

There are dozens of trades/professions in the Navy - some involve long deployments, some don't. Some involve weapons handling, some don't.

Just for comparison - I did 7 years service and never left Portsmouth (well I went around the Isle of Wight but that doesn't really count).

My good friend has done 18 years this year and will have her first 'hot' deployment next year when she will have to leave her children with their dad for 3 months.