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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be consulted as to who is taking my son to school

310 replies

Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 19:33

Went away for the weekend. DS stayed with his dad an extra night as I didn't get back till today. There were two other alternatives to his dad having him, but he said it was fine and he would take him to school on Monday morning - DS dad lives 20 odd miles away so I had my reservations as to whether he would get him there on time.

I am part of a school run I normally drop DS at my friends and she takes him to school and I take the older children on to the other school. No reason why his dad couldn't have dropped him there this morning as I had my school run covered.

Picked DS up this afternoon, turns out his dads wife took him to school this morning. I feel a bit as I don't have anything to do with her, don't know her, the school have no idea who she is and I think I should have at least been consulted and know who is actually taking him to school - esp when there was no need for it to have anything to do with her.

AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?!

OP posts:
unfitmother · 21/06/2010 20:27

YABVU this is his father's wife i.e. his stepmother you're talking about, not some random stranger!

Mutt · 21/06/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:28

"AIBU to at least have expected his dad to check it was ok?! "

you say you didn't want to give permission but that question says different.

if he has to check it is ok then that is asking for permission.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:29

and you were told. ds told you. do you want ex to ring and tell you everytime he makes a decision?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:29

I'm not complaining, I am stating a fact, no I do not want him to be more involved.

I have three kids at three different schools and he moved 20 miles away so cannot be involved more as it isn't practical.

I have asked occasionally for him to help me when I have had to work late or am struggling and he has refused.

He leaves that school in a few weeks so I doubt she will need to go there again.

I just felt pissed off, thats all as we don't have that type of relationship and she has always stayed in the background and let he and I deal with any practical issues.

OP posts:
reddaisy · 21/06/2010 20:30

OP. You do NOT own your son. He is your ex partner's son as much as he is yours.

Perhaps you could involve him more in your son's life/parents evenings etc etc.

It sounds like you have become very defensive of your life with your son because of everything you went through when your ex cheated on you.

But it is time to move on now. Surely, all these strangers on an internet forum telling you that you are behaving unreasonably when none of us has any agenda should tell you something?

You need to move on. Invite them in for a cup of tea and a chat sometime, it is hard but gosh it is a relief when the bitterness fades away.

EveWasFramed10 · 21/06/2010 20:30

YABU. You keep saying you want nothing to do with them, that you don't want them knowing anything about you, etc., but the truth is that they are part of your DSs life...I sure as hell would want to get to know and have some kind of civil relationship with the folks that he's spending weekends with.

Sorry...you can say all you want that you've moved on, but nothing you've said so far proves that.

Tootlesmummy · 21/06/2010 20:30

Lady yes YABU - completely.

This person is your sons father not some random stranger or friend. You're obviously still pissed off that he went off with someone else, maybe rightly so. But don't preach that you have a right to this and that and make decisions for your ex and son. When he's with him it's up to him what he does.

Grow up.

clam · 21/06/2010 20:32

Ladyanonymous, I'm sorry, but I don't think you have moved on. Your bitterness and resentment seep out of every sentence you've posted, (and it's understandable in a way, given the circumstances that their relationship began).
How many of us have said YABU? We're not biased against you. Or him. We're looking at the facts as you have related them, and it seems perfectly acceptable that your DS's stepmother should have taken him to school.
Would you have preferred it if she'd refused to have anything to do with him?

worldgonemad72 · 21/06/2010 20:32

I agree with everyone else, yabu, he offered to have hime for an extra night to do you a favour and you freak out as his stepmum took him school. Your ds is probably just as close to her as he is to his dad if they've been together since he was born. He got to school safely and on time with someone he trusted, i dont see the problem.

FabIsGettingFit · 21/06/2010 20:33

YABU an if you carry on as you are you might end up being the part time parent.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:33

i think you are just feeling as though she is stepping on your toes by doing a 'parents' job. she is part of your ds's life and it stands to reason that she will become more and more involved with what is going on because she cares about him. that is a natural progresion. it might have come too soon for your liking but it was going to happen whether you liked it or not.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:34

I was just shocked thats all - and felt it would at least have been polite to let me know.

I have moved on - I don't like the man and really don't see why I need to have any more to do with him than I do. My son sees him, my son sees us being civil.

I don't know what more I am supposed to do.

He has been to parents evening and we have been to see our son in plays/concerts etc together.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:36

but why does he need to let you know? you dont let him know if someone else has him do you?

premium · 21/06/2010 20:36

How did he get to parents evening if he didnt know where the school is?

Morloth · 21/06/2010 20:37

If you had said his casual shag for the weekend you would not be unreasonable.

But like it or not she is his stepmother so YABU.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:37

fabgettingfit Slightly OTT.

I did feel she was stepping on my toes and seeing as they are not involved as they don't live locally there was just no need.

I have always got on with it myself and like having them in a different town.

I could have made other arrangments but he wanted to have him.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 21/06/2010 20:37

My xp left me for a 19 year old when ds was 2.5. 11 years on they are married with a dc and she's pregnant again. At the time I was devastated but over the years she's had to accept my ds spending every single weekend with them, and consequently she has built a very good relationship with him. She's not trying to be me. The reality is she knows my ds well enough to make him happy in her company. That is all that matters.
Your ds will not understand your attitude.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:38

I drove him to parents evening, in my car, so he didn't know where it was.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:39

but it did no harm, did it? your son likes her? trusts her? is happy in her company? (i know this mught be hard to accept) your son probably enjoyed the novelty of being taken to school by someone else.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 21/06/2010 20:39

My DS doesn't know how I feel, I am always pleasant about his dad and his dads wife and they have a child together.

OP posts:
clam · 21/06/2010 20:40

and she just dropped him at school FGS! She was hardly going to be standing at the gate, networking with your mates, gossiping about you, and getting invited to cofee mornings with the in-crowd. She'll have dropped him and run, I daresay. What's the big deal? I don't expect any other mothers even noticed.

And the fact that your ex might not have been able to specifically take DS to school himself (but nevertheless ensured he got there on time, as you told him to) shouldn't preclude him from asking to have him for the extra night (when you were unavailable). They probably enjoyed the extra unexpected novelty of Sunday night at Dad's.

Get over it. Really. For your own sake, but also for your DS's. It is in his best interests to have a good relationship with his step-mother without you forbidding certain, perfectly reasonable things going on.

undercovamutha · 21/06/2010 20:41

TBH I would assume that an Ex's WIFE would take some responsibility for their step-child. Surely it is strange to think otherwise.

What exactly is your problem? You must realise that your ex's wife sometimes has to look after your DS. E.g. if your Ex has to pop to the shop. She is not a random stranger - she is your DS's stepmother, and has presumably known him (albeit only twice a month) for 4 years. He must trust her and know her well.

YABU and controlling I'm afraid.

booyhoo · 21/06/2010 20:41

please try an deal with this. your son will start to feel as though he is betraying you by enjoying her company. that is not good, surely you can see that?

undercovamutha · 21/06/2010 20:42

And BTW, when I started reading the OP, I thought you were going to say that your Ex had got some random unknown friend to take your DS to school. But his wife - get real!