to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

[Ladyanonymous]

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

Once in four years? Come on!! If they lived closer then yes maybe they both could be more hands on - but its a 40 mile round trip to theirs - that tells me that isn't what they wanted.

There was no need anyway as I had it covered.

I more than accept he is with her - I sent her flowers on her wedding day FFS!

If I died yes she would be very hands on - but I am alive and well at the moment and his dad only ever has him every other weekend so I don't really see how that is involving himself in his sons life particually - he has a mum and that is me - she isn't there a lot of the time when my son is so thatdoesn't tell me she actually wants to be more hands on with my son anyway.

yes exactly - once in four years you have loet them do this - as it was at your convenience

Why dont you suggest more contact then? Or has this been refused in the past if you have asked?

He is too busy - I have asked him to help me many many times when my son has been ill and when I have had to work and had no one to help out with "child care" - and he is not available. I asked him to be more involved and he said I had to understand he had another family now.

I have juggled work and 3 kids at 3 different schools for 4 years - he has helped this one time - and I had other plans in case anyway as god forbid I went on a weekend away as I have been on medication for 6 months which has made me ill and I needed a break.

He is available to have him for his own family occasions - holidays and parents eve twice a year and for school plays.

In which case I would get something in writing that he has to have his child more, make his weekends longer, so that he has to take dc to school and get up and do the dialy grind. Unless the child doesn't want to go then why not oush for more time?

i still find it the most bizare thing ever though to be upset that someone else has taken my dc to school - my head just doesn't get around that one

yes his first something - if it was his first day at school, or his first tooth fairy visit

but nmot something as mundane as this.

It is last minute when I am also supposed to be at work.

He has him Friday to Sunday twice a month.

I have made my point about why I felt pissed off earlier in the thread.

• and I have asked him a month in advance on several occasions to pick him up from footy after school as I have had important meetings - he has said no - yet he only spends one wekk a year of his 28 days leave with him.

Please don't ever let me be a step parent.

You're a bitch if you won't take care of a child as if it's your own, you're a bitch if you will. you're a bitch if you're anything really

TBH I don't really see how he could have him more.

I feel I rush around so much in the week with all the schools and the clubs etc (another reason why it would be tricky for his dad in the week) that I also want to have my own weekends with the kids and for him to spend time with the two siblings he has here.

He also has to turn down invites to parties etc sometimes on the weekends he goes to his dads as he won't drive him back to do it, obviously I have offered to provide a gift.

His dad wants a say in things like which school he goes to but has no intention of being a part of the school run on a regular basis.

I think he is quite happy the way things are he has made it clear his "new family" are his main priority which is sad - as my DS was there before any of them were - and when she met him and made a massive play for him in front of me while I was pregnant - she knew he had other commitments too.

I have never taken him to the CSA when I knew he was not paying me what they would award me to keep the peace.

I would have thought that if your DC has a step mother you would want the woman to love him, be involved, responsible and bothered. It doesn't take anything away from the natural mother. It seems a bit weird to say she can do it if you are dead! Far too late to change things by then. Either she is a caring, kind person or she isn't-you can't turn it on and off like a tap! How can your DC have too much love?

Piscesmoon you obv haven't read my earlier post about me saying I do hope that he loves her.

Sorry -there were just too many posts to read and too short a time-I will keep quiet as I have done the thing that annoys me-burst in late when I haven't read it all-apologies.

LA i dont think people are attacking you in the way you feel they are. Just trying to understand how you are feeling and help you work out your thoughts.

You do seem very angry for 5 years down the line. Could you maybe imagine that the step mum was writing a post about how she loves her husbands little boy but isnt allowed to even take him to school because his mum doesnt approve? Assuming you have told them that you dont approve.

Are you sure she doesnt wash any of his clothes or make his dinner or put hold his hair back if he's sick etc etc?

Does your new parner have children? What is your relationship like with them if so?

OP you are really contradicting yourself here. You say she has "no input" in his life whatsoever and doesn't even wash his clothes when he stays there.

As a SM myself, perhaps she feels like she doesn't dare to for fear of it being misinterpreted by you as stepping on her territory. From your comments here I can actually imagine you starting a thread about how she dared to wash your DS clothes or such like.

My DH exW was similar to you in the sense that I felt scared to bond with my SC, scared to get too close as I felt I just wasn't allowed to do the really close things or build a meaningful relationship over the years. I think she saw me as a non-person in a way; like part of the scenery or furniture.

We (stepmums) are "there" at these access weekends, we wipe tears, cuddle, do bedtimes, homework, reading. The Dads can't physically do everything with their children, they make be taking a call, shopping for food and we simply have to muck in and help but not be too in their faces. It is so important that we do it and feel comfortable doing so and that the children involved are not afraid to "love' us if they want to.

DH exW used to say things like "Of course I am fine with grapeandlemon, I sent her a very expensive birthday gift!" much like you say but it really means v little unless we feel we can bond with the children without reproach.

I have never once complained to them about her input over the last 7 years, apart from as I have said when he was a tiny baby and I had PND.

I asked him to stop sending my DS back with a bag full of dirty clothes every weekend.

He refused and now takes him in his uniform, changes him when he gets to their house and returns him in his uniform on a sunday. I have asked him not to do this. Sometimes he returns him in clothes from their house and waits at the door when he returns him to take the clothes back.

She could have done all the bonding she wanted over the last 7 years. - I have never stood in her way, or moaned to him about anything to do with her since I had PND and got over it with counselling.

I don't moan ever really because I got fed up of wasting my breath I just get on with it - and moan on internet forums sometimes

I have provided pressies for parties with my other DC's because I have found it will then be more likely that they will be taken.

My son rarely mentions her because she is rarely there. I have helped him make cards for her etc, so he knows there is no issue.

I am very fond of my OH's children and I enjoy having them and there is a mutual respect between their mother and I.

"I don't moan ever really because I got fed up of wasting my breath" -which tells me that you have been moanin indeed

'He refused and now takes him in his uniform, changes him when he gets to their house and returns him in his uniform on a sunday. I have asked him not to do this. Sometimes he returns him in clothes from their house and waits at the door when he returns him to take the clothes back.'

That does sound smean but LA, just another point of view.

I used to pack a bag for DD when she stayed at her dads and it would always come back unwashed which pissed me right off until I decided it was because he is really busy doing things all weekend he didnt get chance to wash all the (often different colurs and fabrics) clothes ready for the monday. Also his girlfriend did washing on a friday so he was returning the clothes unwashed rather than keeping them in his washing basket until 2 weeks later when DD was back with him.

With regards to my DSD, we would buy her heaps of clothes that would go back to her mums at the end of the weekend and never come back to us so we have started sending her back in what ever she arrived in. Admittedly that isnt school uniform (shes 11 and wouldnt be seen dead in school uniform on a sunday(!)

Could you not pack him off to school with a basic outfit that you dont mind if it comes back dirty so he could be returned in this after the weekend?

For the 400th time.

There is no hostility - we are not best buds but we put on a united front for our son - his step-mum is an irritating cow who thinks she has a diamond studded fanjo but I don't see her - so she doesn't irritate me. She does her best for my son and that is all I can hope for from her.

He doesn't pick up on any vibes because there aren't any - his father is to all intents and purposes largely absent from his day to day live - that is by his own choice. He phones whenever he wants to and I am civil and plesant before I hand the phone over. Of course at times his dad pisses me off - that is just natural - even for parents who are together, I have never ever said anything bad to my son about his dad, or his step-mum, and I communicate with his Grandma and she has unlimited access to him.

I stopped giving a shit about his dads stupidity a long long time ago such as not allowing DS to bring home gifts from any of his father's family even when he has asked to and the clothing thing - and I just let him get on with it - unless my DS says he is upset about anything (which he does). Then I will mention it as I am his advocate in the respect until he is 18.

We are a happy - if not unconventional - family and there are no seething resentments.

If I seem hostile in some of my posts I think it is defending that fact.

All our arrangements we sorted outside of the courtroom incidently and we have never involved solicitors.

LA, I have to say as much as Im trying to understand I find it odd that you jump on to defend yourself about more negative posts and blatently ignore anyone who ofers support or constructive advice..

It seems you are very upset that your ex moved 20 miles away from your house.. thats not really that far is it- half an hour drive? Why does he live in that location, is it for the good of him, his wife, their children AND your son? If he really didnt care then he could have moved a lot further away. It isnt far for you to dictate where he and his wive live IMO.

We dont really encourage DSD to take gifts that my or my partners family give her back to her mums house. Its because we want her to feel at home here too.

It seems to me that every thing your ex does with regards to all of this winds you up. Do you think you have got better over the years or has your anger over these things got better, or worse?

I just want to say I wish you the best and I hope you do make your peace with this for everyone's sake - mainly your own!