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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:43

I haven't forbidden anything - I just wanted to be informed I couldn't give a shit who she spoke to at school or what other mums at school thought.

I would have however feel like a tit about the fact that I didn't actually know who dropped him off, had the teacher wanted to speak to me about anything.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:43

and whatever you say about him not knowing how you feel, he will pick up on it. he probably knows your body language better than your partner.

clam · 21/06/2010 20:44

And it won't have crossed your ex's mind to "be polite" and ask you, for the same reasons we're all citing. IT'S NOT NECESSARY. IT'S HIS SON TOO!!!!!

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 20:45

So you harbour this resentment to this woman and probably her child!? what sort of example does that set your son?
Would you rather he's stayed with you and been miserable because if you're always this controlling then god help him?
And what is the issue with him or her knowing where your son goes to school? what if there is an emergency?
Don't you see that your son is going to pick up on your resentment and will confuse him how he should feel towards his stepmother and half brother/sister?
You should be pleased that he has a step mother who cares and is interested in your son.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:45

booyhoo and no - he didn't/doesn't.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:45

why would you feel like a tit? it would either have been his dad or his step mum leaving him off. it isn't as if you would have had no clue at all who it was if the teacher had needed to speak to you.

and i still dont see how you think you need to be informed?

undercovamutha · 21/06/2010 20:47

'I would have however feel like a tit about the fact that I didn't actually know who dropped him off, had the teacher wanted to speak to me about anything.'

On occasion, my parents have looked after my DD prior to school, and one of them has dropped her off. I have had no idea which of them decided to take her, and which stayed at home. This lack of information has not led me to feel like a 'tit' in front of the teacher. Crap excuse for BU IMO!

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:47

LA- it wont always be like that, kids pick up on things, especially as they get older.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:47

There is no resentment - I have no issue with him knowing where school is? WTF?

I didn't want to be with him, he spent a year after I kicked him out trying to move back in.

Its controlling to want to know who is dropping him at school?

I haven't seen the woman in 7 years.

OP posts:
clam · 21/06/2010 20:48

Why would you have felt like a t** if the teacher had wanted a word? I'm a teacher, and I fully understand that kids arrive at school in all sorts of different arrangements, some for every day of the week. If I couldn't see a mum I wanted a to speak to on the playground in the morning, I'd phone her later, or wait until after school.
I'm afraid this is only an issue in your head.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 20:48

When you son is with you, its up to you what happens to him...the same goes when he is with his dad. You do nopt need to be consulted, its got nothing to do with you if he gets the milk man to babysit - its up to him as his father you do not get to stipulate what goes on there.

Why do you feel the need to be so controlling over this. She isnt a stranger to your son, in all likelyhood as they are married and have been together his whole life he probably thinks a lot of her, she is his Step mum after all. Thats a big role, and he sees her as much as he sees his dad doesnt he? Does your ex stipulate what he feels best with relation to your new bloke? i doubt it, and if he did you'd rightly tell him to f off i expect. It works both ways.

You need to work through this anger before your son picks up on it, and he will, its not fair on him, at the moment its fine to just have civil barely there contact with his dad, but think about big birthday parties, his 18th his 21st, how about his engagement and his wedding? Your hostility will ruin these events for him, i speak from experience. My family never argue either, but the tension is just as bad so i haven't been able to do big events. Its very Feel sorry for your son

paisleyleaf · 21/06/2010 20:48

20 miles isn't that far away.

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 20:49

Yes it is, get over it. It will happen again so you'd better get used to it and the more fuss you make about it the more unreasonable you're being.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:50

booyhoo - Really I am aware of the issues some young people face thankyou. I work with young people.

I wouldn't have expected her to drop him off, thats all as she has never been involved in anything to do with his life here.

I accept IABU to be pissed off about it but I don't think it would've killed him to mention it as it wasn't "the norm".

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:51

I repeat - there is no hostility.

OP posts:
worldgonemad72 · 21/06/2010 20:52

I think your definately over reacting on this one though tbh. Your ex probably didn't even think it was an issue and didn't want to bother you while you were having a weekend away.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:52

I haven't made a fuss?

OP posts:
blowninonabreeze · 21/06/2010 20:52

Nothing is "the norm" your ex never drops him off!

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 20:52

Sorry but you're deliberately being stupid. Sorry I don't mean to insult you but he doesn't need to mention it even if it is out of the norm. Why the hell should he!

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:53

I do not harbour resentment to her child?

Hes a child!!! I send birthday and xmas presents to him.

OP posts:
clam · 21/06/2010 20:53

OK, it wasn't the norm. SO WHAT?
Why on earth would he think to mention it?

Unless he knows quite how controlling and unreasonable you can be. Which, I'm guessing, is quite likely.

Mutt · 21/06/2010 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:53

well if you are so aware then why are trying to create one for your son?

it wasn't the norm because he usually doesn't stay on a sunday. right?

LadyBiscuit · 21/06/2010 20:54

I don't really know why you posted tbh. You're not interested in what other people think unless they agree with you.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/06/2010 20:54

You really cant see the hostility in your posts?