To think the behaviour of these mothers is shocking and they bloody well deserve a slap?

[SassySusan]

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My uncle was Irish and I did find it nice that everyone comes up to the family and says "I'm sorry for your loss" My uncle killed himself and during the sermon the priest commented that if people had looked in on him more then he might be still with us I think that was an awful thing to say seeing as my mum was already taking every opportunity to travel between there and England to visit.

I am generally quite crap with bereavement. My friend's mum died suddenly not long after we left university. Everyone comforted the family after the service and I queued up to give my condolences. When I got to my friend I burst into tears, she had to comfort me as I made a total eejit of myself. I was just so sad for her though.

i don't like 'sorry for your loss'

to me it's just a phrase people say by way of etiquette. they don't know what to say so they say that stock phrase. it doesn't bother me though, i know they are trying to be polite and considerate.

i had a rather odd conversation with dd (age 4yrs) when her great grandma died and people were sending me with sympathy cards, as i was next of kin. she couldn't understand why people were saying sorry, seeings as it wasn't their fault. so i said it's a way of people saying they feel sad for us, and it's tradition. i said we should always say thank you when they say sorry to us for our loss, even if it doesn't make sense.

i said on the other thread that it's down to people being different. but that offended the OP, and some other posters, which i suppose goes to prove my point.

yes, i think 'i'm sorry for your loss' is a bit too pat, and a way of trying to glide over the 'problem' and change the subject. but that's for me, so i wouldn't say it. i could be speaking, for all i know, to someone who likes it. that's why this is such a minefield.

pixie i am sorry to treat you like you didnt know anything ealier ... wasnt my intention..just saw the question and answered it instinctively

I dont think there is a definitive list of right /wrong thing to say to a bereaved person. .. I thnk you just have to go with what your heart tells you at the time

Aitch.. in regards your comments re do you have to lose a child to understand .. no I dont think you do. Grief is a strange animal whether you lose a child a parent or a husband or anyone else. you can expect to suffer a whole range of emotions

The main difference with losing a child is that you have a life long longing for that child.. every time you look at your family you see someone missing. That continuing gap is not something everyone can relate to.

like I say ..when you are talking to someone newly bereaved .. go with your heart.. it wont steer you wrong

i don't know what being irish has to do with anything.

that gap must be hell, frasersmummy, so awful for you. peace be with you.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By twopeople Wed 23-Jun-10 09:58:13
'I think if I met you I would say the wrong thing (unintentionally) & you would think I deserve a slap & I would understand that. I would be hurting with you all the same, and only wanting you to find peace. I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who do understand & who are able to give you what you need.'

Very well put Twopeople.

And btw, way back at the beginning of this thread I started my post with 'sorry for your loss'. I see nothing wrong with this. It's something I would say to someone I don't really know who has suffered a bereavement, and I want them to know I am not ignoring them or the fact that they have been bereaved. I would never say this to a friend or family member. In the case of someone I knew well I would say something much more personal.

Surely there are different things to say in different circs?

precisely. and to different people. 'sorry for your loss' sounds appropriate to you, irish and comforting to others and to me it sounds like it should be coming out of the mouth of dennis franz. but that is no criticism of you and your motives, quite sincerly. as has been discussed, 'have a good weekend' is enough to merit a slapping from some, and from others it's nice to be reminded that normal life is still going on out there.

sassy is entitled to get pissed off at whoever she wants to get pissed off at (including me) but it doesn't make the person wishing her a nice weekend insensitive and crass. it just makes them not the person who could offer her anything in that moment. which is not to excuse the bear hunt woman, because that is improbably bizarre and attention-seeking behaviour on her part.

Unreasonable doesn't really come into it when you're in unimaginable pain, does it? The bear hunt woman really does deserve a bloody good slap, but the others...well sometimes it's just that other people are being, getting on with things and are in a totally different world from yours that's the gut-wrenching thing.

Since my OH died I have avoided some of my friends because my anger and envy and bitterness is just too overwhelming. They don't deserve it, would be horrified to know it, but sometimes I want to smack them just for being so bloody happy - and these are friends, so I don't think you are unusual in feeling that way towards the other mothers at nursery.

It's awful, awful, Sassysusan. I am so sorry. I have thought of you often since your post in bereavement.

sorry about bereavement but some people are avoidant and dont genuinely know what to say.and as much as they may know your anguish they cannot find the words to acknowledge

i know exactly where you are coming from BUT...

doesnt make them bad
makes em human and flawed
like all of us

Susan,

What a completely terrible thing to happen. It is truly awful, and I really feel for you.

People can be odd about loss. My Mum died when I was 36 weeks pg and at her funeral I had SO many people saying things like "you must be so excited about the baby!", conveniently forgetting that I might be a little bit unwilling to make polite small talk about the impending birth, given we were at my mother's funeral!

Will be thinking of you. Take care.

First of all sorry for your loss.
Second you are not being unreasonable, you are grieving.
You do not really want to slap these woman, I think you just want some recognition for your loss and your feelings.

I do not for one moment think these poeple intend to hurt you with their comments, however everything takes on more meaning right now and I would guess they do not know what to say, and do not want to intrude on your pain so just say the everyday things they would to anyone else.

great! I'm shouted down by someone for daring to suggest that OP may not be in the right frame of mind to read other peoples valid points of view and then lo and behold some posters are wondering if the OP is genuine or not.What sayeth you Aitch?

me?

well i suppose i thought that telling someone what's best for them is rarely well-received, especially if they're very vulnerable, but i presumed you were coming from mathanxiety's p.o.v. rather than a desire to shut sassy down iykwim? i wouldn't personally have posted what you did, though.

re the troll thing, i always take the long view on those and wouldn't tend to express doubts over anyone as the potential for harm is too great if one is wrong.

Aitch: No, I don't think people who make a well-intentioned (but upsetting-to-the-recipient) comment are twats at all. Some people are self-aggrandizing PITAs when you are in trouble, as mentioned earlier up in the thread - setting up their own little Facebook page or writing crappy songs - that one really does sound like someone exercising their ego at the bereaved's expense.
And if you don't know the bereaved person very well and have never suffered a bereavement yourself, 'sorry for your loss/I'm sorry to hear that' is not at all unreasonable, WTF else can you say to a stranger?

i agree totally. although again weirdly, my cousin's son died recently and his uni pals set up an FB page almost immediately and i know she was enormously comforted to see people she didn't even know talk about him and evidently didn't feel that her permission needed to be sought. gad, it is a minefield. i hope this thread doesn't actually put people off saying or doing something, because all it seems to be turning up is contradiction after contradiction.

i simply cannot stand an elephant in the room under any circumstances. I always think its better out than avoided.

DD's (17) best friends brother died a couple of years ago. it was the anniversary yesterday. So i told dd that she could inviter round ours for a bit - i thought that she might need to get out of the house. I picked the girl up from the station. she knew i knew about her brother (cos she was coming for tea) i knew she knew i knew... so i asked about him, how old he was, how he died, how she was doing, how her mum was etc.

That's the strategy i will continue to use.

i'm so very sorry for your loss sassy.

(ps. troll hunters just fuck the fuck off will you)

Yes: thinking about it, some years ago when a friend of mine died, several of his friends organised a kind of impromptu wake/memorial party for him without his immediate family's involvement, though this was a case where the deceased had a social circle his relatives didn't know and in fact didn't approve of very much. Yet his friends from within this circle felt the need for some sort of acknowledgment and sharing of grief (AFAIK the relatives were not, in fact, hurt or offended by the event taking place, they just didn't want to be involved and didn't, in fact, want people from that social circle at the official funeral). Death is something of a minefield for everyone.

So sorry Susan, yanbu to feel like this. x

SassySusan, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. So very sorry.

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Sassy - I am so dreadfully sorry about the death of your daughter. I can not imagine how that must feel.

You are right though there are a lot of insensitive people around - I mean we all see that most days but luckily its over fairly minor stuff.

I hope you've got some kind and supportive friends around you.