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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the behaviour of these mothers is shocking and they bloody well deserve a slap?

402 replies

SassySusan · 21/06/2010 21:12

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Spacehopper5 · 22/06/2010 22:33

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mathanxiety · 22/06/2010 22:37

Feeling angry enough to slap people after your child has died is not something that can be considered Reasonable or Unreasonable, imo. You feel isolated and alone, and as if your world has ground to a screeching halt, while all around you life goes on and people bumble along, irritating you and angering you often, and sometimes managing to get it right too.

Sometimes irrational things can help you -- the worst year of my life, after going through the death of 2 family members, and returning to where I lived with no-one there who knew either of those whom I had lost, no-one to reminisce with about them, I remember counting down the last days of December and telling myself I'd feel better once the new year arrived and that horrible year was over. If someone else had told me I'd feel better once the new year came along, I'd have been spitting nails.

There's no wrong and no right way to feel, and no timetable. Losing someone, and how you respond to it, is a completely individual thing, and often the loneliest experience you could ever go through, even with sympathetic friends and family. Only you can get up each morning and be you all day, carrying that load around in your heart. There's nothing fair or even close to perfect in this life, and grief ultimately must be borne by each person on their own.

However, there is help available if the anger persists, and if it's accompanied by other problems with daily functioning or relationships. One of the tragedies of grief is that it can lead to depression.

Habbibu · 22/06/2010 22:40

Oh, yyy to getting rid of horrible damn year, math...

Aitch · 22/06/2010 22:41

not the same i know but i was very glad that my second ectopic of the year happened on hogmanay, so that it didn't infect the following year.

grumblinalong · 22/06/2010 22:42

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with other people's feelings like this Sassy. You should be dealing only with your own grief and getting to the end of each day, not other people's insensitivity. People by nature are horrendous at dealing with trauma that is peripheral to their lives, I've discovered that denial and flight are the human default settings unfortunately.

chipmonkey · 22/06/2010 22:42

Sassy, I am so sorry you lost your little girl.

sykes · 22/06/2010 23:01

I lost two babies and all it makes me feel is still a such a huge sense of loss and sadness and complete grief. I hope the post is genuine. Because it would be so dreadful to do that if not.

SassySusan · 22/06/2010 23:03

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shabbapinkfrog · 22/06/2010 23:10

Wondering if the OP is genuine??? I give up!

whoingodsnameami · 22/06/2010 23:12

sykes, I think if you really believe there is a chance the op is not genuine, then it's a thought you should have kept to yourself, that comment can cut deep

sykes · 22/06/2010 23:15

Do you try to confuse people with your rather slightly unusual terms of language? Are you trying to leave us feeling very confused, or are you capable of speaking without any silly words? Yours.

shabbapinkfrog · 22/06/2010 23:18

What????

sykes · 22/06/2010 23:18

If I've hurt anyone so sorry. Really. Nevef meant to do it. so sorry,

Aitch · 22/06/2010 23:22

sassy, you're reading what you want to read, not what's there.

as it happens, i'm pretty excellent when it comes to supporting people who are grieving, or so i've been told by people who matter greatly to me (and actually, people who i hardly know.) it's not hard for me personally to speak about death, i've been touched by it all my life. so you're not getting to me, no matter how hard you're trying. i take no offence.

i sincerely hope that some day you will find some peace amongst all the terrible hurt that you are going through.

whoingodsnameami · 22/06/2010 23:23

Hey, you're grieving too, I was'nt being rude, just wanted to point out how it could be hurtful.

chegirlmonkeybutt · 22/06/2010 23:26

I really dont know what to say.

literally, I just cant think of anything.

PixieOnaLeaf · 22/06/2010 23:29

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Aitch · 22/06/2010 23:41

but you must remember, pixie, that sassy does not speak for all bereaved people. plenty of people here have said that they actively dislike what others say they desperately need.

mathanxiety · 22/06/2010 23:43

Sassy -- some straight talk here. I think you are in a very dark place, and I am worried about you.

You have kept up a high degree of intense anger and sarcasm over the course of the thread.

Please find someone in RL (a counsellor) to talk with about this anger.

It is not good for you to carry this much intense anger around even after a bereavement. This is not about whether you are being reasonable or not. It's not about whether you're offending anyone by being so angry. You're not. It's a question of needing some help with the anger, and dealing with the real feeling, grief.

PixieOnaLeaf · 22/06/2010 23:45

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PixieOnaLeaf · 22/06/2010 23:48

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BoysAreLikeDogs · 22/06/2010 23:51

Pixie there is no best thing to say I'm afraid

bibbitybobbityhat · 22/06/2010 23:52

Pixie - I believe the thrust of the argument on this thread is that your feelings/ worries/sensibilities (as the non-bereaved) do not count at all. Do not worry about upsetting the bereaved parent - you cannot really upset them in the circumstances. You must say something, even if it is the wrong thing and it makes someone want to slap you, because to not say anything is worse.

Aitch · 22/06/2010 23:52

did you see the compassionate friends link, pix? it was very instructive i thought.

whoingodsnameami · 22/06/2010 23:53

I doubt that there is a "best thing to say" It depends on the person, and there frame of mind at the time, which I imagine changes constantly for quite some time.

A friend of mine I used to work with lost his daughter to cervical cancer at a shockingly young age, when he came back to work, I just said, I cant say anything you have'nt already heard so how about a hug? At that time it appears I did the right thing, as he appreciated it and hugged me tight for a long time, but who knows, if I had said it an hour later, it could have been a bad thing to do as his emotions were understandably all over the place.